Friday, June 27, 2014

"How are YOU most likely to die?" - THE GAME SHOW

There must be 5000 ways to die
And each one ends the same way if you try
Your friends all stand around
While they dump you in the ground
And the people who loved you will ask why oh why oh why oh why

And the bastard you hated the most
Will stand up and give you a toast
He'll say "We were such good friends especially near the end"
Then he'll feel up your girlfriend in front of your ghost.

That's from the Nerf Herder song, 5000 Ways To Die. I'd link to the video, but alas they never made one.

This past weekend a 49 year old man in North Carolina died digging on the beach of The Outer Banks. He didn't hit a land mine or anything like that, he tried to connect two 6ft deep holes he dug when the tunnel collapsed. He was buried between 10-15 minutes before rescue workers were able to pull him from his sandy tomb. 

This is sad, and I don't want to make light of the fact that a man died. But, along with this story, a statistic came out from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 561 people have died across the country in similar circumstances from 1999 to 2010. 


That's 51 people a year!!! Keeping in mind that MOST of the country is only spending time on beaches for about 3 months out of the year.

So lets play a game. 

"How are YOU most likely to die?"

1. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. A dog attack?


The answer: 34 people in the US die from dog attacks each year (source: - one would assume with that web name, they are the authority on the subject). 

So next time your local news, lazily runs a piece on "vicious pitbull attacks" just remember they are neglecting to inform the public about the threat of a sand castle shovel.

2. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. falling icicles?


The answer: 100 people die of falling icicles in Russia alone! (source: Snowden CountryNo word on how many deaths occur from people attempting to tunnel out of Russia annually.

Looks like you better be PUTIN on a helmet for protection.

3. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. High School/College Football


The answer: 20 kids die in High School related football according to Buzzfeed, while the NY Daily News lists that number (including college students) at a mere 12. Which is hardly any at all (as long as your kids don't play football).

4. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. Rollercoasters


The answer: 4 people die annually on roller coasters (source: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!). 
No information was available on how many people shit their pants annually.

5. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. Shark Attack


The answer: 12 people are killed globally by sharks (source: We're gonna need a bigger blog) This means you're safer in the ocean than on the beach! Of course that doesn't take into account the 9 million species of plants & animals (multiplied by how many of each there are) living in the ocean...oh, or drowning.

My advice if you go to the beach this summer, just lay there and relax. 

Just make sure you wear a lot of sun block, after all 9,710 will die of of melanoma in 2014 (source: Cancerland).

Friday, June 13, 2014

From Westeros to The White House

Politics are becoming more and more contentious, though seemingly less and less popular with younger people. How can we educate today’s youth on the major players in the game of politics, so they’ll be able to vote in the 2016 Presidential election?

Of course…

Former US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton (New York)
Political Site:

Her husband was once the most powerful man in the land. His downfall would be over his love of “the hunt.” Proverbially gored by a pig (sorry Monica).

Watch out Republicans, “A Clinton Always Pays Their Debt.”

Vice President Joe Biden (Delaware)
Political Site:
Government Site: Office of Vice President Joe Biden

Fun & Loveable, but he’s not going to be standing alone on the Wall. He has “taken out” a white walker, which might be a reference to riding trains.

He is a great protector of Gilly (America) and her baby (Delaware…or is it Maryland? – SPOILER!)

Governor Andrew Cuomo (New York)

Following in the footsteps of his great father, he is the presumptive King of the North. However, he is currently mired down with budgetary issues incurred by this past year’s heavy snowfalls. He better get that figured out ASAP, after all WINTER IS COMING!

Also, he’d do well to stay away from weddings.

Former Governor Howard Dean (Vermont)
PAC Site: 
Democracy for America 

Not in a million years, buddy. But he is fun to watch.

