Tuesday, November 21, 2017

2 Days...

OK. Now it's officially weird.

I opened my LOCKED car door this morning (which I'm certain was locked last night). And sitting on the passenger seat was a "TOP SECRET" folder with a bunch of information regarding the Olaf float debuting in Thursday's Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.


The information within the folder contained tons of typos and some of it was written in what looked like crayon, so I'm not buying it.

But just in case, 
I'm not going to go further with what was inside. There were "For Your Eye's Only" warnings all over the place and whoever did this WAS able to get into my car without a key.

I don't want to accidentally start some international incident. And based on the info inside, it IS international!

There was a handwritten note which read:

"Expect SC tomorrow."

I'm nervous...and a bit scared, but at least the "SC" mystery comes to an end tomorrow.



Monday, November 20, 2017

3 Days...

It's been awfully quiet on the "SC" front.

Though, I was awoken last night to the TV downstairs. It's possible Julie or I left it on after going to bed.


There was a Hawaii Five-0 marathon on, however I don't see how this could be related.




Saturday, November 18, 2017

4 Days (Technically 5...Was Mistaken About My Mistake)

No new developments.
Perhaps SC takes off on Saturdays?

Friday, November 17, 2017

5 Days...

Found another Post It note this morning. I'm not sure if it's new or was from a couple days ago. 



Rather than simply toss it in the trash, I examined this one a little bit more carefully.


On the surface it seems like Santa Claus is going to pay me an early visit Thursday morning. Hence the "SLEiGH" and the initials "SC." However, I started to dig a bit and this is the theory I came up with:


Since Lyft is NOT an Irish company called "O'LYFT" I typed it into Google and it said:


Did you mean: Olaf

I didn't. But perhaps I should.


So far the two words that have been in quotes from the Post It notes were "SLEiGH" and "FROZEN." This makes sense in the context of the film Frozen (Kristoff rides around selling ice in his "sleigh"). Plus all this talk of GLOVES (Elsa is forced to wear "gloves" to cut down on freezing the things she touches).

When Google asked if I meant Olaf, I clicked through and found this little bit of information:


'Frozen' snowman Olaf tapped to debut as a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade


AHAAAA!!!

Weird messages. Getting up at 2AM. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

There's something familiar about all of this...I feel like I'm close to figuring out the mystery behind this "SC" character.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

7 Days...(or 6 Technically)

I saw this text when I got out of the shower this morning.

I'm starting to catch on...


Wednesday, November 15, 2017

8 Days...


This morning, sitting on my front porch were a pair of gloves and a note which read:

"These gloves will help your grip and keep your fingers from being 'FROZEN'."

Not exactly sure what it is they're referring to, but I have my suspicions.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

9 Days...

Just got a weird phone call.

Familiar voice on the Phone:

"Listen. In 9 days, a new balloon needs protecting. You in?"

I asked something like, "Huh?"

Then dial tone.

...there was something familiar about that voice.




Monday, November 13, 2017

Yes, We All Have Podcasts (Please Listen To Mine)



Yes. It's true. Everyone has a Podcast.

When you're born, you're now given a Social Security number and a podcast.

Steve, Eoin, Jessie and I have been doing this podcast EVERY week for almost a year (with a special guest each week).

You should listen. Seriously. I think you'd fuckin' love it!

And if you do listen, SHARING and/or REVIEWING it would be much appreciated.


iTunes LINK

Soundcloud LINK

Stitcher LINK

Link LINK (Unrelated to Podcast)


Monday, October 30, 2017

There's No Such Thing As Halloween Music


Let me ask you a question, Halloween Music or Christmas Music?
*Keeping in mind, there has only ever actually been one Halloween song, "The Monster Mash."

What's that? You disagree? Well then, read on...

