Third Time's A Charm?

 

So perhaps Gus is Pennsylvania's second most famous groundhog, but I think I might be Pennsylvania's second most "accurate" prognosticator.

On January 6th I wrote about Trumps Tweet's and the fact that Twitter had deleted 7 of his last 10 Tweets. Later that afternoon, he'd inspire his devotees to "storm the castle" in an attempted coup of the US Government.

On January 8th I wrote about how Jack Dorsey & Twitter refused to curb Trump's megaphone by taking away this Twitter account. Later, they'd temporarily suspend his account, and ultimately make the suspension permanent.

In no way do I think I influenced any of these things from happening.

But....

The power ball is up to $550 Million.

Odds of winning 1 in 292,201,338.

I'm 1.

Let's see what happens.

Twitter is Fine For Entertainment, But Not News

There is a lot to take issue with in regards to Twitter and its CEO, Jack Dorsey.

They continually refused to curb Donald Trump's megaphone as long as his campaign continued to pour more and more AD revenue into the company during the 2020 Presidential Election. Now that it's over and that faucet has been turned off, the costless "face saving" display of temporarily suspending his account was a no-brainer. Perhaps it should be more permanent. Regardless, to many, this is too little and way too late.

Far more informed and well spoken people can, and will, continue to have this discussion.

But what I want to point out is Twitter's poor use of language.

This is the message you receive when you read through some of Twitter's aggregated Tweets on a certain subject:

For example, right now TED CRUZ is trending in regards to the increased criticism he's facing for his unsubstantiated claim that there was voter fraud in the 2020 Election. This played an enormous part in the riots we saw in the US Capitol on January 6th.

The number of unique Tweets in that aggregated "nest" is 14. FOURTEEN! And worse, they come from 8 different accounts.

There is no way on Earth (*round or flat), that 8 people's thoughts in 14 total Tweets could bring you "up to date" on this subject. Or almost any subject, really!

Sure, if you were trying to...let's say steal a piece of art from the US Capitol, and you accidentally tased yourself resulting in your heart stopping, we could probably cover that in 14 tweets. Hell, I bet I could do it in 1:

Nailed it!

But really how well informed could you possible be on something as intricate and complicated as this issue, or really any issue, facing our nation?

My point is, Twitter is merely entertainment, It is an absolutely atrocious place in which to get your news.

Please read newspapers. Yes, you can read their online sites, but you should be paying for it! 

Rather than saying, "Dammit, I used up my 5 free articles this month," please pay for well researched, and meticulously vetted information. Not from some stupid limerick written by a guy who really only joined Twitter to tell dick jokes and sometimes posts rants when his anger boils over.





(*And it's round, dummies - you're up to date)

"HOPE" - Ain't Just A Poster

In 2008, Shepard Fairey's "Hope" poster became a symbol of change that, then presidential nominee, Barack Obama would bring to the White House.

It is still an image that brings about a lot of emotions regardless of political belief.
If you're PRO-bama (I AM!), it brings about a feeling of optimism, possibility, quite simply -HOPE.
If you're ANTI-bama (If you're reading this, you're likely not), it brings about feelings of anger, frustration, negativity.

What it never did, until last night, was brought about a feeling of prognostication.

Late yesterday, it was revealed Donald and Melania Trump have tested positive for COVID-19. A lot of people believe they may have contracted it on the campaign trail from Trump's adviser, Hope Hicks who tested positive a couple days before.

Donald Trump is 74 years old. This puts him in a much higher risk grouping than if he were say 51 years older, which is how old Barack Obama was when he was running for re-election in 2012.

Obesity is often cited as an extremely high risk factor in COVID-19 patients. And contrary to the "medical reports" that come from the White House, Trump doesn't seem to be the model of good health. We have all seen the photos of Donald Trump on the golf course. They don't appear to be of a svelte man who is concerned about his BMI.

