Tuesday, November 30, 2010

To Do List

Things to do tonight:

1. buy new cell phone
2. put up Christmas Tree
3. smash the fuck out of my old phone with a baseball bat…video to follow

Monday, November 29, 2010

What is Mead?

First off, let me start by saying, I know what mead is.

I have been hosting writing sessions for a new sketch comedy show, tentatively titled, "Joe's Unclipped Cock: (we're working on it - the tile, not getting Joe to alter his parts).

Tonight I pitched a piece called "Noah's Ark." It's not done, but I wanted the guys to get a feel for what I was working on. I think Joe hated it, but was taught at an early age not to talk with his mouth full. Brendan didn't seem to have any opinion other than, "Can we insult more religions?" And Anthony...well Anthony didn't know what "mead" was.

I thought he was kidding, but he wanted to "test audience" the word. So I told him to text 8 of his friends and I would texted 8 of mine and ask simply "what is mead?" We learned quickly, not what mead was, but who has the more informed friends. All but one of mine texted back with the correct answer. A variation on "a honey wine" or "a sweet beer" were given as answers. Anthony's friends however missed the mark a bit. Also he texted me as part of his sampling which definitely didn't help his cause, but made me laugh.

In the end the line stayed...but we realized also that Anthony & Joe don't know who Mary Jo Kopechne was. Do you? I'll give you a hint...Ted Kennedy + Mead =

Sunday, November 28, 2010

RIP Enrico Pallazzo

I was fortunate enough to meet Leslie Nielsen when he was making the rounds for his Bad Golf Made Easy videos. I was with my brother Erick & the great Jim McCabe. This was back in my quieter days (yes they existed). I was too shy to shout what I felt needed to be shouted, so I'd ply Jim with line.

Nielsen came in and everyone cheered. I whispered to Jim to yell "It's Enrico Pallazzo" which he did to many laughs. Even though I didn't say it, I felt a sense of accomplishment as the writer (even though I wrote nothing, just had a friend quote a line from someone else's screenplay). It was an odd day.

My favorite part of the day was Jim asking Leslie Nielsen to sign his photo: "To my snoogie lumps, Jim." Nielsen laughed and said "OK Jim." After we got out of line Jim looked and he wrote the same thing he wrote on Erick's & mine, "Lucks & Laughs, Leslie Nielsen." Jim was pissed!

Where ever you are tonight sir, I wish you lucks & laughs...and I hope NO ONE Dares call you Shirley.

Real or Fake

Lately, with a slight influx of new readers, people have been asking me "what is real and what is fake" on my blog...

...my advice, if you doubt the "reality", give it a squeeze.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Thanksgiving Day Parade (the continuing Saga)


You may want to read the two previous entries above for some back story...

Wednesday night Julie and I went out to Pizza By Elizabeth's in Wilmington, DE to wish our good friend Brian (who is moving to San Francisco) a "bon voyage." It's a cute pizza place where the theme is ALL things Elizabeth. Famous Elizabeths throughout time adorn the walls and even have pizzas named after them. It was a very enjoyable evening. Afterwards, everyone in our party seemed to be going to a local watering hole, Public House for more festivities. I assume that means drinking. I wasn't feeling right and decided sleep would be the best thing for me, so Julie and I decided to head home. A quick and quiet 20 minute drive saw us pulling down our "one way" street. It was then that we both saw the brake lights in front of our house.

"A little late for visitors," I spoke out loud. Julie asked me if I was expecting anyone.
I joked, "Well, tomorrow is the Macy's Day Parade."

Just then the door opened to a vintage, blue truck, with the California tags. I saw a boot step out of the drivers side and knew I wouldn't be sleeping this night. Scott stepped out, turned around and threw his arms up in the air. Kind of like he was hugging us while we were still in the car. For a split second I thought of ramming him. I pulled the car up and stopped. I rolled the window down as he walked to my side of the car.

"I thought you were sending a limo." I said as it dawned on me Scott had told me a couple of nights ago he'd be sending a limo to pick Julie and I up. I had completely forgot, or blocked it out of fear. Scott reached out something in his hand. It was only now I realized he had been holding a couple of cups of what appear to be Wawa coffee.

