Friday, December 5, 2014

Goodbye...SORT OF

According to old wives, "A picture is worth a thousand words."
According to Google, "they ain't worth shit."

Last week, I was forced to update my android. The update (which I complained about on FB) completely merged ALL of my photos and killed the storage space on the phone. I was forced to delete an album of "posted" photos, because WHO needs them on my phone they are on my blog?

I haven't blogged since the update.

Today I clicked on my blog and found EVERY blog I have written since June 27th has had it's photos deleted. I'm a visual person, that means many of the posts are now pointless.

In deleting the photos from my phone, I was actually deleting them from Google, who owns blogspot & blogger & pretty much the rest of the world.

Unfortunately, there is no longer any point for me to continue with this blog. I sure as hell am not going to go back and edit 66 entries that I"m fairly certain no one ever read anyway.

I feel similar to how I felt when I accidentally deleted ALL of the photos on my hard drive (which, after a shitload of work, were eventually recovered).

I'm super pissed and attempted to delete my useless Google+ account, only to find it would also delete my YouTube account (guess who owns YouTube?), which means it would delete The Cheap Seats.

I'll be the guy talking to himself in the corner for the next few weeks. Fuck.

It's time I start my own website. This is ridiculous.

(edited: OK, first - THANKS to Brian Turner, I got all the photos back. second - THANKS to Adam Wahlberg I'll have my own site to blog from in the New Year. Until then, I stand by Fred Roger's sentiments)

Friday, November 21, 2014

Humpty Dumpty, Frosty the Snowman & Jesus

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Nowhere does it say, Humpty was an egg. In fact it makes almost NO sense that he IS an egg.

All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again.

Humpty Dumpty was originally published in 1797 in Samuel Arnold's Juvenile Amusements. The line originally read:

Fourscore men and fourscore more,
Could not make Humpty Dumpty where he was before.

Thus eliminating the fragile smashability of his egg-like being.

Perhaps you've heard this before, or perhaps this is the first time you have heard it. Either way, it's not really earth shattering...but this just might be:

Frosty The Snowman is NOT a Christmas Song!

Recently, I have been hearing a lot of people voicing their disapproval at this years particularly early "Christmas push." Decorations have been on sale since the end of September and commercials have been running since just before Halloween. Personally, this doesn't bother me but I have heard the ire of the people.

So I started paying closer attention.

I have noticed some wreaths, and even full on Christmas lights & reindeer at a local public facility. Then yesterday, as I drove into the corporate park I work at, I notice a big snowman. This was particularly funny, because one of the guys I work with voices his dismay towards the pre-Thanksgiving holiday push, LOUDLY.

I know he drives right by that snowman, so I pictured him being pissed first thing in the morning. But then it hit me...a snowman represents winter, not Christmas, which means, Frosty is NOT a Christmas song.

To confirm this, I listened to a version of Jimmy Durante singing the "carol" on my iPod (with ear buds to keep anyone within earshot from accusing me of a premature holiday ejaculation of sorts).

There are the lyrics:

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale they say
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around
Oh, Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be
And the children say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Over the hills of snow

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day
So he said
Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away
Down to the village
With a broomstick in his hand
Running here and there all
Around the square saying
Catch me if you can
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way
But he waved goodbye saying
Don't you cry
I'll be back again some day
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Look at Frosty go
Thumpity thump thump
Thumpity thump thump
Over the hills of snow

No mention of Christmas, whatsoever. The cartoon (narrated by Durrante), is where the idea of Christmas and Frosty being formed from "Christmas snow", originates. But rather, the song is a simple tale of a snowman who comes to life on any given day in the winter. Or, possibly the summer for that matter (if we're talking Northern Alaska or the Arctic region). No date is specified in the song.

I decided (because I can't help myself) to type the following into Google:

"Frosty the Snowman, an allegory for Christ."

Well, as is often the case with a Google search, I wasn't disappointed. I stumbled on a "Frosty the Snowman" forum (I shit you, not!). 

Frosty the Symbol (good one) posts the following:

Frosty is Jesus

Frosty comes into the world
Frosty does what he does
Frosty dies (melts away)
Frosty will "come back some day" (the foundation of Christianity - the faith/belief that Jesus will return)

"Frosty the Snowman" is a religious allegory

He then goes on to define "allegory," which might be the only insightful information he included in his post.

