Monday, September 23, 2013

Rule Number 3

There are three things that separate human beings from animals:

1. if a child runs out into the street, you grab that child.  You don't have to know them.  You don't have to have a child of your own.  You don't even have to like children.  You can be a Hatfield and the child could be a McCoy, but if he runs into the street, you grab that kid!


2. we tell each other when you don't need to pay for parking.  Because fuck the parking authority!  ALL PARKING AUTHORITIES!  If you live in a town or know the parking restriction time limits in said town, you share that information with your fellow "parkers."  If someone is about to pay for parking in center city Philadelphia on a Wednesday night, you let them know parking is free.  That's what Jesus would do (if the quarters didn't slip through his hand holes).


3. KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT!  This one trumps ALL other rules.  ALL OF THEM!  To hell with that kid, he should have known better and this will be a tough lesson learned!  And so what about the stupid $3.00 you paid when you didn't have to, maybe if you paid closer attention to things involving your car, you wouldn't have hit that kid that darted out in the street!  No, rule number three is PARAMOUNT!  NO one, and I mean NO ONE spoils the end of Breaking Bad!


Will Walter White live? Will he die?  Will he ever buy a hat that doesn't look like one Cliff Huxtable would wear to the jazz clubs?

Couldn't find the hat photo...

With the emergence of Netflix and Hulu Plus and a slew of other ways to watch past aired television, so many of our fellow beings are still catching up on the Emmy Award winning "Best Drama" Breaking Bad.   It is an unspoken pact we make as members of the human race, NOT to spoil a show such as this.  The outcome is destined to be a "Rosebud" or an Intergalactic father/son relationship between the protagonist/antagonist.  Simply put, don't be the asshole who says, "I'm the one who spoils."


I will be watching the show live.  I killed myself over the summer getting caught up i n order to watch the fate of Walter White along side my fellow geeks.  And then I'll follow number 3 and keep my trap shut.  If you must "spoil" something, might I recommend another show that recently ended, Dexter.  Of course to that I say GOOD LUCK, since the writers spoiled it somewhere around season 3.


Thursday, September 12, 2013

Mustaches & Mustard Gas!

It's Friday!  Time to play everyone's favorite GAME SHOW, "Mustaches & Mustard Gas!"

Can you tell the difference between the 80s icon and the merciless despot?  

Remember, points are worth double in this round...also your family can be drug out into the streets and shot!



Let's begin:
(scroll down for answers)

1. 

Look at that winning smile and those clean teeth.  
This MUST be a movie star right?


















































Maybe not a MOVIE star, but he has been getting quite a bit of TV time lately.  It's Bashar al-Assad, the Despot of Damascus.  This Syrian 'Stash Sporter is quite the gas at parties!









2. 

Hmmm...that deep dimple looks ominous.  
And is that a military flight hat (AKA a garrison cap) I see in the background?


















































Why that's Chappy Sinclair!  Louis Gosset Jr's character from Iron Eagle.  Don't let that militant demeanor fool you, Chappy takes Doug Masters under his wing (hey-o!) to fight a country holding his father hostage.

SIDE NOTE:  While researching this, I learned that the soldiers who wear garrison caps have another name for them..."cunt caps."

True story.  Look it up.









3. 

Look at those cheek bones.  This guy must be a ruthless leader of men and ardent "bedder" of women...

















































Did you guess despot?  

Then "Another One Bites The Dust."  That's Queen frontman, Freddie Mercury.  I'm fairly certain he never wore a "cunt cap."  

True story.  Look it up!









4. 

I'm sure this guy is all about guns!


















































And by "guns" I mean a Magnum!  

P.I. that is.  

Detroit Tigers hat, Hawaiian shirt and a Ferrari, though in this photo, Tom Selleck only needs his iconic 80s 'stash to be properly I.D.'d.









5.

Is that a "duck face?"


















































Well, it sure is!  As in, "You better fucking duck or Saddam is going to shoot your ass!"

You can call what he's wearing a beret, but that right there ladies and gentlemen, is a goddamn CUNT CAP!









How are you doing so far?  

5 for 5?

GREAT!  Let's keep going:









6. 

I'm getting a Hannibal Smith from The A-Team feel on this one. 

"I love it when a plan comes together..."



















































And that "plan" of course, is to play an international game of "chicken" with John F. Kennedy in 1962.  

Oh, Fidel Castro, you minx!









7. 

Come on!  Everyone knows this dictator...


















































It's "The Great Dictator!"  

I know what you're thinking, "Kevin, Charlie Chaplin isn't an 80s icon!"
Sure he is!  He was born April 16, 1889.  

The old Tramp trick.

SIDE NOTE:  This is a NO HITLER Game Show









8. 

Sex appeal...


















































Nice!  Who is that rugged movie star?  

Joseph Stalin you say?

The Russian dictator who is responsible for the deaths of between 4 million and nearly 10 million, not including those who died in 
famines?

Oh.

Great.

Umm...

...nice scarf, I guess.









This game just gotten a bit awkward, didn't it?









9.

