Wednesday, February 5, 2020

CLICK Through to Save the World



From time to time, I'll CLICK on the "Promoted" posts on Twitter. If for no other reason then to keep someone employed whose job it is to TRICK people into clicking on those links.

I do it because they can have hidden little gems in there. Today was no different:

I clicked on a link called "My Daily Magazine." That's a terrible titled for various reasons, not least of which is that there's no way there is a print publication of this "Magazine."

The article boasts that it provides hints in nature to alert the reader when something bad is going to happen. For example the sky turning green before a thunderstorm rolls in, or that brightly covered bugs/snakes tend to be poisonous


You know, things you'd have learned in Cub Scouts or Brownies if modern parents weren't so petrified about sending their kids out into the real world!

My favorite is a section is titled, "The Ocean Roar." That informative bit goes on to state:


"Usually, the ocean waves make a beautifully calming sound that plenty of people like to sleep to. But on occasion, the ocean roars like a train."

Okay. Not the best constructed sentence, but I'm with you.

"If you hear this unusual sound, chances are that a tsunami is coming toward you. The ocean is dangerous enough without a tsunami rushing to the coast, so get away immediately."

Daaaaamn, Gina!


Oh, it gets darker!

"While most tsunamis are caused by underwater earthquakes, a meteorite crashing into the ocean can launch a wave around the world. It is said that 3.5 billion years ago, a huge asteroid hit Earth, causing giant tsunamis to roam the oceans." 


Holy Shit! Where do we run?
Also, is that baby Superman coming from Krypton?

This is my favorite part:

"Hopefully, we’ll be able to shoot down any asteroids trying to do the same today."


I'm sure our new Space Force has this under control.

Fuck Cub Scouts and Brownies, maybe we should all go to Space Camp! If for no other reason than to have learned that a "meteorite" and an "asteroid" are not the same thing.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Hypocrisy / Moral Dilemma / Irony

Hypocrisy / Moral Dilemma / Irony


Having a hard time distinguishing between Hypocrisy, Moral Dilemma, and Irony? Me too. But maybe this helps:

hy·poc·ri·sy
/həˈpäkrəsē/
noun
  1. the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.
    "his target was the hypocrisy of suburban life"



Example: Being "Pro-Life," until YOU need an abortion!



mor·al di·lem·ma
noun
  1. a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two courses of action, either of which entails transgressing a moral principle.
    "the nursing staff face a moral dilemma almost every day"



Example: Being against "All-Gender Bathrooms," but REALLY having to poop!




i·ro·ny
/ˈīrənē/
noun
  1. the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.
    "“Don't go overboard with the gratitude,” he rejoined with heavy irony"

    • a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
      plural noun: ironies
      "the irony is that I thought he could help me"
      a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
      noun: dramatic irony; plural noun: tragic irony



  2. Example: Being for MUCH stronger Gun Control Laws, but also wanting to pass a law which requires the "Sopranos" lower case "r" to be represented in *ALL fonts!

  3. For the record, this one is 100% me.







    (*EXCEPT WINGDINGS)



Monday, January 13, 2020

Support Your Local Library




New York Public Library recently released a list of the TOP 10 books checked out in its 125 year history.

I'm both ecstatic and grossed out. 


Ecstatic because I have read 9 or the 10 books on the list! That never happens to me! Especially since having had a kid. But since over half of the books on the list are children's books, I had an edge.

Grossed Out because 485,583 check outs is 4,855,830 potential booger fingers!
(Do people pick their noses with their thumbs?)


The books are as follows:

1. 
The Snowy Day,” by Ezra Jack Keats (485,583 checkouts)

2. “The Cat in the Hat,” by Dr. Seuss (469,650)

3. 
“1984,” by George Orwell (441,770)

4. 
“Where The Wild Things Are,” by Maurice Sendak (436,016)

5. 
“To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee (422,912)

6. 
“Charlotte's Web,” by E.B. White (337,948)

7. 
“Fahrenheit 451,” by Ray Bradbury (316,404)

8. 
“How To Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie (284,524)

9. 
“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone,” by J.K. Rowling (231,022)

10. “The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” by Eric Carle (189,550)


Harry Potter being on the list is pretty impressive as it was only published in 1997. For reference, "How To Win Friends and Influence People" (the only book on the list I've never read) was released in 1936!


Support your local library today!
But first, blow your nose!!!


Friday, January 10, 2020

There Are Two Types of People

(AP Photo/Vincent Thian)

There are two types of people:

1. Those who say "Birdie"
2. Those who say "Shuttlecock"

...oh, and

3. Those who don't talk about badminton... 
(So there are three types of people)



Japan's Kento Momota hits a return shot against China's Huang Yu Xiang during Malaysia Master men's single quarterfinal in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Friday, Jan. 10, 2020.
(AP Photo/Vincent Thian)

Thursday, January 9, 2020

I HATE This Photo For Three Reasons:

Admittedly, I original read this as "4 Things to Do To Put $1,000+ in the Bank."
However, I think my complaints still apply.

