Friday, June 2, 2017

Spelling Bee - A Lifetime Original

I'm not going to pretend that I didn't get super excited midway through and think this show might become a real thing!

But alas, no one has yet committed.

I am a bit surprised it didn't get just a little bit more traction:





I guess to get any real notice on Twitter, you have to be a cartoony evil billionaire who's constantly putting our planet in peril.

Well, at least Anna Faris liked it.





Seriously, you think she'd play the voice of the agent?

(as seen on twitter.com/YourHeroKevin)

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

mis·di·rec·tion/misdəˈrekSHən/


Donald Trump: Oh man! The walls are closing in around me. This Russian thing won't go away. Soon they'll know the truth and then I'm done! What can I do to throw the public off the scent?

(TWEETS)

Donald Trump: My work is done here.

Monday, May 22, 2017

JIZZ MOTEL

Tomorrow is my wife's birthday.

This week's episode of The Punch Up Podcast is a love letter to her.

She should have gotten out when she had a chance!



Friday, May 12, 2017

It Takes 5 People To Change A Tire

My Uncle Bill used to take me and my brothers to Phillies games without ever driving on Rt 322 AKA - Conchester Highway AKA "KILLER" Conchester

Instead, his route would take us down 352 through Chester...which obviously presented it's own perils...

I never minded the craziness of 322. In fact, I work right off of it, so most days I take it like 2 or 4 times. I felt as though I had conquered the beast. That is, until today.

Today Killer Conchester claimed another victim...my front passenger side tire.

Not my car...or my tire...but you get it.

For anyone not in the know, RT 322 is undergoing the long promised transformation from a 2 lane road, to a 4 lane highway! The project is scheduled to last 6 years! Construction on the road is WELL underway. 
  • Trees have been removed.
  • Buttresses have been installed.
  • Traffic (in some spots) has been temporarily diverted.
And my tire has been, destroyed!

Again, not my actual tire.

Today marked the first time I have changed a tire in many, many years.

My Mustang (which I used to park in an unpaved lot at Temple University), used to see me changing a tire almost once a year.

I remember changing different tires TWICE in one week on that bad boy.

All told, conservatively, I'd guess I changed 6 tires total on that car. It was a very easy car to change a tire on, and if memory serves, it had a FULL tire in the trunk.

No donuts for that bad boy!
Except the ones I did on your Mom's front lawn!

Still not my actual car, in fact not an actual mustang! But I drove my car like it was this one!

My Saturn probably only saw 2 or 3 tire changes...though it was also once hit and wedged into a tree while parked out front my apartment in West Chester.

Thanks drunk college kid!

Not my Saturn...or even a car! But When I typed "Saturn" into my person Google Photo search, this picture of me and my older brother on my Uncle Chris's motorcycle showed up.
We likely never changed those tires...but those ARE two future drunk college kids!

I don't recall ever having to change a tire on my Taurus. But that thing had "cop tires, cop suspensions, cop shocks."


That car was so fast, I'm not sure it needed tires.
All of this is to say, I'm pretty adept at changing tires. I mean, that's not to say I'm going to be working the pit crew for Dale Earnhardt anytime soon, but that's mostly because he died in 2001.

Today, it took FIVE people to help me change a tire!

I was able to get the car to my office (which was about 5 minutes away from where I whacked my tire).

After pulling into a parking space I immediately backed it out, realizing the scope of damage to the tire.

I opened the trunk and lo and behold had: a jack, a donut, and a lug-nut wrench. This was lucky, as 1/3 of new cars on the road do NOT have a spare/donut anymore. I had never checked.

I jacked up the car slightly and tried "cracking" the lug-nuts (I'd have just typed "nuts," but I know a few of you aren't mature enough to handle such talk - quite frankly, I'm not sure how you got passed the word "buttress").

Person #1 - Me.
(Loki, the god - or perhaps goddess of mischief didn't help me. This is just a random photo)

The lug-nuts wouldn't budge. Luckily, my coworker, Pat (who is the resident handyman) pulled into the lot. He put his boots on the wrench and used his weight to get the lug-nuts to crack. 

