Sunday, December 6, 2009

Little Drummer Boy

Who amongst us didn't think, at least at one point in their life, that "the Little Drummer Boy," and "Little Drummond Boy," might in fact be the same person? Be honest...

The fact is it's kind of tough to figure out who the REAL "Little Drummond Boy" would be. Sure Willis was the OLDEST, but that doesn't mean Philip Drummond didn't heap upon him ALL of his love. In fact, sometimes the OLDEST is the most loved. After all they are closest to you in age.

Let us remember all of the Drummond's as we go through the lyrics of "The Little Drummer Boy," and of course, some holiday history:
Little Drummer Boy was written in 1958. Katherine K. Davis, Henry Onorati & Harry Simeon all had a hand in its creation. The song would go on to be a hit for the odd duo of (Christmas perennial and kid beating) Bing Crosby & (cross dressing and Mick Jagger beating offing) David Bowie. It was Crosby's hottest selling song since "White Christmas."

"The Little Drummer Boy"

Come they told me, pa rum pum pum pum.

They actually told you "come?" what way?

A new born King to see, pa rum pum pum pum.
There seem to be a lot of problems with that last sentence...could you maybe move the verb around? What is this, "Yoda Speak?"

Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Really? Cause you didn't actually bring anything. Yeah, you played a song and all...but you left nothing CONCRETE. Like, the kid had nothing to unwrap...that's kind of like not bringing anything at all. You didn't even leave a drum stick. Tommy Lee at least has the decency to throw a stick into the crowd...and he made a porn.
Just saying, be more like Tommy Lee (WWTLD?)

To lay before the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
Again, didn't "lay" anything before the King. Tommy Lee on the other hand, did lay Pamela Anderson. Not necessarily "before" the King, but nonetheless...

So to honor him, pa rum pum pum pum, when we come.
Kind of obsessed with this whole coming thing, huh? And what's with the rum pum pum pums? Couldn't think of anything else? Sounds like a place holder that you decided to leave in. Lazy buddy! Really fucking lazy. Let's see how things are progressing for the "Little Drummond Boy..."
Oh Sam. The cousin Oliver of Different Strokes. What was with your mother's accent by the way? Why didn't you have one?

Sam did end up on "Salute Your Shorts." He went from being "honkey lips," to being "Donkey Lips." Look it up...that's close to accurate, and on the internet, that's PRETTY DAMN GOOD!

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum.

I don't think I would call The Lord, a little baby. I understand what you're saying...just seems like a taunt.

I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum.
You just called Jesus a baby and poor. What's up bub? He can shoot ray beams out of his eyes. I wouldn't be talkin' shit.

I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Because you spent all of your money. On whores. Philip Drummond would be rolling over in his grave if he wasn't cryogenically frozen (they store them so they can't roll over - limits the cracking).

That's fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.
The King? Or A King? Cause Jesus was great and all, but there's only one true King...

King Dudley:

You knew I had to fit in a Dudley getting molested joke right? Cause it isn't Christmas if some's "kick stand" isn't being straightened out in the back of a bike shop. Look it up...

Shall I play of you, pa rum pum pum pum? On my drum?

No, why don't you play on the baby's soft spot? Dumb fucking drumming kid. You know they will eventually invent a drumming machine because you're such a dick right?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum.
She was being nice.

The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what the drummer is supposed to do?

I played my drum for Him pa rum pum pum pum.
We get it!

I played my best for Him pa rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum rum pum pum pum.
You're what 6? How good could that really have been?

Then He smiled at me pa rum pum pum pum. Me and my drum.
He's a was gas.


So there you have it. The Little Drummer Boy, and of course the little Drummond boy.

What's you talkin' about Jesus?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Jingle Bells

I find Christmas a bit perverted...perhaps that's why I love it. The holiday revolves around a dude who sneaks into your house and fondles your stockings for Chrissake! We all know the jokes about how he only "comes once a year." Hell, even mistletoe is a devious ornament. The rules of Christmas DEMAND that anyone caught standing under mistletoe, must kiss. This has lead many a sex fiend to fashion a belt buckle out of the leaf from the old rape tree.

My brothers and I are all within 4 years of each other. This meant we all made similar discoveries around the same time. My mother, in her motherly way, decided to tell these three boys that their testicles were "jingle bells." This was no big deal, until Christmas when we heard the word incessantly. I suppose some children would blush hearing the word being tossed around the way it was...while others would scream with fear. Imagine the thoughts of a child who learns "jingle bells" will be hung from the Christmas Tree. This does prove an efficient way to keep naughty kids nice the whole year round. However, the Regan boys found this to be hilarious. Imagine watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and hear Santa Claus say, "each year I shine up my 'jingle bells' for eight lucky reindeer." Trust me, we laughed our Jingle Bells off!

By the way, a little history on the song: It was written by James Pierpoint in 1857. It was actually written for Thanksgiving, not Christmas. Pierpoint was a Boston minister, which given what I've already said above and the things we have learned about clergymen from Beantown in recent years, seems appropriate (in a very inappropriate way).

So, put yourself in the mind set of a child as we review the words to this "harmless" Holiday Classic:

"Dashing through the snow, in a one horse open sleigh"

I feel two horse open sleigh would have been a bit on the nose. Imagine the bouncing up and down you'd be doing with two horses pulling the sleigh. Rather than red and green (as pictured above) those jingle bells would both be RED!

"O'er the fields we go, laughing all the way"

If one of your jingle bells was green, you wouldn't be laughing. Instead, you'd be booking ass to the doctor. He'd probably say, "Put some ice on it." Then you'd be like..."CHRIST! I was just dashing through the snow, I should have reached out and grabbed some."

"Bells on bob tails ring, making spirits bright"

What is a bob tail you might wonder...well it was a horse's tail cut short. Not sure why this asshole decided to put bells on it after he butchered it. Man, this song is creepy. We got a guy with a red nut and a green nut booking ass to the ER all the while riding a eunuch horse. (Wait until we get to "Deck the Halls" kids).

"What fun it is to laugh and sing a sleighing song tonight."

Now here's the crazy part, in Boston, where people speak funny, "Sleighing" and "Slaying" mean the same thing.'s possible that this deranged animal, with multi-colored testes, is on a killing spree which should have been predicted when he started cutting horse cocks as a hobby. Let's see where this tune takes us...

"Oh Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way."

You all pictured him shaking his parts about while singing this right? It's not just me I mean.

"On what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

Now I'm picturing the guy riding down hills IN the horse. He gutted the poor beast like Han did to the Ton Ton in Empire. Only Han did it so his friend Luke won't die from horrid weather conditions, this dude did it because SANTA told him to...I ask you, was it SANTA...or perhaps if we move a letter or two S-A-T-A-N. Oh holy shit!

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way."

He's back to the shaking thing again. It gets him riled up.

"Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

Repeating one's self is both a poetic device, AND a sign of insanity. Luckily no one else was on the sleigh with this sick bastard. Wait, what? There's a second verse to this song? Most people just repeat the first verse over and over (See line about insanity above).

"A day or two ago, I thought I'd take a ride."

That means this is ALL premeditated. That's first degree sucko!

"And soon Miss Fanny Bright, was seated by my side."

Oh Fuck! He's got a hostage.

"The horse was lean and lank, misfortune seemed his lot."

Okay asshole, you cut his dick off...not sure you should be blaming misfortune here. How about the guy with multi colored balls. And why point out he's lean and lank? He was doing just fine until you started snipping.

"We got into a drifting bank, and then we got upsot."

I have no idea what the fuck this means.

"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way, Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh,"
"Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle all the way, Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh."

And there you have it. Clearly the guy dies in a snow bank. What of the fate of Miss Fanny Bright you wonder? Some claim she was already dead and the guy was defiling her corpse in between verses, but others believe it was Miss Bright who went on to tell the tale of the man with multi colored nuts.

Either way it's a toe tapper.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Just A Saturday Night In Wilmington

I don't play poker.

