Thursday, October 30, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #37 Costumes?

#100DaysOfSelfies #37 Costumes? 
Remember when there was at least a little creativity behind "sexy Halloween costumes"?

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great) - REPOST


A few days ago, I was asked by a friend to write an article about "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for I wrote the following piece and it was deemed a bit "too rough" for the site. I then pursued, but since Halloween is a mere 12 hours away I have concluded there was almost NO chance this would see the light of day this year...unless I post it myself.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)
By Kevin Regan 

Close your eyes.
Think back to when you were a kid at Halloween.
Imagine watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown."
Now, keep your eyes closed.
Think back to when you were a kid in High School.
Imagine your first handjob?

QUESTION: Which was the better experience?
ANSWER: It's a trick question. They were both underwhelming.

"It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," was the third holiday special for Peanuts, the American comic strip written and illustrated by Charles M. Schultz. It first aired on CBS on October 27, 1966. It featured all of your favorite, and not so favorite, Peanuts characters (screw you Violet!).

Fucking bitch! That's hardcore bullying right there!
Schroeder, Pig Pen and some unnamed character, in a uniform lack of creativity, all decided to dress up as ghosts. Lucy, and shit bag Violet, also wore ghostly sheets and added plastic witch masks over top. The only one with any sense of originality is the show's constant "anti-hero," Charlie Brown. He is obviously dressed up as the various gloryholes found on the New Jersey turnpike. For all his efforts, the bald little fucker merely ends up with a sack full of rocks. Something that has bothered me deep into my adult life.

Linus opts to forgo the traditional activities of the holiday such as "tricks or treats" and going to prima donna Violet's exclusive party.  Instead he spends the night in a pumpkin patch, with a pretty girl, waiting for a mythical creature to arrive. Though he'll be thrice disappointed (first Sally abandons him, second The Great Pumpkin never arrives and third he'll no doubt be sick from spending the night outside until 4 in the morning) he never gives up hope, even telling his "follicly challenged" friend Charlie, that he's already planning for which "sincere" pumpkin patch to camp out in next year.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Kevin," (that's my name...says so on the byline)
"What does this have to do with a handjob?" 
Well (I don't know your name), let me explain.

When I asked you to think back to your first handjob, you did. You probably thought of who gave it to you. Where you were. You might even have remembered what song was playing. For me it was the Wayne's World soundtrack. And unless something peculiar happened, like your Mom walking in at the exact wrong moment (which could be ANY moment actually), you probably remembered it as being pretty damn exciting. I mean someone reached into your pants and started doing the thing that you yourself have been doing for years! It was awesome!!!

But was it? Was it really?

Sure the nostalgia was awesome. You were young. You had a full head of hair. Your whole future was ahead of you. Not to mention, Ballroom Blitz was blasting! But was the handjob really that good? Surely the technique wasn't up to the exact standards that you had set for yourself over the past few years while sitting alone in your bedroom hoping to God no one tested the lock on the door.

Remember how uncomfortable you felt the next day. "Was she trying to tear the damn thing off?" What I'm saying is, it hurt! You're just barely a teenager. You haven't learned about things like lubrication or the various dangers of friction - though this life lesson will surely be your jumping off point and Newton's Third Law seems FAR more important than the first two.

The fact is, we remember things a little more colorful than their reality.

"Fuck you, Regan!" (that's my last name) 
"I still love the Great Pumpkin. And I married the girl who gave me my first handjob!" 
GREAT! Cool. That's awesome man, seriously. I'm not saying you should hate the Great Pumpkin OR handjobs. I'm merely saying, let's admit the truth about these things. 

The Great Pumpkin, was good...but it wasn't great. 

The whole Snoopy vs The Red Baron thing was bizarre and went on TOO long. Sure it's 5 minutes (which is probably 4 minutes longer than you lasted for your first handjob - NAILED IT!) but that's a big deal on a piece with a mere 25 minute run time. Twenty percent of the Holiday Special feels like "filler." So much so, that even ABC decided to cut it when they took over airing the special in 2001. Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of Snoopy as a flying ace almost as much as I love the concept of a girl giving me a handy. It's just that the execution is off.

