Thursday, April 29, 2010

Bald, Balding, Baldiest

Bald dudes get a bum wrap in our society.

People equate being bald to 2 things: skinheads and cancer patients.

Come on! Really? Isn’t there anything else. Isn’t there anyone COOL who can take up the cause of the bald or balding fellow? I guess I should say Fellette here too but, let’s face it, a bald chick is kind of hot. It immediately makes one think of other possible hairless areas.

Did you know in the history of the United States Presidency, only 5 were bald! John Adams, was fortunate enough to live in a time when it was fashionable for men to wear wigs, plus he had his own HBO mini series - the 20th century has yet to see a tranny wannabe in the White House. John Quincy Adams who, based on photos and what limited research I did (Wikipedia), clearly inherited his father’s follicle challenges AND his badass wig collection. Martin van Buren, like the two previous bald Presidents, he only served 1 term – I guess people didn’t like to re up these guys once they got a look at that “high shine.” James Garfield was bald…and assassinated. He only got to baldly serve his country for 200 days, many of which were spent in bed after being shot by the full headed Charles Julius Guiteau. Guiteau kept his hair buzzed close to his head, which many baldies see as a spiteful insult, “I can grow it, but I choose to do this.” And finally Dwight D. Eisenhower. Okay, I’ll admit Dwight kicked ass! But he was an infamous military leader. Perhaps he kept his hair cut short as many a soldier is known to do, I guess so bullets slip off of them or something

And I know there are some bad ass baldies out there. Kojack, Picard…Yul “Mother Effing” Brynner! Although he did change his name from Ûlij Borisovič Briner, you could say he was ashamed of being Russian…but perhaps it was the fact that he was forced to buy an awful lot of hats! The man was in The Kind and I! Do you think it wasn’t deliberate that Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II (both men of copious amounts of hair) cast a bald dude in a show that features a song called “I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair?”

Bald is beautiful?

Finasteride, which produces many products used to treat male pattern baldness (for example Propecia), is currently trading at $35.51 on the NYSE. Merck & Co, the company that owns Finasteride, made 27.4 billion in 2009. Sure, they deal in more then just hair rejuvenation, but 27.4 billion is a LOT of little hairs! So what is the cost of a treatment such as Propecia? I don’t mean fiduciary, I mean the possible side effects, because that’s how you know how desperate someone is. Well…1 to 18.5% of users experience impotence, 7% abnormal ejaculation (not sure what this means…does it glow in the dark, cause that’d be cool), 1 to 2.8% decreased ejaculatory volume, almost 3% abnormal sexual function (again, not sure if this mean a raging Bruce Banner like boner that rips through one’s pantaloons – again, quite a party trick), and my favorite 1.2% experience testicular pain. Quite a gamble to have something to run a comb through.

In December 2008, the Swedish Medical Products agency advised that the use of Propecia may result in irreversible sexual dysfunction. So you spent all that money to lure a girl into your sack and you can’t do anything once she’s there! Hell, just invest in a rag and some ether.

So anyone who wonders if it bothers me that I have 50% less hair then I did 5 years ago and 150% more hats in the same time, let me assure you that I take NO pills or other remedies to hold on to something that every one of us complains about if it’s in our food. Although I have been known to rip through a pair of khakis in my day!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Let's See How Long This Lasts...

I have fallen off when it comes to blogging. I used to love it. But lately I can’t get motivate enough to walk up the stairs and turn on the computer. Also, I have taken to spending time with my wife. I know. Crazy right? But when I want to commit every commuters soul to damnation because they all slowed down to witness a fender bender (which I assure you I didn’t even gaze upon), I just come home and tell my wife. She rolls her eyes and then outs small, almost tasteless amounts of arsenic in my dinner.

I also wonder if anyone really cares. Sure people will listen to your opinion when you have a party, because you have supplied beer and nachos (again, if prepared by previously mentioned wife, I’d watch yourself). It’s amazing the amount of rhetoric people will entertain if they are getting something free out of it. Hell, there is an entire holiday built around girls showing their privates for beads that you can buy at most party stores. But not only do you NOT get anything for free while reading someone’s blog, you give up something FREE. Your time (I was going to be clever and say “your free time,” however it occurs to me, most of you deadbeats will read this on your company’s time).

I do love reading people blogs (on company time). One of my favorite things to do is get angry and worked up over the opinions in a blog and think, “what kind of a moron would write this garbage!” Then I realize, I am reading my blog from a few years ago. I also like to get drunk and write a blog. When I read it later it’s like the story of the elves helping the old cobbler mend shoes. Only filled with a shit load of spelling errors and more than a few incoherent sentences…also, I still have holes in my shoes.

I do have more time to write now. I recently ended a web series that took up much of my time. And although I am in pre-production on another series, I have done things differently this time around. I brought on a bunch of talented people so I can steal their ideas and work a hell of a lot less!

So with that I hope to re enter the world of blogging. Or at least get one of these new writers to do it for me.