Bio - REJECTED

This is a bio I wrote, that was WAY too long for a one act I'm in.  My therapist (who I also made up) felt I should share it with people I come in contact with regularly.  That way they can prepare themselves for the worst:

Kevin is thrilled to be performing with City Theater again (It’s really me!  I am pretending I have an assistant who wrote this bio, making me seem more important than I actually am).  He’d like to thank his assistant for dedicating so much of her time & hard work (Well that’s rather selfish of her! ---- just kidding, still me.  And apparently my made up assistant is female.  Hope this doesn’t cause tension with my imaginary girlfriend, ha, ha!).  He couldn’t have done this without her…and only her! (All right, calm down!  I do have a real wife ya know).  In fact, if he’s not good in this play, it’s pretty much everyone’s fault EXCEPT his assistant (OK, now I’m scared.  I DON’T HAVE AN ASSISTANT).  Yes he does (NO HE DOESN’T…I mean NO I DON’T).  Then who gets you coffee? (What?  I don’t drink coffee).  You always tell people that, but I see you drink coffee more than just “when I am at weddings or some parties.” (OK, I have been drinking a bit more coffee lately.  But I still don’t “drink” coffee.  Like it doesn’t define me).  Well who gets you that coffee when you DO drink it? (I DO!)  And who created me?  (…me?) Therefore, I GET YOU COFFEE.  (First, that doesn’t make any sense.  Second, people reading this are going to think I am weird, and that I talk to myself).  You do talk to yourself (Don’t tell them that!)  Well what do you want me to say? (Thanks for coming I guess?  I don’t need you creeping them out.  Christ, this is only a one act.  If they’ve read this the whole time they have missed my entire fucking performance).  Do you know all of you lines? (What?  Why?  Most of them…).  Well then I’ve distracted them haven’t I?  (Was that your plan?)  You mean “your” plan?  (Right…right…my plan.  That was my plan all along.  So, now what should I do?)  Thank some people.  (Yes!)  Kevin would like to thank Jim, Jim and Jess for a lot of coffeeless fun! (Nice call back on the coffee bit) Thanks.  And he would also like to thank his loving wife for putting up with him (Perfect).  And his hot assistant (whatever).