Thursday, April 29, 2010

Bald, Balding, Baldiest

Bald dudes get a bum wrap in our society.

People equate being bald to 2 things: skinheads and cancer patients.

Come on! Really? Isn’t there anything else. Isn’t there anyone COOL who can take up the cause of the bald or balding fellow? I guess I should say Fellette here too but, let’s face it, a bald chick is kind of hot. It immediately makes one think of other possible hairless areas.

Did you know in the history of the United States Presidency, only 5 were bald! John Adams, was fortunate enough to live in a time when it was fashionable for men to wear wigs, plus he had his own HBO mini series - the 20th century has yet to see a tranny wannabe in the White House. John Quincy Adams who, based on photos and what limited research I did (Wikipedia), clearly inherited his father’s follicle challenges AND his badass wig collection. Martin van Buren, like the two previous bald Presidents, he only served 1 term – I guess people didn’t like to re up these guys once they got a look at that “high shine.” James Garfield was bald…and assassinated. He only got to baldly serve his country for 200 days, many of which were spent in bed after being shot by the full headed Charles Julius Guiteau. Guiteau kept his hair buzzed close to his head, which many baldies see as a spiteful insult, “I can grow it, but I choose to do this.” And finally Dwight D. Eisenhower. Okay, I’ll admit Dwight kicked ass! But he was an infamous military leader. Perhaps he kept his hair cut short as many a soldier is known to do, I guess so bullets slip off of them or something

And I know there are some bad ass baldies out there. Kojack, Picard…Yul “Mother Effing” Brynner! Although he did change his name from Ûlij Borisovič Briner, you could say he was ashamed of being Russian…but perhaps it was the fact that he was forced to buy an awful lot of hats! The man was in The Kind and I! Do you think it wasn’t deliberate that Richard Rodgers and Oscar Hammerstein II (both men of copious amounts of hair) cast a bald dude in a show that features a song called “I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair?”

Bald is beautiful?

Finasteride, which produces many products used to treat male pattern baldness (for example Propecia), is currently trading at $35.51 on the NYSE. Merck & Co, the company that owns Finasteride, made 27.4 billion in 2009. Sure, they deal in more then just hair rejuvenation, but 27.4 billion is a LOT of little hairs! So what is the cost of a treatment such as Propecia? I don’t mean fiduciary, I mean the possible side effects, because that’s how you know how desperate someone is. Well…1 to 18.5% of users experience impotence, 7% abnormal ejaculation (not sure what this means…does it glow in the dark, cause that’d be cool), 1 to 2.8% decreased ejaculatory volume, almost 3% abnormal sexual function (again, not sure if this mean a raging Bruce Banner like boner that rips through one’s pantaloons – again, quite a party trick), and my favorite 1.2% experience testicular pain. Quite a gamble to have something to run a comb through.

In December 2008, the Swedish Medical Products agency advised that the use of Propecia may result in irreversible sexual dysfunction. So you spent all that money to lure a girl into your sack and you can’t do anything once she’s there! Hell, just invest in a rag and some ether.

So anyone who wonders if it bothers me that I have 50% less hair then I did 5 years ago and 150% more hats in the same time, let me assure you that I take NO pills or other remedies to hold on to something that every one of us complains about if it’s in our food. Although I have been known to rip through a pair of khakis in my day!

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