Friday, June 29, 2007

Hell Yeah For America!!!

How did the 4th of July become the holiday where we blow shit up? Wouldn’t you think on a day that celebrates casting off your oppressors, you’d want it to be as peaceful as possible?

Why do terrorists hate us so much? You’d think that any country that celebrates it’s independence by blowing shit up would be on their “good side.”

How did the Roman Empire stand so powerful with nothing more than Roman Candles to fight off the enemies?

Why do “snakes” get lumped in with fireworks? All they really do is stain the sidewalk and smell like crap.

Bang Snap? Couldn’t make up you mind huh? That’s be like calling a rooster a Cuck-a-doodle-ba-gawk!

Can a cherry bomb really blow up a toilet or is that a myth, like the female orgasm?

Is it unpatriotic to by an American Flag made in China? And what if the dye in the flag runs? “These colors…um, never mind.”

What are the odds of a person named America speaking English?

If you find the concept of the American Dream sexy, is it possible for you to have a Wet American Dream?

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Chris Benoit

What a horrible story.

Chris Benoit, the Rabid Wolverine, was found dead at his Georgia home on Monday morning. Benoit was schedule to wrestle on Sunday night at the WWE pay-per-view “Vengeance.” At the last minute he was replaced on the card, “personal matters” was the listed as the reason.

Along with Chris, his wife and 7 year old son Daniel were all found dead at the residence. No more information was given by investigators. After rumors spread across the internet, authorities released this cold yet telling quote, “No one was shot.”

Julie said maybe it was Carbon Monoxide poisoning, but the “personal matters” wouldn’t really make sense if that was the case.

Today a source is saying that it was in fact murder suicide. Benoit choked his wife, smothered his son and hung himself.

Bizarre doesn’t begin to describe what has happened here.

Friday, June 22, 2007

I Solemnly Swear I Am Up To No Good.

I would never spoil something for someone. Let me rephrase that. I would never deliberately spoil something for someone. Even to this day when someone is talking about The Usual Suspects, I’ll ask those within earshot, “Have you seen it?” That movie is like 10 years old!

I don’t necessarily like spoiling something for myself, but I don’t hate it. I do however, hate when someone spoils it for me. For example (Halloween spoiler coming up), I was once asked by a “less-than” if I saw H20. I told him I had not, but was looking forward to seeing it. He then proceeds to tell me that Jaime Lee Curtis chops off Michael Myers head. I asked him why he would do that when I told him I wanted to see it.

No response came. None was expected.

So with that comes the news that a hacker has actually downloaded a copy of Harry Potter’s final book. The spoilers were available on a website which also warned that there is no way to verify whether they are in fact “real.”

So what would you do? Would you avoid the internet until July21st? Would you not take phone calls from your “alleged” friend hypothetically named Gordon? Would you wait until a “less-than” came at you from afar? Or would you actively seek out the spoilers figuring, “well if anyone is going to ruin it for me, it’ll be me and on my terms?”

What do you think I did?

Are the spoilers true? Who can tell? Will they leak out from the media? Perhaps. Am I a walking knowledge bomb? Don’t piss me off.

I know something you don’t know.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Swim, Swam, Swum

I think one of those is not an actual word.
This is a picture of my new pool toy. I am going to sick him on Jim Festival.
When is Shark Week Jim? That's like a festival.
I see this guy popping out of the ocean at me and I can't help but think, "I really should make a dentist's appointment...and change my underwear."
This flla is ornery, because he's got all those teeth and no I've heard.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Indiana Jones and The Oscillating Fan

This was me when I walked out in the heat today. I felt like someone opened the "Ark of the Covenant." Toht should've gotten some sweet air conditioning. I hear they have it in the sequel.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Wizard World 2007

Judge Orders Man Not to Have Girlfriend
By Associated Press

Thu Jun 14, 9:12 AM
PETERBOROUGH, Ontario - A judge has ruled that a 24-year-old Canadian man is not allowed to have a girlfriend for the next three years.

Let me tell you folks, that judge is a real f'ing prick! However, unlike the all too debated Paris Hilton case, I think this sentence will be carried out...and then some.

Well ladies and gentlemen, Wizard World 2007 was held this weekend in the City of Brotherly Love. And well, if there's any love in store for these guys it is either going to be Brotherly, or well paid for.

Now, allow me to dispel a few beliefs that have circulated in regards to comic books, and those who read them. Not every single person who reads a comic book is, in fact cool. No, it’s true. Some of these fellows are socially awkward. Let’s face it, many are just plain nerds. I know it goes against everything we’ve learned throughout our days on this mortal coil…but alas, many a comic reader…is a fucking geek.