It remains to be seen how serious this diagnosis will affect him, but personally, at this point, I'd prefer to see Trump removed from office at the polls. And definitively so! If however this virus proves to be the downfall of this President, Fairey's poster will take on a much more ominous meaning.

We always hear about weird *facts in politics such as Abraham Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy and John F. Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

But THIS would be more akin to General George B. McClellan running against Lincoln on the platform of changing the seating in local diners with the following poster:

Regardless, it would appear, "It is what it is."








*FACT: Lincoln’s secretaries were named John George Nicolay and John M. Hay, not Kennedy.

Radio Ga Ga...

On April 8th, I wrote about the three iPods that I've owned.
You're welcome to read the (long) post here.

I've been iPod-less since a few days after returning from Florida on March 13th. This was coincidentally about the last time I had a drink. The music really is dead.

Because I have no iPod, I have limited choices. I can attempt to listen to music or podcasts on my phone (YouTube, Spotify, Soundcloud, Stitcher, etc). I say "attempt" because my phone is getting older and sometimes decides, "You're not listening to music on ME today!"

My other choice is to listen to the radio, which is quite frankly, a hellish nightmare.

Here are the 10 things I've notice about listening to the radio in Philadelphia in 2017:

1. 95.7 Ben FM is legally obligated to play Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" once an hour OR "Girls Just Want To Have Fun" twice an hour. I used to like both songs...okay, I still do!

2. 98.1 AKA Oldies 98 considers music from the 90s to be "oldies." Pearl Jam, really?!?

3. 90.9 NPR is a great way for me to start my day of hating Donald Trump...also, it's useful when I need to know the temperature in Manahawkin once an hour.

4. 88.5 WXPN has great music all day...unless there's a telethon, which there always is...especially now with Trump's proposed cuts to NPR.

5. Philly has more channels dedicated to Sports Talk then it has chance of any of it's sports teams making the playoffs.

6. 93.3 is a coolness measuring stick:

• When you were younger you thought Preston & Steve were cool, but as you've grown older you realize, they are definitely not cool.
• When you were younger you thought Pierre Robert was NOT cool, but as you've grown older you realize, he definitely IS cool.
• When you were younger you never heard of Jacky Bam Bam, but as you've grown older you realize, there has never been anyone this cool.

7. 104.5 is still "old lady" music. Sorry Mom.

8. 101.1 should only ever play Christmas Music. That's right fuckers, deal with it in September!

9. 90.1 Temple's Jazz station is likely the soundtrack to which Bill Cosby attacks.

10. I NEED MY FUCKING iPOD BACK!

Your Trump (Distraction) Countdown

Time until Trump leaves officeCountdown

So there are currently 1460 days remaining in Donald J. Trump's current presidential term...that is, if he completes it in its entirety.

The Vegas odds are currently 10/11 per this article.

So, you can spend those remaining days pulling out your hair at every single moment (check the clock above for up to second count), OR you can take some time for distraction.

I'm not saying put your head in the sand. I'm not even saying take whole days off, I'm merely suggesting take a breather so you don't suffocate.

But what can one do?

How about catch up on some TV!

Looking for some Happy Days? Well, there were 255 episodes of Happy Days. If you watched one a day, you'd only have 1205 days remaining (Jesus, that's still a lot!)

Well, then how about a little Law & Order in your life? The original show (not the 20 or so spin offs) ran for 456 episodes. Added to Happy Days, you're down to 749 days! (HOLY FUCK, that's still two more years of this guy in the West Wing!)

Did someone say The West Wing? (Yes...I did), well there's 156 episodes of that! Or 88 if you want to eliminate the non-Sorkin ones (you do), so that brings us to 661 days in the real world...

MTV's The Real World?!? There were 602 of those bad boys! But do you really want to watch them? Me either. Reality TV is kind of how we got into this mess...

