Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Abbas Abusio Discovered in Idaho

(APee) March 20, 2011 - Members of the Primary Engineering National Institute Society announced this week, that their researchers have made an enormous scientific break through.  They believe this breakthrough will not only have repercussions through the entire scientific community, but also throughout the political world during this election year.

Charles Redwin, the head of P.E.N.I.S. revealed to fellow researchers at a National Conference in Boise, Idaho on Tuesday, that P.E.N.I.S. staff have successful identified and isolated a gene found in some humans, mostly males, known as the Abbas Abusio gene.  Scientists have long time believed that this gene is the driving force behind:

*“older men’s lust for young children.”

The isolation confirmed this belief, but also yielded another discovery.  Possessors of the Abbas Abusio gene are also for the elimination of female rights, specifically outlawing abortion.  In fact, 12 out of the 23 people in attendance for Redwin’s findings are possessors of this gene including Redwin himself.  The other 11 people are ashamed to call themselves Scientists today.

When asked for a comment, Dr. Lester Moore said, “It makes sense that these people, who are among the shittiest parents in the world, would want to make sure every fetus comes to be a potential victim of theirs.”  Dr. Moore does not have the Abbas Abusio gene.  “I can’t believe this is the world we live in,” Dr. Moore said as he left the room shaking his head.

Redwin himself was unavailable for comment.  His office told APee he had a prior engagement of “ridding the world of pornography,” but he was later spotted at a Chucky Cheese with his hand down his pants.

*As reported in Vol. 69 of the New England Journal of Madeupsin

Every March

March 22, 2011, I wrote the following entry:

March 17, 2012 (yes Paddy’s Day) I started the 2012 yard work.  And ended up with the same results I do every year.

This time, I wore heavy socks, boots, long work pants, a long sleeved shirt and gloves.  Good gloves, which I NEVER took off. 
Tuesday…I started itching on my hands, back and forehead. 
Wednesday (today) I’m fucked!

My hands look awful.  They are covered with what I assume is poison oak or sumac, but could easily be poison ivy.  My knuckles have taken the brunt of it.  This morning, when I was running, I took my wedding ring off.  I never take it off, but it bothers the hell out of me when I run.  I put it back on as soon as I was done.  And ripped the “poison bubble” residing on my knuckle.  I had to put a band-aid on, just so the ooze wouldn’t spread.  I know, right? 

“Grossville Mikey.”

Both of my thumbs have blisters from pulling a rake.  This is mostly because it was a mild winter, which required no snow shoveling.  My hands will callus up about mid May.  But the problem for now is I continue to rip open the blisters when lifting weights.

Yes casual reader I am running and lifting weights.  At 6:00 am might I add.  I still am going to bed late as fuck (4:00 am last Friday night, last 4:45 am Saturday night – I ran on neither of these days).

So obviously, I’m a mess.  But it’s just my hands right?


I have some marks that has shown up on my forehead.  Yay!  The since I sweat while running it should spread to make me look like Eric Stoltz in Mask by the time I play with ComedySportz at 7:30pm this Saturday.  I haven’t seen the movie in a while so I don’t remember if Rocky Dennis gets his affliction from yard work too.  I do remember his mom, played by Cher, gets him a whore.  So that’s cool. 

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Just A Bite To Eat

This is a letter I wrote to Five Guys Burgers & Fries asking that they add a veggie burger to their menu.  I didn’t have the corporate email, so I sent it to a store in VA down the street from the franchise headquarters:

Please put veggie burgers on your menu.  I know you have a veggie sandwich, but eff that noise.  I want a veggie burger with ALL the works like they have at Fatburger.

Come on, one fattie vs five people?  They shouldn't beat you!  Unless that one fattie happens to be King Kong Bundy at Wrestlemania III and the five people are in fact five "little people" such as Little Beaver. 

What's it gonna be Five Little Beavers?

Please take this message to your headquarters and report back to me.


Kevin Regan

I'll let you know what they say...

Monday, March 19, 2012

Getting Into Shape Is Painful!

I have been off EVERYTHING in the past few weeks.  My “cheat” is typically alcohol, but even that I only partook of over the weekend because of Paddy’s Day.

It’s been tough at work, because there have been birthdays a plenty (cakes) and donuts a flowin’ (they weren’t actually flowing).

I bought Dunkin Donuts last Sunday for a film shoot.  It was a short shoot with no lunch, so I figured I could at least provide donuts.  I didn’t eat any of them.  Good Lord did I wanna!

So this morning started a routine, which I hope continues at least until Aruba, my 6AM run.  OK it was more like 6:15 because I hit the snooze button, but still there was NO sunlight to be found.

Of course before I even stepped on the treadmill I managed to tweak my neck.  I have no idea how or what I did.  But rather than “bail” on the running, I said, "Fuck it" and off I went...sweating before 7AM.  Yes it hurt, but I guess that’s the “burn” they speak of…

At least it doesn’t hurt when I pee.  Which is often, because I have been drinking a lot of water.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Blagojevich Blog (Day 1)

Today, former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich heads to “the clink” (Q:  Isn’t that web series?  A:  Yes it is to begin his 14 year prison sentence.

As you may have forgotten, since we have fought about 17 wars since last June, Blagojevich was convicted on 17 counts of corruption, which included his attempt to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat to the highest bidder (I checked eBay & craigslist…wasn’t on either). 