"I didn't think you'd come if I sent anyone else." He has his father's charm, but is definitely his own man. There's something about him that keeps me from being able to say "no" and making it stick. He pushes the cup towards me. "I don't drink coffee." I say smiling slightly, figuring I might have derailed his plans just a little bit. His smile grows wide and he pushes the cup a little more forcefully. "Hot Chocolate champ. It makes any situation easy to handle." I take it and drink it while softly saying, "You suck." Because he's right. He's always right.

"This is Izzy." Scott tells Julie and I as her we realize there is someone else present also holding a pair of coffees.
She hands one to Julie. "Scott says you're a vegan too. I used soy milk."

I am two parts shocked. The first part, that Scott knew Julie went Vegan in April, and the second that Izabella Miko from Coyote Ugly is standing in my driveway along with Scott Caan. But since it was the night before the Macy's Day Parade, I shouldn't have been surprised at all…and for those keeping score at home, Izabella is a Spanish Variant for the name Elizabeth.

We pile into Scott's vintage Ford Truck (which only seats 2 comfortably) and we head to NYC.

The drive seems to take no time at all. We get out and it's a little past 1 am. We are met by Scott's right hand man Leo. I still have never gotten Leo's last name. To be honest, I'm not sure his age or his ethnicity. But he reminds me of Q, the guy who makes weird gadgets for James Bond. That is, if Q looked exactly like Inspector Poirot from Agatha Christie. We were quickly ushered up to the ritzy penthouse at the SOHO Grand. Scott informs me his apartment was being sublet while he has been off filming Hawaii 5-O over the past 4 months.

Izzy takes Julie off to a corner of the room where I swear Kylie Minogue is standing.

"Kevin Regan," Scott's booming voice brings my focus back, "This is John Piper, vice president in charge of Macy's Parade." I shake hands with the executive.
"Mr. Regan. You're the one who caused all the trouble back in 2005." Piper smiled. But I think that was just because Scott was standing there. Otherwise, he'd probably be spitting venom. 5 years earlier, Scott lied and told everyone I was a balloon wrangler. That lie resulted in a rather "hairy" incident at the parade. It's been well documented if you'd like to look into it.
"Yes. I have stayed far away from all balloons since." I tell him somewhat embarrassed.
"This is Matt Hannifin. He'll be leading one of our prized floats this year." I notice the way Piper says "floats." It leads me to believe my use of the word "balloons" has not endeared me any more to this stuffed shirt.
Matt puts out his hand, "Buzz Lightyear."
"Uhhh….Kevin…Regan?" We shake.
"No," He laughs, "I mean, I'll be handling Buzz Lightyear."
"Oh! That makes more sense."

After some quick pleasantries and long introductions, we all hit the parade. Julie with Izzy and their new friend Kylie. I won't see any of them until long after Santa Claus has made his much awaited annual appearance on 34th St.

Once outside it starts to snow and I hope I'm dressed warm enough.

I am one of 56 people on Matt's "Buzz" crew. I am holding onto my reign as if my life depended on it, which based on Piper's earlier attitude, it did. I feel something slip into my back pocket. Scott whispers to me, "Hold on to that. I'll need you later." I turn as much as I can to see where Scott is going while the Pixar icon forces my motion forward. I lose Scott in the crowd. I have no idea what Scott slipped in my pocket, and I don't dare remove my hands from the reign to find out.

About two hours into the parade down 34th St, a fellow named Manny relieves me from the reign. I quickly pull out my camera and shoot the site I have been enjoying for much of the day.

As I attempt to bring my arms down, I realize they are almost floating away. I'm not in pain, but find it difficult to actually bring my arms to my side.

I see Matt give orders to the other wranglers and we make eye contact. He smiles and I know I did okay this year. He nods to me as my pants begin to vibrate. I pull my phone out to answer it and realize its not ringing. However my pants continue to vibrate. I stick my hand in my back pocket having completely forgotten that Scott stuck something in there a couple hours ago. It's a cell phone. I answer it.

"Yo Philly! Get to Taxi Cab float ASAP!" The voice commands.

It's not Scott and it's not Leo. I've met SO many new people today (as is always the case with Scott) but I can't place the voice. "Piper?" I ask. But the line is already dead.

I see the Taxi Float which has yet to start it's route. I make a bee line for it cutting through the crew wrangling the Smurf Float.

