Tuesday, June 2, 2020

All You Fascists Bound To Lose

I'm gonna tell all you fascists, you may be surprised
People all over this world are getting organized
You're bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
Race hatred cannot stop us, this one thing I know
Poll tax and Jim Crow and greed have got to go
You're bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
All you fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You're bound to lose, you fascists
Are bound to lose
People of every color marching side by side
Marching across these fields where a million fascists died
You're bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
All you fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You're bound to lose, you fascists
Are bound to lose
I'm going into this battle, take my union gun
Gonna end this world of slavery before this war is won
You're bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
All you fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You're bound to lose, you fascists
Are bound to lose
I said, all you fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You fascists are bound to lose
You're bound to lose, you fascists
Are bound to lose

   - Woody Guthrie (with additional words from 
Billy Bragg & Wilco)

Sunday, May 24, 2020

"Was David Seville a Primordial Dwarf?"



Don't be alarmed, it's not Christmas yet, Wait...I actually have no idea what day it is...
...okay, I checked. It's Memorial Day Weekend, not Christmas. So hang in there everyone.

I posted this photo, because if you were born before 1985, this is the way you most likely know the Chipmunks. (I assume, I've done zero research on the matter, and still feel taxed).

But THIS photo immediately leaves me with a question that I posed to Google:

"Was David Seville a primordial dwarf?"

Lately we have had more and more chipmunks showing up in our yard. Today, my wife took a photo of one.


Look at the size of those peanuts compared to that little dude! He's so tiny! Now go back to the top and look at David Seville in comparison to Alvin, Simon, and Theodore...depth of field aside, David is petite! Like, fit in your hand petite! He's not even twice the size of Simon (the tallest of the chipmunks)!

So I repose the question: "Was David Seville a primordial dwarf?"

OR, were the chipmunks in fact, NOT CHIPMUNKS AT ALL? Maybe they were bear cubs. 
Christmas with the Bear Cubs doesn't have the ring to it that "Chipmunks" does, so I could see a big record mogul saying, let's call these bear cubs, chipmunks.

Or maybe they aren't animals, but rather very hair humans. It would explain why they could talk as well as sing Christmas standards. I guess a bear cub can be trained to do that, but while disguised as a chipmunk? Seems pretty far-fetched.

Google didn't give me any results to my question. I'll keep looking and get back to you with my findings. Maybe I'll try Bing.

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

Progress Takes Time


I know, like me, most of you are stuck inside during this pandemic.

It sucks. It's awful. It's downright scary. But then I remember, progress takes time.

I have a 6 year old.

You know this if you read my blog and can do simple math.

Last year I had a 5 year old, and the same crummy blog.

That's how that works.

One of the things my daughter has taught me as a father is that "progress takes time."

Sure you can get frustrated at something that seems like it will go on forever, such as Covid-19, or you can hang in there until one day you have a clean bathroom and tub.

...stay with me:

When you have a baby, you don't even bathe her in the tub. You use the sink. Or you register for one of those little baby tubs that you never use because you still use the sink.
(*This is where my wife will say, "We used that tub all the time!" So if you bought it from our registry for us, Thank You!)

Then, after almost no time at all, you progress to the REAL tub and take tons of photos no one will ever see. Not because you don't want to embarrass your naked kid, but because YOU are embarrassed at the horrible looking caulk that surrounds the tub! You really should bleach it one of these weekends.

The early days of the tub are difficult. 

You have to hold the kid up the whole time, while you, the bathroom floor, and somehow the kitchen ceiling end up covered with more water than the baby!

But as the kid grows older, they begin to sit up on their own. And then all sorts of bath toys are introduced.

Soon you find that there are so many bath toys you're not even sure the kid is getting cleaned. You're just washing down toys for a half hour every night.

Then as more time goes by the child actually tells you the toys they want to bring into to the tub. Going so far as to request toys for her birthday with the sole purpose of taking them into the bath tub.

More time passes and you tell the child it's their responsibility to get the toys they want before the bath AND to remove them from the tub when the bath is over...preferably, dried.

You tell them this over and over and over, with varying degrees of success...mostly none.

Then more time goes by and you can now start the child's bath, but leave them to play. You return to dry them and "help" them clean the toys from the tub, which mostly consists of YOU cleaning the tub.

Even more time goes by and you now only have to turn the water on at a temperature, that after much trial and error, is deemed, "okay, I guess."

...and then you have to run back upstairs at Olympic speeds when the continuously water starts to pour through the kitchen ceiling.

More time. More advancements. She now can get out on her own and dry off. Sure you'll find a soaked towel on the floor when you go up at the end of the night, but you and the wife got to watch that episode of The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel and it only took you 4 days!

Still every morning there are somewhere between 10-15 dolls whose hair needs to be shaken out before you remove them from the tub to take a shower.

Some more time and you realize you're going through shampoo at a very quick rate, only to be told, "Oh, I needed it for my potions."

You've got so little hair left you figure, "Whatever."

Then, after what seems like six years of having the same argument over and over and over, you look in the tub...and it's completely clean. 

No dolls. No wet towels on the floor. No remaining "potions."

That's when you realize, process takes time and this pandemic WILL END! 