US Senator Bernie Sanders (Independent-Vermont)
Political Site:
Government Site: 
Office of US Senator Bernie Sanders
Facebook (Campaign):
Facebook (Official):

I don’t know who this is…

Meanwhile…outside of King’s Landing…

Former Governor Jeb Bush (Florida)

Just because your brother sat on the throne, doesn’t mean you get too. Also, a lot of people still contest the throne was stolen. We all remember in 2000 when the Battle of the Trident took place in Florida.

Plus he’s got the whole Red Queen, Terri Schiavo thing hanging over his head. I make the comparison as it’s a HOT issue that will still likely fuck him.

US Senator Ted Cruz (Texas)

He seems to say ALL the wrong things at all the right times.

I’m not saying he’d sell his sister into slavery, but he would look good in a "golden crown".

Governor Chris Christie (New Jersey)

He keeps himself very insulated and was able to navigate through that whole bridge debacle with his balls intact...oh wait.

Then we’re strictly going belt size on this one.  

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee (Florida)

Where the FUCK have you been?

Governor Rick Perry (Texas)

I think he means well, but is a bit out of touch. His world view is very limited.

Also, he's killed A LOT of people!

Former Massachusets Governor Mitt Romney (California)

You still here? Hmmm...

US Senator Rand Paul (Kentucky)

Seriously, pop a mustache on him and you’re done.
I think he started off with the right intentions, but was pulled in by the political machine that…er…hold on…yep, sorry, this is his character from The Wire.

Little Finger is a down right asshole.

Former US Senator Rick Santorum (Pennsylvania)

Enough said.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Lindsay Lohan Sex List - REVEALED

The discovery & exploration of The Lindsay Lohan sex list is NOT new news. 

I love that In Touch has the water mark on it, admitting, they were the one's digging through Lohan's trash.

In fact a lot of the celebrity sites have covered this as voraciously as CNN continues to cover missing Flight 370. (Still missing guys)

Before I go on, let me say this: I like Lindsay Lohan. I do. I always have. The first time I saw her was in the Freaky Friday remake. I thought she was cute, and enjoyed her performance in the film. I loved her in Mean Girls, and think she brought real heart to that role. 

I also am NOT attempting to "slut shame" her. I think it's a bullshit double standard that we as a society judge men differently than women when it comes to quantity of lovers...quality however is open to interpretation as is evident from the list. 

The big question now, is who are the names left off of the list. In CNN fashion, I shall randomly guess who they are for you with very little facts to support my theories (I'm basically going to see what topics are trending on Twitter and assume they are the answer). 

But first who are the people we KNOW are on the list? Let's meet them to better help determine Lindsay's "type." 

1. Ashton Kutcher AKA The Kutch.

Had "Ghost" lady Demi Moore not muddled things up, this could have been a huge power couple. But alas, The Kutch is left asking, "Dude, Where's My Vagina?" 


3. Ryan Philippe AKA Mr. Witherspoon.

Maybe he's attempting to bulk up and win her back... 

4. Stavros Niarchos.

He was head over heels for Lindsay, and is still holding out hope that she calls his finger phone. 

5. PC Valmorbida.

The guy eats poker chips. She was probably wise not to bet the house on him. 

6. J. Phoenix.

The sleuth detectives online have determined this is Joaquin Phoenix. His answer to the question, "Any chance of rekindling that flame?" is pictured above. 


8. Lucas Haas.

One can only hope that this is not a recent photo. 

9. Nico Tortorella.

He is a conjoined twin who is part dog. The ladies love, them I suppose. 

10. Evan Peters.

He's a nice boy, unfortunately he's made of ice cream and must stay in climates with cooler temperatures. 

11. Danny Cipriani.

His biggest downfall is he's a HUGE Hulk Hogan fan. He does that "ear thing" all damn day! 

12. Maggio Cipriani.

Not related to Danny. I have to wonder if Lindsay was just going through the phone book at this point. By the way Maggio's head has a terrible smoking habit. 

13. Benicio Del Toro.

He was too tame for our Lindsay. 

