Sunday, May 15, 2011

F U Captcha! (from May 22, 2008)

This is a blog I wrote about 3 years ago.  I was rebelling against being active with Facebook.  Oh how the times change (this was written on MySpace).  Here it is completely unedited:
F U Captcha!

I am thinking of adding a captcha to my MySpace to weed out the Facebook addicts.
A lot of my friends ask me to join Facebook (which I have, but never use).  I hate it because you have 8 million messages saying "You've been bitten by a vampire."  It should say, "You are 12 fucking years old."  Don't get me wrong, I'm not proclaiming the mature sophistication of MySpace, but I don't need to find out what type of underwear I am (Aqua man underoos bitch!)
Lately however, My beloved Space has been getting this stupid comment more and more frequently:  "I just bought you as my pet, click here and find out how much you are worth."  I have a better idea, why don't I kick you in the cunt with my boots?  The answer, because I don't own boots…and you don't have a cunt…you are a computer.  Or is it a cunputer?  Interesting indeed.
Another thing that I find equal parts annoying and hilarious is when I use my film MySpace page ( join up bitches one and all), and the friend I request responds:  "Mike does not except filmmakers as friends."  What do we smell? Look, I went to Temple U for damn near a decade, I know some of us do smell…or as I like to say, some of "them" smell.  See how that works?  I bath quite regularly.  I do find it funny when a filmmaker such as the infamous Robert Rodriguez's MySpace page says he doesn't except filmmakers as friends.  What his MySpace page neglects to tell you is that he does leave his wife after becoming famous…just saying Umberto!  One at a time Bub!
I think we should start our own on line community where we do nothing at all.  It's like the real world.  We don't talk to people, but when we happen to come upon them after, say 4 years, we tell the same stupid stories and then try and remember if we have every seen them naked in Steve's hot tub (too specific?  It was Tim I was talking about).  If I started my own on line community, I would take the Space part from MySpace…and the Face part from Facebook.  But Face Space sounds retarded, so I would substitute the body part of ones "Face: for say…their "Cunt"…thus making "CuntSpace," or perhaps "MyCunt."  Either one would make for a rocking tee shirt that Tara could never read outloud.
PS – I had to add "underoos" to my spell check.  What was my spell check born in the late 80s?  Beh Hur!  Kerry, you know what I'm talking about.
 Ben Hur, Benson...what's the difference really?  They both kick ass!

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Osama Bin Laden's Obit

Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden, age 54, died May 1st, 2011 after a lengthy "illness," while surrounded by family & friends in his mansion in Islamaba. 
Ossie, as his friends called him, was an avid fisherman who enjoyed the comedy stylings of Gallagher.  At summer cook outs, he was known to pull out a sledge hammer and smash a watermelon while yelling "death to infidels."  
Bin Laden was many things, a father, a husband, a mass murdering terrorist, but his dream was to open a kosher deli.  He was in the process of getting the licenses required when he died from an infection caused by 244 bullets to the face, chest and privates area.
He is survived by his son Herbie, his plant Fernando & the hatred in the souls of many misguided youths.
Funeral Service:  is scheduled for Friday May 13th (bad luck there)
Burial: just thrown on the side of the road somewhere
Condolences: The family asks in lieu of flowers, donations be made to