So what did this asshole do?



















































...How about a little something called "Smokey & The Mother Fuckin' Bandit!"

and the Cannonball Run movies.

Burt!

Legend.








Last question...










10.

This is a MOTHER FUCKING terrorist...


















































...to every hitter in Major League Baseball from the 1970s through the 1980s.

Rollie Fingers.









So, Mr. Assad, the next time you're thinking of putting the smack down on your own people, just remember you don't need to resort to chemical warfare.  

Some well placed mustache wax and a hard biting sinker will usually do the job.



Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Blurred Lines (AKA The Message Is Confusing Why I Should "Hate" This Song)

Blurred Lines.

So, apparently there is a controversy brewing on the internet.  It's been bubbling over for quite some time.  No I'm not talking about Syria.  But more importantly the song "Blurred Lines" from this guy's son:


I know!  I'm shocked it's Alan Thicke's REAL son we are talking about.  And not his "phony" son who produced that fantastic superhero franchise that features people flying!


Robin Thicke, T.I. and Pharrell recorded the song "Blurred Lines" for Thicke's album named, originally enough, "Blurred Lines".

There are two versions of the video for the song.  One that's not only NSFW ("Not Safe For Work"), but NSFTCSOYM ("Not Safe For The Continuing Sanctity Of Your Marriage").

This guy agrees:


For anyone who has missed it, here is the "tamed down" version of the video:


Or you can watch this one if you dare:


So here's the thing:  Does the video objectify women?  Yes.  Does EVERY video objectify women?  Pretty Much.  Should we put a stop to it?  Probably, but maybe we should be more outraged that women are still only paid .80 cents on the dollar for the work they do compared to men and they don't get paid leave for pregnancy in the US.

(CUTE FACT:  Syrian women get 50 days paid leave...though they also get napalmed to the fucking face, so I guess it's not the best trade off)

So what kind of WOMAN hating man directed this deplorable video that views women this way?

This guy:


Wait...What?  Diane Martel is a chick?  I thought it was a French name or something. 

OK.  So I guess this choreographer turned director is a self loathing piece of trash who has sold out the Ya Yas for filthy lucre.  Let's see some of her past hateful filled work:


OK.  This doesn't really help my argument.  I mean, I need something gross and disgusting that shows her true colors:


Right, but this one more objectifies Bulls.  Also, I must point out, no bulls were hurt in the making of this video.  And bull fighting is gross and pointless and inhumane (Kevin steps off SOAPBOX).

BUT COME ON!  I want a video that makes the bile rise up from my stomach and can be used as proof positive that Diane Martel hates women and has shit on all of their struggles to be accepted and taken seriously in, not just the work force, but society itself:


Nailed it!

OK.  Maybe it's not simply the video and it's objectification of women, which Thicke fully admits to by the way:

"We tried to do everything that was taboo. Bestiality, drug injections, and everything that is completely derogatory towards women. Because all three of us are happily married with children, we were like, 'We're the perfect guys to make fun of this.'

OK.  Hold on a second.  I get it.  Now I see the problem.  Robin Thicke is Canadian!  So there you have it.  After all, here is EVERYTHING he sees as taboo:

1. Bestiality.  I agree.  At least Martel didn't have Jack White give a "handy" to the bull in the video (might have been in the directors cut)
2. Drug Injection.  Not "drug use" mine you, just injection.  Pop, snort, smoke, ingest anything you want, but don't be injecting shit!
3. And everything that is completely derogatory towards women.  So you mean like Chris Brown's work?


Nailed it!

So maybe it's the content of the song itself that is the problem.

Tricia Romano refers to the song as "Kind of Rapey."  Talk about your "blurred lines."  It's either "Rapey" or it isn't.  You can find Romano's full argument here:


Full disclosure - I like this song.  And I hate rape.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  I listened to the song over and over again to determine if I am missing some hidden message in the song figuring maybe it'll be like in the 80s when I allowed my brother's friend to "backmask" my Dire Straits "Brother's In Arms" cassette.  HOLY SHIT, I couldn't sleep for a week!    

So it was somewhere around my 69th listening (I know, don't hate the player) that it hit me!  This song isn't about forcing unwanted sex on a woman...it's about a guy who is debating having sex with a pre-op transgendered individual.  

Don't believe me?  I'll explain, with the help from the song's own lyrics.  

My observations are in RED.

"Blurred Lines"
(feat. T.I. & Pharrell Williams)

[Intro: Pharrell]
Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey

"EVERYBODY get up."  Clearly "get up" means to "pop a boner."  Alas, a lady can NOT do this.  Except maybe this chick:


[Verse 1: Robin Thicke]
If you can't hear what I'm trying to say
If you can't read from the same page
Maybe I'm going deaf,
Maybe I'm going blind
Maybe I'm out of my mind
[Pharell:] Everybody get up

"Maybe I'm going deaf, Maybe I'm going blind"  This seems like he knows something is UP ("Everybody get up") But he's going to pretend he's "deaf and blind" to it.  So right off the bat, he's fairly certain that he's "making time" with a fella.

