My Complex Feelings Towards Boba Fett

 

Back around the beginning of 1999, I wrote a piece about my strong dislike of the Star Wars character, Boba Fett. I say "piece," because this wasn't a blog post. In fact it was pre: Facebook Notes, Blogger, UJournal, MySpace, and even Friendster. I also say "piece" as it is quite the piece of shit. Even now I loathe much of my writing as soon as I write it. So you can imagine my feelings for something I wrote almost 25 years ago! BUT, I do like a few of the things I mentioned in it.

The gist of the piece was that it's okay for nerds to go against "popular nerd opinions." My unpopular opinion, was that Boba Fett was a one dimensional character, a "filler character" as I originally described him, who had achieved unwarranted hero worship. I went on to say:

I don’t see why everyone goes crazy for this guy (Boba Fett).  He’s a bounty hunter, but so is Luca Brasi from the Godfather.  I've never seen anyone carrying a Luca Brasi lunch box in my life.

(*A quick, modern Google search, which didn't exist in the 90s, yielded zero results of "Luca Brasi lunch boxes." So if you're looking for something unique for your Etsy store...)

I also debunk the belief that Boba Fett should be credited with the capture of Han Solo. 

Boba Fett does deliver Han Solo’s body, frozen in carbonite, to Jabba the Hutt.  However, he didn’t actually capture him.  Darth Vadar captured Solo, and if you really want to get literal Lando Calrissian actually captured his friend Han.  Nice friend.  Boba Fett was simply in the right place at the right time.

This remains true.

Back around 2009, when I was a co-host of the podcast "You've Got Geek on You," I even added that I will give Boba Fett due respect for standing toe to toe with Vader when he told him "He's of no use to me dead." But this diplomacy, while brave and admirable, doesn't really account for Hasbro pumping out a shit ton of action figures with his likeness. I mean, you don't have a figure of Llewellyn Thompson sitting on a shelf collecting dust, do you?

(*This Dennis Miller-esque reference also required "Googling")

I continued with this sound gem:

Valentine's Day is coming up...let's say you have your secretary call and order flowers for your wife, but you merely sign your name.  Should acne-covered kids in arcades across America wear t-shirts of you?

(*Remember arcades?)

You can see why I am cherry picking and NOT posting the whole "piece," right?

The intention of my original writing still holds true, it's okay to go against the popular culture opinions of the day. Fans LOVED Boba Fett, I didn't. Not until 20 years later when another fan, named Dave Filoni, came along and gave a back story and dimension to this previously flat character in The Clone Wars cartoon. I loved the backstory and emotional motivation that was brought to the young Boba Fett. I cheered when he showed up in The Mandalorian. And now, I am enjoying the hell out of the deeper exploration of the character in "The Book of Boba Fett" series. Yet, ironically, many of those original Fett fans are starting to level their hatred towards the series, ostensibly for the same reasons I love it.

I'll keep watching. I'll keep being opinionated. And I'll keep looking for those Luca Brasi lunch boxes.

Advice to Donald Trump: "Don't Say A Word"

Where's the button that shuts down the government for a month?

While pleading his case, AKA grasping at straws, for his pointless WA11, current US President (under investigation) Donald J. Trump is getting blasted for repeatedly claiming "women have been discovered covered in duct tape" and "prayer rugs had been found by farmers near the Mexican border."

Of course neither of these tidbits were ascertained through the Intelligence Community, but rather through Trumps personal network of information, Netflix. More specifically while watching the 2015 film, Sicario on Netflix.

Ten bucks says he makes someone "sit" on the couch in front of him while he watches.
One hundred and fifty thousand bucks says he has Michael Cohen pay them not to tell his wife!

OK. I admit it, this is FAKE NEWS. Sicario is not actually on Netflix...which honestly, is some bullshit Netflix! After all, if you're going to raise my monthly charge AGAIN (Stranger Things Season 3 better be worth it!) the least you can do is stream the film that basically shut down the government for over a month!
Perhaps Trump has a Blu-Ray, DVD, digital download, or even a VHS. 
*Writer's Note: I checked after writing this, Sicario was never released on VHS. But maybe Trump taped over something he already had...perhaps a certain "Pee Tape."
(*Editor Note: That was typo that was supposed to read "Pee Wee Herman Tape")
(*Editor's Note Part II: Why didn't I just fix the typo you ask? Because it's not my fucking job to fix Kevin's mistakes!)
(*Editor's Note Part III: Oh! That is an editor's actual job? Who knew?)

