Thursday, July 3, 2014

Fly the Friendly Skies

At this point, we have all been on an airplane before, right? We're aware of the procedures put into place in the unlikely event of a crash. The airlines even provide a keepsake laminated pamphlet of those instructions, which they kindly place next to the barf bag.

Oh…they aren't a keepsake? You’re not supposed to remove them from the airplane? Doing so can be construed as theft and is a federal offense? 


I never noticed how specific these procedures are until a recent flight. I have broken out the highlights, so you feel safe the next time you fly.

First let’s cover a few DON’Ts:

DON’T use lighters, old AM/FM Walkmen or cellphones. 
  • Lighters are dangerous, because they can be used to free base. 
  • AM/FM Walkmen are dangerous, because you might have a tape stuck in there for years and be forced to listen to a Genesis “Invisible Touch” over and over again. At that point, you’d be better off crashing. 
  • And cellphones are dangerous because you might drunk dial your ex-girlfriend to tell her how much of a whore she was.

Some more products from the 1980s on the DON’T list: A VHS Camcorder, a record player and a Speak & Spell.
  • The VHS Camcorder can get you into “hot water” just ask Rob Lowe about that! Did you see how his career turned out after his sex tape was leaked to the public? That’s right, we never heard of him again.
  • A record player will often skip at 8000 plus feet so you won’t be able to listen to the music you brought. However, if you brought Genesis “Invisible Touch,” this will make “Tonight, Tonight, Tonight” sound better. Fuck that album and fuck those guys!
  • And finally, the Speak & Spell. This is VERY dangerous. Because you and I both know that the word the Speak & Spell is trying to say is “snicker,” but it sure doesn't sound that way to the black guy sitting next to you who is already pissed off because you keep playing the “Land of Confusion” video on your lap top. For safety sake, don’t bring the laptop.

In case of a CRASH landing, lean forward and try to force out a fart. This will fill the cabin with methane gas, which is a potential source to keep the plane aloft. I don’t know for certain, as I didn't read this article:  FART-icle. 

Otherwise, gas companies will be rushing to save you, as they fracking LOVE methane gas. Those weird fart sniffers!

Also, ladies who are currently breast feeding, this is the perfect opportunity to feed your child with little to no social stigma. Everyone else will be praying that when the plane crashes into the mountain, the radio playing Genesis will be the first thing snuffed out.

Since the plane now smells like, what I imagine, the floor of the Republican National Convention smells like early in the morning after everyone has had their eggs (old white guy farts are the worst!), oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling.

Put yours on first before helping Tyrion Lannister with his. If you survive this ordeal, remember, “A Lannister always pays their debts (in frequent flyers miles).”

Then moonwalk to your nearest exit. Also acceptable are the Hustle and the Sprinkler (if a fire has, in fact, broken out).

 After the crash landing, if you are still alive, use your newly inherited powers that you received from the Island you landed on to look for the Smoke Monster. It will likely be proceeded by a sound similar to a taxi printing out a receipt. Other variations on these powers may include shooting fire from your eyes (bonus) or being able to simply break glass with them (ahh, that’s cool too…I guess). Before exiting the plane, be sure to kill the guy who thought playing Genesis's thirteenth studio album was a good idea in 2014!

Find someone in “Mom Jeans” to open the door to the plane by pushing it open like she’s holding an invisible baby.

Then pop your collar, and run as fast as you can from the plane. Or you can choose to assist people getting off the plane while sneaking peeks up the female passenger’s dresses (you’ve earned it).

 IMPORTANT – remember to make sure Conan O’Brien is safely off the plane before allowing other passengers to exit.

And, of course, in case of a water landing, use your pillow as a flotation device until you are eaten by a shark.