 

I HATE this photo for three reasons:

1. It says "...once you have 1000+ in the bank..." this is WAAAAY more than 1000+. Assuming those are bundles of one hundred $100 bills, this is about three million dollars. Tagging anything over a million bucks as $1000+ is crazy and probably the thought process behind the majority of conservatives being against higher taxes for the 1%.

2. This is clearly NOT a bank, but rather a Mansion's Private Money Closet.

3. Much like the wealth in this country, the lighting is disproportional leaving those on the bottom in the dark.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Business Cards


Last night, I was cleaning out one of my daughter's "Art Drawers."

In it, I found one of my business cards that I had given to her a few months ago.

She made some notations on it:



Then I turned it over and found the following:


It reads: "Toot, Poop" and her (at the time) 5 year old attempt at "Toilet." 


This made me realize two things:


1. My daughter has NO idea what I do for a living.

or
2. My daughter knows EXACTLY what I do for a living!

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

The Perils of The Ghostbusters Lyrics


If there's something strange in your neighborhood
Who you gonna call? 


I mean that depends on the specifics, right?
Are we talking about a downed power line? Because then I'd call PECO, or some electrical company representative to let them know.

Or if it's a mysterious package, I'll call the police and report it. Sure, we're like 18 years removed from 9/11, but still, "see something, say something" continues to be a good practice.


Now, if we're talking about a creepy looking guy in trench coat, I'll probably assess the whether. Is rain expected? Is it too warm for such wardrobe? Is it simply Mrs. Bradley off of her meds again? There's much to be considered.

Though, if it's Mr. Bradley in the trench coat, I'll likely call the Ghostbusters, because he died three Summers ago.


If there's something weird
And it don't look good
Who you gonna call?


Again, very vague. 

I mean right now, those spotted lantern flies are pretty goddamn weird.


And after stepping on them, we know who to call and report the sighting to: the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture. Or, the hotline set up by Penn State University,1-888-4BAD-FLY.


I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost


See, if you said that once, I'd have believed you. But repeating it makes me question your sincerity.

If you're seeing things running through your head
Who you gonna call?


A psychologist!

Unless you mean, literally running through my head, then a dermatologist! Because lice, like the Wu Tang Clan, ain't nothin' to fuck with.


An invisible man
Sleeping in your bed
Who you gonna call?


An intruder is sleeping in my bed! I'll call the police!

...wait, how can I see they're sleeping in my bed if they're invisible in the first place?

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost


Yeah. I...I know.

Who you gonna call?

Look, I'm starting to think you're just lonely.

If you're all alone
Pick up the phone
And call...


Do you just need someone to talk to? I have a good psychologist I can recommend.

I ain't afraid of no ghost

I know! No one is saying you are!

I hear it likes the girls


What?!? That's fucked up! Seriously, I don't think I EVER realized that was the lyric.

I ain't afraid of no ghost

Don't go changing the subject now.
This apparition sounds like a goddamn creep, and not in the typical creepy "ghost" way, but rather in like a "Ghost Dad" starring Bill Cosby way!

Yeah yeah yeah yeah

So you agree! It's a Cosby type ghost?!?

Okay, let's think about this a moment. We need to report this ghost's behavior.


Who ya gonna call?


I don't know! That's what I'm trying to figure out. The police? Hannibal Buress?

If you've had a dose of a freaky ghost baby
You better call...


A dose? Ghost baby?
You mean you think he's impregnated some of these aforementioned girls? HOLY SHIT! This goes fucking deep! 


Lemme tell ya something...

Go on...

Bustin' makes me feel good!

"Bustin'?" You mean bustin' a nut?

...WHAT THE FUCK?!? 
Have you been the ghost this whole time?!?

I ain't afraid of no ghost
I ain't afraid of no ghost


Our mere mortal laws can't even touch you, can they?
What do you want from me?


Don't get caught alone no no

I'm not joining forces with you, you piece of shit!
You're on your own!


When it comes through your door
Unless you just want some more


Are you threatening me now, you piece of garbage?

I think you better call 

Oh, I'm going to call! I'LL CALL EVERYONE I KNOW, BUDDY!


Who ya gonna call? 

I just told you, EVERYBODY!


Who ya gonna call? 

I'm not giving you specifics! I don't need to disclose my game plan to you, ya dirty rape ghost! This isn't a court! You have no constitutional right to know what evidence I'll use against you here!


I think you better call 

Look, I'm dialing right now!

Who ya gonna call?

Are you fucking deaf?

I can't hear you...

...holy shit, you are deaf!

I'm so sorry.
You haven't heard me this whole time, have you?

Wait a second...Mr. Bradley?
Is that you?

Who ya gonna call?

Oh my God. Mr. Bradley, I'm going to call your son Thomas. I...I think he might know what to do...

Louder

I SAID I'M GOING TO CALL YOUR SON THOMAS. HE STARTED STUDYING THE OCCULT AFTER YOU PASSED AWAY. HE'S BEEN TRYING TO FIND A WAY TO CONTACT YOU FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS!

Who ya gonna call?

THOMAS!

Who can ya call?

HE STUDIES PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, LIKE GHOSTS!

Who ya gonna call?

Oh, Christ. I get it...


"Ghostbusters."

Well played Mr. Bradley. Well played.