Monday, December 6, 2010

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Recently my friend Melissa referred to "Baby It's Cold Outside" as "the date rape Christmas Song." I simply had to analyze it.

I have always found the song a bit off-putting, especially the duet version I have with Frank Sinatra and Jimmy Stewart…which is either about a "homosexual date raping" or a festive "gang raping session," You decide:

I really can’t stay (Baby, it’s cold outside)
So far we're in the clear… after all it simply sounds like a guy laying the ground work for what may turn into begging for sex.

I’ve got to go ‘way (Baby, it’s cold outside)
Persistency is key.

The evening has been (I’ve been hopin’ that you’d drop in)
"Drop in" a bit of an innuendo perhaps...?

So very nice (I’ll hold your hand, they’re just like ice)
OK. This is all very romantic. Nothing forceful. Just a couple (male/female, male/male, female/female whatever you're into) saying some flirtatious good-byes.

My mother will start to worry (Hey beautiful, what’s your hurry)
Way to bring down the mood by mentioning your mom.

And father will be pacing the floor (Listen to that fireplace roar)
Slow down slim. Daddy owns a shotgun. Maybe be grateful for the handy you got while waiting for the apps at Red Lobster earlier.

So really, I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Wait, is he literally holding her back here?

Well, maybe just a half a drink more (Put some music on while I pour)
She caved! You're in like Flint dude. Flint from GI Joe. And this chick is Lady Jaye!

The neighbors might think (Baby, it’s bad out there)
I assume this means they live in a bad part of town.

Say, what’s in this drink (No cabs to be had out there)
Whoa dude. Did you slip her a roofie? Not cool!

I wish I knew how (Your eyes are like starlight now)
She's fucking ODing! How much did you give her!!!

To break this spell (I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell)
Ew… hat fetish! Run lady. He's making a replica fuck doll complete with real human hair!

I oughtta say no, no, no sir (You mind if I move in closer)
She said "no" 3 times. That'll even hold up in Beetlejuice court. You're now 100% in rape territory.

At least I’m gonna say that I tried (And what’s the sense in hurting my pride)
She just told you she's going to "say that" she tried to stop you. That's gone in the DA's opening statement.

I really can’t stay (Oh baby, don’t hold out)
This is her last ditch effort.

Oh, but it’s cold outside
He doesn't wish to be "outside." We have penetration.

I simply must go (It’s cold outside)
Too late.

The answer is no (Baby, it’s cold outside)
Again, she's adding the counts to the case.

The welcome has been (So lucky that you dropped in)
That's sweet. Or she knows something's up. They call this "bargaining."

So nice and warm (Look out the window at that storm)
Holy Shit man, you gave her room temperature beer? You knew you were having company, you couldn't put the Pabst in the fridge? Or on the porch? You've been bitching about the cold weather all night.

My sister will be suspicious (Your lips look delicious)
I knew it. You're banging her sister too.

My brother will be there at the door (I ain’t worried about your brother)
Initially I thought that meant the brother is a perv who is videotaping, but now I figure he's tied up in the trunk of this dude's car. He covered ALL angles.

My maiden aunt’s mind is vicious (That ol’ biddy, she ain’t gonna bother me)
Oh snap! He killed the aunt.

Well maybe just a cigarette more (You don’t need no cigarette, it’s smokin’ plenty up in here)
Nice. She won't get cancer. Just raped with a chance of AIDS.

I’ve got to get home (Baby, you’ll freeze out there)
The walk of shame.

Say, lend me a comb (It’s up to your knees out there)
A knees reference? That means "blowjob." Also, the comb…that's how he collects the hair.

You’ve really been grand (I thrill when you touch my hand)
"Grand?" What is this 1936?

Oh, but don’t you see (How can you do this thing to me)
Wait…she might be safe. I think she left him with blueballs. Of course now he's angry.

There’s bound to be talk tomorrow (Well, think of my lifelong sorrow)
She means "other people will gossip." He misinterprets as "pillow talk" but he gets an idea from her use of the word "bound."

At least there will be plenty implied (If you caught pneumonia and died)
Holy Shit! Now he's planning to get rid of the evidence (i.e. kill her and dispose of the body). He's got a back story and everything.
This reminds me, NEVER go fishing with Scott Peterson at Christmas time!

I really can’t stay (Get over that hold out)
He's totally going to bang her dead body.

Oh, but baby it’s cold outside
Yep. Necrophilia.

So there you have it. It wasn't about "date rape," but rather raping a corpse.

Merry Christmas!

1 comment:

Capt Murdock said...

My broseph-in-law brought the same thing up last weekend while watching Elf.

Of course I was raping him at the time so I was only half paying attention.