Thursday, December 30, 2010

Old MySpace blog from 2008

I logged into MYSPACE for the first time in like a year. I went through some one blogs and found one from February 12, 2008. what better way to ring in the new year than to go back in time to a random date that doesn't mean a goddamn thing...
100 Blogs on Myspace

Well, I am coming up on my 100th blog on Myspace. Seems like more. I've probably erased or accidentially deleted at least twice as many.

3 blogs until 100. It's like finding a bottle with a genie in it and getting three wishes. Only these three wishes will likely be filled with much hate and little humor...and an AIDs joke or two sprinkled about (when I spell AIDS with a lower case "s" at the end, I can convince my wife I meant like a teaching AID--also she doesn't read inside parathesis--weird right?)

What shall I write about? A movie I recently saw (King of Kong) or a TV show I blasted through 2 seasons of in as many days (Extras) or perhaps a song I have been listening to on repeat for the past 3 weeks (Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots pt 1)?

Nah--

How about 4 quick news stories (with pictures of course):

1. "Pimpin' Out the First Daughter"

On Thursday's "Tucker" on MSNBC, David Shuster, who was serving as guest-host of the program, made a comment about Chelsea Clinton and the Clinton campaign that was irresponsible and inappropriate. Shuster, who apologized this morning on MSNBC and will again this evening, has been suspended from appearing on all NBC News broadcasts, other than to make his apology. He has also extended an apology to the Clinton family. NBC News takes these matters seriously, and offers our sincere regrets to the Clintons for the remarks.

Translation: "He said the Clinton's are Pimpin' out their daughter." The picture above begs the question, "Is she a righty or a lefty?" I meant which party does she allign herself with! Jeez...


2. "Blood on the Ice."

BUFFALO, N.Y. - Florida Panthers forward Richard Zednik lost five units of blood, but doctors never considered his life in jeopardy after the player had his carotid artery nearly severed by a teammate's skate in a freak and frightening accident.

I know what you're thinking...is that a Flyers Jersey? Nope...they just look very similar. Also, doctors were able to stop Zednik's bleeding...the Flyers are still in critical condition after this weekend.


3. "Hillary Lends Herself Money"

To help finance her campaign, Hillary lends her own money. She should keep it in a wallet like the rest of us. Wait...is that gold she's digging for? Salty!

4. "Roy Scheider Dies"

In sad news Chief Brody, who ran multiple sharks off the little island of Amity has died. He had gained quite a bit of weight in his later years, prompting the the Director at the Funeral Parlor to say, "We're going to need a bigger box."

Farewell and Adieu to you fair Spanish lady...I know you're somewhere smiling you son of a bitch.

Good night, God Bless and I forgot to tell an AIDs joke.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Keep Your Receipts

I could care less what language you speak or how well you speak it, as long we have a basic understanding of each other. If I’m on fire and you can relay that message to me without us being able to discuss why I felt The Tourist was a piece of crap in detail, that’s fine with me!


I live in the US, so I am used to people speaking or understanding English (or American?) but again, doesn’t matter to me one way or the other…with some obvious exceptions.


If I’m in an emergency room, in say…New York City. I’d like to believe, that the surgeon and I will have a basic understanding of each other. Sure he went to school to speak a language I will never comprehend (“give it to me in plain English doctor”), but I’d like to think when it comes to words such as…oh, I don’t know…maybe “amputate,” we both have a CRYSTAL clear understanding of what that word means. If he says “bandage” and I say, “works for me!” I’m going to be might pissed off, if I wake up forced to live out my days as a lefty!


There aren’t any other situations where I demand perfect communication…except concerning my FUCKING FOOD! I’m not talking about fast food. Let’s face it, it’s probably better that we don’t fully comprehend the transition in those establishments any way. After all, none of us wants to know what’s in the crap we’re eating at Taco Bell. I’m talking about restaurants of a more “upstanding” caliber.


Last night I was really in the mood for Italian. Some angel hair pasta with a light butter or even lemon sauce would have been nice. I NEVER get a hankering for Italian! Just doesn’t happen. Maybe it’s because I’m Irish. Maybe it’s because I dated a bombastic Italian chick in the past. No matter the case, it was a bit out of the ordinary…


..so Julie, Kerry & I end up at Harvest. Nothing Italian about it. In fact, not much in the way of a vegetarian to eat. “ALL of our food is organic.” Always strikes me as strange when the bulk of the menu is FUCKING DEAD!