[Pre-chorus: Robin Thicke]
OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby, it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker

This is the singers way of saying, "Whatever floats your boat, friend!  I'm Down! (presumably to fuck)"  

[Chorus: Robin Thicke]
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it

Why has no one pointed out that the first time he sings "I know you want it," it's in a higher register?  And then the second time it's really deep.  He's saying I know you want to have sex and concurrently, I know, you are in fact, a dude.

You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines

"You're far from plastic."  Possibly a reference to the REAL thing this "good girl" is sporting between her (his) legs.

I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me
[Pharell:] Everybody get up

Pharell reconfirms, that it's cool for this "good girl" to get a boner.

[Verse 2: Robin Thicke]
What do they make dreams for
When you got them jeans on
What do we need steam for
You the hottest bitch in this place

Self explanatory...

I feel so lucky
Hey, hey, hey
You wanna hug me
Hey, hey, hey
What rhymes with hug me?
Hey, hey, hey

You clever scamp!  Although, easy with the Bobby Brown lines.  "Fuck me" does not rhyme with "Hug me."

[Pre-chorus: Robin Thicke]
OK now he was close, tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal, baby it's in your nature
Just let me liberate you
Hey, hey, hey
You don't need no papers
Hey, hey, hey
That man is not your maker
Hey, hey, hey

"Don't need no papers" might even be a social commentary on the fact that same sex marriage is not legal in all fifty states yet.  When you get down to it, this song is pretty goddman progressive!  No wonder it's a hotbed of controversy.  

Let's see where it goes next, shall we?

[Chorus: Robin Thicke]
And that's why I'm gon' take a good girl
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted

"Can't let it get past me."  He's saying, "Look.  I know you got a dick.  I got a dick.  We all got dicks.  Let's just make our dicks get all 'blasted' and such."  

[Pharell:] Everybody get up
I hate these blurred lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
I hate them lines
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

"I hate them lines."  Am I right?  It's 2014 (is it?  I should look into that) and dude love has been around forever.  Constantine was into dudes.  Also Christians, he picked the books in your Bible, so...."Everybody get up!"

[Verse 3: T.I.]
One thing I ask of you
Let me be the one you back that ass to

So far this checks out.  "Look, I'm not quite ready to be a 'bottom.'  Let's see what happens."

Go, from Malibu, to Paris, boo
Yeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as you

First there's a reference to playing with Barbie dolls (Malibu and Paris Barbie) then he admits, "Look, I've been with females, but i want to try some forbidden fruit."  

Presumably, that was not a reference to Carmen Miranda.


So hit me up when you passing through
I'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in two

"Cause you ain't got a vagina!"  Yet.  It's a 12 month layaway payment plan.  Call now and we'll throw in another vagina free of charge.  You just pay for shipping and handling.

Swag on, even when you dress casual
I mean it's almost unbearable

"Swag on" reminds me of "Swing Heil" from the movie, Swing Kids.  That movie was great.  Also, I don't think it's a coincidence the kid's name is "Peter."  You know, like a dick.


In a hundred years not dare, would I
Pull a Pharside let you pass me by

I have no fucking clue what this means.  Honestly, I might be about rape which would total fuck everything I have already written.  Let's do what the US Military does when faced with the possibility of rape, move on and ignore it.

Nothing like your last guy, he too square for you
He don't smack that ass and pull your hair like that

Yep.

So I just watch and wait for you to salute

Salute = boner.

But you didn't pick
Not many women can refuse this pimpin'
I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

Check and mate!

[Bridge: Robin Thicke]
Shake the vibe, get down, get up
Do it like it hurt, like it hurt
What you don't like work?

This is where he switches to being the "bottom."  It hurts because he's new at this.  He also makes small talk to make things less awkward by asking about his pre-op buddy's job. 

[Pre-chorus: Robin Thicke]
Baby can you breathe? I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me, Dakota to Decatur, uh huh

I think they are trying on cologne.

No more pretending - I know you have a dick
Hey, hey, hey - I like Fat Albert
Cause now you winning - At Dominos or Charlie Sheen reference
Hey, hey, hey - See two lines previously
Here's our beginning - WE'RE DATING!

[Chorus: Robin Thicke]
I always wanted a good girl

Ironic!

(Pharell: Everybody get up)

Lot's of boners.

I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
You're a good girl
Can't let it get past me
You're far from plastic
Talk about getting blasted
I hate these blurred lines

Let's just call it what it is:  One and a Half Men.  Charlie Sheen is gone.  Which means the previous Charlie Sheen reference makes more sense.

(Pharell: Everybody get up)
I know you want it
I know you want it
I know you want it
But you're a good girl
The way you grab me
Must wanna get nasty
Go ahead, get at me

So wanna meet my Mom?

[Outro: Pharrell]
Everybody get up
Everybody get up
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey


And there you have it.

So truthfully, it's a song about a modern, consensual, same (or similar) sex relationship.  I think Alan Thicke's son is actually using this song, which has sold over 5 million copies in the US alone, to breakdown barriers in excepting all people for who they are.

This son:


Not this one:


He's fucking asshole.