Regardless of how he viewed it, people are up in arms over Trump dictating policy based on a movie he watched.

Here's the thing...he's not the first President to do this! I mean come on! Ronald Reagan basically had ALL of The Soviet Union standing in food lines when he damn near bankrupted the nation after a late night screening of Star Wars.
*Look it up, it's not entirely untrue.

He would have loved Jar Jar...as long as Jar Jar didn't have AIDS.

On the 10 year anniversary of 9/11, President Barack Obama was unwinding after a long day and he found a VHS tape left over from the Bush Administration. Ironically, the video was also celebrating a 10 year anniversary that month, Don't Say A Word.

The movie starred Michael Douglas and Brittnay Murphy.

President Obama hated it so much, especially the creepy "I'll never tell..." scene with Murphy in the insane asylum, that Obama swore to bring down the movie.

Less than 2 weeks later, on 9/20/2011, Obama signed The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Repeal Act of 2010 (H.R. 2965, S. 4023)

Also, the VHS tape was recorded over with the final episode of All My Children on 9/23/2011. Most people have since forgotten about this film securing Obama's legacy in perpetuity. 

What a terrible punishment for the Obama girls.

Much to Barbara Bush's chagrin, her moments younger twin sister, Jenna always got to pick the movie night film for the Bush girl's birthday. Though the sisters had a joint Blockbuster account, their tastes in movies varied greatly. Jenna preferred comedies and lighthearted films. While Barbara like much darker, often times boring films. 

Thanksgiving 2003, newly 22 year old Jenna brought a copy of "Dude Where's My Car" to family movie night. 

Hoping to finally be taken seriously, Barbara brought along "Don't Say a Word." Her father President George W. Bush didn't even waste time on "eeny meenying" it. "Dude Where's My Car," went in the VCR, "Don't Say a Word" was discarded to the dustbin of history (along with some crumpled up papers where Dick Chaney was "spitballing" about how to "relieve" Bush of all that work).

What is that I see in the waste basket by the American Flag? Sorry Barbara.

One week later, clearly having "theft" from the fears of "a dude" having their car stolen on his mind, Bush speaks of the Identity Theft Legislation. Legislation which he'd sign into law a short time later (HR 1731). 

"And then..."
And then a whole bunch of war crimes, I guess.

"The truth really IS out there!"

                              - Bill Clinton

President William Jefferson Clinton was a fan of movies. More importantly, he was a fan of an invention his VP Al Gore came up with called The Internet.

After stumbling upon a Gillian Anderson geocities page filled with sexy photos, Clinton was hooked!

However, he needed more, and feared that a computer monopoly might inhibit the free market. Therefore, The United States vs Microsoft Corp. began. Ushering in a new age of the world wide web which includes such things as Pornhub.com. A place to find poorly doctored photographs...also Blogger.com.

And George HW Bush...did things too (more war crimes, maybe)?

Why did they watch TV like this when there were only 3 channels? They knew they didn't need a different TV to watch each channel, right?

The point is...

...Fuck. I forget what my point was.
*(Editor's Note: Ya got me...)

I guess the point is, maybe listen to your Intelligence Agencies as opposed to whipping people into a frenzy over information that is inaccurate, AKA completely fictional.

When in doubt, just don't say a word...but don't WATCH "Don't Say a Word!"

FREE GRILL!

This week my dryer died, so my wife and I were forced to purchase a new one. After a lot of research, we settled on a Maytag model from Lowe's that is highly rated by Consumer Reports.

It also had an inordinate amount of positive feedback from it's buyers, with only a couple of grumpy exceptions, such as, "Have fun running your dryer two or three times to get things dry."
This didn't bother me, as I often had to run my old dryer multiple times for optimum dryness. So far, that has not been the case with this one.

But that's not the point.

The point is I got an email yesterday from Lowe's which read:

Dear Kevin,

Congratulations! Your recent purchase on Lowes.com during our MyLowe’s 10% off sitewide promotion has qualified you to receive one free charcoal Google Home Mini*!

