Thursday, August 30, 2018

Pool Hopping

Like many parents this time of year, Julie and I have been juggling the end of camp vs the beginning of the new school year.

Wisely, of course, Julie scheduled our vacation for the first week after Summer Camp ended. This was a terrific idea. However, since we still had another week and a half to deal with before Kit went back to school, we've been trading days off.

Yesterday, Kit and I started the day with a quiet breakfast at one of our favorite places, Frankie's on Fairview.

Just a daddy and daughter outing...

...and a couple of dolls.

We had no other plans other than to do some back-to-school shopping. But That's when I saw a sign (on the TV in the previous photo):


The Summer was coming to an end. We had to do something fun! Something epic! Something we'd remember well into Winter. 

We had to enact Operation Finale! AKA, we had to go Pool Hopping!

Now look, before you think I am going to coax a 4 year old into trespassing in the backyards of strangers, know this - *"Pool Hopping," as described in the film The Swimmer with Burt Lancaster, is hopping from pool to pool regardless of whether or not you know the owner of said water hole.

Therefore, I decided to take Kit to "friendly" pools of people we already know...completely unannounced.

#1 - My Aunt Lauren & Uncle Joe's Pool:

This was a no brainer to start with. It's on the way from my house to my parent's, and as luck would have it, my Mom happened to be there. My Aunt Lauren laughed at the idea and of course welcomed us to jump in the pool.

My Uncle Joe gave me a bunch of hot peppers (he gets it!), so clearly he didn't mind the mid week intrusion.

Operation Finale off to a great start!

#2 - My Aunt Jane & Uncle Lou's Pool:

Jane & Lou are some of my family's oldest friends. They have been my parent's neighbors since we moved into the house in 1977. I knew they wouldn't mind if we crashed their pool.

They didn't.

I mean, no hot peppers or anything, but they sat outside with us while we took our uninvited swim...

...then invited us back any time, so I guess it was kind of an invited after the fact swim.

#3 - My Mom & Dad's Pool:

I mean, of course we were going to swim at Grammy & Pop-Pop's. That's a given! But still, unannounced...unless you count the fact that I called my Mom earlier, which is how I found out she was going to be at my Aunt Lauren's house.

Still...number three!

#4 The YMCA

Okay. Yes! In fairness, I have a membership and can go whenever I want, BUT what happens if the family pool has been drained for the annual end of season cleaning?

Then you go in the BIG pool...unannounced!

Count it!

That's four pools in one day! AND we didn't even plan to do it until almost 1pm.

So now what?

I told Kit, "We did four pools in a day!" Then I asked, "How many pools do you want to try and do next summer?" Her answer... FIVE POOLS!

With proper training, I think we can do it.

In fact, my plan is to attempt TEN pools in one day.

"Piece of cake," you're thinking. Yes. But again, I'm doing this with a by then, a 5 year old. So, ten pools is quite ambitious.

If you have a pool, we'd love to jump in it for a few minutes. If your aunt Genie has a pool and it's cool that we jump in that...we're in! If a college roommate you haven't spoken to in 11 years "might have one," we'll pass. We're looking for the sure thing.

Be on the look out for these two pool hoppers next summer - Saturday, June 8th 2019.

We'll bring our own towels!

(*They 100% never define "pool hopping" as described above in The Swimmer. But I figure no one but Brendan Carr has ever seen it, so I'm pretty safe!)

Thursday, August 2, 2018

Five Ostrich Facts You Need To Know

Five Ostrich Facts You Need To Know

Ostriches are the largest bird in the world. Their numbers have steeply declined over the past 200 years for various reasons, but mostly because humans have used their feathers, meat, and skin for their own shitty needs.

Here are five facts about ostriches you probably didn't know:

1. Contrary to what you may have learned from cartoons and other reliable sources, ostriches do not actually bury their heads in the sand.

What they do is lay their head low to the ground as a defense mechanism making themselves less visible for predators. Since their plumage camouflages so well with the sandy soil they typically live in, it gives the appearance of burying their head in the sand.

"Is this guy fucking serious?"

2. Ostriches who are exceptionally fast, will typically run away when threatened. However, their long powerful legs are quite dangerous weapons in a fight. They have been known to kill humans, lions, and a sensei or two who thinks mocking a bird is wise.

Maybe Mr. Miyagi was doing an "Ostrich" technique in the Karate Kid, but producers thought Cranes were more regal. Regardless, YOU should go watch the YouTube original series: Cobra Kai. It's fantastic! ("Look eye, always look eye!")

3. According to www.

"Ostriches perform a complex mating ritual consisting of the cock alternating wing beats until he attracts a mate, when they will go to the mating area and he will drive away all intruders."

I don't have a clue what this sentence means. But I'm fairly certain it infers that ostriches have "alternating cocks." In theory, I have alternating eye glasses, but really only use my second pair as a spare. So I guess that's kind of similar. 

It would be kinda cool to have a fancy cock for formal gatherings and a casual cock for sitting around the house.

This guy just cums smugness.
4. Paul Manafort has a $15,000 ostrich jacket.

As if you needed another reason to hate this asshole.

5. This picture of Bill Cosby from Leonard Part 6 looks like he's fucking an ostrich. Which, based on his track record, is entirely possible.

Hey! I just realized Manafort and Cosby are alternating cocks. So this piece has come full circle!


If you happen to have a few extra dollars, why not help with the conservation of ostriches by making a donation to The African Wildlife Foundation?

You can click on the highlighted name above OR go to