There must be 5000 ways to die
And each one ends the same way if you try
Your friends all stand around
While they dump you in the ground
And the people who loved you will ask why oh why oh why oh why
And the bastard you hated the most
Will stand up and give you a toast
He'll say "We were such good friends especially near the end"
Then he'll feel up your girlfriend in front of your ghost.
That's from the Nerf Herder song, 5000 Ways To Die. I'd link to the video, but alas they never made one.
This past weekend a 49 year old man in North Carolina died digging on the beach of The Outer Banks. He didn't hit a land mine or anything like that, he tried to connect two 6ft deep holes he dug when the tunnel collapsed. He was buried between 10-15 minutes before rescue workers were able to pull him from his sandy tomb.
This is sad, and I don't want to make light of the fact that a man died. But, along with this story, a statistic came out from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. 561 people have died across the country in similar circumstances from 1999 to 2010.
That's 51 people a year!!! Keeping in mind that MOST of the country is only spending time on beaches for about 3 months out of the year.
So lets play a game.
"How are YOU most likely to die?"
1. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. A dog attack?
The answer: 34 people in the US die from dog attacks each year (source: dogbitelaw.com - one would assume with that web name, they are the authority on the subject).
So next time your local news, lazily runs a piece on "vicious pitbull attacks" just remember they are neglecting to inform the public about the threat of a sand castle shovel.
2. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. falling icicles?
The answer: 100 people die of falling icicles in Russia alone! (source: Snowden Country) No word on how many deaths occur from people attempting to tunnel out of Russia annually.
Looks like you better be PUTIN on a helmet for protection.
3. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. High School/College Football
The answer: 20 kids die in High School related football according to Buzzfeed, while the NY Daily News lists that number (including college students) at a mere 12. Which is hardly any at all (as long as your kids don't play football).
4. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. Rollercoasters
The answer: 4 people die annually on roller coasters (source: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!).
No information was available on how many people shit their pants annually.
5. Buried alive in beach tunnel collapse vs. Shark Attack
The answer: 12 people are killed globally by sharks (source: We're gonna need a bigger blog) This means you're safer in the ocean than on the beach! Of course that doesn't take into account the 9 million species of plants & animals (multiplied by how many of each there are) living in the ocean...oh, or drowning.
My advice if you go to the beach this summer, just lay there and relax.
Just make sure you wear a lot of sun block, after all 9,710 will die of of melanoma in 2014 (source: Cancerland).