Sunday, December 6, 2009

Little Drummer Boy

Who amongst us didn't think, at least at one point in their life, that "the Little Drummer Boy," and "Little Drummond Boy," might in fact be the same person? Be honest...

The fact is it's kind of tough to figure out who the REAL "Little Drummond Boy" would be. Sure Willis was the OLDEST, but that doesn't mean Philip Drummond didn't heap upon him ALL of his love. In fact, sometimes the OLDEST is the most loved. After all they are closest to you in age.

Let us remember all of the Drummond's as we go through the lyrics of "The Little Drummer Boy," and of course, some holiday history:
Little Drummer Boy was written in 1958. Katherine K. Davis, Henry Onorati & Harry Simeon all had a hand in its creation. The song would go on to be a hit for the odd duo of (Christmas perennial and kid beating) Bing Crosby & (cross dressing and Mick Jagger beating offing) David Bowie. It was Crosby's hottest selling song since "White Christmas."

"The Little Drummer Boy"

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum.

They actually told you "come?" what way?

A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum.
There seem to be a lot of problems with that last sentence...could you maybe move the verb around? What is this, "Yoda Speak?"

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Really? Cause you didn't actually bring anything. Yeah, you played a song and all...but you left nothing CONCRETE. Like, the kid had nothing to unwrap...that's kind of like not bringing anything at all. You didn't even leave a drum stick. Tommy Lee at least has the decency to throw a stick into the crowd...and he made a porn.
Just saying, be more like Tommy Lee (WWTLD?)

To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
Again, didn't "lay" anything before the King. Tommy Lee on the other hand, did lay Pamela Anderson. Not necessarily "before" the King, but nonetheless...

So to honor him, pa rum pum pum pum, when we come.
Kind of obsessed with this whole coming thing, huh? And what's with the rum pum pum pums? Couldn't think of anything else? Sounds like a place holder that you decided to leave in. Lazy buddy! Really fucking lazy. Let's see how things are progressing for the "Little Drummond Boy..."
Oh Sam. The cousin Oliver of Different Strokes. What was with your mother's accent by the way? Why didn't you have one?

Sam did end up on "Salute Your Shorts." He went from being "honkey lips," to being "Donkey Lips." Look it up...that's close to accurate, and on the internet, that's PRETTY DAMN GOOD!

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum.

I don't think I would call The Lord, a little baby. I understand what you're saying...just seems like a taunt.

I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum.
You just called Jesus a baby and poor. What's up bub? He can shoot ray beams out of his eyes. I wouldn't be talkin' shit.

I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Because you spent all of your money. On whores. Philip Drummond would be rolling over in his grave if he wasn't cryogenically frozen (they store them so they can't roll over - limits the cracking).

That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
The King? Or A King? Cause Jesus was great and all, but there's only one true King...

King Dudley:

You knew I had to fit in a Dudley getting molested joke right? Cause it isn't Christmas if some's "kick stand" isn't being straightened out in the back of a bike shop. Look it up...

Shall I play of you, pa rum pum pum pum? On my drum?

No, why don't you play on the baby's soft spot? Dumb fucking drumming kid. You know they will eventually invent a drumming machine because you're such a dick right?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum.
She was being nice.

The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what the drummer is supposed to do?

I played my drum for Him pa rum pum pum pum.
We get it!

I played my best for Him pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum.
You're what 6? How good could that really have been?

Then He smiled at me pa rum pum pum pum. Me and my drum.
He's a was gas.


So there you have it. The Little Drummer Boy, and of course the little Drummond boy.

What's you talkin' about Jesus?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Jingle Bells

I find Christmas a bit perverted...perhaps that's why I love it. The holiday revolves around a dude who sneaks into your house and fondles your stockings for Chrissake! We all know the jokes about how he only "comes once a year." Hell, even mistletoe is a devious ornament. The rules of Christmas DEMAND that anyone caught standing under mistletoe, must kiss. This has lead many a sex fiend to fashion a belt buckle out of the leaf from the old rape tree.

My brothers and I are all within 4 years of each other. This meant we all made similar discoveries around the same time. My mother, in her motherly way, decided to tell these three boys that their testicles were "jingle bells." This was no big deal, until Christmas when we heard the word incessantly. I suppose some children would blush hearing the word being tossed around the way it was...while others would scream with fear. Imagine the thoughts of a child who learns "jingle bells" will be hung from the Christmas Tree. This does prove an efficient way to keep naughty kids nice the whole year round. However, the Regan boys found this to be hilarious. Imagine watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and hear Santa Claus say, "each year I shine up my 'jingle bells' for eight lucky reindeer." Trust me, we laughed our Jingle Bells off!

By the way, a little history on the song: It was written by James Pierpoint in 1857. It was actually written for Thanksgiving, not Christmas. Pierpoint was a Boston minister, which given what I've already said above and the things we have learned about clergymen from Beantown in recent years, seems appropriate (in a very inappropriate way).

So, put yourself in the mind set of a child as we review the words to this "harmless" Holiday Classic:

"Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh"

I feel two horse open sleigh would have been a bit on the nose. Imagine the bouncing up and down you'd be doing with two horses pulling the sleigh. Rather than red and green (as pictured above) those jingle bells would both be RED!

"O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way"

If one of your jingle bells was green, you wouldn't be laughing. Instead, you'd be booking ass to the doctor. He'd probably say, "Put some ice on it." Then you'd be like..."CHRIST! I was just dashing through the snow, I should have reached out and grabbed some."

"Bells on bob tails ring, making spirits bright"

What is a bob tail you might wonder...well it was a horse's tail cut short. Not sure why this asshole decided to put bells on it after he butchered it. Man, this song is creepy. We got a guy with a red nut and a green nut booking ass to the ER all the while riding a eunuch horse. (Wait until we get to "Deck the Halls" kids).

"What fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight."

Now here's the crazy part, in Boston, where people speak funny, "Sleighing" and "Slaying" mean the same thing.'s possible that this deranged animal, with multi-colored testes, is on a killing spree which should have been predicted when he started cutting horse cocks as a hobby. Let's see where this tune takes us...

"Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way."

You all pictured him shaking his parts about while singing this right? It's not just me I mean.

"On what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

Now I'm picturing the guy riding down hills IN the horse. He gutted the poor beast like Han did to the Ton Ton in Empire. Only Han did it so his friend Luke won't die from horrid weather conditions, this dude did it because SANTA told him to...I ask you, was it SANTA...or perhaps if we move a letter or two S-A-T-A-N. Oh holy shit!

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way."

He's back to the shaking thing again. It gets him riled up.

"Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

Repeating one's self is both a poetic device, AND a sign of insanity. Luckily no one else was on the sleigh with this sick bastard. Wait, what? There's a second verse to this song? Most people just repeat the first verse over and over (See line about insanity above).

"A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride."

That means this is ALL premeditated. That's first degree sucko!

"And soon Miss Fanny Bright, was seated by my side."

Oh Fuck! He's got a hostage.

"The horse was lean and lank, misfortune seemed his lot."

Okay asshole, you cut his dick off...not sure you should be blaming misfortune here. How about the guy with multi colored balls. And why point out he's lean and lank? He was doing just fine until you started snipping.

"We got into a drifting bank, and then we got upsot."

I have no idea what the fuck this means.

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way, Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh,"
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way, Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

And there you have it. Clearly the guy dies in a snow bank. What of the fate of Miss Fanny Bright you wonder? Some claim she was already dead and the guy was defiling her corpse in between verses, but others believe it was Miss Bright who went on to tell the tale of the man with multi colored nuts.

Either way it's a toe tapper.