Thursday, October 2, 2014

Topical Halloween Costumes for 2014

Tasteful Topical Halloween Costumes for 2014.

In 2010 (a mere 4 years ago), I wrote a blog about sexy & inappropriate Halloween costumes. You can read all about it right HERE. Some are quite salacious...not unlike this one::

Salacious Crumb (you decide if this is the "sexy" version)
This year, I am attempting to stay AHEAD of the curve by predicting the top 10 topical Halloween costumes based on the events in 2014 (Feel free to add your own degree of "sexiness" to them).

1. Malaysian Airlines Flight 370
Well, well, that the Malaysian Airlines missing Flight 370? Looks like we found it, in Cleveland, OH of all places (or at least that's where this photo is from). 
Transportation sticks together apparently, I believe it was checking out The Cars in the Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame. 

Okay. Before everyone gets all indignant, I am totally joking...I know The Cars are not in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame (but sign this petition and they could be!!!).

*For added sexiness, feel free to incorporate the now defunct Hooters Airline wardrobe. I assume they play songs like this:

2. Russian Olympic worker or (with same outfit) Hollywood from Mannequin.
The photo kind of says it all, doesn't it?

b: April 11, 1947
d: June 28, 2014

*No added sexiness required.

3. Ukraine Costume.
I don't know that you could make this thing any sexier than this lady is pulling off right here. 

She may be a bit old, but her flower ain't wilted yet!

Also, the first three news stories can all kind of tie together as a group costume:
1. Malaysian Airlines (A second disaster is around the corner)
2. Russia (sans Hollywood)
3. The Ukraine

*No added sexiness possible!

4. The Pope 
(in honor of the canonization of Popes John XXIII & John Paul II)
I wanted to include a pet costume, and this one seems divine!
People will be screaming HOLY SHIH TZU when you walk in the room. Which is kind of bullshit, seeing as this is clearly a Scottish Terrier.

*For added sexiness...IT'S A DOG! SICK DUDE!

Remember Boko Haram and the SLACKtavist craze "Bring Back Our Girls"?

No. Of course not. Because the "Ice Bucket" challenge took over as the Internet Meme of the year, and Boko Haram looks like a the Partridge Family to ISIS's Brady Bunch

b: May 5, 1926
d: June 1, 2014

The cheese curls bit is just something I added, because you always run out of snacks at Halloween parties.

*For added sexiness, remove sign and BYO Cheese Curls.

I believe there's still a handful of these jerseys on a rack somewhere. #88...aren't you just so fucking clever, internet.

*For added sexiness, paint on your soccer jersey (NSFW). Then partner up with the person wearing costume #10 for removal.

Of course, someone ALWAYS has to be "that guy" at a Halloween party. 

You know the same asshole who wrote how sad it was the day Robin Williams died, also ran off and ordered a pair of rainbow suspenders and a length of rope from Amazon. Don't be that guy (or girl). But if you can't help yourself...

Here are some topical costumes for those douches...

7. Joan Rivers
Here's a rubber Joan Rivers mask. 
If you ask me, it looks nothing like her...what's that? Oh, it is Joan Rivers? 
Hmmm...has my Amazon order shown up yet?

*For added sexiness, go as Joan's character Dot Matrix from Spaceballs, but deactivate the "virgin alarm."

8. An Elevator Costume
You know there is already a couple out there, who have bought a Ray Rice jersey and some dark makeup for black eyes. They probably think her wearing the jersey and him wearing the black eyes makes the costume "OKAY." 
Yet they will both find themselves in their respective HR offices on Monday November 3rd after posting photos to their pubic Facebook accounts.

If you need a costume connected to that story so badly, simply go as the elevator. Just realize that when you walk up to a girl you don't know at a party and ask "Going down?" 
She has every right to kick you in the nuts.

*For added sexiness, go as a set of stairs, AND DON'T HIT WOMEN DICKHEAD!

9. Scottish Costume
Been going to your English friend's Halloween party for the past 307 years? Is it getting old and you're thinking of branching off and having your own party with these fine ladies:
Think again!

Turns out you're stuck without any real decision making again this year. So put on your kilt and take off your underwear...if you don't mind, bring some cheese curls too, would you sugartits?

10. Ice Bucket (Challenge) Costume
This was ALL the rage on the internet this summer, so why not recapture the philanthropic event in costume form?

No one could possibly be upset with this little number...

You know what? Fuck it! 
If you're into watersports, but want to keep it non controversial, just take a page out of Daniel-son's book...

It's not exactly topical, though IMDb does have screenwriters listed for a sequel to the disastrous Karate Kid remake.

Your best bet to be topical is to not wear ANYTHING at all, take pictures with your cell phone and then leak those nude photos on the internet. The nice thing about this, is it'll still be topical when I repost this blog in 4 years. 

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