Saturday, May 17, 2014

Rich People Conversations

According to this week's Sports Illustrated, baseball cheater and all-around douchebag Ryan Braun has revealed that when fellow Brewer Carlos Gomez signed a $24 million contract in 2013, he Googled "Rich People Conversations." He wanted to know what to "talk to wealthy people about." 

Makes sense (or a SHITLOAD of cents) 

Braun, who is tight lipped about his own transactions, seems to revel in revealing Gomez's. Braun's douchebaggery aside, this is kind of a cute and charming story. No word yet on what kind of topics now haunt Gomez's browsing history. Though a quick look at Yahoo Answers on the same question yields the following gems:

(All spelling errors and grammar issues are consistent, for posterity and so we can make fun of them! Full disclosure, these answers are all 6 years old. Which means people stopped asking in 2008 when the economy completely fell apart.)

Question: "What do wealthy people talk about?" 

Skoobysnaks1999 says:  

"want some blow?"

Rich person for all of my 26 years. 

OK. If you're 26 and a "rich person all of my" life, you aren't a good barometer. First of all, YOU'RE 26! No one wants to have a conversation with you, unless you're Jennifer Lawrence (who is in fact only 23, though undoubtedly rich). Second, I think if you are in fact rich, it's "family money" and thus, not earned. Sure you could have had a dotcom at 26 that granted you great wealth, but I'd imagine any computer wiz is going to have a better handle than skoobysnaks1999. I'd expect them to AT LEAST be skoobysnaks1. 

This was the highest voted answer though. Which means we poor people still assume ALL rich people are Tony Montana from Scarface.

Tonya W says: 

"Excuse me sir or madam, Do you have and Grey Poupon?"

This old chestnut. If it's not the copious amounts of cocaine piled on the kitchen table used to measure wealth, it's surely the type of condiment sitting in one's refrigerator. That sums up everything we learned about the rich in the 1980s when Ted DiBiase was the richest man in the entire world (wrestling federation). 

If I never hear another Grey Poupon joke, I'd be OK with that. 

firenice says:

"...people of means and breeding do not have drug parties for the most part. Sounds like you do not really know these people. Start slow, don't feel like you need to be entertaining, just polite. Complement the hostess on the home and event, always introduce yourself and what association you have there. The four golden rules for this type of thing are to keep conversation light and up beat, try to limit getting into discussions on religion, politics, and money. That with watching ones language will get you through just about any social gathering. Have fun!"  

"Means and breeding?" Are they horses?

" not have drug parties for the most part." Way to tack that "get out of jail free" clause on there at the end. Clearly a well researched answer. I assume that these wealthy people aren't all hanging out doing blow, but just in case...

The four golden rules are apparently: 

  • 1. Keep conversation light and up beat - ("How about that local sports franchise that may or may not being performing up to fans expectations this season?") 
  • 2. Try to limit getting into discussions on religion, politics, and money - ("Oh! You own said team that is not returning much on your initial investment? Fuck, that's about money." 
  • 3. Watch your language ("Fuck! I already said 'fuck'") 
  • 4. Have fun! ("Well, I'm just going to have some of those cocktail you have any, mustard?")  

Central N.Y. Guy writes a 1 act play:

"Excuse me biff but can you pass the caviar ?. Why certainly Edward.... This is a lovely outing wouldn't you say so Edward ?.. Oh yes indeed If I do say myself ole Chap.. So tell me biff how is your portfolio ? .. Well Edward I sold off a few shares.... etc...."

Allow me to put into the correct format:

Excuse me, Biff, but can you pass the caviar?

Why certainly, Edward.
This is a lovely outing. Wouldn't you say so, Edward?

Oh yes indeed, if I do say myself, ole Chap.
So tell me, Biff, how is your portfolio?

Well, Edward, I sold off a few shares.


WOW! It's like Mamet and shit!

I will admit, I'd need to consult with the dramaturge on much of this play. Edward's first line ends with a question mark. He appears to be "questioning" the caviar itself. Perhaps it's not up to his refined palate's standards or it's actually cocaine, and he's speaking in code. Pretty heady stuff. 