Person #2 - Pat.
(Pat is the first person we call on when we need help with a car. Such as Joe did when he left the lights on during a shoot over the past winter)

I was able to jack the car up the rest of the way and remove the lug-nuts and damaged tire. I then attached the donut using the same lug-nuts. I let the car down off the jack and realized the donut was flat.

At this point I had employed another coworker (and the recipient of almost all of my jokes which is the reason I had the above photo in the first place) Joe to help out.

Person # 3 - Joe.
He loves me!

Joe helped me pull an industrial pump out of the basement. But because it weighed so much, we were able to stretch the hose from the basement up to the parking lot.

But we couldn't get the pump to turn over.

We spoke with Jody, who is the building manager.
He looked at the pump with us, but couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. 

Person #4 - Jody
Actually, I couldn't find any photos of Jody, so here's another one of Joe.
(This is from a time when I convinced the waitress at Chee'burger Chee'burger
to bring Joe their HUG fake burger for his meal).
Guys, he totally loves me!

Joe called Pat on the phone (Pat had since left to do his actual job - Can you believe that?).

Pat walked us through the pump, but it still wouldn't turn on.
We tried a different outlet and a different extension chord. Nothing.

Finally, though ill conceived and potentially dangerous, we decided to scrap the pump and instead I'd drive very slowly to the gas station around the corner which has an air pump.

However, in the time I put the original (non working) pump away, Joe had recruited another coworker of ours, Andrew who has a portable pump of his own!

Person #5 - Andrew
(Pictured here with his brother Tim. And also...a donut. FULL CIRCLE!)

We filled the tire, and then Joe followed me to my mechanic so I could drop off the car.

That's how it took 5 people to change a tire.

Now, how many people will it take to pay for the repair?

Thursday, May 11, 2017

Radio Ga Ga...

On April 8th, I wrote about the three iPods that I've owned.
You're welcome to read the (long) post here.

I've been iPod-less since a few days after returning from Florida on March 13th. This was coincidentally about the last time I had a drink. The music really is dead.

Because I have no iPod, I have limited choices. I can attempt to listen to music or podcasts on my phone (YouTube, Spotify, Soundcloud, Stitcher, etc). I say "attempt" because my phone is getting older and sometimes decides, "You're not listening to music on ME today!"

My other choice is to listen to the radio, which is quite frankly, a hellish nightmare.


Here are the 10 things I've notice about listening to the radio in Philadelphia in 2017:

1. 95.7 Ben FM is legally obligated to play Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" once an hour OR "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" twice an hour. I used to like both songs...okay, I still do!

2. 98.1 AKA Oldies 98 considers music from the 90s to be "oldies." Pearl Jam, really?!?

3. 90.9 NPR is a great way for me to start my day of hating Donald Trump...also, it's useful when I need to know the temperature in Manahawkin once an hour.

4. 88.5 WXPN has great music all day...unless there's a telethon, which there always is...especially now with Trump's proposed cuts to NPR.

5. Philly has more channels dedicated to Sports Talk then it has chance of any of it's sports teams making the playoffs.

6. 93.3 is a coolness measuring stick:

  • When you were younger you thought Preston & Steve were cool, but as you've grown older you realize, they are definitely not cool.
  • When you were younger you thought Pierre Robert was NOT cool, but as you've grown older you realize, he definitely IS cool.
  • When you were younger you never heard of Jacky Bam Bam, but as you've grown older you realize, there has never been anyone this cool.
7. 104.5 is still "old lady" music. Sorry Mom.

8. 101.1 should only ever play Christmas Music. That's right fuckers, deal with it in September!

9. 90.1 Temple's Jazz station is likely the soundtrack to which Bill Cosby attacks.

10. I NEED MY FUCKING iPOD BACK!





Wednesday, April 26, 2017

10 Caan Shirts, 1 Is A Lie

This craze is apparently setting Facebook on fire over the past 3 days.

Here's a list of 10 Caan Shirt photos...although, one is a lie (as he's not wearing a shirt). See if you can figure out which one.

#TenCaanShirts

1


2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

Something Fishy


Have I ever told you the story of when my Dad took, me, Brian, and Erick fishing in Ocean City, NJ as kids?

No?

Well...here it is (in podcast form!):