Friday, November 17, 2017

5 Days...

Found another Post It note this morning. I'm not sure if it's new or was from a couple days ago. 

Rather than simply toss it in the trash, I examined this one a little bit more carefully.

On the surface it seems like Santa Claus is going to pay me an early visit Thursday morning. Hence the "SLEiGH" and the initials "SC." However, I started to dig a bit and this is the theory I came up with:

Since Lyft is NOT an Irish company called "O'LYFT" I typed it into Google and it said:

Did you mean: Olaf

I didn't. But perhaps I should.

So far the two words that have been in quotes from the Post It notes were "SLEiGH" and "FROZEN." This makes sense in the context of the film Frozen (Kristoff rides around selling ice in his "sleigh"). Plus all this talk of GLOVES (Elsa is forced to wear "gloves" to cut down on freezing the things she touches).

When Google asked if I meant Olaf, I clicked through and found this little bit of information:

'Frozen' snowman Olaf tapped to debut as a balloon in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade


Weird messages. Getting up at 2AM. Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

There's something familiar about all of this...I feel like I'm close to figuring out the mystery behind this "SC" character.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

7 Days...(or 6 Technically)

I saw this text when I got out of the shower this morning.

I'm starting to catch on...

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

8 Days...

This morning, sitting on my front porch were a pair of gloves and a note which read:

"These gloves will help your grip and keep your fingers from being 'FROZEN'."

Not exactly sure what it is they're referring to, but I have my suspicions.

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

9 Days...

Just got a weird phone call.

Familiar voice on the Phone:

"Listen. In 9 days, a new balloon needs protecting. You in?"

I asked something like, "Huh?"

Then dial tone.

...there was something familiar about that voice.

Monday, November 13, 2017

Yes, We All Have Podcasts (Please Listen To Mine)

Yes. It's true. Everyone has a Podcast.

When you're born, you're now given a Social Security number and a podcast.

Steve, Eoin, Jessie and I have been doing this podcast EVERY week for almost a year (with a special guest each week).

You should listen. Seriously. I think you'd fuckin' love it!

And if you do listen, SHARING and/or REVIEWING it would be much appreciated.

iTunes LINK

Soundcloud LINK

Stitcher LINK

Link LINK (Unrelated to Podcast)

Monday, October 30, 2017

There's No Such Thing As Halloween Music

Let me ask you a question, Halloween Music or Christmas Music?
*Keeping in mind, there has only ever actually been one Halloween song, "The Monster Mash."

What's that? You disagree? Well then, read on...

According to the leading authority of various genres of music, "Drew's Famous Party Music," the following tracks are on the original Halloween mix:

1. Monster Mash (we spoke of this already).
It was a graveyard smash. Not much else to say...though this bit over the course of 5 years on ComedyBang Bang is worth checking out:

2. Ghostbusters.
No. No. No. No. No!!!!!!
First of all, the original Ghostbusters was released in June of 1984, so not even a Halloween movie! If you want to watch it at Halloween, I'll support it. In fact it's a terrific movie, so you can watch it every day of the year! BUT, that song is not a Halloween song. It's not even an original piece!

We all know that Ray Parker Jr. was sued for ripping off Huey Lewis and the News, and therefore Huey is a co-writer credit on the tune.

3. The Time Warp.
Come on! Just because YOU didn't watch Rochy Horror Picture Show 2, sometimes 3 times a day when you were a junior in High School, doesn't automatically relegate it to the labe l of being a Halloween movie. Therefore it's most famous song can't get dragged down that road either.

Great song, every day!

4. Macho Man.
The Village People! Look, other them being a band of walking costumes (some racially intensity by today's standards), there's not much else about them that reeks of All Hallow's Eve.

That said, "Macho Man Randy Savage" is ALWAYS as killer Halloween costume.
*Maybe not a literal killer costume. If you're looking for that might I suggest Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

5. Bad Moon Rising.
Don't be an April Fool. Written by John Fogerty and recorded by Creedence Clearwater Revival, this song came out on the 4th month of1969, not the 11th. Just because there's a moon doesn't make it Halloweenie.

6. Purple People Eater.
Sounds like it's about S'ing a D, but it's merely about aliens. If pushed hard enough, I'd say OK this can be a Halloween song. But Is that really a win?

7. Rock Lobster.
What the fuck! How the hell did this B-52s ditty end up labeled a Halloween song? Because it opens up "We were at a party..."? Seriously, there are other parties than Halloween parties.

This song is an amazing song. Sorry Halloween, you don't get to randomly stake claims to it.

8. Hot Hot Hot.
Another party. Another NON-Halloween song.

9. Soul Man.
What in the fucking hell?!?
Did some one confuse Samhain with Sam & Dave?
The answer is NO HALLOWEEN!

10. Let's Go Dancin'
Do you know what this is? No? Me either.
Kool & The Gang isn't writing Halloween songs.

11. Disco Inferno

Because of "inferno?" You could make the argument that this is more of a 4th of July song. Not Halloween.

