Monday, October 25, 2010

Lossing Friends Everyday

Mom always told me I should tell AIDS jokes. Which is weird, because she was saying it in '79, WAY before the epidemic was public. Am I claiming my mom had a hand in creating the virus? Not in this post...but stay tuned...

I can't help myself. I make fun of horrid things. NOt sure why. I'd like to think my attempt is to take the piss out of such scary things as AIDS, Cancer or Fatty Arbuckle's coke bottle collection. But the truth is, I'm just a hateful soul. If there is a Heaven, I'm fairly certain I won't be going there. I don't think I'll end up in Hell either, but rather haunting the vagina or a lonely 60 year old woman living out her days on Long Island. So based on that I should care what people think of me or the things I say...but I do. Sorta...

I don't regularly count how many friends I have on facebook, but I do notice once in a while. More so I notice a decrease of numbers and sometimes I even notice a particular person who has abandoned the home of my rants which often feature some choice four letter words (such as boob).

It's weird because I recent came up with what I thought would be a great idea of losing EVERY single friend I have. Someone (I think Julie) said it would be like a modern day Brewster's Millions. I can't get rid of friends, but I have to force them al away...but the problem is I'd lose them forever. And as much as I pretend to not care, I really get excited by people I know only causally, reading my blogs or watching a short film I've made, or just "liking" a clever jab I might take at a retarded kid on the side of the road (even my acquaintances are shitty people).

I do say "fuck" & "cunt" a lot. So I do understand when people drop me...especially if they don;t have a lot of friends or at least a lot of friends who regularly update their accounts. You're likely to have an entire page of me sounding off on people masturbating in the stall next to me, or hoping Michael Vick accidentally sits on his nuts.

I'll continue to be the rude prick my mother raised, and hope some day she gets on facebook. Because no one's Mom would unfriend them...right?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Halloween? More like I right?

Year after year, I hear more and more people getting pissed off about the increasing SEXINESS of Halloween. These "people" are usually "fatties" who likely aren't fitting into the "sexy" costumes that have become all the rage with 14 year old, wait...

Personally, I am a huge fan of the trick/treat look Halloween has adopted. You like a good scare on Halloween? Well then nail one of these minimalist self esteemed ladies without a condom...seriously, you'll trade that "sexy nurse," for the real thing while your unit is dripping puss in hospice.

I decided (strictly for research) to type "sexy halloween costume" into our old friend google image. And these are the fine selection they gave me:

First off, how is this sexy? Since I don't see an open wound, I'll assume this is supposed to be someone else's blood. Either way, not the definition of sexy to most. It is possible this girl just got her period out of her belly button, but I'll assume this is part of the costume. Not a very good one...unless she's a "cutter." Then this is the best costume I've ever seen.

This one is weird, because there are 2 girls in it. I like "couples" costumes...but am failing to see the theme here. The one girl looks like poison ivy. Not the character from the Batman comic, but just the weed that grows in my side yard. Which would make sense as I am certain that anyone rolling around in this will wake up with a wicked itch and possibly a burning sensation when they urinate. The girl with her seems to be a girl scout. She knows the pratfalls of poison ivy, so will likely avoid prolonged contact. Also, I am interested in her cookies. And before anyone gets upset by that comment, I don't mean her actual cookies a girl scout sells out from of every supermarket across America come Spring time...I mean her vagina.

This one is not sexy at all. The inside of a woman? Wait...that is came out wrong. I fail to see how the skeleton can be sexy...though I do like the measuring tape revealing a torso that would make Tracy Gold jealous. I notice the Xray like outfit reveals the "important parts" of this young lady. Clear made by a man, as there is no indication that females have brains.

Pacman Fever! You get 200 points if you eat the cherry. I got news for you...this chick ain't had those points to give since this costume was relevant.

This is sexy? Of course if you look closely, you can see Bin Laden's cave.

So that's the sexy Halloween. But still, there is the inappropriate Halloween. That could consist of a tit hanging out, though it's more likely to make that a "sexy" costume. I mean the, "let's cash in on a recent tragic event for a cheap laugh, and a photo on Facebook that will eventually cost me that House of Representative seat" type costume. Here are a selection of those bad boys:

Let's get Hitler out of the way up front. There's always some asshole who thinks it's funny to dress their kid up like a guy who killed over 6 million people. I look at this kid and think, "well he's going to community college." Mostly because he comes from a gene pool that would do this in the first place. Though I do think the glass of water is a nice touch. Sure he's a tyrant, but he's thirsty.

The suicide bomber costume has become a popular way to loose your children to Child Services as of late. This kid does look like he's having a great time though. I wonder if this is what a real suicide bomber does before blowing himself know, besides shitting his pants. I will admit, I have wished I had a incendiary device strapped to myself on many Halloween when some asshole neigh felt a Zagnut bar was appropriate. "Do you have any idea how long my Mom sewed this outfit pal? Let's make with a couple 3 Musketeers, stat!

This cunt will end up making more $ than any of you reading this. If that doesn't piss you off I don't know what does. But look on the bright side ladies, she has very small breasts.

I'm a vegetarian, but this kid is fucking cute!

The concept on this doesn't even offend me, but the laziness does. Seriously, 2 boxes and a model airplane? Where are the action figures jumping out of the windows. You failed boys!

I like this one. I look at it and think, "Hey, if you can get away with it." That in fact was the Catholic Church's official policy at the time...

So finally, I found a couple of WTF or just weird costumes I had to include:

I know what you're thinking, "Use a glass!" But I say don't judge her! After all, she's in college and going down on some box is a right of passage!

This dude looks like he's tapped a box of wine or two in his day...his day being 5 minutes ago. Seriously dude, are they VHS Disney movies behind you?

This guy says it all. I felt weird and uncomfortable seeing this sign as I did in fact masturbate to pictures #2 & #5 on the "sexy" list above.