So we're still suck with 661 days of this hellmouth. Speaking of the Hellmouth, Buffy the Vampire Slayer ran for 144 episodes, bringing us to 517 (we're under the 2 year mark! Soon we'll all be saying "CHEERS!")

Hell, let's say it now! Cheers ran 273 episodes. Sure Trump is likely Cliff Clavin'ing the country, but we're under a year with a mere 244 days! Not too bad!

You know what is bad? Breaking Bad! Have you seen it? Then watch it again! 62 episodes. Only 182 days to go stuck in this arrested development (I think you see what I did there)

Arrested Development, 68 episodes. 114 days left. 
(Chicken Dance Break):

OK, 114 days. We could do that on our heads...but let's watch Archer instead, with 85 episodes (to date).

WE ARE NOW UNDER A MONTH! 29 Days until we get back to my so called life...

My So Called Life, 19 episodes (really, that's it?)...

Bringing us to a countdown of 10!

Well, why not watch the 10 episode Netflix documentary series, Making a Murder...because if we have to do another 4 years of this, I might kill someone!

Waiting For REAL Life To Begin

Since November 8th and, even more so, since January 20th Colin Hay's song "Waiting For My Real Life To Begin" has been going through my head.

The idea that THIS distraction isn't "real life" is impossibly strong.

This song perfectly describes the look on Reince Priebus' face in the following picture:

It's as if he's waiting for the REAL President to come into the Oval Office. But that's just silly. Steve Bannon would never be in a room with that many black people.

Our Next State of the Union Will Be Tweeted

Article II, Section 3 of the Constitution stipulates that the president “shall from time to time give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union, and recommend to their Consideration such Measures as he shall judge necessary and expedient.” 

Nowhere is it stated that the President has to publicly deliver their SOTU to Congress. It may be written. Which begs this question:

Will Donald Trump Tweet his State of the Union address?

Technically, he could.

Obviously, we're talking about a year from now. So a lot of things could happen. But it's not something that is as far fetched as it might first sound. A few tidbits about the history of the State of the Union (because we all love us some tidbits!)

The first State of the Union was delivered to Congress by the first President of the United States, George Washington. Washington delivered his speech in person on January 8th, 1790. Being the first SOTU address, you'd assume it was possibly one of the longest. After all, there was an awful lot of "state" to discuss, after a war and declaration of our independence and such. Well...not even close! At 1089 words long, it was the shortest SOTU to date. Washington would go on to deliver, in person, all eight of his addresses to Congress. Washington's successor, John Adams would also deliver all of his in person. However, as a one term President, he'd only get to do it on half as many occasions.

Thomas Jefferson, a gifted scribe, but generally accepted poor public speaker, would instead choose to send his SOTU to Congress in written form. A tradition that continued until over a hundred years later (1913), when Woodrow Wilson once again addressed Congress in person.

From that point on, it varied with most Presidents preferring to address Congress in person. In fact, the last President to send their speech in writing was Jimmy Carter in 1981. And at 33,667 words, who could blame him! This also happened to be the longest State of the Union in history. So, back to Mr. Trump. Let's say he decides to Tweet his speech to Congress. Could he do it? We all know he could. After all, firing off a "tweetstorm" seems to be the standard 10-forecast with him.

But I mean, could he do it, legally?

While I'm not a Constitutional scholar (our current President is, let's keep HIM!), it could be argued that Tweeting would fulfill the requirement to "...give to the Congress Information of the State of the Union." I'm certain Mr. Trump would judge every one of his tweets as necessary and suggest Tweeting is in fact, the most expedient method of delivery.

But how would he do it?

Let's discount the fact that he could probably Tweet throughout the year and call that a "State of the Union," under the lax definition of "time to time."

Instead let's breakdown what it would look like if he picked one night in January of 2018 to send a hailstorm of Tweets.

First off, how many Tweets would it require?

As mentioned above States of the Union have varied in length from 1089 to 33,667 words!

That's a ton! And even before that, Twitter limits each Tweet to 140 characters, not words.