Like everyone else I immediate thought two things:

1.) Where's the catch? Because nothing is free.
2.) What the hell is a charcoal mini?

I assumed we were talking about some sort of charcoal grill.

VEGAN CHALLENGE COMPLETED:
Find a photo of a grill that doesn't have meat on it
(Don't zoom in...it probably does)

But what stumped me was the "Google" part.

Does Google make a charcoal grill? I mean, they make everything else, so a grill doesn't seem completely out of the realm of possibility.

But what would a high tech grill look like?

Something like this, perhaps?
But this sure as hell isn't Google.

Or would it just be an update to an already existing product?

The Foreman Grill: Lobot Edition is on sale May 4th ONLY!!!

Odds are it would be a CRAZY high tech grill, most of which's functions I'll never truly understand.

Are those Ghost People? Did Google invent Ghost People?!?

It turns out it's not a grill at all, but rather a speaker which happens to be charcoal. Not sure why they needed to make a big deal out of the color.

So the next party I have, I'll be blasting my music through this bad boy that I got for free!

Though I won't play the music too loud, as we all know what happens when you try to have a good time and some asshole has to make a bid deal out of color.

BBQ Becky: "Hi, my name is Becky.
Can I get that speaker in white?
Like REALLY white?
I only want it to be able to play
Lee Greenwood music."

The Angst of Collecting Things

A while back, I made peace with my inner John Lennon and stopped collecting "things."
Toys, Comic Books, you name it...

There were various reasons:
To save money...
Because of limited storage space...
Because they made me tense...

"How could they make you tense, Kevin?"

Well, I'll give you an example:
(NOTE: I apologize if I have already blogged about this. I previously wrote a draft but am fairly certain I deleted it before ever posting it).

On Thursday July 30, 2009, my friend Kerry and I went to a Blue Rocks baseball game. They are the Kansas City Royals minor league team located in Wilmington, DE. On this particular night, the Blue Rocks were holding a promotion in which they gave away Bobble heads of Vice President (and Delaware's #1 resident) Joe Biden. We got to the game early, but unfortunately, we didn't realize every registered voter would be in line before us to get this keepsake. With a limit of 1,000 Bobble heads, they were out of "Amtrak" Joe before we got one. 

I recently saw a listing of the Bobble head from the night sold on Ebay for a reasonable $24.99. Not a terrible price if it's a must have for your collection.

The fact that I shed the obsession of collecting things helped me enjoy events I went to.

I no longer had to worry about getting to said event 3 hours early.
I no longer had to worry, once at said event, that my newly acquired trinket might be damaged in some way.
I no longer had to worry about not enjoying said event, because my mind was completely preoccupied with my newly acquired trinket and it's well being.

Fast forward to 2016.

My daughter recently revealed a fondness for Pez dispensers. Sure, at 2 and a half, she's probably more interested in the tiny pieces of block sugar than a dispenser of Daffy Duck, but it hasn't kept me from buying her everyone I see.

I feel no pressure to buy them. If a store doesn't have what I'm looking for, I'm not overly concerned. I figure, "Well, I'll find it eventually..or I won't and she won't care."

We even gave her ALL of the dispensers I'd bought for Julie over the years (that was my go to gift when we first started dating...or a cactus when I was a prick - that's a different story). Julie and I talked about this before giving them to her...I don't want you to think I re gifted presents I had originally bought for my wife (but let's be honest, she could careless about the block of sugar OR Daffy Duck).

The only dispensers I haven't given her are my Elvis Pez dispensers, but those babies may be worth some money!

What I'm saying is...there's a good chance I am encouraging the same "collecting" behaviors in my daughter that I fought so hard to overcome. And though I've kicked the habit, sometimes it rears it's ugly head...

Thursday July 21, 2016 (what is it with Thursdays in July?)

The Philadelphia Phillies are hosting their Star Wars night.
I organized a huge group of ComedySportz players to see the game.

This was an exciting night for various reasons, but not least of which was I'd get to see my buddy Jon, who was in town from Indiana, and finally meet his lovely bride.
My mom took Kit (and her Pez dispensers) while Julie and I went to the game.
About an hour before I left work, my buddy Shaun (a ComedySportz player, who bought his seat aside from the rest of the players) asked if I was getting a Phillie Phanatic Bobble head.
WHAT?
This sounds great:

The Bobble head is SOLD OUT?
NO! YOU PHILLIES SOLD OUT!