Also, is Biff the help or a fellow rich person? I'm sure subsequent scenes would reveal this answer. He does refer to Edward by his first name (often) so it is unlikely he is anything but a peer. Perhaps he's "new money," which he has spread out wisely in his "portfolio." Maybe Biff is a day trader, and this is simply a hobby he dabbles in when not hostilely taking over corporations. WAIT! Is this scene from Wall Street 2, ole chap? 

Which one do you think is Biff?

Nancy Jayne says:

"the women like to talk about eachothers shortcomings, thier own cheritable works, fashion and how they spend money
men like to talk about business conquests, eachothers shortcomings and how thier women spend thier money."

Does "Thier" refer to Samuel O. Thier, professor of Medicine and Health Care Policy at Harvard University? He does do a lot of "cheritable" work, which I believe is work he does on removing wings from cherubim and seraphim angels. According to Nancy Jayne, he also has a harem who likes to spend his money.

wonderer says:

"The ones i have attended was more like a competion bragging about their toys for the men and the women are more the gossip talk about others or planning some social event for later while they are competing also on who looks the best and telling each other how lovely they look ...and for most part there is a ton of drinking and some drugs the ones i have attended were usually surgeons , car dealership owners , bank owners, attorneys and a mingle of club friends along with golf teams."

If you make it through this monumental run on sentence, you may find yourself asking the same question I had: "What the fuck is a golf team?"

hello also writes a play:

"so How's the businnes going? Oh you know just great. I made like a zillion dollars today. Isn't it fun to not pay any taxes and not get caught. Oh yea."

(format corrected):

Person #1:
So, how's the business going?

Person #2
 Oh, you know. Just great.
I made like a zillion dollars today. 

Person #1
Isn't it fun to not pay any taxes and not get caught?

Person #2
Oh yea!

Not nearly as good a play as Central N.Y. Guy's. Obviously, more details are needed here. That said, I am fairly certain Person #2 is the Kool-Aide Guy. Perhaps it's the Hawaiian Punch guy and the Kool-Aide Guy getting together at a beverage mogul party. 

Wanna guess who else is there? Coke.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

The Many Faces Of A Prince

Us Weekly, the bastion of quality reporting through out the land, recently came under fire when they altered a photo of the boy Prince, 9 month old Prince George. 

The whole story on PAGE SIX

A spokes person for the magazine (I know, there are still magazines, can you believe it?!?) stated:

“The original image used for the Prince George cover was dark and bluish in tone and needed to be given an overall color shift for printing purposes. By no means did we go in and alter the color of his eyes or cheeks in this process.”

Why not? I say go to fucking town! So, here are 15 photos of what US Weekly could have done to the boy Royal of "Boyal" (Trademarked)

Boy George as K.D. Lang. "Constant Craving" a binky.

A. Raggedy Anne
B. Raggedy Andy
C. Raggedy Conan O'Brien

A bouncer at a lesbian bar in Philly called "Sisters." 
I once used the bathroom there. 

Lon Chaney Jr. AKA The Wolfman, jack! Not to be confused with Wolfman Jack...who also kind of looked like this.

Rod Blagojevich. US royalty. Note the stripes ala a prison jumpsuit.

A High School Football coach. "We're going all to States this year boys!"

The Heat Miser.
 "I'm mister Heat Miser, I'm mister"

Balthazar, wait, maybe this one was K.D. Lang. 
Oh well. 
It doesn't really matter.

Cesar Romaro.
That guy couldn't be bothered to shave the mustache to play the Joker. Fuck man, Ledger actually died that's how dedicated he was.

 Elton John. I know. It's a wig. But come on, the guy wrote Tiny Dancer. Cut him a break.

Either the dude who works on my car or one time WWF Superstar, the Honkey Tonk Man (in 2014). Possibly the same person...

Toronto Mayor, Rob Ford.
Yeah he's a crack addict, but he's fucking adorable!

A Tennis Ball.

Bieber. Fuck him.

Lil' Glenn Danzig.
We Are 138, motherfuckers!