Robert Langdon (or someone who reads Dan Brown) broke the song down into the following algorithmic anagram:

Thumpetty thump thump,

Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow.

altitude cold weather training.

He further speculates that Frosty can run a 3:33 mile. Apparently Guinness hasn't updated their facts yet, since they currently have the fastest mile held by Hicham El Guerrouj at 3:43.13.

Silas (another user name) asks the question that immediately came to my mind, "what does the old silk hat they found" signify?

Americans Are Ignorant replied: I would like to point out that most Americans are too stupid to figure this out on their own. 
This was not very informative.

SMJO suggests "the old silk hat is the Shroud of Turin." 
Though it should be mentioned he cites neither his findings nor his credentials to make such an assertion. If he was merely looking to make a guess, he would have been better off trying "a thorn of crowns" for at least they are both head wear.

Al Gore Mind Control then pairs off either for or against Al Gore Super Mind Control (I couldn't tell what either person was attempting to argue).

But, without a doubt, my favorite was this gem from Sam W:

The silk hat represents the baptism by John the Baptist and the traffic cop is Pontius Pilate.

I know kid, I am weeping too.
Sam W even puts a link to a geocities website that is no longer being supported. I would have given my left snowball to have read the source material on this one.

In the end we'll just keep believing that Frosty The Snowman is a Christmas song and that Humpty Dumpty is an egg...wait...Christmas Eggs! 


Now we're on to something...

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


So, as we all know by now, getting a "pudding pop" from Bill Cosby is a terrible thing! 

Previously, it merely increased your chances of diabetes, but upon recent evidence, it's been revealed that it could result in both physical and mental anguish, as well as the potential for STDs and unwanted pregnancy.

Rape allegations that have surrounded the one time, prime-time family man, have finally stuck.

Time just put pout a timeline regarding allegations if you wanted more details.

BUT, I have it on good authority that many of Cosby's accomplices are being rounded up. Perhaps this goes deeper than previous imaged...

More to come...

Friday, November 14, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #50 Shamrock Shake! (#TBT)

#100DaysOfSelfies #50 Shamrock Shake! (#TBT)
This was an old one...

#100DaysOfSelfies #49 The Opening Goes In The Back.

#100DaysOfSelfies #49 The Opening Goes In The Back. ("Umm...I was just here for you to look at my foot... ")

#100DaysOfSelfies #48 Go NUTS for DONUTS!

#100DaysOfSelfies #48 Go NUTS for DONUTS!
Pookie ordering his CREAM FILLED lunch...

#100DaysOfSelfies #47 Bonesy

#100DaysOfSelfies #47 Bonesy
This is the guy Sergio, Trae & I set up at the end of a night shoot last week to scare Pookie whne he came into the office the next morning. His face was lit only with the red light from the exit sign...hope we didn't scare the overnight cleaning crew too much (oops!)

(I have been on numerous film shoots, and am behind all week...)

Sunday, November 9, 2014

Saturday, November 8, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #45 Chili & Gloryholes

#100DaysOfSelfies #45 Chili & Gloryholes
Card Against Humanity & Vegan Chili...YAY!

Friday, November 7, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #44 Taco. Birthday. This!

#100DaysOfSelfies #44 Taco. Birthday. This!
The one in the middle is a this counts!

#100DaysOfSelfies #43 My Sharp Wit.

#100DaysOfSelfies #43 My Sharp Wit.
It's how I won my coworkers over...

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #42 Hell

#100DaysOfSelfies #42 Hell.
My version of hell is Pumpkin Pie on your birthday...

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #41 Voting

#100DaysOfSelfies #41 Voting's a secret ballot.

I had to double check that I wrote "ballot" and not "ballet." It would have been partially accurate, as I DID dance in the booth when I voted. However, since I told you, it's no longer a secret.

Monday, November 3, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #40 Nighttime Shoot

#100DaysOfSelfies #40 Nighttime Shoot
With the fog machine... spooky, creepy

The LAVA Vote


According to ABC News: "A river of molten lava has oozed into a small Hawaiian town, covering the yard of two houses closest to the volcano." The reports continues, "The lava flow has been edging its way towards Pahoa."

The LA Times also reports on the unstoppable lava, that has been flowing from Kilauea volcano since the end of June. They show video of the lava flow, including a pond turning to steam once the 2100 degree lava hits that water source.