But the wife deemed it as one of her favorite restaurants.

*Side note – I have never been to or even heard of this place before.


Harvest is an up scale restaurant in Glen Eagle. Everyone is dressed rather “fancy.” This also surprises me with regards to the lack of vegetarian options. I shouldn’t say there was nothing for a veggie to eat, there were like 2 or 3 meals to choose from. But in a hip establishment like this, I expect a little more selection than your run of the mill FRIDAY’s.


So we look over the menu and I immediately give up the idea of ordering Italian. I do see a goat cheese app for $5.00. That’s not bad at all! Keeping in mind the rest of the prices are a bit high. There’s a cheese platter app for $14.00. Julie is a full blown vegan so she’s not eating either of these dishes. But Kerry and I can split it. We decide to spend the nine additional dollars instead.


The waiter came over and tells us tonight’s specials. Not ONE of us understood a word he said. No big deal, as for the most part, I can’t do a special because they are normally meat dishes overstocked in the kitchen. They are trying to get rid of this “on the verge” RANCID MEAT! The waiter finishes by saying in his broken English, “All dishes are under 500 dollars unless otherwise noted.” He meant calories, not dollars. I had already read that in the menu.


We order, though he seems really confused by everything. Julie will say at one point later in the night, that he seemed really let down by everything we ordered and didn’t order. It’s important that I tell you he was NOT French.


When our food finally arrives we are given the goat cheese instead of the cheese tray. I told the waitress who brought the food (our waiter seemed to have disappeared, probably spitting in our entrĂ©es) that we ordered the cheese platter. She asked if we still wanted that or wanted it instead. Kerry & I were starving so I said this was fine but to make sure the cheese platter is removed from the bill as I don’t want to pay an additional nine bucks for something we aren’t getting. I know it’s gauche, but it’s my money so fuck you!


BLAH BLAH BLAH


The end of the night, the bill comes. I never looked to see if the mix up was rectified. I just look at the total which is $68 and some change. I pay with a credit gift card and tip with cash - over 20% which I had serious reservations doing, but I figure “what the hell” it’s the Christmas.


This morning, I go to you the card and am told I have insufficient funds.


I checked to see what happened to the card, thinking my math was off somewhere.


That little cunt charged my card $82 dollars, not the $68 that I actually signed for! That means he ended up with about a 40% tip when he earned just about a fourth of that.


Before you ask let me say these 2 things:


1. No I did not keep the receipt. I never keep the “customer copy.” So shame on me I suppose.

2. The fact that the additionally added amount was $14 was not lost on me.

Minor Surgery

I recently performed minor surgery in my cubical at work. It was a nice way to return from Christmas.

Sunday night, I was playing roughly with my cat, Mac. She has great control over her claws which keeps Julie & I from trimming them...EVER. Our other two cats (Lupin & Mia) are beasts whose nails are trimmed once every couple of weeks. The rule of thumb at our house is, if we can hear them "tick, tick ticking" across the hardwood floors, they need to be cut.

This is a good time to answer a question running through the minds of the non cat owners and, well the shitty cat owners. No they have NOT been declawed. For those of you unfamiliar with what declawing entails, take a look at your hand. Now imagine trimming your nails...by completely removing your finger to the first knuckle. There ya go champ. You've just been declawed.

Instead, Julie and I hold the cats down and trim their nails while they scream BLOODY MURDER! It's all a show. The cats are in no pain. However we are, as often times they scratch the shit out of us during the procedure. It's quite the bonding experience.

Sunday night, Mac reach out and nicked my finger. I quickly grabbed it and said, "It's not your fault." She stopped playing and cocked her head to the side indicating she knew she hurt me. I have never met an animal who could communicate as well as this cat. I repeated to her "it's not your fault," adding "I shouldn't have been playing so rough." At this point blood is everywhere, as a kitty can cut deep!

I cleaned it up and put a band-aid on, all while Mac supervised to make sure I was ok. I went downstairs and she followed me. She didn't leave my side until I went outside to shovel snow.

For some reason the new band aids we have aren't very good at covering a finger tip. They won't stay secured, especially in a snow glove. I have replaced the band aid 4 times in 2 days. That seems excessive. Today at work, I gave up on the band-aid all together. I'll bleed on my keyboard if I must.

