Thursday, January 31, 2019

Advice to Donald Trump: "Don't Say A Word"

Where's the button that shuts down the government for a month?

While pleading his case, AKA grasping at straws, for his pointless WA11, current US President (under investigation) Donald J. Trump is getting blasted for repeatedly claiming "women have been discovered covered in duct tape" and "prayer rugs had been found by farmers near the Mexican border."

Of course neither of these tidbits were ascertained through the Intelligence Community, but rather through Trumps personal network of information, Netflix. More specifically while watching the 2015 film, Sicario on Netflix.

Ten bucks says he makes someone "sit" on the couch in front of him while he watches.
One hundred and fifty thousand bucks says he has Michael Cohen pay them not to tell his wife!

OK. I admit it, this is FAKE NEWS. Sicario is not actually on Netflix...which honestly, is some bullshit Netflix! After all, if you're going to raise my monthly charge AGAIN (Stranger Things Season 3 better be worth it!) the least you can do is stream the film that basically shut down the government for over a month!
Perhaps Trump has a Blu-Ray, DVD, digital download, or even a VHS. 
*Writer's Note: I checked after writing this, Sicario was never released on VHS. But maybe Trump taped over something he already had...perhaps a certain "Pee Tape."
(*Editor Note: That was typo that was supposed to read "Pee Wee Herman Tape")
(*Editor's Note Part II: Why didn't I just fix the typo you ask? Because it's not my fucking job to fix Kevin's mistakes!)
(*Editor's Note Part III: Oh! That is an editor's actual job? Who knew?)

Regardless of how he viewed it, people are up in arms over Trump dictating policy based on a movie he watched.

Here's the thing...he's not the first President to do this! I mean come on! Ronald Reagan basically had ALL of The Soviet Union standing in food lines when he damn near bankrupted the nation after a late night screening of Star Wars.
*Look it up, it's not entirely untrue.

He would have loved Jar long as Jar Jar didn't have AIDS.

On the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, President Barack Obama was unwinding after a long day and he found a VHS tape left over from the Bush Administration. Ironically, the video was also celebrating a 10 year anniversary that month, Don't Say A Word.

The movie starred Michael Douglas and Brittnay Murphy.

President Obama hated it so much, especially the creepy "I'll never tell..." scene with Murphy in the insane asylum, that Obama swore to bring down the movie.

Less than 2 weeks later, on 9/20/2011, Obama signed The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Act of 2010 (H.R. 2965, S. 4023)

Also, the VHS tape was recorded over with the final episode of All My Children on 9/23/2011. Most people have since forgotten about this film securing Obama's legacy in perpetuity. 

What a terrible punishment for the Obama girls.

Much to Barbara Bush's chagrin, her moments younger twin sister, Jenna always got to pick the movie night film for the Bush girl's birthday. Though the sisters had a joint Blockbuster account, their tastes in movies varied greatly. Jenna preferred comedies and lighthearted films. While Barbara like much darker, often times boring films. 

Thanksgiving 2003, newly 22 year old Jenna brought a copy of "Dude Where's My Car" to family movie night. 

Hoping to finally be taken seriously, Barbara brought along "Don't Say a Word." Her father President George W. Bush didn't even waste time on "eeny meenying" it. "Dude Where's My Car," went in the VCR, "Don't Say a Word" was discarded to the dustbin of history (along with some crumpled up papers where Dick Chaney was "spitballing" about how to "relieve" Bush of all that work).

What is that I see in the waste basket by the American Flag? Sorry Barbara.

One week later, clearly having "theft" from the fears of "a dude" having their car stolen on his mind, Bush speaks of the Identity Theft Legislation. Legislation which he'd sign into law a short time later (HR 1731). 

"And then..."
And then a whole bunch of war crimes, I guess.

"The truth really IS out there!"
                              - Bill Clinton
President William Jefferson Clinton was a fan of movies. More importantly, he was a fan of an invention his VP Al Gore came up with called The Internet.

After stumbling upon a Gillian Anderson geocities page filled with sexy photos, Clinton was hooked!

However, he needed more, and feared that a computer monopoly might inhibit the free market. Therefore, The United States vs Microsoft Corp. began. Ushering in a new age of the world wide web which includes such things as A place to find poorly doctored photographs...also

And George HW Bush...did things too (more war crimes, maybe)?

Why did they watch TV like this when there were only 3 channels? They knew they didn't need a different TV to watch each channel, right?

The point is...

...Fuck. I forget what my point was.
*(Editor's Note: Ya got me...)

I guess the point is, maybe listen to your Intelligence Agencies as opposed to whipping people into a frenzy over information that is inaccurate, AKA completely fictional.

When in doubt, just don't say a word...but don't WATCH "Don't Say a Word!"