I take a quick shot since I still have my camera in hand. I am careful not to bump any of the wranglers as I seem to be throwing a perfect game with the floats so far.

"Kevin!" I turn camera in hand and snap off a shot of the person who just called my name. it's Jimmy Fallon.

Weird! I slowly walk towards him thinking he must be talking to someone else.
He shakes my hand and says, "We need you to keep an eye on him. He's a handful, but Scott says you can keep him in line."
I'm star struck but also curious as to what the hell the Late Night host is talking about.
"Who?" I turn as Jimmy points.


Oh. Hell. No!

"Seriously, he was going on earlier about how Santa Claus hates black people," Jimmy says. I can't tell if he's kidding or not. But he doesn't laugh or even break a smile.
"How the fuck do I keep Kanye West in line?" I ask.

Fallon shrugs.

Just then I see a hot chocolate vendor. I smile and wonder if Scott had every detail planned from when I met him out front of my house all those hours ago. He really is part Jedi.

Kanye was well behaved the rest of the day...I think the marshmallows helped.

Monday, November 22, 2010

New Profile Photo

Please note my new profile photo. I name it either:

"Bored at the theatre" (note the pretentious spelling)


"Kerry will hate this!"

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Busy Weekend, Crazy Holiday Approaching

So the weekend started off with Julie and I watching 2 of our neighbors being put into the back of the Medical Examiners truck. I'll assume this wasn't a drill that was being run and assume there's a house down the street going on the market real soon...that sounds a bit callus I know, but it's also inaccurate, the house is already for sale.

Last night I went to see my friends TS & Daryan in a play directed by another friend, Todd. The play was "Coyote on a Fence" and it was amazing. It presents both sides of the death penalty argument, and really makes you think deeply about the subject matter long after you've left the theater. From there Julie and I cruised to Tattooed Mom's on South St for some late night vegan food.

This morning I put the Christmas lights on the house as the weather was a bit warm. I figured, I'd put them up and leave them off as opposed to waiting until the freezing temps roll in and then loose a couple fingers decorating the house. I then watched Harry Potter movies the rest of the day. I jumped on the computer to find out a concert I wanted to go to next weekend is sold out. I was buying tix for me and 2 other people, so I had to wait until I had enough $ to do it. Unfortunately I have the $ and no tix. I also have been fighting with a website for post cards for "the Clink," my web series...it's been a pain in the ass.

So that was my weekend and my night...until...my phone rang.

Not my cell phone, but my house phone.

Not a big deal you'd say, but here's the thing, about 4 months ago (maybe more) we got a new land line. We got a package deal with our cable and internet service, but couldn't keep our old number. We saved enough that it was worth while to ditch the old number. There is no forwarding number so no one has the new number. I mean NO ONE! OK, not no one. Joel, Bosco & Jim all have it. If you check your caller ID you might too (if I've called you). Neither my, nor Julie's parents have it. Just an oversight we'll soon correct.

So when the phone rang tonight, I figured it is one of a few people or a wrong number. But the area code was a "323" area code. Got to be a wrong number:

Me: "Hello?"
Voice: "Are you naked?"
Me: "Oh fuck!"
Voice: "I'm usually naked when I fuck." (Laughter)
Me: "How did you get this number?"
Voice: "I have my ways. Why did you change it?"
Me: "To avoid you."
Voice: "Didn't work."
Me: "Apparently not. What do you want?"
Voice: "What are you and Julie doing next Thursday?"
Me: "No!"
Voice: "What?"
Me: "We're not doing it?"
Voice: "You don't even know what I'm going to ask."
Me: "The fuck I don't, Scott. We are not coming to New York again."
Scott Caan: "I'm sending a car. You won't even have to drive."
Me: "Don't send a car, because we aren't fucking coming."
Scott Caan: "That's fine. If you don't want to come you just tell the driver you're not coming. The driver who drove ALL The way from New York City the night before Thanksgiving. Tell him he wasted his time and he can turn around and head on home. I hope you'll be kind enough to let him use the bathroom before his long drive back."
Me: "You fucker!"


Me: "Hello?"


Me: "Goddammit!"
Scott Caan: "Did you think I hung up?"
Me: "I hate you!"
Scott Caan: "See you next Thursday!"


To be continued...