There is however, one thing that unifies all of “Nerdom”. They all seem to possess the uncanny ability to sew. Why is that I wonder? And why is it that they only have one pattern that they’ve mastered through the years? Red, white and blue…Betsy Ross would be proud. Hell, perhaps history never told us of the 30 plus year old son she had living in her basement long after the colonies were granted their sovereignty.

Lucky for us these cretins weren’t given a seat at the table while this country’s traditions were being laid, or we might all “Pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of Captain America.”
Don’t get me wrong there was much to be joyous about at the Convention.

Like when you pray that your camera is out of focus enough that you can deny until your dying breath that you are not in the picture. After all, who in their right mind would ever allow a character from Marvel’s Universe to be seen with a character from DC? I mean, what is this a “crossover?” What? Your "Average Joe" knows what a crossover is right? RIGHT? I fear I may have outed myself.

Well, at least let me put to bed the rumors that these Nerdly get-togethers are nothing but a sausage fest. Nothing could be further from the truth. This fine, young, lass seemed to be enjoying her womanly self just fine, although she did seem obsessed with finding a guy with a silver helmet. I told her mine was peach, and I called it Serpentor. It didn’t go over as well as you’d think.

But alas my salvation came thanks to what I assume was a loose snake in the audience. For a guy with a burlap bag over his head, who I guess was the snake's handler, ran by yelling, “La,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la, COBRA!”
There were also some very interesting developments announced for the future of comic books. As many of you know, Marvel Comics decided to kill off one of it's more popular characters in March--Captain America. Well Marvel, which typically waits until the Comic Convention in San Diego to make big annoucements, shocked everyone in Philadelphia this weekend.
Apparently Captain America will be replaced by Major Hezbollah. After the “bombshell” revelation, comic book stores throughout the Middle East were bombarded with preorders for the next issue…and then the stores were blown up.

When asked to comment President Bush said, "Comics? I like that Marmaduke."
Marmaduke’s circulation increased by 11%, the President’s approval rating dropped 12.

Even amoung the scores of people spilling out of their home made Spiderman costumes, a face or two might surprise you. I was slightly taken aback to learn that our Lord and Savior was present for the event.
He told me he came in 2nd at the Guitar Hero Tournament. He said he felt might have won the “crown,” had he been allowed more time to practice. However, much of his spare time has been interrupt lately with people praying for “Peace in the Middle East.” He then pointed to Major Hezbollah and said, “Fat Chance.”
In a nutshell, that was the day.

I won’t go into too much detail, but I was asked to leave early. You might think the masses figure out that I intended to expose them all with my indepth blog reporting? Or perhaps a few ladies at the Suicide Girls table claimed my zipper continually fell down? Maybe even my persistantly insisting that Dirk Benedict come to my house later to make Body Slam 2…but you would be wrong. The real reason I was asked to leave? My Aquaman Tee-shirt.
As I was being thrown off the premises I shouted, “I’m all about the Bitches and the Fishes.”

And then me and this dude fuckin' party like it was 1999!
And then he ate my Aquaman tee-shirt, which was a bummer because it cost me $19.99.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Terror on the Phone

Perhaps it is time for the terrorists to turn down the air conditioning. That way they wouldn't need to wear such heavy masks indoors. And really, it hardly goes with the rest of the ensemble. Rule of thumb fellas, the mask should match your belt...not a must, but at least put in some effort.

Terrorists are some of the worst contributers to global could say they are terrorizing Mother nature. But one would probably have their behinds handed to them for saying such a foolish thing in mixed company.

I do like the water bottle in the background. It shows that at least the fellow is health conscious. Sure, not in regards to "others" health, but conscious nontheless. He is at least away of the concept of "health." I thought about using Photoshop and adding a "TAB," but I felt that would be cheap...also I don't have Photoshop (because I am cheap).

My sources reveal this terrorist is making a "crank" phone call.

What follows is the transcript I was able to ascertain.

For those that are weak of heart, easily scared or over all just a pussy might want to skip ahead to the next blog (Which will likely be about fat guys dress as superheroes).

GWB: Hello?
Bad Guy: Yes. Yes is this George?
GWB: Yes.
Bad Guy: Um, yes is your refrigerator running?
GWB: You mean does it have electricity running to it?
Bad Guy: Is it running?
GWB: Well I just had a ham sandwich…I used mayo. I sure hope the mayo isn’t bad if that’s what you’re asking.
Bad Guy: Is your refrigerator running?
GWB: The little light came on when I opened the door. I also heard a cow “mooing.” The girls got me one of them fridge alarms for Father’s Day. They feel dad is getting a bit rounder…(Laughter).
Bad Guy: Ah…ok. SO then you’d say that the refrigerator is running.
GWB: I was a bit perturbed.
Bad Guy: (Silence)
GWB: I had a hankering for some tomato, that’s why I made the sandwich. I sat down and started to watch Baywatch and half way through I realized I forgot the tomato. That’s half way through the sandwich, not the episode of Baywatch.
Bad Guy: Right.
GWB: I was upset, but what was a guy to do? So I finished the sandwich of course. Then I got a slice of tomato and put some salt on it. I know it’s not healthy, but it’s the weekend.
Bad Guy: I gotta go…
GWB: Then I thought a little salad dressing would probably go a long way here. Paul Newman’s Italian. Laur loves it. But then I thought, I can’t just pick it up and make a mess…and how much more bread should I eat. Then it hit me…a soft pretzel.
Bad Guy: Right.
GWB: I invented a nice afternoon snack. Feelin’ pretty good about myself today.
So…anywho…to answer your previous question, yes my refrigerator is running.
Hello? Hello? Must of hung up.