According to the leading authority of various genres of music, "Drew's Famous Party Music," the following tracks are on the original Halloween mix:

1. Monster Mash (we spoke of this already).
It was a graveyard smash. Not much else to say...though this bit over the course of 5 years on ComedyBang Bang is worth checking out:



2. Ghostbusters.
No. No. No. No. No!!!!!!
First of all, the original Ghostbusters was released in June of 1984, so not even a Halloween movie! If you want to watch it at Halloween, I'll support it. In fact it's a terrific movie, so you can watch it every day of the year! BUT, that song is not a Halloween song. It's not even an original piece!

We all know that Ray Parker Jr. was sued for ripping off Huey Lewis and the News, and therefore Huey is a co-writer credit on the tune.

3. The Time Warp.
Come on! Just because YOU didn't watch Rochy Horror Picture Show 2, sometimes 3 times a day when you were a junior in High School, doesn't automatically relegate it to the labe l of being a Halloween movie. Therefore it's most famous song can't get dragged down that road either.

Great song, every day!


4. Macho Man.
The Village People! Look, other them being a band of walking costumes (some racially intensity by today's standards), there's not much else about them that reeks of All Hallow's Eve.

That said, "Macho Man Randy Savage" is ALWAYS as killer Halloween costume.
*Maybe not a literal killer costume. If you're looking for that might I suggest Jimmy Superfly Snuka.


5. Bad Moon Rising.
Don't be an April Fool. Written by John Fogerty and recorded by Creedence Clearwater Revival, this song came out on the 4th month of1969, not the 11th. Just because there's a moon doesn't make it Halloweenie.

6. Purple People Eater.
Sounds like it's about S'ing a D, but it's merely about aliens. If pushed hard enough, I'd say OK this can be a Halloween song. But Is that really a win?


7. Rock Lobster.
What the fuck! How the hell did this B-52s ditty end up labeled a Halloween song? Because it opens up "We were at a party..."? Seriously, there are other parties than Halloween parties.

This song is an amazing song. Sorry Halloween, you don't get to randomly stake claims to it.


8. Hot Hot Hot.
Another party. Another NON-Halloween song.

9. Soul Man.
What in the fucking hell?!?
Did some one confuse Samhain with Sam & Dave?
The answer is NO HALLOWEEN!

10. Let's Go Dancin'
Do you know what this is? No? Me either.
Kool & The Gang isn't writing Halloween songs.

11. Disco Inferno

Because of "inferno?" You could make the argument that this is more of a 4th of July song. Not Halloween.

12. Twilight Zone.
Wait! The theme song to a show? You can't just co-opt a song and label it a Halloween song.

Oh, it's NOT the theme song? It's a random dance song that has nothing to do with anything? OK...that too.


13. Don't Leave Me This Way
More disco...was Halloween invented in the 70s? I mean, I was invented in the 70s, so maybe it was too...I have no frame of reference before then.

This weird Thelma Houston song isn't a Halloween song... mean not even along the lines of most of the songs that came before this track. It's as if this was a freebie that Drew is tossing at you. Like his sister's demo or something. Don't be fooled, NOT HALLOWEEN!


14. Super Freak.
Super NO!

15. Stayin' Alive.
The title has NOTHING to do with what you think it does if you're calling this a Halloween song.


16. Spooky.
Jesus.



Look. I'd consider having a debate about Halloween vs Christmas, but when it comes to the music part...there's no contest.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

πŸ’˜"I'm Wild and Looking To Hookup Tonight"πŸ’–πŸ’‹πŸ’˜πŸ’˜


"I'm Wild and looking to Hookup Tonight"

While continuing to clear my "SPAM" folder (now with quotes as to put emphasis on the fact that a "SPAM" folder is not completely filled with SPAM), I came across not one, not two, but THREE emails from Jessica.