Also, I have ALWAYS had a hard time of getting past Lucy van Pelt and her behavior. Not just pulling the football away from Charlie Brown (a scene that ABC also saw need to cut for important commercial selling time). "Funny thing about this contract, it was never notarized." That maybe so, but breaking a written contract that isn't notarized still makes you a lying twat. But I think her more egregious behavior takes place while her innocent little brother is in the pumpkin patch full heartedly following his faith. She's out getting him candy. 

"Kevin Regan!" (Yep, full name! You're getting it!) 
"I think it's sweet, she gets candy for her brother." 
Really? This is how I know you aren't paying attention to the episode. Because right before she asks for "an extra piece of candy" for her brother, she is given like 9 fucking pieces! WHAT THE FUCK! Share that shit! She's going to get fat. Develop diabetes. And guess who is going to be the only person left to take care for her in her old age? You guessed it, Charlie Fucking Brown. They'll get together and have a loveless marriage that see's Lucy yanking on old Chuck's prick like she's pulling a football away, lubricant be damned!

OK. I might have gotten off point a bit here.

"Regan, you just don't like Peanuts or handjobs." 
I assure you, you couldn't be more wrong on both accounts. I just think the reality of our enjoyment has been overblown through time and a revisionist memory. Seriously, if you want to watch a perfect Peanuts story, watch "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown." That shit is more like your first blowjob! 

And a blowjob is ALWAYS awesome, even when "too much teeth" are used.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #36 Halloween Candy

#100DaysOfSelfies #36 Halloween Candy
Or Kristin Finger is coming to dinner

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Monday, October 27, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #34 NO GELATIN!

#100DaysOfSelfies #34 NO GELATIN!
I found candy corns with NO GELATIN! That means they are basically heath food.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #33 Sex Clothes (AKA Hallowen Costumes)

#100DaysOfSelfies #33 Sex Clothes (AKA Halloween Costumes)
I know better than to buy these anymore...

I look so serious. I know sexy clothing is NO laughing matter.

Saturday, October 25, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #32 The Good Pumpkin

#100DaysOfSelfies #32 The Good Pumpkin
To Amy Martin, I guess there are SOME good pumpkiny things...(preferably when they taste NOTHING like pumpkin)

Friday, October 24, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #31 Leaves

#100DaysOfSelfies #31 Leaves.
I told Kit to rake these leaves.
I don't think she listened.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #30 Fight!

#100DaysOfSelfies #30 Fight!
Usually my goal is just to ambush Joe "Pookie" Pukatsch.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #29 MEbola!

#100DaysOfSelfies #29 MEbola!
Like Kevin Spacey in Outbreak, we're FUCKeD!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #28 Eleven Year Old Humor

#100DaysOfSelfies #28 Eleven Year Old Humor.
Pookie found a book at the book barn

Monday, October 20, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #27 Extra Gratuitous Self Promotion

#100DaysOfSelfies #27 Extra Gratuitous Self Promotion
Me watching an interview I did this weekend with Tamara Nolte regarding the Caption Contest she runs. 
You should do it. It's fun!

Oh, you didn't see the interview? Well it's right here:

Or you can link to it here: CLICK!

#100DaysOfSelfies #26 Veggie Family

#100DaysOfSelfies #26 Veggie Family 
We all had vegan food in Media.

#100DaysOfSelfies #25 House Staff

#100DaysOfSelfies #25 House Staff. 
How did these guys end up on house staff tonight?

...great shows! Come see ComedySportz (

#100DaysOfSelfies #24 Shitrow

#100DaysOfSelfies #24 Shitrow
It's all about choices...

(I'm a bit behind on this blog...but they went up on Instagram on the appropriate days - does that count?)

Friday, October 17, 2014

Some "Strange" Misinformation

There seems to be a lot of misinformation on just about every subject out there.

Whether it's opinion refuting scientific evidence or just "a gut feeling" in contrast to common sense, we've all been inundated with talk about Ebola (how quickly can/will it spread), ISIS (how quickly can/will it spread), or GMOs in the food we consume, like butter (how quickly can/will it spread).

It seems nothing has had more misinformation lately that comic book movies. 
COMIC BOOK movies?!? 
I know, scary, right?

Last week Iron Man 4 was confirmed. Then denied. Then confirmed. Then denied again.
Recasting for the 3rd Avengers movie was revealed. Then retracted (kind of...)
Spiderman coming back to Marvel Films...then not.
DC Comics laid out it's film agenda for the next half decade!

