Monday, March 31, 2014

Paul Simon, You Lazy Bastard or 50 ACTUAL Ways To Leave Your Lover

In 1975, Paul Simon released the album "Still Crazy After All These Years." That also happens to be the same year, I was "released." Thanks Mom!

Simon's only #1 song as a solo act, "50 Ways To Leave Your Lover" was on this album. Wikipedia describes the song as, "a mistress's humorous advice to a husband on ways to end a relationship."" The description is kind of accurate, but the song itself is completely misleading. First of all, the song doesn't really give you ways to leave your lover. "Slip out the back, Jack" doesn't really give you a plan to "end your relationship," but rather directions on how to leave once you do. 

"Hop on the bus, Gus," is about as useful as saying, "Walk on your feet, Pete."
"Make a new plan, Stan." I'M TRYING DICKHEAD! You're supposed to be telling me what that plan is! 

Even if we all agree that these are in fact "ways" in which one can relinquish them self from their lover, any mathematician will tell you, it falls far short of 50. Here are 50 "Simonesque" Ways To Leave Your Lover: 

1. "Commit suicide, Clyde."
-I won't go into EVERY WHICH WAY (get it? Clyde) that one could kill themself, but this is a surefire way to definitively get out of any relationship. 

2. "Smack a poisonous snake, Jake."
-This isn't code for jacking off, but rather finding a venomous snake and kicking it with your boots, Coots.  Ala Jaime Coots, the Kentucky pastor who starred on the TV show "Snake Salvation," until a snake cut his life AND marriage short. 

3. "Use a gun, hon." Like Kurt Cobain did back in 1994. What's that?!? They reopened the case after four rolls of previously undeveloped film was found? 

4. "Don't forget to wear a glove, LOVE!" I knew Courtney did it!!! What's that?!? The case was merely reexamined and NOT reopened? 

5. "Courtney got away, Faye." Fuck. 

6. "Don't come back from a fire drill, Wil." Also a good way to quit your job. 

7. "Give him Gonorrhea, Mia." They'll leave YOU after they find out that you're a "penicillin villain." They'd also be reminded of you, every time they pee for the rest of their life. 

8. "Go ahead and crash her car, Jafar." People get pissed when you crash their cars. Especially when you do it deliberately as proven by all the Vines you post. 

9. "Bang their best friend, Sven." Again. Vine posts really sell this one. 

10. "While she sleeps shave her head, Ned." You could also take those clippers and even out your sideburns, friend. 

11. "Get a Tattoo, Stu." Not ANY tattoo. But a real shitty one. Like "I'm a Belieber!" 

12. "Move to Guam, Tom." Lots of mosquitos. That's a deal breaker. 

13. "Sell her favorite Llama, Obama." This is very specific, and only works on a select few. Obviously. 

14. "Fly away on a plane, Dwayne." OK. Seems most of these are killing of Kurt Cobain and dolling out of Gonorrhea are plans for dudes. What about the ladies? 

15. "Fly away on a plane, Jane." Make sure it's not the same plane as Dwayne, or you're liable to have a "Pina Colada" moment. 

16. "Spike his Pina Colada, Ramada." If there's a chick named Paris Hilton, there's can surely be a female named Ramada. 

17. "Fake your own death, Beth." BONUS, you can also cash in on your life insurance. 

18. "Forbid him to masturbate, Kate." He'll leave. Trust me. 

19. "Get in a boat and row, Flo." If he gets on with you... 

20. "...Throw him overboard like ballast, Alice." (Hope you can swim, Jim!) 

21. "Tell him the only thing you'll blow is a harmonica, Veronica." He's gone. (see #18) 

22. "Use the secret of Nimh, Kim" Or let the Fitzgibbon's cat kill him. 

23. "Take all his valuables to pawn, Dawn." 

24. "Slap a cop and go to jail, Gail." 

25. "Spoil the end of his book, Brooke." 
Tyrion kills EVERYBODY!

26. "Delete his DVR'd "Walking Dead," Winifred." 

27. "Enlist in the Navy, Davy." Non Sibi Sed Patrise! (I looked it up) 

28. "Never give her a diamond, Simon." She'll leave after like 50 or 60 years. 

29. "Do it under the cover of dark, Mark." Like at night or during an eclipse. 

30. "Punch her old man, Dan." You know you wanna! 

31. "Sleep with Boys II Men, Jen." This probably isn't a deal breaker.

32. "Jump out of a cake, Lake." I assume this means naked out of another guys cake. Or he's diabetic and you're trying to kill him. Either way, if Lake Bell jumps out of a cake, I'm fucking staying! 

Man. This is harder than I thought. No wonder Paul Simon only did like four of them... 

33. "Leave on a sled, Jed." 
Of course it's Spring now, so this one is less likely to happen

34. "Try a skateboard, Lourde." Madonna's kid?

35. "Hitch with your thumb, Eve Plumb." Again, rather specific.

36. "Go up in a balloon, June." June & Jane are so similar. They also both left in flight.

37. "Surf off on a wave, Dave." I just stared off into space thinking of this for about 20 minutes. Did I mention it's finally Spring?

"Cover yourself with dirt, Kurt." This plays into #3-5. I suppose the suggestion is again suicide or faking your death...or becoming a David Blaine like magician. 