Mostly because I can read people's minds and therefore feel its cheating. Also, I don't like to "handle" chips, unless its that latin love Erik Estrada. I'm not gay, but come on! That dude's down right dreamy:
So last night I went to see Stephen Lynch at The Grand in Wilmignton, DE. It was an awesome show! I was there with Jim Burns, star of The Water Horse: Legend of the Deep. If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it. Jim is awesome. The secen where he farts in the tub and the Water Horse giggles like a child is priceless. Cinema at its finest. Again, not gay, but Jim is also dreamy:
Speaking of the dreamy, here's a shot of Jim dreaming. I hope he's dreaming of doing a sequel to The Water Horse. So many questions left unanswered.

Also, accompanying us to the show, was George Stulak. You may consider George dreamy, but he's most certainly gay. Also, never saw The Water Horse. Which in and of itself is rather gay if you ask this red blooded, hetero, America.

Although let's be honest, the dude can pull off wicker & camo, which will come in handy if we ever decide to storm the beachs of pretty much ANY beach resort.
So after the show, Steve Manocchio got us back stage with Stephen, Rod Cone and David Josefsberg. Stephen & Joberg were playing cards. Joberg said, "Sit down boys, play a hand." I told them I was religious and my God looked down upon those who gambled for financial gain. They said we could play for bragging rights, but I informed them pride too was a sin to my people. Jim and George are not burdened by such a strict God, which meant they were able to play (and will ultimately burn in hell...George even more so cause of the whole gay thing).
So Joberg dealt the cards and I let my mind reading go to work just to amuse me. Lynch was holding a pair of queens. Joberg nothing better than a 10. Jim was rocking a 2 pair. And George had a pair of twos and the instruction card. Not sure how that ended in there, but George held it when it was time to get some "fresh" cards. The betting part I zoned out for as I'm fairly certain just being in the room for that can have horrible repercussions on one's soul.
The betting went around the table and go to George. "Give me all your 9's," he said.
Joberg looked annoyed, "This isn't go fish buddy."
George threw the table over and pulled out a gun he fashioned from the seat infront of him during the night's performance. "I said I'll be taking the Gosh Dang nines ya cunts!" Personally, I appreciated him not taking the Lords name.
Joberg went throught the deck and gave him all of the nines. Let's face it, you don't mess with a dude in wicker and camo, no matter who you are. George texted me later that night he is almost done the house of cards he is building only from "nines." George is on medication.
Before we left Stephen and Joberg were kind enough to pose for a picture with me.
If the photo seems hazy, it was probably all of the REEFER in the air. You know those guys in the music biz. Also, if you look closely, you and totally tell Stephen is grabbing my ass.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Star Wars: The Wrath of Caan

Some of you may recall the blog post listed above (not the part about Pat Morita dying...although you may remember that too).

Julie's friend, Scott, from her Pulsations Days forced us out of bed one cold night at 3:00 am back in '05, to help with what he called "Balloon Work," during the Macy's Day Parade. It was absolutely getting into a plane with Cory Lidle (ironically, the same apartment was victim on both occasions. No word on whether Pat Morita was a resident).

I vowed never to allow Mr. Scott Caan (yes, that Scott Caan) to get me caught up in another one of his "adventures." Well it was a quiet four years, until Sunday night.

Julie and I went to see "Star Wars In Concert" at the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia. A lot of our friends were in attendence, Joel & his lovely bride Sabrina. James. One of my favorite writers Matt Casarino ( - cheap plug buddy!) along with Tina Sheing. And the entire Turner family. Julie and I had floor seats! How happy were we? Keeping in mind that EVERYWHERE we go, the tallest person seems to sit in front of my wife. Multiply the fact that this was a Star Wars event and the guy becomes exponentially wider. Let me put it this way, Salicious Crumb laughs at his every joke...get it? We enjoyed the evening and then said "adieu" to our friends (Actually I didn't as I don't speak French).

