Monday, December 28, 2015

Foggy Christmas

It was 70 degrees on Christmas, and foggy. Keeping everyone from seeing the Full Moon which was to be an extraordinaire event to end 2015. But like much of 2015...and the years before it, "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry."

So here we are, "...at the end of all things."


2015, I lost my Samwise Gamgee two and a half hours before I turned 40. I'd have loved to have been his Samwise, but I was more of a whiney Frodo (like Frodo himself). Plus, Sam is the real hero in the story.

This is the time of year, thanks to the revolutionary "Racism Machine" known as Facebook, we get to find out who among us (all of us) are "ready for 2015 to be over!" Not me.

I'll miss 2015. Like missing a cat, who pisses on your clothes, when he's no longer there.
Sure your clothes don't smell, but at the same time - your clothes don't smell.

And in the end, 2016 is going to be no different than 2015 and all the years before it.
Good times. Bad times. Great times even.

Cats will piss on things. Cars will have unexpected expenses. And my kid will do something that makes me laugh my ass off.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #6

Is that why they call it a "fireplace poker?"



Wednesday, December 9, 2015

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #3

More Music Choice slides for the Sounds of the Seasons channel. I think I knew this one already...

Friday, December 4, 2015

Music Choice: Sounds of the Season #2

Here's another Music Choice slide for the Sounds of the Seasons channel. Kind of inappropriate if you ask me. 

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Batman's Shitty Rogues Gallery

I hate that EVERYDAY I turn on the TV or log on to my computer, I am faced with a shitty version of a Batman Villain.

"I'll put ALL of the Lions on Ice!"

"...and don't even THINK about asking me to bring flowers to your gay wedding!"

"Why so Serious...about A.I.D.S. medication?"

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

No One Will Remember The Rain

"If the rain comes, they run and hide their heads..."
-RAIN by The Beatles


"The show must go on, the show must go on."
-THE SHOW MUST GO ON by Queen


If you had to pick between one of these two sets of lyrics, which would you be? 

Because I just spent a weekend with a whole lot of people who are DEFINITELY the latter.

*****

I'm not a poet. Nor am I very lyrical. 
I sometimes slave over words to make a joke work perfectly, but that's likely the limit of my art.

I respect poets and actors, musicians and artists like crazy! I'm jealous of their abilities. 
So here's an ode to a couple of those artists:

*****


It was the wedding of an actor and a singer...or better put, a pair of incredible people. 

We all checked our weather apps and looked at the clouds to see if they were in sync or if maybe, just maybe our cell phones were wrong. Quickly refreshing the radar showed a storm moving closer and closer. Surely this wouldn't happen on the day of an outdoor wedding.


The show must go on.

The bride was off with her ladies in waiting getting the finishing touches put on their make up and hair.

The groom was showered and dressed, hoping that someone among his court knew how to tie a bow-tie.



The show must go on.

Outside, helping set up cocktail tables and lights, a drop of water fell upon my cheek.

Sweat from my hair, no doubt. It was after all uncommonly humid for a double digit day in September.



The show must go on.

Coolers are lowered on a pulley system to make sure the bar is amply stocked for the evening's festivities.



The show must go on.

The bride returns with her party, all looking more beautiful than when they left (if that's possible). They adjourn to the house to put on their attire.



The show must go on.

Someone is summoned to help the groom complete his ensemble. THIS crisis, averted.



The show must go on.

I ask the groom, "What time pictures are to take place?"
He informs me, "4:30 pm."
I counter by informing him, "It is now 4:35 pm."




The show must go on.

I text the photographer to let him know the wedding party will be late. I'm sure that's nothing new to him. 

He informs me it is about to start raining. 



The show must go on.

The bride calls for her groom. She wants him to see her before anyone else does. 
This is not traditional.
This is not a traditional bride.
This is not a traditional groom.
This is not a traditional couple.

Time stops. For a moment. As it should.

The groom exits his home with his bride. They aren't married yet. It doesn't matter. The way he looks at her. She is his world. There is no rain.


Time continues to stand still until they leave to take photos.

Once they are gone, "the help," who will later transform into attendees...or better put, the couple's friends, kick into high gear.

