Saturday, June 16, 2007

Wizard World 2007

Judge Orders Man Not to Have Girlfriend
By Associated Press

Thu Jun 14, 9:12 AM
PETERBOROUGH, Ontario - A judge has ruled that a 24-year-old Canadian man is not allowed to have a girlfriend for the next three years.

Let me tell you folks, that judge is a real f'ing prick! However, unlike the all too debated Paris Hilton case, I think this sentence will be carried out...and then some.

Well ladies and gentlemen, Wizard World 2007 was held this weekend in the City of Brotherly Love. And well, if there's any love in store for these guys it is either going to be Brotherly, or well paid for.

Now, allow me to dispel a few beliefs that have circulated in regards to comic books, and those who read them. Not every single person who reads a comic book is, in fact cool. No, it’s true. Some of these fellows are socially awkward. Let’s face it, many are just plain nerds. I know it goes against everything we’ve learned throughout our days on this mortal coil…but alas, many a comic reader…is a fucking geek.

There is however, one thing that unifies all of “Nerdom”. They all seem to possess the uncanny ability to sew. Why is that I wonder? And why is it that they only have one pattern that they’ve mastered through the years? Red, white and blue…Betsy Ross would be proud. Hell, perhaps history never told us of the 30 plus year old son she had living in her basement long after the colonies were granted their sovereignty.

Lucky for us these cretins weren’t given a seat at the table while this country’s traditions were being laid, or we might all “Pledge allegiance to the flag, of the United States of Captain America.”
Don’t get me wrong there was much to be joyous about at the Convention.

Like when you pray that your camera is out of focus enough that you can deny until your dying breath that you are not in the picture. After all, who in their right mind would ever allow a character from Marvel’s Universe to be seen with a character from DC? I mean, what is this a “crossover?” What? Your "Average Joe" knows what a crossover is right? RIGHT? I fear I may have outed myself.

Well, at least let me put to bed the rumors that these Nerdly get-togethers are nothing but a sausage fest. Nothing could be further from the truth. This fine, young, lass seemed to be enjoying her womanly self just fine, although she did seem obsessed with finding a guy with a silver helmet. I told her mine was peach, and I called it Serpentor. It didn’t go over as well as you’d think.

But alas my salvation came thanks to what I assume was a loose snake in the audience. For a guy with a burlap bag over his head, who I guess was the snake's handler, ran by yelling, “La,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la,la, COBRA!”
There were also some very interesting developments announced for the future of comic books. As many of you know, Marvel Comics decided to kill off one of it's more popular characters in March--Captain America. Well Marvel, which typically waits until the Comic Convention in San Diego to make big annoucements, shocked everyone in Philadelphia this weekend.
Apparently Captain America will be replaced by Major Hezbollah. After the “bombshell” revelation, comic book stores throughout the Middle East were bombarded with preorders for the next issue…and then the stores were blown up.

When asked to comment President Bush said, "Comics? I like that Marmaduke."
Marmaduke’s circulation increased by 11%, the President’s approval rating dropped 12.

Even amoung the scores of people spilling out of their home made Spiderman costumes, a face or two might surprise you. I was slightly taken aback to learn that our Lord and Savior was present for the event.
He told me he came in 2nd at the Guitar Hero Tournament. He said he felt might have won the “crown,” had he been allowed more time to practice. However, much of his spare time has been interrupt lately with people praying for “Peace in the Middle East.” He then pointed to Major Hezbollah and said, “Fat Chance.”
In a nutshell, that was the day.

I won’t go into too much detail, but I was asked to leave early. You might think the masses figure out that I intended to expose them all with my indepth blog reporting? Or perhaps a few ladies at the Suicide Girls table claimed my zipper continually fell down? Maybe even my persistantly insisting that Dirk Benedict come to my house later to make Body Slam 2…but you would be wrong. The real reason I was asked to leave? My Aquaman Tee-shirt.
As I was being thrown off the premises I shouted, “I’m all about the Bitches and the Fishes.”

And then me and this dude fuckin' party like it was 1999!
And then he ate my Aquaman tee-shirt, which was a bummer because it cost me $19.99.


Anonymous said...

this was great and had me laughing. i think the juggernaut looks like a red Grimace from mcdonalds

keep em coming!

Tara said...

What is wrong with this world when Overweight Spiderman guy obviously goes on an effective diet between Wizard Worlds! There's nothing like a beer gut lazing out over the utility belt...thumbs down to the show!