Now a tweet (which may or may not have any basis in factual evidence) has been found.

Kevin Regan@YourHeroKevin
Unstoppable Lava from Hawaii has reportedly gotten off a plane in New Jersey. Officials are now rounding up oven mitts to quarantining it.
 02:14 PM - 03 Nov 14
Both New Jersey state officials as well as Federal officials will comment on the plan to contain the "epidemic," once all of the ballots are accounted for in tomorrow's midterm elections. Until then, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE (except to vote...)

Thursday, October 30, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #37 Costumes?

#100DaysOfSelfies #37 Costumes? 
Remember when there was at least a little creativity behind "sexy Halloween costumes"?

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great) - REPOST


A few days ago, I was asked by a friend to write an article about "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for I wrote the following piece and it was deemed a bit "too rough" for the site. I then pursued, but since Halloween is a mere 12 hours away I have concluded there was almost NO chance this would see the light of day this year...unless I post it myself.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)
By Kevin Regan 

Close your eyes.
Think back to when you were a kid at Halloween.
Imagine watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown."
Now, keep your eyes closed.
Think back to when you were a kid in High School.
Imagine your first handjob?

QUESTION: Which was the better experience?
ANSWER: It's a trick question. They were both underwhelming.

"It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," was the third holiday special for Peanuts, the American comic strip written and illustrated by Charles M. Schultz. It first aired on CBS on October 27, 1966. It featured all of your favorite, and not so favorite, Peanuts characters (screw you Violet!).

Fucking bitch! That's hardcore bullying right there!
Schroeder, Pig Pen and some unnamed character, in a uniform lack of creativity, all decided to dress up as ghosts. Lucy, and shit bag Violet, also wore ghostly sheets and added plastic witch masks over top. The only one with any sense of originality is the show's constant "anti-hero," Charlie Brown. He is obviously dressed up as the various gloryholes found on the New Jersey turnpike. For all his efforts, the bald little fucker merely ends up with a sack full of rocks. Something that has bothered me deep into my adult life.

Linus opts to forgo the traditional activities of the holiday such as "tricks or treats" and going to prima donna Violet's exclusive party.  Instead he spends the night in a pumpkin patch, with a pretty girl, waiting for a mythical creature to arrive. Though he'll be thrice disappointed (first Sally abandons him, second The Great Pumpkin never arrives and third he'll no doubt be sick from spending the night outside until 4 in the morning) he never gives up hope, even telling his "follicly challenged" friend Charlie, that he's already planning for which "sincere" pumpkin patch to camp out in next year.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Kevin," (that's my name...says so on the byline)
"What does this have to do with a handjob?" 
Well (I don't know your name), let me explain.

When I asked you to think back to your first handjob, you did. You probably thought of who gave it to you. Where you were. You might even have remembered what song was playing. For me it was the Wayne's World soundtrack. And unless something peculiar happened, like your Mom walking in at the exact wrong moment (which could be ANY moment actually), you probably remembered it as being pretty damn exciting. I mean someone reached into your pants and started doing the thing that you yourself have been doing for years! It was awesome!!!

But was it? Was it really?

Sure the nostalgia was awesome. You were young. You had a full head of hair. Your whole future was ahead of you. Not to mention, Ballroom Blitz was blasting! But was the handjob really that good? Surely the technique wasn't up to the exact standards that you had set for yourself over the past few years while sitting alone in your bedroom hoping to God no one tested the lock on the door.

Remember how uncomfortable you felt the next day. "Was she trying to tear the damn thing off?" What I'm saying is, it hurt! You're just barely a teenager. You haven't learned about things like lubrication or the various dangers of friction - though this life lesson will surely be your jumping off point and Newton's Third Law seems FAR more important than the first two.

The fact is, we remember things a little more colorful than their reality.

"Fuck you, Regan!" (that's my last name) 
"I still love the Great Pumpkin. And I married the girl who gave me my first handjob!" 
GREAT! Cool. That's awesome man, seriously. I'm not saying you should hate the Great Pumpkin OR handjobs. I'm merely saying, let's admit the truth about these things. 

The Great Pumpkin, was good...but it wasn't great. 