Whether (weather) we like it or not, the rain is coming. 
Some quick decisions are made and then plans implemented.



The show must go on.  

A room is transformed to allow guests and food alike to stay dry.

The show must go on.

Guests start arriving for the cocktail hour. As does the rain. Umbrellas are acquired and handed out to those in need.

The show must go on.

Plans are made. Scrapped. Reformed based on "the possible" becoming "the reality."

The show must go on.

The couple returns with their wedding party. They bring with them heavier rains. 

The dark clouds above are enough to ruin a dull Saturday, let alone an outdoor wedding nuptials...

The show must go on.



...but, no one is saddened. 

The joyousness that is felt from all in attendance brings a sunshine that could burn to your very soul.

Men dressed in their best suits. Ladies in their fanciest dresses. 
Coiffed hair and make up. High heels and opened toed shoes.

The heavy fall of the early autumn weather can do nothing to dampen the spirit of this day.



A bride and a groom
An actor and a singer
A woman and a man

Two people joined into one union, while some of their closest friends look on with love in their hearts and tears in their eyes. 



Like the powerful performance in a musical or the exhilaration of a rock concert, these performers shined brighter than any day we've seen this summer.

This was a show for the ages that people will talk about for years. And no one will remember the rain.



Friday, August 21, 2015

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

According to Socrates, "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Monster.com asks a mere 18 questions before suggesting what it thinks you should do as a career. Not exactly well "examined."

Therefore, according to Socrates & Monster.com's combined findings, if your job sucks, you should kill yourself. (Spurious Reasoning by Kevin Regan)

At what age did you know what you wanted to do for a career?

When I was about 10 years old, I knew I wanted two things: to be Alyssa Milano's boyfriend & play for the Philadelphia Phillies. The closest I got to either of these was a poster of Alyssa Milano from Teen Steam that hung on my wall and dropping a foul ball lined off the bat of David Bell in the second half of a doubleheader against the Detroit Tigers on June 17, 2004. Harry Kalas said something to the effect of, "Oh, that's too bad..." on the broadcast. I know this because immediately after dropping the ball my wife called me to say, "I saw you drop the ball." Something Alyssa Milano NEVER would have done!

Forbes.com interviewed a wide range of kids from 5 to 12 years old, to determine what their "dream job" would be. I'd assume there'd be a tie across the board for Superhero & Ice Cream Truck Driver.

But some of their answers were even worse than that:

Astronaut.


A word I'll never be able to spell correctly on the first try. According to NASA, depending on their skill level, they can make between $65K and $100K a year. BUT they get to fire laser beams at shit whenever they want, so the benefits are a huge bonus!

Here's a list of Astronauts who have died horribly while doing their job. So maybe that laser beam thing isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be.


Athlete.


See! I wasn't alone in wanting to play for the Phillies. But unless you're Lebron James, or A-Rod or Tiger Woods, the mean average salary for athletes is just under $72K per year. Which sounds okay until you factor in the likelihood of concussions and severe jock itch. 


Dancer.


I assume this doesn't include dancing at sporting events..but just in case, I included the video!

Jazz hands and spirit fingers aside, a dancer's mean salary is under $14 per hour! So if you work a 40 hour work week 52 weeks a year, you're looking at about $29K. You might need a part time job to help make ends meet. Perhaps as an associate at In-N-Out Burger who make, on average, $11.17 per hour. 

You can read a great piece that Emma John wrote for the Guardian about the horrors that happen to dancer's (primarily ballerinas) feet. I spared you pictures for this one.


Doctor.


This one baffles me. Most kids cry at the Doctor's Office. So why in the hell would they want to BE a Doctor? It's possible they're sadistic little buggers, in which case we better keep an eye on them. Or, it's possible, they like the prospect of making north of 100K. Even more if they're a specialist. I'm going to go with Sadistic though.


Firefighter.


Now we're talking! I admit, I saw Adam West's Batman slide down the Batpole and I wanted IN! But since there's only 1 Batman (West, Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, Bale, Affleck - the list has since grown), I figured a Firefighter was the next best thing.

But you have to actually FIGHT FUCKING FIRES! Dude, even Batman only fought a burn victim!