14. Aaron Voros or as Lindsay lists him Aaron (Rangers). 

Her biggest complaint was he "just laid there." To be fair she might have been talking about how he plays hockey. (BAM! down 3 games to 0 in the Stanley Cup Finals - though Vorons is no longer on the Rangers)

15. Fez. 

"Good Day. I said the weather on Monday & Tuesday seem like it'll be a good day!" 


17. Jamie Burke.

Wax those eyebrows and I think she'd be quite fetching. Is she a Hemingway? 

18. Jamie Dornan (or Jamie 2).

Look at this dreamboat. Is it any surprise Lindsay parleyed *(par - "laid") with him? 

*You know what? Fuck You! They can't all be gold!

19. Zac Effron.

Football not included. 

20. Orlando Bloom.

His past problems with dwarfs aside, I could see how cupid's arrow would pierce Lindsay's heart. (OK, even I admit I'm not even trying anymore)

21. JT. 

He...(don't do it, Kevin!)...He (don't do it!)...He put a (LOOK! You know it's obvious. And it's probably been done a million times. DON'T!!!) Ok... 



DAMMIT! I'm sorry guys. 

22. Brian @ GPH

Joey NO Pants as Cypher

No one seems to know what this means. In fact, it may be a cypher, which once figured out, explains the (BLANK) names as well. There's a TON of speculation on line. Was it supposed to say Brian @ NPH meaning Brian at Neil Patrick Harris's? Probably not. That's just kind of stupid. So I'll assume it should read "Brian @ Gram Parson's House." Still not sure who the fuck Brian is. 

23. Josh Mond.

The Robert Downey Jr cloning machine has almost been perfected. My guess is it'll rival Google Glass by Christmas. 

24. Colin Farrell.

Ladies, the truth is he's hideous...but he hypnotizes with his eyes! 

25. Heath Ledger.

It's rumored they swapped make up tips. 

26. Ryan Rottman.

He's a LOST fan. I can dig it. 

27. Max George.

That's two first names there Mr. Selfish. I dare you to find a photo of him online where he's NOT giving a "thumbs up." 

28. Guy Berryman.

The bass player from Coldplay. Couldn't get a guitarist, could ya? 

29. James Franco.

Never heard of him. 

30. Adam Levine.

I hear the ladies think he's gorgeous. I'm as skeptical as you are Lil Rock. 

31. Garrett Hedlund.

Seen here being held by a model. Word is he is 12 inches long and has 30 points of articulation. 

32. Riley S. 

Again, lots of speculation on this one. 
No one can agree who it is, but I'd like to point out that Riley is also a chick's name! YOOWZAA! 


34. Petey Wright.

He lives in constant fear of his hair going missing. I hear ya, pal. 



So there are 6 people who's names haven't yet been revealed (and 2 more who are vague at best). Here's my attempt to unravel the missing 6. TMZ, feel free to run with these:

2. Eric Cantor.

This guy's name is everywhere today. Is it because he slept with Lindsay? Let's assume yes.

7. World B. Free.

Everyone is talking about World's Cup. Including Lindsay? You betcha!

16. BLANK.

No really, it's Mel Blanc. The voice of Bugs BunnyDaffy Duck & Porky Pig to name a few. Unfortunately, he died in 1989 and born in that makes Mel...HEY! ALLOW ME TO DIRECT YOU BACK UP TO #8. Lucas was pretty Awkward.

33. El Nino.

Lindsay has said that El Nino has gotten her wet in the past. So...

35. Goose.

Not A. E. guys (Anthony Edwards to his close friends), but the actual Top Gun character, "Goose." I don't know how to explain it exactly. Maybe it was a rip in the fabric of reality or perhaps just some scintillating Slash Fiction, but he was definitely in a 4G inverted dive with her MIG 28.

And finally...

36. Herbert Buggington

He rear ended her, and the rest is history!