Santa Baby

I don't hate any Christmas song…not really. I mean there are some I am not the biggest fan of (The Waitress's "Christmas Wrapping") and a few I'd rather jam a pencil in my ear then hear ever again (Paul McCartney's "Wonderful Christmas Time") so I guess I do hate some…

But "Santa Baby" is a song I used to LOVE until I listened to the lyrics and realized it's simply about a woman using her "feminine wiles" to get gifts from an over weight fat dude. It kind of turned my stomach.

"Santa Baby"

Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me

I'm not exactly sure what a "sable" is. I always thought it was a car produced by Ford, but now believe it to be the fur of an animal. That right there makes me hate this bitch. FUR? Seriously? Who are you Zsa Zsa Gabor? But there's the slim possibility this is reference to WWE's original DIVA "Sable." If you're looking to make out with a hot 6 foot blonde, then I like this song again.

*Side note, I hear "Sable" shaves…thus = NO FUR!

I've been an awful good girl

Not if you're hacking the skin off dead animals to keep you warm lady!

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Weird reference. The sexuality is implied, but what "chimney" does a woman have? I assume this a reference to her "lady parts."

*Another side note, that "fireplace" would likely indicate she's a "redhead."

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue

Damn! Dictating color and everything. Also, what's "out-of-space?" You're clear in some areas and so damn cryptic in others. Why doesn't he just give you a gift card?

I'll wait up for you dear

She's a bit possessive. Look lady, you want these goods? You're going to have to realize that this jolly old elf is out pleasing many others too.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed

Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed

"Fellas?" So I'm thinking WWE's Sable is off the table. Also, a bit whorish. "Santa, I haven't been sucking any strange dick at the company Christmas party because I'm looking to cash in." Not the best way to upgrade that convertible to 12 cylinders.

Next year I could be oh so good

If you'd check off my Christmas list

Boo doo bee doo

Holy Shit! Is this quid pro quo? I'm almost sensing blackmail. You're talking about next year already? "Oh, Santa, if you don't get me good shit next year too…I'll be standing in line at Planned Parenthood by February."

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's

Not a lot

Fuck it. Santa's not banging her. She's got pictures or something. This is more than any one man should be giving in just for some "action."

I've been an angel all year

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

I hope Santa is wrapping his fella up good & tight. Because pulling out sounds dangerous with this one. She's trying to trap you in a maternity suit, Kringle!

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed

SHE WANTS A HOUSE?

To a platinum mine

WHAT THE FUCK?!? I don't know if she wants to mine precious stones or kill Chilean miners. She seems like a bit of a Nazi come to think of it!

Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks

Wait, she's filling it? I'm really confused.

Sign your 'X' on the line

Oh Christ, I get it. She's writing his checks now and telling him to just sign it. Really, these must be photos of him molesting an elf or something.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree

Fuck! You couldn't even do that? The guy is probably going to acquiesce to ALL of your demands and you couldn't even throw some popcorn strands on the tree?

With some decorations bought at Tiffany's

Of course.

I really do believe in you

Let's see if you believe in me

Boo doo bee doo

Santa…a blow job ain't worth the hassle brother. Just hit the titty bar!

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring

Is this really the origin of Mrs. Claus? No wonder he only gets to cum once a year. What a poor miserable bastard.

I don't mean a phone

Bet he pays the phone bill.

Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight

My advice, have a blood test done Santa...cause from the looks of things, neither of you are Asian!