Keep Your Receipts

I could care less what language you speak or how well you speak it, as long we have a basic understanding of each other. If I’m on fire and you can relay that message to me without us being able to discuss why I felt The Tourist was a piece of crap in detail, that’s fine with me!

I live in the US, so I am used to people speaking or understanding English (or American?) but again, doesn’t matter to me one way or the other…with some obvious exceptions.

If I’m in an emergency room, in say…New York City. I’d like to believe, that the surgeon and I will have a basic understanding of each other. Sure he went to school to speak a language I will never comprehend (“give it to me in plain English doctor”), but I’d like to think when it comes to words such as…oh, I don’t know…maybe “amputate,” we both have a CRYSTAL clear understanding of what that word means. If he says “bandage” and I say, “works for me!” I’m going to be might pissed off, if I wake up forced to live out my days as a lefty!

There aren’t any other situations where I demand perfect communication…except concerning my FUCKING FOOD! I’m not talking about fast food. Let’s face it, it’s probably better that we don’t fully comprehend the transition in those establishments any way. After all, none of us wants to know what’s in the crap we’re eating at Taco Bell. I’m talking about restaurants of a more “upstanding” caliber.

Last night I was really in the mood for Italian. Some angel hair pasta with a light butter or even lemon sauce would have been nice. I NEVER get a hankering for Italian! Just doesn’t happen. Maybe it’s because I’m Irish. Maybe it’s because I dated a bombastic Italian chick in the past. No matter the case, it was a bit out of the ordinary…

..so Julie, Kerry & I end up at Harvest. Nothing Italian about it. In fact, not much in the way of a vegetarian to eat. “ALL of our food is organic.” Always strikes me as strange when the bulk of the menu is FUCKING DEAD!

But the wife deemed it as one of her favorite restaurants.

*Side note – I have never been to or even heard of this place before.

Harvest is an up scale restaurant in Glen Eagle. Everyone is dressed rather “fancy.” This also surprises me with regards to the lack of vegetarian options. I shouldn’t say there was nothing for a veggie to eat, there were like 2 or 3 meals to choose from. But in a hip establishment like this, I expect a little more selection than your run of the mill FRIDAY’s.

So we look over the menu and I immediately give up the idea of ordering Italian. I do see a goat cheese app for $5.00. That’s not bad at all! Keeping in mind the rest of the prices are a bit high. There’s a cheese platter app for $14.00. Julie is a full blown vegan so she’s not eating either of these dishes. But Kerry and I can split it. We decide to spend the nine additional dollars instead.

The waiter came over and tells us tonight’s specials. Not ONE of us understood a word he said. No big deal, as for the most part, I can’t do a special because they are normally meat dishes overstocked in the kitchen. They are trying to get rid of this “on the verge” RANCID MEAT! The waiter finishes by saying in his broken English, “All dishes are under 500 dollars unless otherwise noted.” He meant calories, not dollars. I had already read that in the menu.

We order, though he seems really confused by everything. Julie will say at one point later in the night, that he seemed really let down by everything we ordered and didn’t order. It’s important that I tell you he was NOT French.

When our food finally arrives we are given the goat cheese instead of the cheese tray. I told the waitress who brought the food (our waiter seemed to have disappeared, probably spitting in our entrées) that we ordered the cheese platter. She asked if we still wanted that or wanted it instead. Kerry & I were starving so I said this was fine but to make sure the cheese platter is removed from the bill as I don’t want to pay an additional nine bucks for something we aren’t getting. I know it’s gauche, but it’s my money so fuck you!

BLAH BLAH BLAH

The end of the night, the bill comes. I never looked to see if the mix up was rectified. I just look at the total which is $68 and some change. I pay with a credit gift card and tip with cash - over 20% which I had serious reservations doing, but I figure “what the hell” it’s the Christmas.

This morning, I go to you the card and am told I have insufficient funds.

I checked to see what happened to the card, thinking my math was off somewhere.

That little cunt charged my card $82 dollars, not the $68 that I actually signed for! That means he ended up with about a 40% tip when he earned just about a fourth of that.

Before you ask let me say these 2 things:

1. No I did not keep the receipt. I never keep the “customer copy.” So shame on me I suppose.

2. The fact that the additionally added amount was $14 was not lost on me.