The President hangs up the phone. He pushes a button and a voice comes over the speaker.

Amy: Yes Mr. President.
GWB: Amy, would you get me Lincoln Bowling Alley?
Amy: Yes sir.

The President just sits there.

Amy: Mr. President? Lincoln Bowling Alley on line 2.

The President picks up the phone.

GWB: Yes sir, do you have 16 pound balls?
Bowling Alley Manager: Yes sir.
GWB: How do you sit down?

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Italians, Dogs and Comic Books

Just when you feel 10,000 losses looming, the Phillies sweep the White Sox. This team is amazing. Not necessarily in a good way. They are 2 games behind the first place Mets…which puts us tied for second with the dreaded Atlanta Braves! October baseball perhaps?

I have been emailing back and forth with Vicki today. Apparently her dog Lily is trying to eat her out of house and home…literally. It would appear that Ms. Lily has a taste for window sill. My guess—it tastes like chicken. She is well and coming home from the Vet today.

My mom would tell us boys that we were eating her out of house and home, with the exception of Brian sharpening his teeth on a wicker lamp here or there, I figured this just an expression…what do I know?

Italian Festival last night. For those of you who don’t know my good friend Jimmy Festival is eternally scouring the globe for a Festival to go to. Last night was the Italian Festival in Wilmington. It was a lot of fun, although not very Italian. There were many bands playing music, one sounded Jamaican…but my favorite was the one that played “La Bamba.” That old Italian classic. It does end in a vowel.

This weekend Brian and I are going to Wizard World. I love it. Hopefully many pictures to follow.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

On So Sickly...

I have no idea what is wrong with me...I don't have Lyme's Disease again, but that's what I feel like. I am so run down. I called out of work and slept until 1pm. That's 14 hours! I feel like a teenager again...a 30 year old plus, balding teenager. OK I feel like a teenage as portayed on Beverly Hills 90210.

My Philadelphia Phillies are now a mere 14 losses away from hitting the 10,000 loss mark. I feel a party is definitely in order. If you can't be the best, at least you can be the best at being the worst. My good friend Steve lived his entire High School career under that philosophy.

I love not having to work weekends, but damn do they fill up quickly! Until about 3 months ago I lingered away in the wonderous world or retail. But alas, now I have joined the cubical rat race that has spawned more than half of the viewing audience to the sitcom "The Office," as well as more than three quarters of the viewing audience for "King of Queens." I have never watched "The Office," and I will NEVER watch "King of Queens."--(I was going to rip on "Everybody Loves Raymond" here, but I opted to give it a rare reprieve...look for scathing reference in the future).

I am thinking about having a "Mix Party" in August...not to be confused with a "Mixer." Instead, it would be a party where the invitees bring a "mix" to be judge by a panel of judges (namely me). Joel is 100% against this, for he feels Berger has already won. One word folks--*"Banana Phone." Details to follow...

I really need to try and attempt to finish a 10 minute play I have been working on. Subject matter? Sex. Deadline? June 26th. Likelihood of me having it done in time? Not very likely.

I have a strange hankering to play golf if there are any takers. Double D, I'm leaning towards you buddy. I haven't play in roughly 12 years. That's about as much golf as I can handle. Anyone interested whip out your putter and we'll tee it up.

I want to play golf? I must be sick...

*Banana Phone might in fact be two words.

Monday, June 11, 2007

The Return of Empty October Promises

Well folks it happened. All of my dreams come true. Not too many years ago I bought myself not only a jersey, but 2-- count them 2-- baseball gloves. Why 2 gloves one might ask...well one, I'm glad you asked. You see I have a blue one for the road and a red one for when I'm home. What does it say on the back of my jersey you may about MESA!

Hell Yeah!

It would seem that Pat Gillick is taking a page out of David Chase's book which can only read, "I hate the fans!

17-5 we were annihilated yesterday...was it all Jose Mesa's fault? I like to believe so, even if deep down I know that many other hands in the bullpen had a say in the matter.

I'm starting to believe that October baseball is a myth.