Thursday, August 6, 2015

2016 Presidential Beauty Pageant

Tonight officially kicks off the beginning of the 2016 Presidential race. Tonight also marks the end of an era...

Choose wisely...or just throw a dart and see who you hit.
(Seriously, throw a fucking dart at them!)

Tonight is like Halloween for politico junkies. Everyone puts on "costumes," and by the end of the night, you've ingested so much garbage, you think you're going to throw up.

FoxNews, who surprisingly is hosting the Republican Debate, has chosen the 10 candidates who will compete. 3 of whom are polling in double digits and 4 of whom are polling at 5% or less.

What is the structure of tonight's contest? Well, without doing any research, I'll assume it looks something like this:

1. Composite Score

Composite Scores are calculated from data in multiple variables. Vague, right?

This can pretty much be summed up by the candidate's polling numbers which are pulled from everything from their sporting prowess...

(From left to right: Chris Christie (Gov-NJ) in a snowball fight, Marco Rubio (Sen-FL) stealing someone's ball, and Rand Paul (Sen-KY) both stretching and "showing off the goods.") their top score in Dig Dug.

(Scott Walker (Gov-WI) doing his "Victory" dance after getting the all time high score on Dig Dug - thus gaining support from Big Oil Companies everywhere).

2. Talent

Of course, the Talent portion of the competition is where MOST of the candidates falter, seeing as none of them have any real talent (that's why they are politicians after all). This year, in an effort to make candidates seem reasonably talented, FoxNews has deemed this the "Pointing competition."

All candidates will stand and point, and be judged on style, body position, and "pointiness." Though all excel in pointing, the front runners are as follows:

(From left to right: Scott Walker's "Wink & Shoot"), Chris Christie's "I'll Kick Your Ass," and Ted Cruz's (Sen-TX) "Almost a 'Shocker'.")

The biggest underdogs in this category are Jeb Bush & Marco Rubio:

Sources report that John Kasich (Gov-OH) has been working tirelessly with 2012 Presidential Candidate, Mitt Romney to improve his game.

Though, the man to beat in the "Pointing Competition" is clearly Donald Trump.

3. Evening Wear

This might be the most controversial of all the categories in tonight's event, as has been pointed out by FoxNews, "judging men based on what they are wearing is demeaning."

Personally, I think this is ridiculous. I think it clearly makes them look smarter and more engaged. But a "hater's gonna hate, hate, hate..."

EXCLUSIVE! We have been able to acquire many of the outfits in advance of tonight's Evening Wear Competition:

4. On-Stage Question

Candidates will each be asked 1 question. Some past favorites include "What's your favorite ice cream," or "Can I have a hug?"

As always, candidates will NOT be obligated to answer the question they are asked. They are permitted to answer an entirely different question, just rattle off a bunch of unrelated "talking points," or PASS.

This section is expected to last about 3 minutes, including the commercial break.

5. Music Break

Now that we are about 10 minutes into this 2 hour event, we'll have a mini concert for the next hour and 40 minutes. 

Luckily, FoxNews was able to book Mike Huckabee and the Hucka-Burning-Love Band. 

Rumor has it, that Josh Duggar will join "The Hucker" on stage to do a moving rendition of "Can't Help Falling In Love."

Then there will be a video montage of all of the candidate's American Flag pins followed by the event we have ALL been waiting for:

6. The Swimsuit Competition


And that's pretty much it.
So tune in...

If you have a suggested question, go ahead and submit via Twitter with the hashtag:  or just go ahead and read some of those SWEET questions already tweeted.

And the end of the era I spoke of...

After tonight's debate, one of my idols, Jon Stewart, will end his 16 year reign behind the desk at The Daily Show.

16 years. That's 4 Presidential terms. 2 Presidents (1 of whom was good).

I'll miss you, Jon. 
I am grateful for the 16 years,
I am happy you are leaving on top and on your own terms.
I wish you well.
I long to see what you do next.
Thank You, Sir.


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