A piece of skin was hanging from the cut and was annoying when I'd type, so I decided to remove it. I pulled it (which is never a wise medical technique) and the skin seemed to go on FOREVER. I figured if I continued it would have gone up my arm, under my pit across my chest and down the other arm. Instead I stopped and grabbed a pair of scissors from my desk. The same scissors I used to open my mail (yes I have a letter opener, but who actually uses them?).

As I cut the excess skin a couple of things occured to me, first..."I am performing a minor surgery right here in my cubical," and second "this is not exactly sanitary!"

My finger is completely find now, which means the procedure was a success.

I am thinking of opening my own practice with some of the tools I got for Christmas. Any of you assholes who have had your cats declawed, come on over. Finger tip removals begin at 5:00 pm.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Santa Baby

I don't hate any Christmas song…not really. I mean there are some I am not the biggest fan of (The Waitress's "Christmas Wrapping") and a few I'd rather jam a pencil in my ear then hear ever again (Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time") so I guess I do hate some…

But "Santa Baby" is a song I used to LOVE until I listened to the lyrics and realized it's simply about a woman using her "feminine wiles" to get gifts from an over weight fat dude. It kind of turned my stomach.

"Santa Baby"

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me
I'm not exactly sure what a "sable" is. I always thought it was a car produced by Ford, but now believe it to be the fur of an animal. That right there makes me hate this bitch. FUR? Seriously? Who are you Zsa Zsa Gabor? But there's the slim possibility this is reference to WWE's original DIVA "Sable." If you're looking to make out with a hot 6 foot blonde, then I like this song again.
*Side note, I hear "Sable" shaves…thus = NO FUR!

I've been an awful good girl
Not if you're hacking the skin off dead animals to keep you warm lady!

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
Weird reference. The sexuality is implied, but what "chimney" does a woman have? I assume this a reference to her "lady parts."
*Another side note, that "fireplace" would likely indicate she's a "redhead."

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue
Damn! Dictating color and everything. Also, what's "out-of-space?" You're clear in some areas and so damn cryptic in others. Why doesn't he just give you a gift card?

I'll wait up for you dear
She's a bit possessive. Look lady, you want these goods? You're going to have to realize that this jolly old elf is out pleasing many others too.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
"Fellas?" So I'm thinking WWE's Sable is off the table. Also, a bit whorish. "Santa, I haven't been sucking any strange dick at the company Christmas party because I'm looking to cash in." Not the best way to upgrade that convertible to 12 cylinders.

Next year I could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list
Boo doo bee doo
Holy Shit! Is this quid pro quo? I'm almost sensing blackmail. You're talking about next year already? "Oh, Santa, if you don't get me good shit next year too…I'll be standing in line at Planned Parenthood by February."

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's
Not a lot
Fuck it. Santa's not banging her. She's got pictures or something. This is more than any one man should be giving in just for some "action."

I've been an angel all year
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight
I hope Santa is wrapping his fella up good & tight. Because pulling out sounds dangerous with this one. She's trying to trap you in a maternity suit, Kringle!

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed
SHE WANTS A HOUSE?

To a platinum mine
WHAT THE FUCK?!? I don't know if she wants to mine precious stones or kill Chilean miners. She seems like a bit of a Nazi come to think of it!

Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks
Wait, she's filling it? I'm really confused.

Sign your 'X' on the line
Oh Christ, I get it. She's writing his checks now and telling him to just sign it. Really, these must be photos of him molesting an elf or something.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree
Fuck! You couldn't even do that? The guy is probably going to acquiesce to ALL of your demands and you couldn't even throw some popcorn strands on the tree?

With some decorations bought at Tiffany's
Of course.

I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me
Boo doo bee doo
Santa…a blow job ain't worth the hassle brother. Just hit the titty bar!


Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring
Is this really the origin of Mrs. Claus? No wonder he only gets to cum once a year. What a poor miserable bastard.

I don't mean a phone
Bet he pays the phone bill.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hurry down the chimney tonight

My advice, have a blood test done Santa...cause from the looks of things, neither of you are Asian!

Sexy Stadium Porn

This what it would look like if a Stadium could actually have an orgasm:

Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Season of Giving


This is a delicious cookie, I made for my little brother Erick.

Erick I hope you appreciate the efforts your big brother puts into making sure you have a Merry Christmas every year!

I selflessly took time out of my busy schedule to bake a batch of cookies for you, as I know they're your favorite.

As always I expect NOTHING in return...