How I picture Jessica typing to me.
(As well as all of you who comment)

In Jessica's first email she simply states the following (and previously mention) in her email subject line:


"I'm Wild and looking to Hookup Tonight"
(NOTE: pink coloring added by Editor)

OK... a few things:
  1. Is "hookup" one word? 
  2. It's odd that the words "Wild," "Hookup," and "Tonight" all begin with capital letters, however "looking" can go right ahead and fuck itself!
  3. Based on the random capitalization, perhaps the lack of putting emphasis on the work "looking" implies Jessica is in fact blind and asking for help "hookingup" (still one word?) something. Oh, maybe they got the new X-finity voice command remote control. Personally, I love it.
  4. WAIT! Where else do we see "rando-caps?" Yep, ransom notes! Maybe Jessica is being held captive against her will! (NOTE: abbreviating "random" to "Rando" saves absolutely NO time and just ends up looking like a typo. Signed your friendly Edito) <--- Actual Typo
The body of the email goes on to say:

"To UNSUBSCRIBE please Click Here"


OR 

Reply to this mail


(NOTE: font and color exactly as presented in email. Hey, it's me the Editor again)

I gotta say, pretty limiting on the options here. 
  • I can't actual confirm I'm interested in said "hookup."
  • I can't confirm an arrival time to make sure it's not an inconvenient time for "hookingup."
  • In fact, I can't even find out where this "hookup" is to take place.

    All I can do is unsubscribe by clicking the link or mailing a personlized letter (to an address I have not been provided).
Oh well. Sorry Jessica. Best of luck with your X-finity voice command remote.

******************************

But wait...there's another email from Jessica:

"Do not message me - Move On I WILL REPORT YOU..!!"

Wait, WHAT?!?

This hardly seems fair! Is it because I was a bit slow in my response regarding the "hookup?" I'm sorry. It was in my SPAM...er, my "SPAM" folder!

Also, these two emails were a mere 2 days apart. I mean, if you're asking me for a favor, you have to allow me a bit of control on the time table, right?

The email continues:

"Please stop emailing me your photos. I am engaged now.
We broke up a long time ago. MOVE ON!
You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche
F***k You..!!"

What photos? And you're engaged since two days ago when you wanted to "hookup?" WTF, Jessica?

"We broke up a long time ago."

So long, I don't even remember you. That's what happens to the mind as we get older I suppose.

"You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche
F***k You..!!"

Hold on a second, haven't I heard this some where before? Wait, is this Riley?!? Or Erina? Let me check that email address...

FvVOlegQ@vbwhfdyj.yd
via onlinedrugclass.com

Huh, I don't remember taking an online drug class...Well, my apologies on the missed opportunity for "hookingup." Hope everything works out well with the remote. Also, congrats on the engagement.

******************************
But finally, one last email from 
Jessica:

"Hey You! I am so lucky to find you."

So we're cool? I'll admit, I was worried there for a minute, but I guess we can remain friends.

How are you doing today?

I'm good. A little tired to be honest.

My name is Jessica. I am 22 years old . 

Oh. Okay. I knew you're name was Jessica because you wrote it in all your emails. I'll be honest, I didn't know that you were 22. I'm not being ageist or anything, but shouldn't a 22 year old be pretty equipped to set up her own remote control? Oh wait, are you blind? Was I right the first time?

I got your email from one of the mutual friends in facebook. 

Oh, I'm not sure I like people just giving out my email in such a rando fashion...random, I mean random.

I think you're cute and very brutal,

Well, that's nice...I think. What do you mean "brutal?" Are you referring to some of my posts "in facebook?" I know, I can get carried away. I just am not a fan of Donald Trump and feel like his policies do more to drive this country apart than pull it together. I guess I could clean up my language a bit...but hey, I'm glad you like it.

I like that kind of guys.

Oh...cool. I'm into grammar, but hey, whatever I guess.

I just looking to know you more, maybe start with whatsApp ?
Please don't let me without answer.

Oh. My. God. Elon Musk is right! You're a robot! A robot is trying to fuck me!!! Johnny-Five alive!!!!


Wait, why the fuck doesn't a robot know how to hook up their X-finity?

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

"I WILL REPORT YOU. YOU PIECE OF S***..."

"I WILL REPORT YOU. YOU PIECE OF SHIT..."

Got your attention, right? Me too! That's was the title of an email in my SPAM folder. I like to clear my SPAM folder every so often (as well as spell "SPAM" in all CAPS). Admittedly, I rarely look at the emails...but sometimes I wonder, hat if they're important, as this one clearly is!