Monday, January 21, 2019

"The Punch Up Podcast, Thanks For Listening"

Every episode begins with Steve (and once Jessie) saying, "Welcome to the Punch Up Podcast, thanks for listening..."

Almost 3 years ago, Steve Roney asked me to be part of The Punch Up Podcast.

Friday night, we performed/recorded our 100th and final episode. It has been an absolute pleasure to be part of this comedic journey.

My sincerest thanks to everyone who has ever agreed to be on the show including Dave Jadico, Alli Soowal, Kevin Dougherty, Mary Carpenter, Don Montrey, Jim Carpenter, Darryl Charles, Sean Curran, Kristin Finger, Sean Roach, Fred Siegel, Brian McCann, Joe Sabatino, Josh Rubinstein, David Dritsas, Danna Young, Chip Chantry, and Olivia Roth.

My undying gratitude to all of the people who lent technical support for live shows: Dave, Kristin, Don, Josh Holober-Ward, Andrea Kellner, Lauren "Blaze" Mehalik, Kathleen Sheehy, Emily Zargan, and especially Tim Scepansky, who hung in there with us for our Facebook live episode.

Also, a huge thanks to each and every person who has ever taken time out of their lives to listen to a single episode. There is so much you could do with your time, so choosing to listen to us talk about everything from making toy guns out of tampons, to selling Mummers albums in the freezing cold, makes us extremely grateful.

Finally, all of my love to my fellow podcasters Eoin O'Shea, Jessie Preisendorfer, and of course the hostest with the mostest, Steve Roney. What an honor to have been part of these 100 episodes with you three amazingly funny human beings. I don't know what's next, but look forward to all the laughs along the way as we figure it out.

"Now ring that bell..."

Tuesday, January 8, 2019


As I write this, the government has been shut down for 17 days, 6 hours, 49 minutes, and 11 seconds. So almost 15 days longer than Britney Spears marriage to Jason Alexander...

Not THAT Jason Alexander!


On Friday January 4th, Donald Trump addressed the flowers in the Rose Garden. Luckily, some reporters were on hand to document his crazed ramblings, including the following in regards to his mythical wall:

This is national security we’re talking about. We’re not talking about games. We’re talking about national security. This should have been done by all of the Presidents that preceded me. And they all know it. Some of them have told me that we should have done it.

So a few quick things.

First of all, before you think I have misquoted him in anyway. THIS excerpt was taken directly from the White House's own website.

Second, let's not speak so confidentially about there NOT being a "National Security" game. After all, there are a few.

There's Homeland, the board game. For when you have absolutely nothing else in your life.

There's the Homeland Defense: National Security Patrol video games for teens who have yet to discover that there's porn to be found on the computer.

And finally there's the original National Security game, Risk. A game about global domination appropriate for ages 10-Despot.

Third and lastly, the reason I brought you all here, is to discuss the last line in the quote above, in which Mr, Trump says, "Some of them have told me that we should have done it." Referring to the fact that some of "the Presidents that preceded me," have told Trump that their administration should have built a wall.

Here's the issue: When you refer to abstract things IN the abstract, they are pretty hard to fact check "We need a wall, believe me!" But when you refer to concrete things (get it, walls are made of concrete) in the abstract, they are rather easily researchable.

Presidents Carter, W. Bush, Clinton, and Obama have all commented, through spokespeople, that they NEVER discussed the wall with the current President.

President HW Bush couldn't be reached for comment, because he's dead.
Though those close to him revealed that in his failing health during the Trump Presidency ("failing health" and "Trump Presidency" are synonyms.),  HW and Trump never had any substantive conversations.

A few of the former Presidents, including Carter, have also included their opinions regarding the wall in the exact opposite of Trump's claim.

Which leads me to the following...does this man, who cares very little of history or facts at all, think that most people were once the President?

Or, and this is where I'm leaning, did he in fact talk to a man who used to be president, and also a client, Sy Sperling?

I mean...we KNOW they've had at least ONE conversation before. Perhaps in that conversation more than one thing "came to a head."

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

If Your First Name is an Adjective, Watch Your Ass!

Mean Gene Okerlund and Super Dave Osbourne both passed away today.

If your first name happens to be an adjective, watch your ass! 2019 looks to be a spiteful bitch!

Also, someone get Weird Al Yankovic to a secured location!


After this blog "went to press," Daryl Dragon, better known as "Captain" in the power duo, Captain and Tennille passed away. Similar to Mean Gene & Super Dave, Captain was 76 years old.

Two questions loom:

1. What is happening to 76 year olds?
2. Why would you drop the name Dragon to be called Captain.

Also, "Captain" isn't typically considered an adjective, unless you're a "captain of industry." Which, of course, Dragon was.