Oh...this one's mine!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Gift of the Magi

Last night we watched "Mrs. Bob Cratchit's Wild Christmas Binge" featuring Jim Burns & Kerry Kristine McElrone from www.theleaguetv.com

One particular scene, which is a warped take on "The Gift of the Magi", damn near made me wet my pants. Sure the Rum & Nog had something to do with it too...but still...

You can also see James Kassees & Tonya "TS" Baynes, both of whom also appear in The League. If you enjoy this clip I encourage you to do a few things:

1. Check out The League @ www.theleaguetv.com
2. Go see "Reckless" at City Theater in Wilmington, DE. Buy tix at www.city-theater.org Jim & Kerry can be seen in that as well
3. Support "Small Arts." Local Theater, Local Bands, Independent Web Series. Transformers 3 will make $ and thus turn into Transformers 4 whether you see it or not. But small arts such as local theater and indy web series DEPEND on people like you to watch and spread the word...otherwise you better get used to the Transformers Franchise, because it's all that will be left...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Famous Christmas Cards

I found some fun Christmas Cards of a few famous families. It really warms the heart to see such sweet Holiday messages...

"Merry Christmas from North Korea to the North Pole!"
Love, The Kims

"Have a safe and happy holiday!"
The Mansons

"Peace on Earth and Good Will to Man"
Respectfully, The Oswalds

"Someone is getting more than coal in her stocking!"
OJ & Nicole

*You think she'd have seen it coming if she read the card.

and finally...

"He's the reason for the season...wait, he was a WHAT?!?"

Late to the Party

When I was in college, I had NO TIME for a fraternity. I felt it was stupid to pay to join a club to make friends. Of course I have since changed my mind because of ALL the cool movies I’ve watched with Frats in them. Sure I’d be in Lamda Lamda Lamda if I was in any Frat at all…but you never know when a road trip to Hotel Essex is right around the corner (yeah…I went sequel there).

I now feel like I have joined a Frat.

This Sunday I start my first “formal” improv class in Philadelphia. I have been part of a short form group for the last 16 months, though we’ve been on hiatus for about the last 12. Where I learned from a very skilled improviser and have read a ton on the subject! I also have trekked into Philly to participate in what can only be described as a “Jam.” This is when people just get up and improv with strangers.

But now I have paid my dues and like the Boogers, Blutos and whatever Brandon Frasier’s name was in School Ties, have done before me…I will take my paddling and grateful ask for another.

I am lucky enough to be joined by some people I already know. My fellow pledges. Jim Burns, Andrew Mitchell & Ron Ozer. I am hoping we’ll get nicknames.

God I miss Improv!!!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Baby, It's Cold Outside


Recently my friend Melissa referred to "Baby It's Cold Outside" as "the date rape Christmas Song." I simply had to analysis it.

I have always found the song a bit off-putting, especially the duet version I have with Frank Sinatra and Jimmy Stewart…which is either about a "homosexual date raping" or a festive "gang raping session." You decide:


I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside)
So far we're in the clear…after all it simply sounds like a guy laying the ground work for what may turn into begging for sex.

I’ve got to go ‘way (Baby, it’s cold outside)
Persistency is key.

The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in)
"Drop in" a bit on an innuendo perhaps...?

So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice)
OK. This is all very romantic. Nothing forceful. Just a couple (male/female, male/male, female/female whichever you're into) saying some flirtatious good-byes.

My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)
Way to bring down the mood by mentioning your mom.

And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)
Slow down slim. Daddy owns a shotgun. Maybe be grateful for the handy you got while waiting for the apps at Red Lobster earlier.

So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Wait, is he literally holding her back here?

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)
She caved! You're in like Flint dude. Flint from GI Joe. And this chick is Lady Jane!

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)
I assume this means they live in a bad part of town.

Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)
Whoa dude. Did you slip her a roofie? Not cool!

I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
She's fucking ODing! How much did you give her!!!

To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
Ew…hat fetish! Run lady. He's making a replica fuck doll equipped with real human hair!

I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer)
She said "no" 3 times. That'll even hold up in Beetlejuice court. You're now 100% in rape territory.

At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride)
She just told you she's going to "say that" she tried to stop you. That's gone in the DA's opening statement.

I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out)
This is her last ditch effort.

Oh, but it’s cold outside
He doesn't wish to be "outside." We have penetration.

I simply must go (It’s cold outside)
Too late.

The answer is no (Baby, it’s cold outside)
Again, she's adding the counts to the case.