So we're going to have to get a little creative with our math and take a couple leaps of faith (two things Republicans LOVE to do!)

According to Peter Norvig, a computer scientist (as well as the Director of research at Google)

The average is 4.79 letters per word, and 80% are between 2 and 7 letters long.

This breakdown includes words that are often reused in sentences, like "and" or "the" etc. This seems perfect for our assessment as Tweets are often repetitive. Also, most people Tweeting know how to use "shorthand" writing to allow for minimal character usage. So we'll round up to 5. Then, we'll even add another to our number since Luminoso, an artificial-intelligence analytics company, once determined Trump's most used words were "disaster," "NAFTA," and "border." Which average out to closer to 6.

Also his favorite word is six letters, "Donald."

According to StateoftheUnion.onetwothree.net, they have tracked 230 speeches.
*Though, some of which admittedly are not official "States of the Union," but rather speeches given at the start of a President's administration. This has been the practice since Reagan took office in 1981.

So 230 speeches with 1,770,245 words (only 27,802 are unique words - I guess there really aren't any new ideas). This brings us to 7696.7 words on average.

Far be it from me to label Mr. Trump average (or normal for that matter), so we'll go ahead and bump his up to 7800 words. This is almost 500 words longer than President Obama's longest address, so this should make Trump fans happy (as if anything ever could).

7800 words x 6 letters/characters per word = 46800 characters.

That alone would be 334 Tweets (It's like me watching an awards show!)

BUT WAIT! We're not done. 

Those are just Tweets without being addressed to anyone. These need to be address to Congress. Here's the rub: Congress doesn't have a Twitter account. Oh sure, each Congress Person does...some more than 1 account. And then different caucuses and subgroups have them...but there isn't a @Congress account. At least not one without this warning:

Tweeting too many dickpics, right?

So instead, we're going to have to use a hashtag. #CONGRESS takes up 9 characters (including the number sign), so let's fine something shorter. How about #SOTU? 5 characters, but that means it's going to be used 334 times bumping up the actual number of tweets needed. So in the art of this deal let's do this:

334 x 5 = 1675
46800 + 1675 = 48475
48475 \ 140 = 347 

THAT'S 347 TWEETS!

So there you have it. 347 Tweets could be the next State of the Union address by the soon to be President of the United States. An address which was once written (8 times) by the same man of careful composition who wrote our Declaration of Independence.

"But Kevin! Donald Trump would never miss out on the face time he gets with The State of the Union."

Really?
You think he'd pass up being the #FIRST person to give the State of the Union in such a unique way?

Besides, how else can he properly displace his love for Vladimir Putin than by Tweeting this gem in the middle of his stately address?

We'll know next January.

Halloween Costumes for 2016

Having problems coming up with a costume idea for 2016? REALLY?!? A shit ton of things happened this year!

If you're like me, you can't just throw any old thing on for Halloween. You want to be topical. You want to be clever. You want to be original.

But, as I have pointed out in previous years - topical, clever, and original need NOT go hand in hand with obscene:

2010

and

2014

So right off the bat let's eliminate some things from 2016 that the T.C.O. goals we have for a Halloween Party.

#1 - Anything involving Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or even Bernie Sanders

The Politician to Harley Quinn ratio at parties this Halloween will be off the chart. So let's agree to skip them altogether - the politicians. I am TOTALLY fine with everyone dressing up like Harley Quinn!

"But I've already printed out 33,000 emails for my Hillary costume!"
Of course you have. That's not clever. And you've killed an entire forest, you asshole.

"Oh! What if I do the Hillary mask AND a prison jumpsuit? Original right?"
Sure...you'll be the life of Mike Huckabee's Halloween party.

Come on! Don't try to recycle last year's Orange is the New Black costume, just because you still haven't put it away yet.

"Devil horns?"
Fuck off!

Prediction: a Janet Jackson/Hillary Clinton "Nasty" mashup. You'll see it. In fact you'll probably see two. So much for original.

