Friday, August 21, 2015

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

According to Socrates, "The unexamined life is not worth living." asks a mere 18 questions before suggesting what it thinks you should do as a career. Not exactly well "examined."

Therefore, according to Socrates &'s combined findings, if your job sucks, you should kill yourself. (Spurious Reasoning by Kevin Regan)

At what age did you know what you wanted to do for a career?

When I was about 10 years old, I knew I wanted two things: to be Alyssa Milano's boyfriend & play for the Philadelphia Phillies. The closest I got to either of these was a poster of Alyssa Milano from Teen Steam that hung on my wall and dropping a foul ball lined off the bat of David Bell in the second half of a doubleheader against the Detroit Tigers on June 17, 2004. Harry Kalas said something to the effect of, "Oh, that's too bad..." on the broadcast. I know this because immediately after dropping the ball my wife called me to say, "I saw you drop the ball." Something Alyssa Milano NEVER would have done! interviewed a wide range of kids from 5 to 12 years old, to determine what their "dream job" would be. I'd assume there'd be a tie across the board for Superhero & Ice Cream Truck Driver.

But some of their answers were even worse than that:


A word I'll never be able to spell correctly on the first try. According to NASA, depending on their skill level, they can make between $65K and $100K a year. BUT they get to fire laser beams at shit whenever they want, so the benefits are a huge bonus!

Here's a list of Astronauts who have died horribly while doing their job. So maybe that laser beam thing isn't exactly all it's cracked up to be.


See! I wasn't alone in wanting to play for the Phillies. But unless you're Lebron James, or A-Rod or Tiger Woods, the mean average salary for athletes is just under $72K per year. Which sounds okay until you factor in the likelihood of concussions and severe jock itch. 


I assume this doesn't include dancing at sporting events..but just in case, I included the video!

Jazz hands and spirit fingers aside, a dancer's mean salary is under $14 per hour! So if you work a 40 hour work week 52 weeks a year, you're looking at about $29K. You might need a part time job to help make ends meet. Perhaps as an associate at In-N-Out Burger who make, on average, $11.17 per hour. 

You can read a great piece that Emma John wrote for the Guardian about the horrors that happen to dancer's (primarily ballerinas) feet. I spared you pictures for this one.


This one baffles me. Most kids cry at the Doctor's Office. So why in the hell would they want to BE a Doctor? It's possible they're sadistic little buggers, in which case we better keep an eye on them. Or, it's possible, they like the prospect of making north of 100K. Even more if they're a specialist. I'm going to go with Sadistic though.


Now we're talking! I admit, I saw Adam West's Batman slide down the Batpole and I wanted IN! But since there's only 1 Batman (West, Keaton, Kilmer, Clooney, Bale, Affleck - the list has since grown), I figured a Firefighter was the next best thing.

But you have to actually FIGHT FUCKING FIRES! Dude, even Batman only fought a burn victim!

The mean salary for a firefighter is $44K and some change. Many are even volunteers! So remember that the next time you see one in Denny's at 2 in the morning, and buy them a cup of coffee.\



If you're a kid and you want someone to hate you, just sit near them in a restaurant...or a movie theater...or an airplane...

Average salary $118K

Movie Star.

This is more like it. Nothing like exchanging your privacy & sanity for weird stories & an uncontrollable "blow" addiction. OH! You probably meant an actor (you didn't). 

Most actors I know have various "other" jobs to keep themselves afloat. Forbes lists the average salary at just under $50K, though that varies GREATLY!

The actual Child Movie Star life has been WELL documented. If you're having problems finding them, Google: Corey Feldman.

Police Officer.

Like the Firefighters...minus the pole.

Giving a gun to a kid seems like the American Way I suppose...

Mean salary: around $50K

Rock Star.

Stop complaining your piano lessons, Ariel!

Then see what I said about "Movie Star" and change "Rock Star" to "Musician"...AND develop an uncontrollable "blow" addition.

According to Forbes (who has clearly NEVER met a musician), the average salary "can be" upwards of $56K.


Don't waste your time. They are just arrogant assholes who spend their time ripping apart other people's dreams when they're not busy getting phone calls from their wives telling them they dropped the ball on national television. 

Salary? Click here for answer.

1 comment:

Matt Lichtenwalner said...

Can't believe mobile mapper didn't make the list.

Oh. Wait.

Yes I can.