I had to dig deeper into the email sent from:
Riley Johnson πŸ’˜ erina@xioylkk.cnyuioncop.it


"Stop stalking me and my friend or I will report you."


Wow! I'm stalking someone? I mean, sure I check Paul F. Tompkin's Twitter account just about every day (sometimes multiple times), but I wouldn't call that stalking.

As for this lady and her friend, I've never heard of them before...

"You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche. I do not know why you are doing this!"

A piece of shit, a cock-sucker, AND a douche? That's the trifecta! I must have wronged these ladies in the most grievous fashion...

"You slept together once, only once. It does not mean anything."

Hello! Now we're getting to the good stuff. But wait...I know I have never slept with anyone named Riley or Erina...by the way, is Riley using Erina's email? Does Erina know? I don't want to pry, but that seems a bit inappropriate.

Also, why would you say only sleeping together once doesn't mean anything?

Look, the Phillies have only won 1 World Series since the 80s, I assure you it's QUITE meaningful to me! 2008 Forever!

"Have not you heard of hook up?"
Wait, what the hell just happened? Did William Shakespeare just start using Erina's email address? Like can anyone use it?

"So, f*** off and leave us alone
F*** You."

OK, fine. Jeez! I get it...I'll just delete this email.

I would, however, like to thank you for using f*** as opposed to spelling out the word F-U-C-K.

Shit, cock-sucker, and douche I can handle, but an F-word would have been untoward.

(*I'll continue to post as I clear my SPAM folder)

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

Gordon Holmes Goes Through A Table (AKA - The Happiest Day of My Life)



I posted this short little clip from the web series The League (no NOT that League) on Facebook this afternoon.

It shows Damon Betz as "Captain Hillbilly" throw Gordon Holmes as "The Blue Shadow" AKA Todd Britches through a table.

Since posting it, it has been suggested that since The Blue Shadow is masked, there's no proof that this is in fact Gordon Holmes.

Allow me to present:

EXHIBIT A: The Blue Shadow - 

Clearly Gordon's hair.

A clear shot of the cast of the League: Kerry McElrone, Gordon Holmes, and Jim Burns. The only "fakery" in this photo is Jim's mustache.

That is undoubtedly Gordon's hair.

But Kevin, the mask...and the shot is rather far away. That really could be a stunt double with "stunt hair."

What the fuck is stunt hair?


EXHIBIT B: The Blue Shadow (Close up) - 



Come on! Look at the hair!
This is closer...and THAT is Gordon's hair. That's also the cheap ass black jacket and tie I bought when we started the series back in 2008.

Still, it could be anyone with a wig...albeit a perfect wig.


EXHIBIT C: Gordon Taping His Arm -


Also the Hair!
Literally go to the tape and compare!

But the stunt double also would have had his arms taped up!


What kind of budget do you think we had on this shit?!?

EXHIBIT D: Gordon in the Ring -



PROOF! AND HAIR!
This is literally seconds before we shot the take of him going through the table! There's no denying this photo!

Well...it's kind of blurry.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?

If you had a clear photo of him without the mask in wrestling outfit, maybe...

Like this:


EXHIBIT E: Mother F-ing Go-Ho!




Oh yeah...that's totally him. Who was it that suggested it wasn't actually Gordon, anyway?

That would have been Belly 2 Belly episode writer, Gordon Holmes.




Here's the full episode if you're curious:





Monday, September 25, 2017

Don't Eat Elephants!

Where on earth does a child learn such odd behavior?



























Oh right. That makes sense.


Friday, September 8, 2017

First Day of School

Yesterday was Kit's first day of Pre-school. The first time she was in a structured classroom setting (for the entire day!) I'll jump to the ending, she did great! But for a minute or two, I wasn't sure how it would turn out.

First - she fell asleep the night before at approximately 5:30pm. WTF?!? This HAS happened before, but it's extremely rare. She slept over 12 freaking hours! So when she woke up, she was extremely pleasant and agreeable.