39. "Pull a rabbit out of your hat, Pat." Women don't like magic. Only children and the slightly deranged. 

40. "Poison his pizza, Lisa." Don't do this Lisa. Pizza should be revered. 

41. "Root against the home team, Karim." FUCK YOU and your Yankees hat! I don't care that your Dad grew up in New York. 

42. "Cut off his pair, Claire." This could mean ears, I suppose... 

43. "Punch her left tit, Mitt." This is pretty much what I remember Mitt running on. 

44. "Cover her with pee, Mr. T." AKA "Cover her belly, R. Kelly." 

45. "Demand equal pay, Mae." This shouldn't ruin a relationship, though some assholes think it would ruin a country. 

46. "Enroll in some night classes, then transfer to an accredited college, neglect fun by studying night and day, graduate at the head of your class and land an internship for no pay and very little gratitude, but meet someone who sees something in you and takes you under their wing - showing you the ins and outs and eventually recommends you for a low level job at NASA, where you work your way up through the ranks and then enter the flight program which, after years of more hard work, sends you to Space, Chase." Or just punch her in the tit like previously suggested. 

47. "Start dressing like a princess Leia slave, Dave." Or maybe she's into that... 

48. "Try her clothes on, Don." See above 

WAIT! HOLD ON! You're lady friend has a princess Leia slave outfit, and you're trying to end that relations ship? 

49. "What's up with your libido, Greedo?" Seriously...I think we know who "shoots first" in this relationship. 

And finally... 

50. "Don't be such a spoiled Cunt, Gwyneth." 

OK. So, they don't ALL rhyme.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm)

"Thanks for the Christmas Card You sent me, Violet!" 

OK...I don't do Christmas Cards. I'm lazy and you're ungrateful. Let's just call it even, shall we? 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I do however, throw parties from time to time. The biggest one of the year being a karaoke party for my dear friend Kerry's birthday, thus "Kerryoke." 
"Ooooooooh! I just thought you couldn't spell." 

Yeah. There's that too. 

But undoubtedly, I get the old sarcastic standby, "thanks for the invite" from somebody. 

Here's the deal, I don't use Facebook for events. My reason is, no one reads them. They get lumped in with the Farmville invites, and the Candy Crush invites, and the comment notifications you receive from when you told someone to "Get Well Soon" 3 months ago, and their Aunt Grace is just now getting around to writing on that thread. 

It's a lot of clutter. 

Instead, I use the archaic invitation site, Evite. 

For Kerryoke, I have used it for 6 of the 8 parties. Every year, I just re import the email addresses and hit send. BAM! "Your attendance is kindly requested." Then...I wait. 

"Jesus replied, Yes" 

AWESOME! JESUS is coming! (Which is always good because then you buy a case of water and you're set with libations!) 

I turn off the email notifications, but still check Evite about 2-3 times a week. The best feature is that I can tell when someone actually viewed the invitation. #SNOWDENWASRIGHT! 

"Lucifer read this on 6/6/6" 

"WTF! Why didn't Lucifer reply yet? He probably wants to see if there's anything better going on that night. What a dickbag." 

Here's what I hate about Evite, and the biggest issue with the site:  Ready? Wait for's...YOU! Not you, you. But YOU. The fact that you "don't use that email anymore." Which brings me to the crux of this blog entry: 

What is the up with people changing their emails every 12 seconds? 

Not counting work, I have had 4 emails in my lifetime. The first was an AOL account. Then a Hotmail (I literally checked it about 5 times and then abandoned it). Then a Yahoo account (which has an auto response on it telling you, I no longer use this email address). Finally my Gmail account. I also, have a ComedySportz email, but it funnels to my current email. And I used to have a League email account from when we did the web series.

Even this seems excessive. BUT, during the same time period, I had as many physical addresses. 
1 - My parent's house that I grew up in 
2 - Temple University when I went to college 
3 - My apartment with Julie 
4 - My house with Julie. 

So all in all, seems reasonable, right? 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I go back and check the EVITE list. And see THAT person's email address. WTF? 

"Look Lucifer, I invited you!" 
"Oh. I don't use that address anymore. That 's my old Hotmail account" (Get it? He's from Hell) 
"OK. Well I didn't get the memo that you changed it." 
"'Well' what Lucifer? You know what? Fuck you. I'm glad you weren't there. All you'd do is sing 'I Went Down To Georgia' over and over anyway. We got it the first time, A-hole!" 

Lucifer and I are currently not talking. He needs time to cool off (Get it? The Hell thing again...) 

Seriously though, it's not my fault you changed your email and didn't tell anyone. 

Of course, this is my favorite: 

"Thanks for the invite." (sarcasm) 

I go back and check the EVITE list. And see THAT person's email address. 

"Lucifer read this on 6/6/6" 

"I did invite you! AND you read the invite on 6/6/6!" 
"Oh. I must have deleted it." 
"Fuck you, dude." 
"Friend me on Facebook and create an Event." 

Two weeks later: 

"Lucifer has invited you to play CANDYCRUSH." 

"God, I fucking hate that guy! I should defriend him. What would Jesus do? Wait...what the...I think Jesus defriended me. CRAP!"