"Surely it's OK if I dress up like Donald J. Trump, right?"

No.

"How about "sexy" Trump?"
What is wrong with YOU?!?

Look! Even Trump doesn't want to look like Trump this Halloween. He'll be wearing a costume just like everyone else. Based on this photo from his private dressing room, it appears he'll be going as a ghost:

And before you go ordering your "sexy" Kenneth Bone costume from Zandy.com for $99.99, remember last minute crazes like this are almost ALWAYS a bust.

Everyone who waited until the last minute will jump on whatever is hot a week before Halloween. This explains why you have that Charlie Sheen mask sitting next to your Orange is the New Black costume you still haven't put away.

Seriously! Spring Cleaning! Look into it!

#2 - Anything Political

Sure Trump & Hillary cover just about everything political right now, but keep in mind many other political figures have made the headlines this year.

Whether you decide to dress as Ben Carson and wait in the hallway to the party all night, or as Gary Johnson and not get invited at all, it's probably best to keep your political costumes on the side line this year.

Even mashup costumes, like Lost "Cosplaying" Antonin Scalia are probably a no go until things settle a bit politically.

That said, if you've got your heard set on that Marco Rubio Rubix Cube idea, who am I to judge?

#3 - This is a good time to bring up DEAD CELEBRITIES!

Look, I know as soon as you heard David Bowie died, you freak out and thought, "WHAT A GREAT HALLOWEEN COSTUME!" Only to amend that idea as soon as you heard Prince died.
(Apologies if you are just hearing this news now...)

2016 was a rough year for celebrity deaths. Which is why you're likely to see Snape, Hans Gruber, and the Sheriff of Knottingham all fighting over the crudités at this year's party. By Grabthar's hammer! Alexander Danes gets first dibs!

(I'll give you a second to Google that...all done? Great.)

"But I'm the world's biggest Gene Wilder fan! I need to honor his career!"
Really? Look, you know Willy Wonka and Young Frankenstein. You also know he was in some comedies with Richard Pryor, but you can't tell the difference between Stir Crazy and Silver Streak, so let's not get crazy with "world's biggest fan."
But, I'm not unreasonable. If you must dress up as a Gene Wilder character, you can be Eugene Grizzard.

"Who's Eugene Grizzard?"
Exactly! You're NOT the world's biggest Gene Wilder fan!

#4 - Zombie Harambe

Yes, we all know what happened to Harambe, and it was terrible. Adding "zombie" in front of his name won't bring him back even if it does have a kind of nice sound to it.

And yes, Harambe technically falls into the dead celebrity category. He's been Googled more times this year than Nicolas Cage, and Nicolas Cage is still alive...presumably (I didn't check).

Editor's Note: Zombie Harambe is a bad idea for a Halloween costume, but a catchy title to a novelty song. Perhaps to the music of the Cranberries?

#5 - El Chapo

El No-No!

#6 - Brex-It

I'm not up on as much of the news as I should be, so I'm not exactly sure what this is. I assume it's a breakfast eating Pennywise the clown from Stephen King's, "It":

While clowns are HOT this year, they are also likely to get you shot while driving to the party.

#7 - Olympic Gold Medalist Ryan Lochte

Let's not forget, before he bleached his hair and then saw it turn green, or got drunk and beat the crap out of a poor, defenseless bathroom (who's wall he urinated on), this was that same gold medalist:

Awwww...he thinks it's food.

You can do better. We can ALL do better. Much, MUCH better.

#8 - A POKEMON Jim?

I don't know what that is...maybe this guy?

************************************************

Look, based on everything going on around the world right now it's probably best if none of us tries to reach too high and be clever or original.

Maybe we should all just agree to wear the same costume so as to not cause any fights or ruffle any feathers.

If so, I vote for this one:

2016 Presidential Beauty Pageant

Tonight officially kicks off the beginning of the 2016 Presidential race. Tonight also marks the end of an era...