Second - I got her cheerios for breakfast, but then she walked across the room and picked up Bisquick that happened to be sitting out and announced, "I want pancakes." Julie, happy to make Kit's first day of school special, quickly whipped up vegan pancakes (which isn't as quick or easy as it sounds). Kit ate her pancakes AND cereal!



Third - getting dressed. Always a potential challenge. Kit is usually up for wearing whatever you suggest, but she's also three and often remembers that. This day, she wore what Julie had laid out for her with no objections. She even let us do her hair, which is always a risky gambit.

Fourth - the Photo. Of course we took it. About 8 of them in various locations.


Finally Five - the drop off. Went off without a hitch.

Julie and I were shocked. We spent the rest of the morning at Frankie's on Fairview (of MacDade Blvd), and then went home where I vacuumed and mopped the kitchen floor. The we went clothes shopping. Then to lunch. All biding our time before picking Kit up from school.

When 3 o'clock finally came around we picked our daughter up by walking into her classroom as required. As Kit said goodbye to her teacher with a handshake (also required so the teacher knows when each kid has been picked up), the teacher asked, "Kit, what kind of pet do you have?" Julie and I stood in the back of the room listening to our sweet, precious child lie! "Well," which is how Kit starts almost every sentence, "I don't have a pet, but if I did, I'd want a chicken."


What the hell?!?

For the record, we have 5 rescued cats (indoors) and 1 feral (outdoor) who we take care of (by we, I am including Kit!)

Our kitchen looks more yellow in photos than it is in reality.
So now apparently, I have to look into rescuing chickens...though knowing Julie's track record, she'll find one (or ten) while driving home from work tonight.

Monday, July 17, 2017

ComedySportz & The Punch Up Podcast (MASH UP!)


This Saturday (July 22nd) is the 25th Anniversary of ComedySportz in Philadelphia. It's the longest running show in Philly!!!

I have been extremely fortunate to have been a cast member since 2011 and a Board Member for about the same amount of time. 


In my time with CSz Philadelphia, I have met some of the kindest, funniest, and most talented people in the city...and also Joe Sabatino.

If you're able to make it to the special 25th Anniversary match(es) this Saturday night (7pm or 9:30pm) located at The Mandell Theater on Drexel University's campus, I highly encourage you to do so! I have been working with some of the best and brightest to produce this momentous night. So cancel your eff-ing plans and do this!!!

Get your tickets by CLICKING here.

Last week and this week, The Punch Up Podcast has been hosting players, to tell their ComedySportz origin stories.  Here's mine...no spider bites, no alien rings, and no dead parents in an alley way. Just good old fashion "Yes, And."


Thursday, July 6, 2017

Reunions vs Insecurities

When my 5 year High School reunion came around in 1999, I had no intention of going. And I didn't. Not that I didn't like High School, but I knew it was more than just my friends that I'd be revisiting, I would also be reunited with all of my insecurities - of which there are many.
I was still enrolled in college and was still working the same retail job I had at the end of High School (though now in management). I was however in a new relationship in which I had high hopes.

Then my 10 year reunion rolled around. It was 2004. I had reconnected with a lot of classmates on Facebook and decided I was going to go to the reunion. I even told a few people I would be there. To make things even easier, the reunion was being hosted at a bar only a handful of blocks from where I was living. But, though we're not friends on Facebook, my insecurities "poked" me reminding me they were still around.

I was STILL working that same retail job, just a different location. Never mind that I was really good at it. I was in an apartment not a house. I also wasn't working in Hollywood, which would for a long time be the measuring stick I'd fall way short of...of course I had been making short films with my partner Joel, as well as working in some pretty spectacular theatrical productions...oh yeah, and I married that pretty awesome lady from the relationship 5 years earlier.

Tick, tock, tick, tock...then it's 15 years, 2009. I don't recall my excuse for this one at all. I guess at that point I had given up on even fooling myself into thinking I was going to go.