It seems anything you see or hear about Comic Book films at this point, is just Fanboy speculation, including the casting of Doctor Strange.

Who is Doctor Strange, you ask?

Doctor Stephen Vincent Strange is a Marvel comic book character created by the infamous Stan Lee & Steve Ditko. He is the Sorcerer Supreme. Think David Copperfield with less rape allegations.

Doctor Strange has been on the scene since debuting in 1963.

Not interested? Keep this in mind, if you're not a Comic Book fan, you likely never even heard of Iron Man until Robert Downey, Jr agreed to don the suit. So stop being so judgey!

Since this summer a ton of popular actors have been named as the front runners to play the good Doctor in the upcoming Marvel Film adapted from the comic. So many, that is seems almost ridiculous at this point:

Matthew McConaughey
Matthew McConaughey, fresh off his Academy Award win for Best Actor (Dallas Buyers Club) and his critical success in True Detective, would see to be a front runner in such a race.

Ryan Gosling
Ryan Gosling, has had great performances in recent films such as Drive & Blue Valentine, he might be a bit young, but he definitely has brooding down.

Ethan Hawke
Ethan Hawke, there's nothing genetically inferior about the star of Gattica, at 43 he might be perfect for the role of Strange.

Ewan McGregor
Ewan McGregor, no stranger to the world of GEEKDOM having already played Obi Wan in the much maligned Star Wars prequels, McGregor is all to aware of the wrath that the fans can reap on you.

Oscar Isaac
Oscar Isaac, though not quite the household name of his competition, perhaps that slight bit of anonymity is enough to help the Inside Llewyn Davis actor win the part.

Those are 5 solid names. BUT they aren't even the tip of the iceberg that is Hollywood Casting.

Jake Gyllenhaal
Jake Gyllenhaal, Donnie Darko himself has been discussed.

If that doesn't do it for you, how about Jordon Catalano?

Jared Leto
The ever dreamy, Jared Leto.

In a recent Reddit AMA session, even Neo expressed interest in taking the red pill.

Keanu Reeves

Other names suggested by Empire Online include:

1. Patrick Dempsey
2. Adrien Brody
3. Oded Fehr
4. Joseph Fiennes
5. Aiden Gillen
6. Liam Neeson
7. John Cusack
8. Viggo Mortensen
9. Matthew MacFadyen
10. Stephen Dorff

Meaning ANYONE is a potential candidate. Whoever is hot at the moment, is likely to be cast. So I have a suggestion...

Why not cast Ebola?

Hear me out:

From 1996-2001, Robert Downey, Jr was a public relations nightmare. He had numerous drug-related arrests and a quick look at IMDB shows his career was no longer much to talk of. 

He landed a steady gig in 2001 on Alli MacBeal, but it wasn't until 2005's Kiss Kiss Bang Bang that his critics started to come back around.

His run as Iron Man starting in 2008, cemented him back into the Hollywood elite... why not Ebola?

Though it is recently suspected by some that Ebola might have been what we now refer to as The Black Death, it first emerged in Sudan and Zaire in 1973. It was named after the Ebola River in Zaire (don't fucking swim in that shit!)

That first outbreak only effected 284 people (like an indie film!) then a couple months later a second outbreak occurred (strong word of mouth!) effecting 318 people. The mortality rate rose from 53% to 88%. Think of it as a kind of Rotten Tomato..but it's a REALLY fucking Rotten Tomato!

The virus would disappear (perhaps doing local theater) until it reemerged in Reston, VA in 1989. Though a few people were infected with EBOR (seroconverted), no one ever developed EHF or the Ebola hemorrhagic fever. This is tough to's like "box office points on the back end." No one really understands them, you just hope you don't end up bleeding from your asshole.

Ebola would have one more "pop" in 1994, but this was short lived, like a Fox television series.

And now it's back and already getting the STAR treatment with private jets taking it all around the world!

Perhaps we'll soon see it hanging off the arm of Paris Hilton, or another Hollywood Starlet.

I can't wait to see what it wears on the red carpet for opening night!

Thursday, October 16, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #23 Riding The Bull (video)

#100DaysOfSelfies #23 Riding The Bull (video)
Still a selfie! AND still sore...

A "Well" Regulated Militia

Cinderella's Wishing Well can be found in the Magic Kingdom at Walt Disney World in Orlando, FL. 

"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."