Julie and I sat down and waited around for the place to clear out. A security guard said, "Gotta move it along." I told him we were just waiting for the crowd to dissipate a bit before we headed out. This guy, who's name tag read "Abe," didn't care much for that plan. Julie, being the wise beauty she is, was able to keep me from pulling a John Wilkes on old Honest Abe. She even managed to get him to point out a VIP elevator that would get us up a level faster than standing in the line to go up the steps (floor seat bitches!). So we walked up to another security guard who looked back to Abe. Abe nodded and the security guard allowed us to hoped in the elevator. It wasn't fast, but it wasn't standing in a line filled with amped up Star Wars nerds either. The doors open and J-Lo Snow and I were home free...almost.

"Kevin!" He always manages to punch me directly in the bone in my shoulder. I haven't seen Scott Caan in 4 years, almost to the day...I mean I've scene him in movies, he's done a bunch since 2005 including Ocean's 13...but he hasn't seen me. AND I am standing with my wife, his friend, yet he still manages to see me first and essentially cripple my left arm for the rest of the night. Scott hugs Julie (no punch there) and pulls us both from the elevator. His "bodyman" Leo is standing there and escorts us through a crowd of people to a set of service doors. We walk down a long hall and Leo pulls out a cell phone. "This is us coming out now," he says. This is the second time I've met Leo, and either he didn't speak last time, or I never noticed he has a high pitch voice with a slight German accent. Julie told me later she thought it was Austrian. I don't know that there's much of a difference.

BOOM! The door busts open and Scott double times it into the Limo waiting. Leo ushers Julie and I to follow toward the door Scott just jumped through. I notice cameras are everywhere. Not fans, but something different. Paparazzi. Scott has to deal with his share of unwanted camera bulbs flashing because of the business he works in, but this was like a frenzy! Likely because of the rumors that Scott has been seen "making time" with Jessica Alba. I think of that for a second as I'm ducking into the car. I dismiss it as just gossip for the trashy websites like TMZ (which I watch every week day at 6:30). As Leo slams the door behind Julie and I, I find the soft delicate hand of Jessica Alba in mine. Scott says, "These are the people I was telling you about, Kevin & Julie." Wait. What? How the hell did Scott Caan know we'd be at this show? I know I once acted out the entire Cloud City Scene from Empire for his amusment over dinner the night I first met him, but that was only because Billy Dee was sitting at the next table. I was that or acted out Brian's Song...which I thought would be inappropriate given Billy Dee's costar in that film. I wondered if Leo had been keeping tabs on us. As our eyes met in the rearview mirror he lifted an eyebrow as if he heard my thoughts. Nope. Definitely German.

"Where did you guys want to go?" Scott asked.
"I heard Chickie's and Pete's is nice," Jessica suggested.

This was refreshing. I don't mind going to Pat's or Geno's, but that kind of seems hacky to do with people from out of town. Chickie' and Pete's it was.

We get a table in the bar at the restaurant. Leo says he'll be back and then directs his attention to me, "Take care of things in my stead." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean, but it sounds ominous. My head shakes uncontrollably as I try and shake my head "yes" and also throw it from side to side as if to say, "Huh?" Out of context, it probably just looked like a really mean impression on Michael J Fox. Leo left and Scott said he had to piss. He also departed the table.

The place wasn't packed but it had a good amount of people watching the Patriots play the Colts. Since The Eagles lost earlier in the day, the boos and cheers seemed half hearted and almost sarcastic behind us.

It occurred to me that Jessica was wearing a pair of glasses with NO glass in them. Not sunglasses (as it was 8:30 pm in South Philly - that doesn't go unnoticed). But actual reading glasses. This small addition made her look completely different and kept people from recognizing her. Our waitress came over and asked what we wanted to drink Scott wasn't back yet so we said we needed another minute. Tom Brady made a great pass on the TV and a fair amount of cheers went up throughout the bar. It was almost loud enough to drowned out the sound of glass breaking in the men's room. Julie looked over quickly, and Jessica took off her glass as if they were impeding her vision. "Oh shitballs," she said. I'll never forget it, because it sounded so weird coming from the actress. I never really liked "shitballs" any way. It was like taking 2 wonderfully meaningful curse words and smacking them together to make what sounded like a child's word. Like "fuck" and "dick." When would it ever be appropriate to put those two words together to form a compound word? I got out of my chair and headed for the bathroom, mostly out of fear of what Leo would do if I didn't.