Well of course I'd get one. If they're "give aways." We'd ALL get one!
"You need a special ticket," Shaun said.
"What the fuck is this Willy Wonka 'Special Ticket' bullshit?" I asked my computer screen.
(Shaun and I were talking over G-chat).
Apparently, this is the new thing at sporting events. You have to buy a "Special Ticket" that gets you the "give away."

First thing: YES, those "Special Tickets" are more expensive than "regular" tickets.
Thus making it less of a "Give Away" and more of a "Give Me Your Fucking Money If You Want This Thing."

Second thing: WHAT THE HELL?!?
How the hell is this a thing? I have to have a special ticket WHICH I have to pay extra money for? What ever happened to getting to the game early as an incentive to root my team on from the first pitch?
(Obviously their playing isn't enough of an incentive these days - Phillies are 56-63 as of this writing)

I worked retail for 15 years.
(If you're a frequent reader, you've heard me talk/complain about that many times before)
On Black Friday, door busters were used to get people to come shop early, which also allowed you to staff your store appropriately.
If someone called and said, "Can you put aside a copy of Napoleon Dynamite on DVD for $5.00, I'll be in to pick it up in 3 hours." We'd simply tell them, "Sorry, I can't do that as the sale ends at 9:00 a.m." As opposed to FUCK YOU ASSHOLE, I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 4:30 THIS MORNING!

"I'll just stroll into the game around the 4th inning, and pick up my Bobble head." This is not a fan! Truthfully, this is neither a fan of The Phillies nor Star Wars. Phillies fans are there for the announcement of the starting line up. And Star Wars fans line up DAYS before things like this to make sure they get them.

What's worse is that one of the Phillie Phanatic Bobbleheads is listed on Ebay right now for $159.00! AND it's the last one in a set of 9 that the seller is bilking people for. This isn't someone who is a fan of the Phillies or Star Wars, this is someone who is a fan of money. Where's the fandom in that?

DAMMIT! See how quickly I fall back into it?

My hope is my daughter will collect things like Pez dispensers because she enjoys it, not because she hopes to cash in one day. The best way I can encourage it is to give her my Elvis Pez dispensers when I get home. But I might keep the "Vegas" Elvis one...just in case.

RIP Sheev 10/14/2014

Yesterday on The Star Wars Underground website it was announced that Emperor Palpatine's first name will FINALLY be revealed in James Luceno's upcoming Star Wars novel, Tarkin (out November 4th, the day before my birthday - "remember, remember...")

The name on page 93 will be...Sheev (I probably should have warned that this is a spoiler, but it's already in the title of this blog, so...)

There you have it.

Not really earth shattering news is it?

Well, not to you or me...but it sure is to Kevin Heffernan. You might know Heffernan from his role of Rodney Farva in Super Troopers and the upcoming Super Troops 2. Or as Officer Don Burton in Workaholics. Or possible as SHEEV from the Dukes of Hazzard movie:

Today, 10/15/2014, when you "GOOGLE" the name SHEEV, the first image that comes up is Heffernan's character from the 2005 remake of The Dukes of Hazzard...that surely won't last much longer. No matter how much warning Sheev gives about the "conspiring dark forces," his end is near and it'll take more than an armadillo helmet to keep him safe from The Empire in a County Far Far Away.

YAY HAW!

"I Have A Bad Feeling About This..."

Ilya Bryzgalov has adopted a kick ass theme to his goalie mask for the Philadelphia Flyers, Star Wars!  And none of that Jar Jar Binks shit either.  We're talking Vader, the Millennium Falcon, R2Ds and Yoda!  There's even at tie fighter dog fight on the front, giving the mask a better storyline than Episodes I, II and III!  

However, Star Wars Geeks are already taking issue with one misstep on the helmet.  It seems Yoda is rocking a red saber, the color traditionally used by The Sith.  

Honestly, if it would help the Flyers offense start scoring goals like "bullseyeing wamp rats back home," I'd be fine with everything short of Aunt Beru singing America The Beautiful before dropping the puck!

Philadelphia..."You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.”
-I mean that in a good way!