The welcome has been (So lucky that you dropped in)
That's sweet. Or she knows something's up. They call this "bargaining."

So nice and warm (Look out the window at that storm)
Holy Shit man, you gave her room temperature beer? You knew you were having company, you couldn't put the Pabst in the fridge? Or on the porch? You've been bitching about the cold weather all night.

My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious)
I knew it. You're banging her sister too.

My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about your brother)
Initially I thought that meant the brother is a perv who is videotaping, but now I figure he's tied up in the trunk of this dude's car. He covered ALL angles.

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me)
Oh snap! He killed the aunt

Well maybe just a cigarette more (You don’t need no cigarette, it’s smokin’ plenty up in here)
Nice. She won't get cancer. Just raped with a chance of AIDS.

I’ve got to get home (Baby, you’ll freeze out there)
The walk of shame.

Say, lend me a comb (It’s up to your knees out there)
A knees reference? That means "blowjob." Also, the comb…that's how he collects the hair.

You’ve really been grand (I thrill when you touch my hand)
"Grand?" What is this 1936?

Oh, but don’t you see (How can you do this thing to me)
Wait…she might be safe. I think she left him with blueballs. Of course now he's angry.

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (Well, think of my lifelong sorrow)
She means "other people will gossip." He misinterprets as "pillow talk" but he gets an idea from her use of the word "bound."

At least there will be plenty implied (If you caught pneumonia and died)
Holy Shit! Now he's planning to get rid of the evidence (i.e. kill her and dispose of the body). He's got a back story and everything.
This reminds me, NEVER go fishing with Scott Peterson at Christmas time!


I really can’t stay (Get over that hold out)
He's totally going to bang her dead body.

Oh, but baby it’s cold outside
Yep. Necrophilia.



So there you have it. It wasn't about "date rape," but rather raping a corpse.


Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Egg Nog

I have no problem putting this up as there are few people who read this...not that it's embarrassing but I am likely using it as a monologue for a new sketch show I am working on...

"Egg Nog"

Recently I had egg nog for the first time in my life.
I'm not exactly sure how I made it to 35 without ever having tried the stuff.
Growing up, however my family never drank it.
So I suppose I saw no reason to search it out.

Egg nog is a dairy based beverage, thicker than your standard milk product.
Made with milk or cream, sugar and beaten eggs. It is flavored with ground cinnamon & nutmeg.
Various liquors such as brandy, rum or whiskey can be added to give it a more "adult kick."
It's a staple for many during the winter holidays, especially Christmas

Perhaps it is this reason my parents have always referred to it, as "Elf Cum."
Also probably the reason it never found purchase in my family's icebox.
"You expect me to keep elf cum next to the meatloaf?" Dad would ask.
It was a rhetorical question that could only be met with the aversion of one's eyes and a slight giggle.

As I got older I wondered, did my parents really believe a magical, midget's masturbator expulsions were the ingredients to this traditional holiday drink?
Clearly the masses, who find same sex marriages to be against "God's plan," wouldn't stand for actual "elf cum" to be sold by the gallon at their local Walmart's comfortably nuzzled between fabric softener and Trisha Yeargood's new album.
Would they?
I assume my parents were strictly using hyperbole to describe their lack of affinity towards this winter concoction.
While adding the "elf" part to give a more festive feel to the description.

Otherwise, why reference an elf at all? Why not just simply, "cum?"
Are they under the belief that an elf's cum would taste differently than that of a regular person's?
I'm sure dietary differences could influence the flavor of the fluid.
Such as the difference between someone of Irish decent's cum tasting like Bailey's versus say…an Italian's tasting of Alfredo sauce.
But I believe, having never had elf, human or any other brand of cum mind you, that there isn't much difference between them.

Unless you take into account the magical qualities possessed by an Elf.
Still, if one had magical powers, I think the last thing they'd care about is the taste of their cum.
Seriously, if you're trucking around with flying reindeer and have the ear of the king shit elf himself, Santa Claus…
…I'm thinking you can get your dick sucked, even if its widely known that your cum tastes like battery acid.

So this holiday enjoy a delicious glass of yuletide egg nog safe with the thought that it is neither elf nor anyone else's cum.
But, you might want to add rum to it just in case. Cause after all, once you've had 5-6, who gives a shit what's in it!

Merry Christmas!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Some Days...

Fuck Shakespeare, this is drama folks!!!