The mean salary for a firefighter is $44K and some change. Many are even volunteers! So remember that the next time you see one in Denny's at 2 in the morning, and buy them a cup of coffee.\


Lawyer.


Why?

If you're a kid and you want someone to hate you, just sit near them in a restaurant...or a movie theater...or an airplane...

Average salary $118K


Movie Star.


This is more like it. Nothing like exchanging your privacy & sanity for weird stories & an uncontrollable "blow" addiction. OH! You probably meant an actor (you didn't). 

Most actors I know have various "other" jobs to keep themselves afloat. Forbes lists the average salary at just under $50K, though that varies GREATLY!

The actual Child Movie Star life has been WELL documented. If you're having problems finding them, Google: Corey Feldman.


Police Officer.


Like the Firefighters...minus the pole.

Giving a gun to a kid seems like the American Way I suppose...

Mean salary: around $50K


Rock Star.


Stop complaining your piano lessons, Ariel!

Then see what I said about "Movie Star" and change "Rock Star" to "Musician"...AND develop an uncontrollable "blow" addition.

According to Forbes (who has clearly NEVER met a musician), the average salary "can be" upwards of $56K.


Writer.


Don't waste your time. They are just arrogant assholes who spend their time ripping apart other people's dreams when they're not busy getting phone calls from their wives telling them they dropped the ball on national television. 

Salary? Click here for answer.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Happy Left Handed Day!!!

Today is Left Handed Day.

Which is a bitch if you suffer from Sinistrophobia (the fear of things at the left side or left handed people). This is NOT the same as Sinestrophobia, which is the fear of the Green Latern's arch nemesis, Sinestro. Who, as chance would have it, is left handed (at least in this photo).

Many drawings of Sinestro, depicted him as being right handed. Perhaps he was Ambidextrous. 

So who are some other popular "southpaws" you ask?

Let's start with a handful of Presidents:

Gerald Ford packed his pipe with his left hand. No word on whether his two LEFT feet were the reason he fell multiple times on the steps to Air Force One.

Ronald Reagan, like Sinestro, was Ambidextrous (and possible an enemy to The Green Lantern). Many photos reveal The Gipper writing & throwing a football with his right hand, however according to the NRA, he's a lefty (NOT a leftist!)

George HW Bush was known for his 1000 Points of Light speech. He'd use THIS fist to knock ALL 1000 of YOUR lights OUT!

Bill Clinton was left handed. We know this from his well documented fingering...OF A SAXOPHONE! (Jeez!)

Current President, Barack Obama is alright with me...even though he's a lefty. Here he is signing The Affordable Care Act into law, much to the chagrin of The Right.

Studies show that around 90% of people throughout the world are right handed. 

While about 30% of the population experience something called cross-dominance of mixed-handedness. This is the change of hand preference between tasks, like throwing a ball with your right hand, but hitting a ball with your left (this is more likely what Ronald Reagan was).

And finally there's Ambidexterity, which results in being able to do any task equally well with either hand. This is what all of your asshole friends claim to be, but most of them aren't.

There was a time when left handedness was seen as weak, even evil! The actual word "left" comes from the Anglo-Saxon word "Lyft," meaning "weak."

Yet some of the strongest rockers throughout history had to string their guitars upside down.




Yet the fear of being left handed was so strong in Rock and Roll, that Rick Allen removed the temptation completely.


From wikipedia: 
In many religions, including Christianity, the right hand of God is the favored hand. For example, Jesus sits at God's right side. God's left hand, however, is the hand of judgement.

Which means God has a wicked backhand (and a Swiss accent)!

Proof that God & Roger Federer are one in the same.

In my research, I found the age old question about left handedness on Yahoo Answers, the greatest source of entertainment (if not inaccurate information).


The responses varied, but my favorite came from a douche bag named "Euthyphroozelah."


It would seem Euthy believes all "left handed" people are in fact, homosexual. My research found quite the contrary:

In fact, this left handed heterosexual guy has bedded 1000s of women throughout his career. But in truth, much of his work I've seen, he uses both hands to get the job done.

Though left handed people make up merely 10% of the world's population, 30% of baseball players hit from "the other" side of the plate. 