I was no longer working in retail, but rather at a Fortune 500 company - though you wouldn't know it from my paycheck. My wife and I were home owners. I had a pretty successful web series, with another one on the horizon. But still those insecurities were getting older and wiser.

Boom! 20 years! 2014.
I have a kid.
I go.

Is that the difference? Is that why I was able to say, "You know what? Fuck this! I'm going."

I see a bunch of people I haven't seen (other than on Facebook) in 20 years! --- That's fucking crazy! I'm not old enough to have not seen people I was extremely close with in 20 fucking years!

But there I was. I left all my insecurities behind...but they caught an Uber. Halfway through the evening, they appeared. And not just mine. It seemed everyone's came too. Uber had a carpool rate. Halfway though the night, I watched as all of the cliques started to reform. Nobody was pushed into a locker and no wedgies were given, but slowly people started to gravitate to the people they were most comfortable with. Never mind that most of us have kids, and mortgages, and bad knees, and gray hair (if we have any at all). The same unspoken worries connect us all, yet we all reverted right back to 1994 as those insecurities drank on our tab.

Jump ahead 3 more years, to two weeks ago - Saturday June 24th.


A reunion.


Not mine. So zero insecurities.

My wife's reunion. Not High School. But a group closer than High Schoolers could ever be. You HAVE to go to High School, but Pulsations was a place where so many young "outsiders" in High School could feel comfortable in their own skin. Call them freaks, or misfits, or punks, or whatever, they were all kids going through many of the same things, together.



A wonderful reunion was put together at Bar XI (Used to be Mojo 13) because Pulsations is no longer around (a retirement home is in it's place, which I like to point out to my wife). The night celebrated all of the "kids" who used to hang out at Pulsations as well as Steve Singer who would spin the records they would dance to.



I "people watched" throughout the night and noticed how comfortable everybody seemed with each other. 20 some odd years later, and it seemed like these old friends had just seen each other in the alternative room last Sunday night.

Though some have remained close, there didn't see to be any cliques within the group. Just everyone getting together to dance and have a good time.


Julie had spoken so highly of so many of these faceless names I was now able to meet. Of course there were a handful of them I had already met. Everyone of them, new and old, was kind and welcoming to me, the new outsider.



And their music was pretty okay, too.

At some point during the night, watching my wife dancing from across the bar, I realized this is her ComedySportz.



Everyone belongs somewhere. It's an amazing thing when you find those places, because insecurities can't afford the cover charge.


************************************

OKAY, some truth for you: I actually started writing this a few days after the reunion. Then I decided not to post it. I'm not exactly sure why. A lot of time I hide behind comedy when I want to say anything or meaning, and this post isn't particularly funny. For every 10 blogs I post, I probably delete 1 for that same reason.

Insecurities? Probably.

Then last night, Julie found out one of her friends from Pulsations (and the reunion two weeks ago) passed away suddenly.


Now it feels like not posting it because the writing isn't from a comedic point of view is disingenuous.

I'm very grateful that Julie got to go to this reunion and see her friend one last time. I'm glad that any insecurities she may have felt were beaten back allowing her this opportunity. I'm also honored to have been adopted by this fine group of people, and look forward to going to the next Pulsations reunion.

Don't let your insecurities keep you from doing something you love.

Friday, June 2, 2017

Spelling Bee - A Lifetime Original

I'm not going to pretend that I didn't get super excited midway through and think this show might become a real thing!

But alas, no one has yet committed.

I am a bit surprised it didn't get just a little bit more traction:





I guess to get any real notice on Twitter, you have to be a cartoony evil billionaire who's constantly putting our planet in peril.

Well, at least Anna Faris liked it.





Seriously, you think she'd play the voice of the agent?

(as seen on twitter.com/YourHeroKevin)

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

mis·di·rec·tion/misdΙ™ΛˆrekSHΙ™n/


Donald Trump: Oh man! The walls are closing in around me. This Russian thing won't go away. Soon they'll know the truth and then I'm done! What can I do to throw the public off the scent?

(TWEETS)

Donald Trump: My work is done here.