The whole Snoopy vs The Red Baron thing was bizarre and went on TOO long. Sure it's 5 minutes (which is probably 4 minutes longer than you lasted for your first handjob - NAILED IT!) but that's a big deal on a piece with a mere 25 minute run time. Twenty percent of the Holiday Special feels like "filler." So much so, that even ABC decided to cut it when they took over airing the special in 2001. Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of Snoopy as a flying ace almost as much as I love the concept of a girl giving me a handy. It's just that the execution is off.

Also, I have ALWAYS had a hard time of getting past Lucy van Pelt and her behavior. Not just pulling the football away from Charlie Brown (a scene that ABC also saw need to cut for important commercial selling time). "Funny thing about this contract, it was never notarized." That maybe so, but breaking a written contract that isn't notarized still makes you a lying twat. But I think her more egregious behavior takes place while her innocent little brother is in the pumpkin patch full heartedly following his faith. She's out getting him candy. 

"Kevin Regan!" (Yep, full name! You're getting it!) 
"I think it's sweet, she gets candy for her brother." 
Really? This is how I know you aren't paying attention to the episode. Because right before she asks for "an extra piece of candy" for her brother, she is given like 9 fucking pieces! WHAT THE FUCK! Share that shit! She's going to get fat. Develop diabetes. And guess who is going to be the only person left to take care for her in her old age? You guessed it, Charlie Fucking Brown. They'll get together and have a loveless marriage that see's Lucy yanking on old Chuck's prick like she's pulling a football away, lubricant be damned!

OK. I might have gotten off point a bit here.

"Regan, you just don't like Peanuts or handjobs." 
I assure you, you couldn't be more wrong on both accounts. I just think the reality of our enjoyment has been overblown through time and a revisionist memory. Seriously, if you want to watch a perfect Peanuts story, watch "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown." That shit is more like your first blowjob! 

And a blowjob is ALWAYS awesome, even when "too much teeth" are used.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #36 Halloween Candy

#100DaysOfSelfies #36 Halloween Candy
Or Kristin Finger is coming to dinner

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #34 NO GELATIN!

#100DaysOfSelfies #34 NO GELATIN!
I found candy corns with NO GELATIN! That means they are basically heath food.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #33 Sex Clothes (AKA Hallowen Costumes)

#100DaysOfSelfies #33 Sex Clothes (AKA Halloween Costumes)
I know better than to buy these anymore...

I look so serious. I know sexy clothing is NO laughing matter.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #32 The Good Pumpkin

#100DaysOfSelfies #32 The Good Pumpkin
To Amy Martin, I guess there are SOME good pumpkiny things...(preferably when they taste NOTHING like pumpkin)

Friday, October 24, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #31 Leaves

#100DaysOfSelfies #31 Leaves.
I told Kit to rake these leaves.
I don't think she listened.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #30 Fight!

#100DaysOfSelfies #30 Fight!
Usually my goal is just to ambush Joe "Pookie" Pukatsch.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #29 MEbola!

#100DaysOfSelfies #29 MEbola!
Like Kevin Spacey in Outbreak, we're FUCKeD!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #28 Eleven Year Old Humor

#100DaysOfSelfies #28 Eleven Year Old Humor.
Pookie found a book at the book barn

Monday, October 20, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #27 Extra Gratuitous Self Promotion

#100DaysOfSelfies #27 Extra Gratuitous Self Promotion
Me watching an interview I did this weekend with Tamara Nolte regarding the Caption Contest she runs. 
You should do it. It's fun!

Oh, you didn't see the interview? Well it's right here:

Or you can link to it here: CLICK!

#100DaysOfSelfies #26 Veggie Family

#100DaysOfSelfies #26 Veggie Family 
We all had vegan food in Media.

#100DaysOfSelfies #25 House Staff

#100DaysOfSelfies #25 House Staff. 
How did these guys end up on house staff tonight?

...great shows! Come see ComedySportz (

#100DaysOfSelfies #24 Shitrow

#100DaysOfSelfies #24 Shitrow
It's all about choices...

(I'm a bit behind on this blog...but they went up on Instagram on the appropriate days - does that count?)

Friday, October 17, 2014

Some "Strange" Misinformation

There seems to be a lot of misinformation on just about every subject out there.

Whether it's opinion refuting scientific evidence or just "a gut feeling" in contrast to common sense, we've all been inundated with talk about Ebola (how quickly can/will it spread), ISIS (how quickly can/will it spread), or GMOs in the food we consume, like butter (how quickly can/will it spread).