...but the caulk still looks like fucking shit.



Wednesday, February 5, 2020

CLICK Through to Save the World



From time to time, I'll CLICK on the "Promoted" posts on Twitter. If for no other reason then to keep someone employed whose job it is to TRICK people into clicking on those links.

I do it because they can have hidden little gems in there. Today was no different:

I clicked on a link called "My Daily Magazine." That's a terrible titled for various reasons, not least of which is that there's no way there is a print publication of this "Magazine."

The article boasts that it provides hints in nature to alert the reader when something bad is going to happen. For example the sky turning green before a thunderstorm rolls in, or that brightly covered bugs/snakes tend to be poisonous


You know, things you'd have learned in Cub Scouts or Brownies if modern parents weren't so petrified about sending their kids out into the real world!

My favorite is a section is titled, "The Ocean Roar." That informative bit goes on to state:


"Usually, the ocean waves make a beautifully calming sound that plenty of people like to sleep to. But on occasion, the ocean roars like a train."

Okay. Not the best constructed sentence, but I'm with you.

"If you hear this unusual sound, chances are that a tsunami is coming toward you. The ocean is dangerous enough without a tsunami rushing to the coast, so get away immediately."

Daaaaamn, Gina!


Oh, it gets darker!

"While most tsunamis are caused by underwater earthquakes, a meteorite crashing into the ocean can launch a wave around the world. It is said that 3.5 billion years ago, a huge asteroid hit Earth, causing giant tsunamis to roam the oceans." 


Holy Shit! Where do we run?
Also, is that baby Superman coming from Krypton?

This is my favorite part:

"Hopefully, we’ll be able to shoot down any asteroids trying to do the same today."


I'm sure our new Space Force has this under control.

Fuck Cub Scouts and Brownies, maybe we should all go to Space Camp! If for no other reason than to have learned that a "meteorite" and an "asteroid" are not the same thing.

Tuesday, January 14, 2020

Hypocrisy / Moral Dilemma / Irony

Hypocrisy / Moral Dilemma / Irony


Having a hard time distinguishing between Hypocrisy, Moral Dilemma, and Irony? Me too. But maybe this helps:

hy·poc·ri·sy
/həˈpäkrəsē/
noun
  1. the practice of claiming to have moral standards or beliefs to which one's own behavior does not conform; pretense.
    "his target was the hypocrisy of suburban life"



Example: Being "Pro-Life," until YOU need an abortion!



mor·al di·lem·ma
noun
  1. a situation in which a difficult choice has to be made between two courses of action, either of which entails transgressing a moral principle.
    "the nursing staff face a moral dilemma almost every day"



Example: Being against "All-Gender Bathrooms," but REALLY having to poop!




i·ro·ny
/ˈīrənē/
noun
  1. the expression of one's meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.
    "“Don't go overboard with the gratitude,” he rejoined with heavy irony"

    • a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.
      plural noun: ironies
      "the irony is that I thought he could help me"
      a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character's words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.
      noun: dramatic irony; plural noun: tragic irony



  2. Example: Being for MUCH stronger Gun Control Laws, but also wanting to pass a law which requires the "Sopranos" lower case "r" to be represented in *ALL fonts!

  3. For the record, this one is 100% me.







    (*EXCEPT WINGDINGS)



Monday, January 13, 2020

Support Your Local Library




New York Public Library recently released a list of the TOP 10 books checked out in its 125 year history.

I'm both ecstatic and grossed out. 


Ecstatic because I have read 9 or the 10 books on the list! That never happens to me! Especially since having had a kid. But since over half of the books on the list are children's books, I had an edge.

Grossed Out because 485,583 check outs is 4,855,830 potential booger fingers!
(Do people pick their noses with their thumbs?)


The books are as follows:

1. 
The Snowy Day,” by Ezra Jack Keats (485,583 checkouts)

2. “The Cat in the Hat,” by Dr. Seuss (469,650)

3. 
“1984,” by George Orwell (441,770)

4. 
“Where The Wild Things Are,” by Maurice Sendak (436,016)

5. 
“To Kill A Mockingbird,” by Harper Lee (422,912)

6. 
“Charlotte's Web,” by E.B. White (337,948)

7. 
“Fahrenheit 451,” by Ray Bradbury (316,404)

8. 
“How To Win Friends and Influence People,” by Dale Carnegie (284,524)

9. 
“Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone,” by J.K. Rowling (231,022)

10. “The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” by Eric Carle (189,550)


Harry Potter being on the list is pretty impressive as it was only published in 1997. For reference, "How To Win Friends and Influence People" (the only book on the list I've never read) was released in 1936!


Support your local library today!
But first, blow your nose!!!


Friday, January 10, 2020

There Are Two Types of People

(AP Photo/Vincent Thian)

There are two types of people:

1. Those who say "Birdie"
2. Those who say "Shuttlecock"

...oh, and

3. Those who don't talk about badminton... 
(So there are three types of people)



Japan's Kento Momota hits a return shot against China's Huang Yu Xiang during Malaysia Master men's single quarterfinal in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, Friday, Jan. 10, 2020.
(AP Photo/Vincent Thian)