If you're like me, you can't just throw any old thing on for Halloween. You want to be topical. You want to be clever. You want to be original.
But, as I have pointed out in previous years - topical, clever, and original need NOT go hand in hand with obscene:
#1 - Anything involving Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or even Bernie Sanders
The Politician to Harley Quinn ratio at parties this Halloween will be off the chart. So let's agree to skip them altogether - the politicians. I am TOTALLY fine with everyone dressing up like Harley Quinn!
"But I've already printed out 33,000 emails for my Hillary costume!"
Of course you have. That's not clever. And you've killed an entire forest, you asshole.
"Oh! What if I do the Hillary mask AND a prison jumpsuit? Original right?"
Sure...you'll be the life of Mike Huckabee's Halloween party.
Come on! Don't try to recycle last year's Orange is the New Black costume, just because you still haven't put it away yet.
Prediction: a Janet Jackson/Hillary Clinton "Nasty" mashup. You'll see it. In fact you'll probably see two. So much for original.
"Surely it's OK if I dress up like Donald J. Trump, right?"
"How about "sexy" Trump?"
What is wrong with YOU?!?
Look! Even Trump doesn't want to look like Trump this Halloween. He'll be wearing a costume just like everyone else. Based on this photo from his private dressing room, it appears he'll be going as a ghost:
Everyone who waited until the last minute will jump on whatever is hot a week before Halloween. This explains why you have that Charlie Sheen mask sitting next to your Orange is the New Black costume you still haven't put away.
Seriously! Spring Cleaning! Look into it!
#2 - Anything Political
Sure Trump & Hillary cover just about everything political right now, but keep in mind many other political figures have made the headlines this year.
Whether you decide to dress as Ben Carson and wait in the hallway to the party all night, or as Gary Johnson and not get invited at all, it's probably best to keep your political costumes on the side line this year.
Even mashup costumes, like Lost "Cosplaying" Antonin Scalia are probably a no go until things settle a bit politically.
That said, if you've got your heard set on that Marco Rubio Rubix Cube idea, who am I to judge?
#3 - This is a good time to bring up DEAD CELEBRITIES!
Look, I know as soon as you heard David Bowie died, you freak out and thought, "WHAT A GREAT HALLOWEEN COSTUME!" Only to amend that idea as soon as you heard Prince died.
(Apologies if you are just hearing this news now...)
2016 was a rough year for celebrity deaths. Which is why you're likely to see Snape, Hans Gruber, and the Sheriff of Knottingham all fighting over the crudités at this year's party. By Grabthar's hammer! Alexander Danes gets first dibs!
(I'll give you a second to Google that...all done? Great.)
"But I'm the world's biggest Gene Wilder fan! I need to honor his career!"
Really? Look, you know Willy Wonka and Young Frankenstein. You also know he was in some comedies with Richard Pryor, but you can't tell the difference between Stir Crazy and Silver Streak, so let's not get crazy with "world's biggest fan."
But, I'm not unreasonable. If you must dress up as a Gene Wilder character, you can be Eugene Grizzard.
"Who's Eugene Grizzard?"
Exactly! You're NOT the world's biggest Gene Wilder fan!
#4 - Zombie Harambe
Yes, we all know what happened to Harambe, and it was terrible. Adding "zombie" in front of his name won't bring him back even if it does have a kind of nice sound to it.
And yes, Harambe technically falls into the dead celebrity category. He's been Googled more times this year than Nicolas Cage, and Nicolas Cage is still alive...presumably (I didn't check).
Editor's Note: Zombie Harambe is a bad idea for a Halloween costume, but a catchy title to a novelty song. Perhaps to the music of the Cranberries?
#5 - El Chapo
#6 - Brex-It
I'm not up on as much of the news as I should be, so I'm not exactly sure what this is. I assume it's a breakfast eating Pennywise the clown from Stephen King's, "It":
While clowns are HOT this year, they are also likely to get you shot while driving to the party.
#7 - Olympic Gold Medalist Ryan Lochte
Let's not forget, before he bleached his hair and then saw it turn green, or got drunk and beat the crap out of a poor, defenseless bathroom (who's wall he urinated on), this was that same gold medalist:
Awwww...he thinks it's food.
You can do better. We can ALL do better. Much, MUCH better.
#8 - A POKEMON Jim?
I don't know what that is...maybe this guy?
Look, based on everything going on around the world right now it's probably best if none of us tries to reach too high and be clever or original.
Maybe we should all just agree to wear the same costume so as to not cause any fights or ruffle any feathers.
If so, I vote for this one: