Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Happy Holidays!

As bloggers everywhere write their obligatory “I’m thankful for the following” lists, I decided I’d forgo the entry meant merely to tout your year’s accomplishments.  I mean, do I need to mention I co-write and produce a musical to critical acclaim? ( still got it in, YES!)
Instead I wanted to write about the expression, “Happy Holidays.”  Because NOBODY else is thinking of doing that.  
“Yeah Kev, why don’t people just say ‘Merry Christmas’?” 
Ummm…yeah.  That’s not really what I meant.  
In this ever growing ugly world, where we are all one misunderstood gesture away from being shot in the face, I get why people don’t want to “assume” by saying “Merry Christmas.”  Oh, also…it’s NOT FUCKING CHRISTMAS YET!
That said, I don’t mind someone saying “Happy Holidays” to me as opposed to assuming I celebrate Christmas.  I do.  But how would they know that?  
Likewise, I don’t mind someone saying “God Bless You” when I sneeze, as opposed to assuming I’m not into Religion.  I’m not.  I’d never spurned a person’s kind words or gesture, because it just might make this world grow uglier a little slower.

But NONE of this is the point for my writing of “Happy Holidays.”  Instead I am curious, which holidays are you wishing me happiness towards?  Obviously there are the BIG three:  
Christmas.  It’s still 28 days away  (that’s a rehab stint),
Chanukah or Hanukkah.  No one really knows how to spelling it, which means I probably should have been Jewish ( terrible speller)
Thanksgiving.  Or as it is sometimes aptly known, “The Day We Gave Indians Smallpox Blankets In Exchange For Teaching Us How To Live Off Their Land.” (Man, that’s a mouth full)

But there are OTHER Holidays that fall within the “Holiday” spectrum of November 9th- December 30th/31st.  My guess is their inclusion is why MANY conservative types rail against saying “Happy Holidays” as opposed to Merry Christmas.
“I don’t mind wish my Jewish friends a Happy Hanukkah, but there are probably Muslim holidays in there too!”
I know.  We get it.  You’re a dick.
First, allow me tell you how I came up with my timeframe parameters:  I firmly believe, no Holiday should be celebrated until after Election Day.  
“Kevin, isn’t your birthday usually around Election Day?  And can’t this be interpreted as a selfish way for you to keep the focus on you a little longer?”
Ummm…yeah.  But if we do start the first week of November, why not back up to include Halloween under the “Happy Holidays” umbrella as well?
SIDE NOTE:  While trick or treating with my nephew, I wished a woman a “Happy Halloween.”  She returned the gratitude with candy and by saying, “Happy Holidays” to me.  I laughed at her.  And then threw the Good N’ Plentys at her face…cause those things are fucking gross!
“OK Kevin, I concede that Halloween should NOT be covered under the ‘Happy Holidays’ brand.  As no one has a problem saying ‘Happy Halloween’ except maybe Brits with a Cockney accent who say, ‘‘appy ‘alloween’.   But why only go until December 30th/31st?  Shouldn’t this cover New Year’s?  And what’s the deal with it being 30th/31st anyway?”
OK.  Allow me to address this point by point.
  1. Thank You
  2. Please don’t make fun of the Brits.  They are our allies in most of the world’s problems and more importantly, they gave us Doctor Who
  3. Because, similar to how you point out “no one has a problem saying ‘Happy Halloween’,” they don’t have a problem saying “Happy New Years” either as it appears on our Roman/Greco calendar .
  4. Good question.
Right or wrong, we have stretched the Christmas season to last from the second you get up from the Thanksgiving table to New Years Eve.  Personally, I view Christmas like a rollercoaster.  The buildup lasts FAR longer than the actual event.  That said, I think Christmas ends the first time you forget to turn on your Christmas lights, which is either 12/30 or 12/31.  It just happens, folks.

So what are all of the holidays that are supported by the catch all, “Happy Holidays”?  Here is a list of Holidays celebrated in the US during that timeframe:  

11/28 Thanksgiving – National Holiday
11/28 Hanukkah (begins) – Jewish Holiday
11/29 American Indian Heritage Day – State Holiday in Maryland
11/29 Robert E. Lee’s Birthday – State Holiday in Georgia
11/29 President’s Day – State Holiday in New Mexico
11/29 Black Friday – State Holiday in 17 states
11/29 Lincoln’s Birthday* – State Holiday in West Virginia & Indiana
*This is bizarre as Lincoln’s birthday is 2/12.  However this was done to give state worker’s a day off for the day after Thanksgiving.
12/1 First Day of Advent – Christina Holiday
12/2 Cyber Monday – Observance
12/5 Last Day of Hanukkah – Jewish Holiday
12/6 St. Nicholas Day – Observance
12/7 Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day – Observance
12/8 Feast of the Immaculate Conception – Christian Holiday
12/12 Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe – Observation
12/17 Pan American Aviation Day – Observance
12/17 Wright Brothers Day – Observance
12/21 December Solstice – Season
12/24 Washington’s Birthday* – State Holiday in Indiana
*It’s actually 2/22…again, weird.
12/24 Christmas Eve – Observance, Christian Holiday.  Also, state holiday in:  Kansas, Kentucky, Michigan, North Carolina, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Texas and Wisconsin
12/25 Christmas Day – National Holiday/Christian
12/26 Day After Christmas – State Holiday in Kansas, North Carolina, New Hampshire, South Carolina and Texas  (Clever name guys!  It’s also Boxing Day in Canada, but the US barely recognizes Canada as a nation, surely they won’t recognize their dumb holidays)
12/26 Kwanzaa – Observance

So next time you wish someone a Happy Holiday, just remember, what you’re really saying. 

“Have a ‘PANTASTIC’ Pan American Aviation Day!”  

Which sounds stupid, even with a Cockney accent.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)

A few days ago, I was asked by a friend to write an article about "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown" for I wrote the following piece and it was deemed a bit "too rough" for the site. I then pursued, but since Halloween is a mere 12 hours away I have concluded there was almost NO chance this would see the light of day this year...unless I post it myself.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (wasn't so great)
By Kevin Regan

Close your eyes.
Think back to when you were a kid at Halloween.
Imagine watching "It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown."
Now, keep your eyes closed.
Think back to when you were a kid in High School.
Imagine your first handjob?

QUESTION: Which was the better experience?
ANSWER: It's a trick question. They were both underwhelming.

"It's The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown," was the third holiday special for Peanuts, the American comic strip written and illustrated by Charles M. Schultz. It first aired on CBS on October 27, 1966. It featured all of your favorite, and not so favorite, Peanuts characters (screw you Violet!).

Fucking bitch! That's hardcore bullying right there!
Schroeder, Pig Pen and some unnamed character, in a uniform lack of creativity, all decided to dress up as ghosts. Lucy, and shit bag Violet, also wore ghostly sheets and added plastic witch masks over top. The only one with any sense of originality is the show's constant "anti-hero," Charlie Brown. He is obviously dressed up as the various gloryholes found on the New Jersey turnpike. For all his efforts, the bald little fucker merely ends up with a sack full of rocks. Something that has bothered me deep into my adult life.

Linus opts to forgo the traditional activities of the holiday such as "tricks or treats" and going to prima donna Violet's exclusive party. Instead he spends the night in a pumpkin patch, with a pretty girl, waiting for a mythical creature to arrive. Though he'll be thrice disappointed (first Sally abandons him, second The Great Pumpkin never arrives and third he'll no doubt be sick from spending the night outside until 4 in the morning) he never gives up hope, even telling his "follicly challenged" friend Charlie, that he's already planning for which "sincere" pumpkin patch to camp out in next year.

Now, I know what you're thinking, "Kevin," (that's my name...says so on the byline)
"What does this have to do with a handjob?" 
Well (I don't know your name), let me explain.

When I asked you to think back to your first handjob, you did. You probably thought of who gave it to you. Where you were. You might even have remembered what song was playing. For me it was the Wayne's World soundtrack. And unless something peculiar happened, like your Mom walking in at the exact wrong moment (which could be ANY moment actually), you probably remembered it as being pretty damn exciting. I mean someone reached into your pants and started doing the thing that you yourself have been doing for years! It was awesome!!!

But was it? Was it really?

Sure the nostalgia was awesome. You were young. You had a full head of hair. Your whole future was ahead of you. Not to mention, Ballroom Blitz was blasting! But was the handjob really that good? Surely the technique wasn't up to the exact standards that you had set for yourself over the past few years while sitting alone in your bedroom hoping to God no one tested the lock on the door.

Remember how uncomfortable you felt the next day. "Was she trying to tear the damn thing off?" What I'm saying is, it hurt! You're just barely a teenager. You haven't learned about things like lubrication or the various dangers of friction - though this life lesson will surely be your jumping off point and Newton's Third Law seems FAR more important than the first two.

The fact is, we remember things a little more colorful than their reality.

"Fuck you, Regan!" (that's my last name) 
"I still love the Great Pumpkin. And I married the girl who gave me my first handjob!" 
GREAT! Cool. That's awesome man, seriously. I'm not saying you should hate the Great Pumpkin OR handjobs. I'm merely saying, let's admit the truth about these things. 

The Great Pumpkin, was good...but it wasn't great. 

The whole Snoopy vs The Red Baron thing was bizarre and went on TOO long. Sure it's 5 minutes (which is probably 4 minutes longer than you lasted for your first handjob - NAILED IT!) but that's a big deal on a piece with a mere 25 minute run time. Twenty percent of the Holiday Special feels like "filler." So much so, that even ABC decided to cut it when they took over airing the special in 2001. Don't get me wrong, I love the concept of Snoopy as a flying ace almost as much as I love the concept of a girl giving me a handy. It's just that the execution is off.

Also, I have ALWAYS had a hard time of getting past Lucy van Pelt and her behavior. Not just pulling the football away from Charlie Brown (a scene that ABC also saw need to cut for important commercial selling time). "Funny thing about this contract, it was never notarized." That maybe so, but breaking a written contract that isn't notarized still makes you a lying twat. But I think her more egregious behavior takes place while her innocent little brother is in the pumpkin patch full heartedly following his faith. She's out getting him candy. 

"Kevin Regan!" (Yep, full name! You're getting it!) 
"I think it's sweet, she gets candy for her brother." 
Really? This is how I know you aren't paying attention to the episode. Because right before she asks for "an extra piece of candy" for her brother, she is given like 9 fucking pieces! WHAT THE FUCK! Share that shit! She's going to get fat. Develop diabetes. And guess who is going to be the only person left to take care for her in her old age? You guessed it, Charlie Fucking Brown. They'll get together and have a loveless marriage that see's Lucy yanking on old Chuck's prick like she's pulling a football away, lubricant be damned!

OK. I might have gotten off point a bit here.

"Regan, you just don't like Peanuts or handjobs." 
I assure you, you couldn't be more wrong on both accounts. I just think the reality of our enjoyment has been overblown through time and a revisionist memory. Seriously, if you want to watch a perfect Peanuts story, watch "Merry Christmas Charlie Brown." That shit is more like your first blowjob! 

And a blowjob is ALWAYS awesome, even when "too much teeth" are used.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Rule Number 3

There are three things that separate human beings from animals:

1. if a child runs out into the street, you grab that child.  You don't have to know them.  You don't have to have a child of your own.  You don't even have to like children.  You can be a Hatfield and the child could be a McCoy, but if he runs into the street, you grab that kid!

2. we tell each other when you don't need to pay for parking.  Because fuck the parking authority!  ALL PARKING AUTHORITIES!  If you live in a town or know the parking restriction time limits in said town, you share that information with your fellow "parkers."  If someone is about to pay for parking in center city Philadelphia on a Wednesday night, you let them know parking is free.  That's what Jesus would do (if the quarters didn't slip through his hand holes).

3. KEEP YOUR TRAP SHUT!  This one trumps ALL other rules.  ALL OF THEM!  To hell with that kid, he should have known better and this will be a tough lesson learned!  And so what about the stupid $3.00 you paid when you didn't have to, maybe if you paid closer attention to things involving your car, you wouldn't have hit that kid that darted out in the street!  No, rule number three is PARAMOUNT!  NO one, and I mean NO ONE spoils the end of Breaking Bad!

Will Walter White live? Will he die?  Will he ever buy a hat that doesn't look like one Cliff Huxtable would wear to the jazz clubs?

Couldn't find the hat photo...

With the emergence of Netflix and Hulu Plus and a slew of other ways to watch past aired television, so many of our fellow beings are still catching up on the Emmy Award winning "Best Drama" Breaking Bad.   It is an unspoken pact we make as members of the human race, NOT to spoil a show such as this.  The outcome is destined to be a "Rosebud" or an Intergalactic father/son relationship between the protagonist/antagonist.  Simply put, don't be the asshole who says, "I'm the one who spoils."

I will be watching the show live.  I killed myself over the summer getting caught up i n order to watch the fate of Walter White along side my fellow geeks.  And then I'll follow number 3 and keep my trap shut.  If you must "spoil" something, might I recommend another show that recently ended, Dexter.  Of course to that I say GOOD LUCK, since the writers spoiled it somewhere around season 3.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Mustaches & Mustard Gas!

It's Friday!  Time to play everyone's favorite GAME SHOW, "Mustaches & Mustard Gas!"

Can you tell the difference between the 80s icon and the merciless despot?  

Remember, points are worth double in this round...also your family can be drug out into the streets and shot!

Let's begin:
(scroll down for answers)


Look at that winning smile and those clean teeth.  
This MUST be a movie star right?

Maybe not a MOVIE star, but he has been getting quite a bit of TV time lately.  It's Bashar al-Assad, the Despot of Damascus.  This Syrian 'Stash Sporter is quite the gas at parties!


Hmmm...that deep dimple looks ominous.  
And is that a military flight hat (AKA a garrison cap) I see in the background?

Why that's Chappy Sinclair!  Louis Gosset Jr's character from Iron Eagle.  Don't let that militant demeanor fool you, Chappy takes Doug Masters under his wing (hey-o!) to fight a country holding his father hostage.

SIDE NOTE:  While researching this, I learned that the soldiers who wear garrison caps have another name for them..."cunt caps."

True story.  Look it up.


Look at those cheek bones.  This guy must be a ruthless leader of men and ardent "bedder" of women...

Did you guess despot?  

Then "Another One Bites The Dust."  That's Queen frontman, Freddie Mercury.  I'm fairly certain he never wore a "cunt cap."  

True story.  Look it up!


I'm sure this guy is all about guns!

And by "guns" I mean a Magnum!  

P.I. that is.  

Detroit Tigers hat, Hawaiian shirt and a Ferrari, though in this photo, Tom Selleck only needs his iconic 80s 'stash to be properly I.D.'d.


Is that a "duck face?"

Well, it sure is!  As in, "You better fucking duck or Saddam is going to shoot your ass!"

You can call what he's wearing a beret, but that right there ladies and gentlemen, is a goddamn CUNT CAP!

How are you doing so far?  

5 for 5?

GREAT!  Let's keep going:


I'm getting a Hannibal Smith from The A-Team feel on this one. 

"I love it when a plan comes together..."

And that "plan" of course, is to play an international game of "chicken" with John F. Kennedy in 1962.  

Oh, Fidel Castro, you minx!


Come on!  Everyone knows this dictator...

It's "The Great Dictator!"  

I know what you're thinking, "Kevin, Charlie Chaplin isn't an 80s icon!"
Sure he is!  He was born April 16, 1889.  

The old Tramp trick.

SIDE NOTE:  This is a NO HITLER Game Show


Sex appeal...

Nice!  Who is that rugged movie star?  

Joseph Stalin you say?

The Russian dictator who is responsible for the deaths of between 4 million and nearly 10 million, not including those who died in 




...nice scarf, I guess.

This game just gotten a bit awkward, didn't it?


So what did this asshole do?

...How about a little something called "Smokey & The Mother Fuckin' Bandit!"

and the Cannonball Run movies.



Last question...


This is a MOTHER FUCKING terrorist...

 every hitter in Major League Baseball from the 1970s through the 1980s.

Rollie Fingers.

So, Mr. Assad, the next time you're thinking of putting the smack down on your own people, just remember you don't need to resort to chemical warfare.  

Some well placed mustache wax and a hard biting sinker will usually do the job.