Thursday, April 19, 2012

Squint & Yell

Come see me Squint & Yell tomorrow night at 10pm.

Check out the link for tickets and more details:

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Every time I eat a banana I end up covered in yogurt…or something like that.

So Julie joined a gym.  She’s already in great shape, but since we are going to Aruba for our 10 year wedding anniversary, she decided a gym was in order.  Crap! 

That means I have two choices:

One - I can be the fat guy with the trophy wife on an island.  This won’t do!  Here’s why:  People will assume I have money.  I don’t!  They’ll expect me to pay top price for everything.  I steal shampoo bottles!  They’ll expect me to tip over 12%.  OK, I won’t even joke here and pretend I’m a bad tipper for the sake of “the rule of three.”  Truthfully,  I am the best tipper you will ever meet.  I have even stopped going out to dinner with certain friends because they are such horrendous tippers.*

*Note, if we’ve been out to dinner in the past and we don’t go out anymore it’s probably just because I’ve been busy, not because you’re a cheapo fuckwad.

Two – I have to start getting myself into “beach shape.”  I am not exactly sure what “beach shape” is, but I know I’m not in it, nor have I ever been in my entire life.  So I’ will need to block out some time daily to exercise, but here’s the rub:  I am busy as hell!  I am currently working on Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson which opens in 3 weeks, I am performing with ComedySportz on average 3 times a month and of course I have to find time to watch all the porn on the internet.  There’s a lot.

So when can a brother hit the treadmill?  How about 6:00 am?

Yep, I have been getting up, most days, at about 6:00 am to lift weights (they’re heavy) and run.  After which I sit on the front porch and read the newspaper before showering and going to work.  On the way to work I buy a banana and yogurt (lowfat).  I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve turned into “that guy.”

Then today, I noticed something.  After finishing my banana I started on my my yogurt.  When I pulled the foil off the yogurt a bunch of it shot on my arm.  This has become such a routine that I have napkins on my desk to address this.  You can’t open the yogurt without getting sprayed with some of it.  So I clean myself off and eat it.  That’s when it occurred to me, that to get into “beach shape” I suck down a banana and end up covered in yogurt.  Perhaps I’ve become “that guy!”

Honestly, it’s not a whole hell of a lot different than the looking a porn thing…I just get up a lot earlier.

Google Image says that's yogurt.  Let's assume it is.

Friday, April 6, 2012

EASTER by Bill Hicks

EASTER by Bill Hicks

"I was over in Australia during easter, which was intersting. Interesting to note they celebrate Easter the same way we do; commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night.

Now, I wonder why we're fucked up as a race, anybody? Anybody got any clues out there?

Where do you get this shit from you know? Why those two things you know? Why not ‘Goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer’ you know? As long as we’re making shit up, go hog wild you know. At least a goldfish with a Lincoln Log on it's back goin' across your floor to your sock drawer has a miraculous conotation to it.
I couldn't find a goldfish with lincoln logs photo.
'Mummy I woke todaye and there was a Lincoln Log in me sock drawer!'.

'That's the story of Jesus'.

Who comes up with this shit?! I’ve read the Bible. I can’t find the words ‘bunny’ or ‘chocolate’ anywhere in that fucking book".