So Julie joined a gym. She’s already in great shape, but since we are going to
Aruba for our 10 year wedding anniversary, she decided a gym was in order. Crap!
That means I have two choices:
One - I can be the fat guy with the trophy wife on an island. This won’t do! Here’s why: People will assume I have money. I don’t! They’ll expect me to pay top price for everything. I steal shampoo bottles! They’ll expect me to tip over 12%. OK, I won’t even joke here and pretend I’m a bad tipper for the sake of “the rule of three.” Truthfully, I am the best tipper you will ever meet. I have even stopped going out to dinner with certain friends because they are such horrendous tippers.*
*Note, if we’ve been out to dinner in the past and we don’t go out anymore it’s probably just because I’ve been busy, not because you’re a cheapo fuckwad.
Two – I have to start getting myself into “beach shape.” I am not exactly sure what “beach shape” is, but I know I’m not in it, nor have I ever been in my entire life. So I’ will need to block out some time daily to exercise, but here’s the rub: I am busy as hell! I am currently working on Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson which opens in 3 weeks, I am performing with ComedySportz on average 3 times a month and of course I have to find time to watch all the porn on the internet. There’s a lot.
So when can a brother hit the treadmill? How about 6:00 am?
Yep, I have been getting up, most days, at about 6:00 am to lift weights (they’re heavy) and run. After which I sit on the front porch and read the newspaper before showering and going to work. On the way to work I buy a banana and yogurt (lowfat). I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve turned into “that guy.”
Then today, I noticed something. After finishing my banana I started on my my yogurt. When I pulled the foil off the yogurt a bunch of it shot on my arm. This has become such a routine that I have napkins on my desk to address this. You can’t open the yogurt without getting sprayed with some of it. So I clean myself off and eat it. That’s when it occurred to me, that to get into “beach shape” I suck down a banana and end up covered in yogurt. Perhaps I’ve become “that guy!”
Honestly, it’s not a whole hell of a lot different than the looking a porn thing…I just get up a lot earlier.
Google Image says that's yogurt. Let's assume it is.