Choose wisely...or just throw a dart and see who you hit.

(Seriously, throw a fucking dart at them!)

Tonight is like Halloween for politico junkies. Everyone puts on "costumes," and by the end of the night, you've ingested so much garbage, you think you're going to throw up.

FoxNews, who surprisingly is hosting the Republican Debate, has chosen the 10 candidates who will compete. 3 of whom are polling in double digits and 4 of whom are polling at 5% or less.

What is the structure of tonight's contest? Well, without doing any research, I'll assume it looks something like this:

1. Composite Score

Composite Scores are calculated from data in multiple variables. Vague, right?

This can pretty much be summed up by the candidate's polling numbers which are pulled from everything from their sporting prowess...

(From left to right: Chris Christie (Gov-NJ) in a snowball fight, Marco Rubio (Sen-FL) stealing someone's ball, and Rand Paul (Sen-KY) both stretching and "showing off the goods.")

...to their top score in Dig Dug.

(Scott Walker (Gov-WI) doing his "Victory" dance after getting the all time high score on Dig Dug - thus gaining support from Big Oil Companies everywhere).

2. Talent

Of course, the Talent portion of the competition is where MOST of the candidates falter, seeing as none of them have any real talent (that's why they are politicians after all). This year, in an effort to make candidates seem reasonably talented, FoxNews has deemed this the "Pointing competition."

All candidates will stand and point, and be judged on style, body position, and "pointiness." Though all excel in pointing, the front runners are as follows:

(From left to right: Scott Walker's "Wink & Shoot"), Chris Christie's "I'll Kick Your Ass," and Ted Cruz's (Sen-TX) "Almost a 'Shocker'.")

The biggest underdogs in this category are Jeb Bush & Marco Rubio:

Sources report that John Kasich (Gov-OH) has been working tirelessly with 2012 Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney to improve his game.

Though, the man to beat in the "Pointing Competition" is clearly Donald Trump.

3. Evening Wear

This might be the most controversial of all the categories in tonight's event, as has been pointed out by FoxNews, "judging men based on what they are wearing is demeaning."

Personally, I think this is ridiculous. I think it clearly makes them look smarter and more engaged. But a "hater's gonna hate, hate, hate..."

EXCLUSIVE! We have been able to acquire many of the outfits in advance of tonight's Evening Wear Competition:

4. On-Stage Question

Candidates will each be asked 1 question. Some past favorites include "What's your favorite ice cream," or "Can I have a hug?"

As always, candidates will NOT be obligated to answer the question they are asked. They are permitted to answer an entirely different question, just rattle off a bunch of unrelated "talking points," or PASS.

This section is expected to last about 3 minutes, including the commercial break.

5. Music Break

Now that we are about 10 minutes into this 2 hour event, we'll have a mini concert for the next hour and 40 minutes. 

Luckily, FoxNews was able to book Mike Huckabee and the Hucka-Burning-Love Band. 

Rumor has it, that Josh Duggar will join "The Hucker" on stage to do a moving rendition of "Can't Help Falling In Love."

Then there will be a video montage of all of the candidate's American Flag pins followed by the event we have ALL been waiting for:

6. The Swimsuit Competition

HELLO NURSE!

And that's pretty much it.

So tune in...

If you have a suggested question, go ahead and submit via Twitter with the hashtag: #megynkellydebatequestions or just go ahead and read some of those SWEET questions already tweeted.

And the end of the era I spoke of...

After tonight's debate, one of my idols, Jon Stewart, will end his 16 year reign behind the desk at The Daily Show.

16 years. That's 4 Presidential terms. 2 Presidents (1 of whom was good).

I'll miss you, Jon. 

I am grateful for the 16 years,

I am happy you are leaving on top and on your own terms.

I wish you well.

I long to see what you do next.

Thank You, Sir.

#JonVoyage