12. Twilight Zone.
Wait! The theme song to a show? You can't just co-opt a song and label it a Halloween song.

Oh, it's NOT the theme song? It's a random dance song that has nothing to do with anything? OK...that too.

13. Don't Leave Me This Way
More disco...was Halloween invented in the 70s? I mean, I was invented in the 70s, so maybe it was too...I have no frame of reference before then.

This weird Thelma Houston song isn't a Halloween song... mean not even along the lines of most of the songs that came before this track. It's as if this was a freebie that Drew is tossing at you. Like his sister's demo or something. Don't be fooled, NOT HALLOWEEN!

14. Super Freak.
Super NO!

15. Stayin' Alive.
The title has NOTHING to do with what you think it does if you're calling this a Halloween song.

16. Spooky.

Look. I'd consider having a debate about Halloween vs Christmas, but when it comes to the music part...there's no contest.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

💘"I'm Wild and Looking To Hookup Tonight"💖💋💘💘

"I'm Wild and looking to Hookup Tonight"

While continuing to clear my "SPAM" folder (now with quotes as to put emphasis on the fact that a "SPAM" folder is not completely filled with SPAM), I came across not one, not two, but THREE emails from Jessica.

How I picture Jessica typing to me.
(As well as all of you who comment)

In Jessica's first email she simply states the following (and previously mention) in her email subject line:

"I'm Wild and looking to Hookup Tonight"
(NOTE: pink coloring added by Editor)

OK... a few things:
  1. Is "hookup" one word? 
  2. It's odd that the words "Wild," "Hookup," and "Tonight" all begin with capital letters, however "looking" can go right ahead and fuck itself!
  3. Based on the random capitalization, perhaps the lack of putting emphasis on the work "looking" implies Jessica is in fact blind and asking for help "hookingup" (still one word?) something. Oh, maybe they got the new X-finity voice command remote control. Personally, I love it.
  4. WAIT! Where else do we see "rando-caps?" Yep, ransom notes! Maybe Jessica is being held captive against her will! (NOTE: abbreviating "random" to "Rando" saves absolutely NO time and just ends up looking like a typo. Signed your friendly Edito) <--- Actual Typo
The body of the email goes on to say:

"To UNSUBSCRIBE please Click Here"


Reply to this mail

(NOTE: font and color exactly as presented in email. Hey, it's me the Editor again)

I gotta say, pretty limiting on the options here. 
  • I can't actual confirm I'm interested in said "hookup."
  • I can't confirm an arrival time to make sure it's not an inconvenient time for "hookingup."
  • In fact, I can't even find out where this "hookup" is to take place.

    All I can do is unsubscribe by clicking the link or mailing a personlized letter (to an address I have not been provided).
Oh well. Sorry Jessica. Best of luck with your X-finity voice command remote.


But wait...there's another email from Jessica:

"Do not message me - Move On I WILL REPORT YOU..!!"

Wait, WHAT?!?

This hardly seems fair! Is it because I was a bit slow in my response regarding the "hookup?" I'm sorry. It was in my, my "SPAM" folder!

Also, these two emails were a mere 2 days apart. I mean, if you're asking me for a favor, you have to allow me a bit of control on the time table, right?

The email continues:

"Please stop emailing me your photos. I am engaged now.
We broke up a long time ago. MOVE ON!
You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche
F***k You..!!"

What photos? And you're engaged since two days ago when you wanted to "hookup?" WTF, Jessica?

"We broke up a long time ago."

So long, I don't even remember you. That's what happens to the mind as we get older I suppose.

"You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche
F***k You..!!"

Hold on a second, haven't I heard this some where before? Wait, is this Riley?!? Or Erina? Let me check that email address...


Huh, I don't remember taking an online drug class...Well, my apologies on the missed opportunity for "hookingup." Hope everything works out well with the remote. Also, congrats on the engagement.

But finally, one last email from 

"Hey You! I am so lucky to find you."

So we're cool? I'll admit, I was worried there for a minute, but I guess we can remain friends.

How are you doing today?

I'm good. A little tired to be honest.

My name is Jessica. I am 22 years old . 

Oh. Okay. I knew you're name was Jessica because you wrote it in all your emails. I'll be honest, I didn't know that you were 22. I'm not being ageist or anything, but shouldn't a 22 year old be pretty equipped to set up her own remote control? Oh wait, are you blind? Was I right the first time?

I got your email from one of the mutual friends in facebook. 

Oh, I'm not sure I like people just giving out my email in such a rando fashion...random, I mean random.

I think you're cute and very brutal,

Well, that's nice...I think. What do you mean "brutal?" Are you referring to some of my posts "in facebook?" I know, I can get carried away. I just am not a fan of Donald Trump and feel like his policies do more to drive this country apart than pull it together. I guess I could clean up my language a bit...but hey, I'm glad you like it.

I like that kind of guys. I'm into grammar, but hey, whatever I guess.

I just looking to know you more, maybe start with whatsApp ?
Please don't let me without answer.

Oh. My. God. Elon Musk is right! You're a robot! A robot is trying to fuck me!!! Johnny-Five alive!!!!

Wait, why the fuck doesn't a robot know how to hook up their X-finity?