So they have THAT going for them, however lefties have a higher risk of psychosis. So it's probably best to just fear and avoid them. 

But hey, if you are a lefty, enjoy your special day...while having ink all over your hand!

Thursday, August 6, 2015

2016 Presidential Beauty Pageant

Tonight officially kicks off the beginning of the 2016 Presidential race. Tonight also marks the end of an era...

Choose wisely...or just throw a dart and see who you hit.
(Seriously, throw a fucking dart at them!)

Tonight is like Halloween for politico junkies. Everyone puts on "costumes," and by the end of the night, you've ingested so much garbage, you think you're going to throw up.

FoxNews, who surprisingly is hosting the Republican Debate, has chosen the 10 candidates who will compete. 3 of whom are polling in double digits and 4 of whom are polling at 5% or less.

What is the structure of tonight's contest? Well, without doing any research, I'll assume it looks something like this:

1. Composite Score

Composite Scores are calculated from data in multiple variables. Vague, right?

This can pretty much be summed up by the candidate's polling numbers which are pulled from everything from their sporting prowess...

(From left to right: Chris Christie (Gov-NJ) in a snowball fight, Marco Rubio (Sen-FL) stealing someone's ball, and Rand Paul (Sen-KY) both stretching and "showing off the goods.")


...to their top score in Dig Dug.

(Scott Walker (Gov-WI) doing his "Victory" dance after getting the all time high score on Dig Dug - thus gaining support from Big Oil Companies everywhere).

2. Talent

Of course, the Talent portion of the competition is where MOST of the candidates falter, seeing as none of them have any real talent (that's why they are politicians after all). This year, in an effort to make candidates seem reasonably talented, FoxNews has deemed this the "Pointing competition."

All candidates will stand and point, and be judged on style, body position, and "pointiness." Though all excel in pointing, the front runners are as follows:

(From left to right: Scott Walker's "Wink & Shoot"), Chris Christie's "I'll Kick Your Ass," and Ted Cruz's (Sen-TX) "Almost a 'Shocker'.")

The biggest underdogs in this category are Jeb Bush & Marco Rubio:


Sources report that John Kasich (Gov-OH) has been working tirelessly with 2012 Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney to improve his game.


Though, the man to beat in the "Pointing Competition" is clearly Donald Trump.


3. Evening Wear

This might be the most controversial of all the categories in tonight's event, as has been pointed out by FoxNews, "judging men based on what they are wearing is demeaning."

Personally, I think this is ridiculous. I think it clearly makes them look smarter and more engaged. But a "hater's gonna hate, hate, hate..."

EXCLUSIVE! We have been able to acquire many of the outfits in advance of tonight's Evening Wear Competition:





4. On-Stage Question

Candidates will each be asked 1 question. Some past favorites include "What's your favorite ice cream," or "Can I have a hug?"

As always, candidates will NOT be obligated to answer the question they are asked. They are permitted to answer an entirely different question, just rattle off a bunch of unrelated "talking points," or PASS.

This section is expected to last about 3 minutes, including the commercial break.

5. Music Break

Now that we are about 10 minutes into this 2 hour event, we'll have a mini concert for the next hour and 40 minutes. 


Luckily, FoxNews was able to book Mike Huckabee and the Hucka-Burning-Love Band. 

Rumor has it, that Josh Duggar will join "The Hucker" on stage to do a moving rendition of "Can't Help Falling In Love."

Then there will be a video montage of all of the candidate's American Flag pins followed by the event we have ALL been waiting for:

6. The Swimsuit Competition

HELLO NURSE!


And that's pretty much it.
So tune in...

If you have a suggested question, go ahead and submit via Twitter with the hashtag:  or just go ahead and read some of those SWEET questions already tweeted.



And the end of the era I spoke of...


After tonight's debate, one of my idols, Jon Stewart, will end his 16 year reign behind the desk at The Daily Show.

16 years. That's 4 Presidential terms. 2 Presidents (1 of whom was good).

I'll miss you, Jon. 
I am grateful for the 16 years,
I am happy you are leaving on top and on your own terms.
I wish you well.
I long to see what you do next.
Thank You, Sir.

#JonVoyage