It seems nothing has had more misinformation lately that comic book movies. 
COMIC BOOK movies?!? 
I know, scary, right?

Last week Iron Man 4 was confirmed. Then denied. Then confirmed. Then denied again.
Recasting for the 3rd Avengers movie was revealed. Then retracted (kind of...)
Spiderman coming back to Marvel Films...then not.
DC Comics laid out it's film agenda for the next half decade!

It seems anything you see or hear about Comic Book films at this point, is just Fanboy speculation, including the casting of Doctor Strange.

Who is Doctor Strange, you ask?

Doctor Stephen Vincent Strange is a Marvel comic book character created by the infamous Stan Lee & Steve Ditko. He is the Sorcerer Supreme. Think David Copperfield with less rape allegations.

Doctor Strange has been on the scene since debuting in 1963.

Not interested? Keep this in mind, if you're not a Comic Book fan, you likely never even heard of Iron Man until Robert Downey, Jr agreed to don the suit. So stop being so judgey!

Since this summer a ton of popular actors have been named as the front runners to play the good Doctor in the upcoming Marvel Film adapted from the comic. So many, that is seems almost ridiculous at this point:

Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey, fresh off his Academy Award win for Best Actor (Dallas Buyers Club) and his critical success in True Detective, would see to be a front runner in such a race.

Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling, has had great performances in recent films such as Drive & Blue Valentine, he might be a bit young, but he definitely has brooding down.

Ethan Hawke
Ethan Hawke, there's nothing genetically inferior about the star of Gattica, at 43 he might be perfect for the role of Strange.

Ewan McGregor
Ewan McGregor, no stranger to the world of GEEKDOM having already played Obi Wan in the much maligned Star Wars prequels, McGregor is all to aware of the wrath that the fans can reap on you.

Oscar Isaac
Oscar Isaac, though not quite the household name of his competition, perhaps that slight bit of anonymity is enough to help the Inside Llewyn Davis actor win the part.

Those are 5 solid names. BUT they aren't even the tip of the iceberg that is Hollywood Casting.

Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Darko himself has been discussed.

If that doesn't do it for you, how about Jordon Catalano?

Jared Leto
The ever dreamy, Jared Leto.

In a recent Reddit AMA session, even Neo expressed interest in taking the red pill.

Keanu Reeves

Other names suggested by Empire Online include:

1. Patrick Dempsey
2. Adrien Brody
3. Oded Fehr
4. Joseph Fiennes
5. Aiden Gillen
6. Liam Neeson
7. John Cusack
8. Viggo Mortensen
9. Matthew MacFadyen
10. Stephen Dorff

Meaning ANYONE is a potential candidate. Whoever is hot at the moment, is likely to be cast. So I have a suggestion...

Why not cast Ebola?

Hear me out:

From 1996-2001, Robert Downey, Jr was a public relations nightmare. He had numerous drug-related arrests and a quick look at IMDB shows his career was no longer much to talk of. 

He landed a steady gig in 2001 on Alli MacBeal, but it wasn't until 2005's Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that his critics started to come back around.

His run as Iron Man starting in 2008, cemented him back into the Hollywood elite... why not Ebola?

Though it is recently suspected by some that Ebola might have been what we now refer to as The Black Death, it first emerged in Sudan and Zaire in 1973. It was named after the Ebola River in Zaire (don't fucking swim in that shit!)

That first outbreak only effected 284 people (like an indie film!) then a couple months later a second outbreak occurred (strong word of mouth!) effecting 318 people. The mortality rate rose from 53% to 88%. Think of it as a kind of Rotten Tomato..but it's a REALLY fucking Rotten Tomato!

The virus would disappear (perhaps doing local theater) until it reemerged in Reston, VA in 1989. Though a few people were infected with EBOR (seroconverted), no one ever developed EHF or the Ebola hemorrhagic fever. This is tough to's like "box office points on the back end." No one really understands them, you just hope you don't end up bleeding from your asshole.

Ebola would have one more "pop" in 1994, but this was short lived, like a Fox television series.

And now it's back and already getting the STAR treatment with private jets taking it all around the world!

Perhaps we'll soon see it hanging off the arm of Paris Hilton, or another Hollywood Starlet.

I can't wait to see what it wears on the red carpet for opening night!