He’ll serve out his time in Colorado where the prison rape isn’t as painful, probably because of the altitude. 

He was quoted as saying, "This, as bad as it is, is part of a long and hard journey that will only get worse before it gets better.”

I’m not going to defend the guy.  But I will say this, there are people serving in government right now that have done FAR worse than Blagojevich.  He is the Martha Stewart of politicians.  One has to fall so many can get off unscathed. 

But 14 years!!!

14 years ago it was 1998

-Shakespeare in Love had yet to make Saving Private Ryan her bitch
-Craig Kilborn still hosted The Daily Show
-I had a full head of hair (true!)
-The Phillies still played in a urinal
-K-Ci & JoJo’s “All My Life” was the #1 song on the Billboard Charts.  You can down load it at iTunes, but at the time you couldn’t even get it from Napster.
-Average gas price per gallon on this day in 1998:  $1.20
-Michael Jordon still played for The Bulls (wins the NBA Finals on last second shot)
-TV is introduced to a fellow by the name of Aaron Sorkin as Sports Night premieres.
-My underwear had not yet hung in the Lourve. Steve Berger you know what I’m talkin’ about!
-A website called GOOGLE was launched
-Mark McGuire (70) & Sammy Sosa (66) break Roger Maris’s homerun record (61)
-The Coen Brothers released a film called The Big Lebowski, and my wife has had to tell me to stop quoting it ever since
-I hadn’t even MET my wife yet

A lot can happen in 14 years.  To that end, I’d like to offer a piece of advice to Mr. Blagojevich, taken from the pages of Avon Barksdale & Stringer Bell:

You only serve two days.  The day you go in and the day you get out

…although I guess all those days in the shower add up too.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Eleven Minutes of Nothing

This is what a blog would look like if I only had eleven minute to write one.  There would be a lot of jumbled thoughts because there’d be no time to think of a theme.

You:  You think of a theme before you write.
Me:  Fuck you.

Also, I’ll likely curse more.  Because this shit is just pouring out of my mouth.  Like vomit.  But not as liquidy (“liquidy” is apprently not a word).

I stared at the wall for a bit…now I have 2 less minutes to write randomly.

You:  You’re typing, not writing.
Me:  Have fun driving home tonight, asshole.

Now I only have 3 minutes left to write because I went outside and cut your breaks.

Today, I bought a bottled water from the vending machine (I left mine at home in the fridge).  And the claw that grabs the water missed and it fell to the bottom where you can’t reach it.  I was mad and went to another machine and bought a water.  $2.00 for water because of the first mishap.  This sucked because I was going to go to the Rite Aid (the best kind of AIDS) but their water is $1.59.  I save almost half a buck by not leaving the building.  But now I’m out a whole buck!  Just when I am about to scream the machine kicks out 4 quarters.  What?  I have no idea how that happen, but I took that shit and ran.

Great!  I just wrote for 3 fucking minutes about water. 

What a waste.

And now I’m thirsty.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Blog Entry For The Ladies

If you’re a woman and you’re reading some magazine or website on how to “snare a guy,” my advice, thaw out your ice box...

Yahoo has an article on its home page right now that alleges it will “help women get men.”  Has a dude broken the code and revealed our secrets?  It is written by Catherine Devine from Allure Magazine.  Catherine is a strange name for a fella isn’t it?  Or is this a presumptuous female attempting to crack the code of the male psyche?  Allow us to hold hands and find out together, shall we…

First, the teaser to the article:
“Wearing too much of this will make him gag…”
The answers ladies, is clothing.

Other “no no’s” include:

-Fragrance Overload.  I disagree, as a matter of fact 90% of men can’t smell anything at all.  That’s why we giggle when someone farts.  We know it won’t offend our noses.

-Caked-on Foundation.  Also not true.  Men love cake!  Especially ice cream cake like Cookie Puss.  OK, maybe it’s more the name, after all Fudgie the Whale doesn’t quite do it for us.

-Overdone Eyelashes.  Wrong again!  We love this look.  Men have NO problem if women are into “faking it.”  Unless it comes to Cookie Puss.  We don’t want no knock off “Custard Mugg.”  Buy the fucking Carvel cake already!

-Dry Skin.  Does this even need to be on the list?  No one likes dry skin.  We don’t like getting punch in the balls either, but I don’t see the need for it being on this list.  Use some freaking cream and moisturize.  Speaking of cream…check out this delicious photo of Cookie Puss:

-A Sloppy Shave.  This list is shitty.  Like who doesn’t know that?  And what exactly are we shaving here?  The Legs?  Under the lip?  Around the Cookie Puss (YES!  I worked it in!)
*Please note this Cookie Puss is "in the box"...its a vagina joke.

-Yellow Tinged Teeth.  This Cookie Puss has yellow teeth.

-Sticky Lip Gloss.  Wet naps maybe needed (not necessarily for her).

-Stiff Hair.  You know what, just get soft serve to avoid this mess.

-Smoky-Eye Overload.  Is that gonna blur your vision?  Because you don’t wanna miss out on a good deal being advertised!

*If you didn’t think the “Fragrance Overload” had a Cookie Puss reference, ask my wife...I’m lactose intolerant.  (insert fart sound here)…