I opened the door and the mirror over the sink was smashed. It spiderwebbed out from the center which seemed to have a blood mark, and the shape of a forehead in the middle. I'm not sure whose since Scott's head was bleeding, but so was the guy who was holding him from behind. Another guy, wearing a bloodied Colts jersey, was standing in front of Scott with a knife drawn. Scott looked at me when I walked in, "Now you're both fucked." I hated when Scott put this kind of pressure on me. We once fought 5 guys after leaving the set of "Brooklyn Rules." If it wasn't for Alec Baldwin and Leo showing up at the last minute, I'd hate to think of what the outcome would have been.

The dude with the knife came at me and I slipped on some water that had been spilled on the floor. As I wondered if it was urine, I reached out with my right hand (since my left arm was just now starting to get the feeling back) for something so I wouldn't fall. What I grabbed was this thugs arm. The one holding the knife. Somehow as I was spinning out of control I forced the knife he was weilding in to his leg. "Oh Shitballs!" Screamed the other guy. He loosened his grip on Scott, which was all Scott needed to throw an elbow in this dude's nose. The back of his head hit the exact same spot in the mirror. Scott ripped the Colts jersey from the stunned guy and kicked him in the balls sending him to the floor. With both guys down Scott and I darted from the bathroom. Julie and Jessica gathered there things and we made a beeline for the door. Just then Leo and the Limo driver pull up. We pile in and take off. "Anything exciting happen?" Leo asked. "Nothing we couldn't handle," Scott said as he punched me in my right shoulder bone.

Since the night was getting late, the Hollywood couple dropped us off at our car back at the Wachovia center. "I'm doing the balloon's at the parade of you guys wanna come up this year." I quickly made up and excuse about seeing family all day. Scott said they might blow off the parade and tag along with us then. I don't know if he was kidding or not...and likely won't until Thursday morning. We all hugged and they got back in the car. "It was good hanging out again," he said from the rolled down window. "Hey, next time lets do Pat's." The car drove away and I would have given him the finger, but I couldn't lift my right arm.

I never found out what started the fight in the men's room. But with Scott, nothing would have surprised me. Just like I wasn't surprised when I got home and a bloodied Colts jersey was on my front porch with a note which read, "May the force be with you." I stood in the cold night air reading this thinking, "What a fuckdick."

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Transformers 2

Yeah, this movie would have been better...

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I'm Rich - You're Not!

I'm RICH Bitches!

That's right, I guess I'll be moving up to the "High Life."

Please don't try and call me. If I wish to stay friends, I will call you...but let's be honest, I really should start hanging out with a more classier bunch of people (translattion: Other rich folks). Don't be angry, remember all of the good times we had at Denny's and taking day trips to the beach...I of course had that Denny's plowed over to make way for my NEW mansion! And I own the beach...please stay off it.

Things are gonna get good around here...for me any way! Suckers!

All because of this little email I just received:

A lump sum of (£891,934.00 GBP) have been credited to your E-mail
Address.Congrats...Confirm this receipt by contacting Mr Phil Herald.
+447031907814 on ( your Name:___ Address:___ Age:___
Sex:___ Occupation:___Tel/Fax:___Country

Update: I was of course kidding you guys wanna hang or or something? Also, does anyone know how to get rid of a computer virus?

Friday, June 26, 2009

R.I.P. Michael Jackson

Yesterday I started blogging again after a long hiatus...also Michael Jackson died...coincidence?

Thursday, June 25, 2009


China accuses Google of spreading pornography

Full story:

BEIJING (AP) - China accused Google Inc. on Thursday of spreading pornography after Chinese users were unable to connect to the search giant's Web site, while Washington called on Beijing to scrap its order for personal computers to be equipped with Internet-filtering software.