Perhaps the language our forefathers used in crafting the often disputed 2nd amendment to our Constitution, is actually in riddle form. We have taken "a well regulated militia," to mean "a militia who is regulated in a manner we consider 'well'." However WHO, or more to the point WHAT, is doing said "regulating?"

I submit, that the regulation is to be done BY an actual well...a wishing well to be specific. 

"I wish that my kids could go to school without fear of being shot."
-A concerned parent with a "3 Day Disney" pass.

So everyone head over to Priceline to book your Disney trip and save your children's lives!


Guess what guys? There's a loophole. 
The Disney GUN loophole.

Donald about to blow off Chip & Dale's nuts.
For about 90 years starting in 1905 a small arms manufacturer (mostly hand guns and sub-machineguns) named Star Bonifacio Echeverria, S.A. was in operation in the Basque region of Spain.

"Star guns," as they were known, produced handguns similar in style to the Colt with a slide similar to that of the Italian Beretta.

Just looking at this photo made my penis grow a 1/4 inch longer.

So far, your wish is safe and secure...unless:

The little green dude will start singing after the other little green dude in the Geico Commercial...

When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are.
Anything your heart desires,
Will come to you.


"I'll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead cryonically frozen hands"
Basically, this means, that YES you can wish for your child, or anyone else to be safe from a violent death due to guns...BUT someone else can come along and counteract that "wish" by making their own wish to actually shoot you.

This leads back to the argument of Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of the National Rifle Association, "The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun."

The only problem is, how do you know if the person you are shooting is a "bad guy," or just Grumpy.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #22 ComedySportz

#100DaysOfSelfies #22 ComedySportz
Played a show tonight at Xfinity Live!
Check out those jerseys behind us...

RIP Sheev 10/14/2014

Yesterday on The Star Wars Underground website it was announced that Emperor Palpatine's first name will FINALLY be revealed in James Luceno's upcoming Star Wars novel, Tarkin (out November 4th, the day before my birthday - "remember, remember...")

The name on page 93 will be...Sheev (I probably should have warned that this is a spoiler, but it's already in the title of this blog, so...)

There you have it.

Not really earth shattering news is it?

Well, not to you or me...but it sure is to Kevin Heffernan. You might know Heffernan from his role of Rodney Farva in Super Troopers and the upcoming Super Troops 2. Or as Officer Don Burton in Workaholics. Or possible as SHEEV from the Dukes of Hazzard movie:

Today, 10/15/2014, when you "GOOGLE" the name SHEEV, the first image that comes up is Heffernan's character from the 2005 remake of The Dukes of Hazzard...that surely won't last much longer. No matter how much warning Sheev gives about the "conspiring dark forces," his end is near and it'll take more than an armadillo helmet to keep him safe from The Empire in a County Far Far Away.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #21 Violence!

#100DaysOfSelfies #21 Violence...
...or Something Like That.

Monday, October 13, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #20 (Still Hating On The) Pumpkin

#100DaysOfSelfies #20 (Still Hating on the) Pumpkin.
John Oliver did a piece on pumpkin spice. Every one messaged me about it. I really hate pumpkin.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #19 Pumpkin

#100DaysOfSelfies #19 Pumpkin 
Luckily, my loathing for all things pumpkin is matched by my love for Ms. Martin.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #18 Moving Day

#100DaysOfSelfies #18 Moving Day
Helping Kerry (& Joe...& Phoebe...& Sterling) move.
Phoebe's not interested.

Friday, October 10, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #17 Wardrobe

#100DaysOfSelfies #17 Wardrobe.
Filming "doctor stuff" for work on Monday. 
I thought my Mom would be proud to see this hanging in my office. 

Thursday, October 9, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #16 The Key

#100DaysOfSelfies #16 The Key
Sure Kit, I'll open that locked door to the outside world..when you're 18! 

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #15 Let's Go Flyers!

#100DaysOfSelfies #15 Let's Go Flyers!
The kid's first jersey and first season opener.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #14 Foreign Country Weather Report

#100DaysOfSelfies #14 Foreign Country Weather Report
Fall is here! Hot Turkey is back!
So you're saying that it's Hot in Turkey in the Fall.

Monday, October 6, 2014

#100DaysOfSelfies #13 Fish Food

#100DaysOfSelfies #13 Fish Food. 
Everything fish eat, is fish food.