Wednesday, October 30, 2013

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)

A few days ago, I was asked by a friend to write an article about "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for I wrote the following piece and it was deemed a bit "too rough" for the site. I then pursued, but since Halloween is a mere 12 hours away I have concluded there was almost NO chance this would see the light of day this year...unless I post it myself.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)
By Kevin Regan

Close your eyes.
Think back to when you were a kid at Halloween.
Imagine watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown."
Now, keep your eyes closed.
Think back to when you were a kid in High School.
Imagine your first handjob?

QUESTION: Which was the better experience?
ANSWER: It's a trick question. They were both underwhelming.

"It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," was the third holiday special for Peanuts, the American comic strip written and illustrated by Charles M. Schultz. It first aired on CBS on October 27, 1966. It featured all of your favorite, and not so favorite, Peanuts characters (screw you Violet!).

Fucking bitch! That's hardcore bullying right there!
Schroeder, Pig Pen and some unnamed character, in a uniform lack of creativity, all decided to dress up as ghosts. Lucy, and shit bag Violet, also wore ghostly sheets and added plastic witch masks over top. The only one with any sense of originality is the show's constant "anti-hero," Charlie Brown. He is obviously dressed up as the various gloryholes found on the New Jersey turnpike. For all his efforts, the bald little fucker merely ends up with a sack full of rocks. Something that has bothered me deep into my adult life.

Linus opts to forgo the traditional activities of the holiday such as "tricks or treats" and going to prima donna Violet's exclusive party. Instead he spends the night in a pumpkin patch, with a pretty girl, waiting for a mythical creature to arrive. Though he'll be thrice disappointed (first Sally abandons him, second The Great Pumpkin never arrives and third he'll no doubt be sick from spending the night outside until 4 in the morning) he never gives up hope, even telling his "follicly challenged" friend Charlie, that he's already planning for which "sincere" pumpkin patch to camp out in next year.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Kevin," (that's my name...says so on the byline)
"What does this have to do with a handjob?" 
Well (I don't know your name), let me explain.

When I asked you to think back to your first handjob, you did. You probably thought of who gave it to you. Where you were. You might even have remembered what song was playing. For me it was the Wayne's World soundtrack. And unless something peculiar happened, like your Mom walking in at the exact wrong moment (which could be ANY moment actually), you probably remembered it as being pretty damn exciting. I mean someone reached into your pants and started doing the thing that you yourself have been doing for years! It was awesome!!!

But was it? Was it really?

Sure the nostalgia was awesome. You were young. You had a full head of hair. Your whole future was ahead of you. Not to mention, Ballroom Blitz was blasting! But was the handjob really that good? Surely the technique wasn't up to the exact standards that you had set for yourself over the past few years while sitting alone in your bedroom hoping to God no one tested the lock on the door.

Remember how uncomfortable you felt the next day. "Was she trying to tear the damn thing off?" What I'm saying is, it hurt! You're just barely a teenager. You haven't learned about things like lubrication or the various dangers of friction - though this life lesson will surely be your jumping off point and Newton's Third Law seems FAR more important than the first two.

The fact is, we remember things a little more colorful than their reality.

"Fuck you, Regan!" (that's my last name) 
"I still love the Great Pumpkin. And I married the girl who gave me my first handjob!" 
GREAT! Cool. That's awesome man, seriously. I'm not saying you should hate the Great Pumpkin OR handjobs. I'm merely saying, let's admit the truth about these things. 

The Great Pumpkin, was good...but it wasn't great. 

The whole Snoopy vs The Red Baron thing was bizarre and went on TOO long. Sure it's 5 minutes (which is probably 4 minutes longer than you lasted for your first handjob - NAILED IT!) but that's a big deal on a piece with a mere 25 minute run time. Twenty percent of the Holiday Special feels like "filler." So much so, that even ABC decided to cut it when they took over airing the special in 2001. Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of Snoopy as a flying ace almost as much as I love the concept of a girl giving me a handy. It's just that the execution is off.

Also, I have ALWAYS had a hard time of getting past Lucy van Pelt and her behavior. Not just pulling the football away from Charlie Brown (a scene that ABC also saw need to cut for important commercial selling time). "Funny thing about this contract, it was never notarized." That maybe so, but breaking a written contract that isn't notarized still makes you a lying twat. But I think her more egregious behavior takes place while her innocent little brother is in the pumpkin patch full heartedly following his faith. She's out getting him candy. 

"Kevin Regan!" (Yep, full name! You're getting it!) 
"I think it's sweet, she gets candy for her brother." 
Really? This is how I know you aren't paying attention to the episode. Because right before she asks for "an extra piece of candy" for her brother, she is given like 9 fucking pieces! WHAT THE FUCK! Share that shit! She's going to get fat. Develop diabetes. And guess who is going to be the only person left to take care for her in her old age? You guessed it, Charlie Fucking Brown. They'll get together and have a loveless marriage that see's Lucy yanking on old Chuck's prick like she's pulling a football away, lubricant be damned!

OK. I might have gotten off point a bit here.

"Regan, you just don't like Peanuts or handjobs." 
I assure you, you couldn't be more wrong on both accounts. I just think the reality of our enjoyment has been overblown through time and a revisionist memory. Seriously, if you want to watch a perfect Peanuts story, watch "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown." That shit is more like your first blowjob! 

And a blowjob is ALWAYS awesome, even when "too much teeth" are used.