Wednesday, June 11, 2014

The Lindsay Lohan Sex List - REVEALED

The discovery & exploration of The Lindsay Lohan sex list is NOT new news. 

I love that In Touch has the water mark on it, admitting, they were the one's digging through Lohan's trash.

In fact a lot of the celebrity sites have covered this as voraciously as CNN continues to cover missing Flight 370. (Still missing guys)

Before I go on, let me say this: I like Lindsay Lohan. I do. I always have. The first time I saw her was in the Freaky Friday remake. I thought she was cute, and enjoyed her performance in the film. I loved her in Mean Girls, and think she brought real heart to that role. 

I also am NOT attempting to "slut shame" her. I think it's a bullshit double standard that we as a society judge men differently than women when it comes to quantity of lovers...quality however is open to interpretation as is evident from the list. 

The big question now, is who are the names left off of the list. In CNN fashion, I shall randomly guess who they are for you with very little facts to support my theories (I'm basically going to see what topics are trending on Twitter and assume they are the answer). 

But first who are the people we KNOW are on the list? Let's meet them to better help determine Lindsay's "type." 

1. Ashton Kutcher AKA The Kutch.

Had "Ghost" lady Demi Moore not muddled things up, this could have been a huge power couple. But alas, The Kutch is left asking, "Dude, Where's My Vagina?" 


3. Ryan Philippe AKA Mr. Witherspoon.

Maybe he's attempting to bulk up and win her back... 

4. Stavros Niarchos.

He was head over heels for Lindsay, and is still holding out hope that she calls his finger phone. 

5. PC Valmorbida.

The guy eats poker chips. She was probably wise not to bet the house on him. 

6. J. Phoenix.

The sleuth detectives online have determined this is Joaquin Phoenix. His answer to the question, "Any chance of rekindling that flame?" is pictured above. 


8. Lucas Haas.

One can only hope that this is not a recent photo. 

9. Nico Tortorella.

He is a conjoined twin who is part dog. The ladies love, them I suppose. 

10. Evan Peters.

He's a nice boy, unfortunately he's made of ice cream and must stay in climates with cooler temperatures. 

11. Danny Cipriani.

His biggest downfall is he's a HUGE Hulk Hogan fan. He does that "ear thing" all damn day! 

12. Maggio Cipriani.

Not related to Danny. I have to wonder if Lindsay was just going through the phone book at this point. By the way Maggio's head has a terrible smoking habit. 

13. Benicio Del Toro.

He was too tame for our Lindsay. 

14. Aaron Voros or as Lindsay lists him Aaron (Rangers). 

Her biggest complaint was he "just laid there." To be fair she might have been talking about how he plays hockey. (BAM! down 3 games to 0 in the Stanley Cup Finals - though Vorons is no longer on the Rangers)

15. Fez. 

"Good Day. I said the weather on Monday & Tuesday seem like it'll be a good day!" 


17. Jamie Burke.

Wax those eyebrows and I think she'd be quite fetching. Is she a Hemingway? 

18. Jamie Dornan (or Jamie 2).

Look at this dreamboat. Is it any surprise Lindsay parleyed *(par - "laid") with him? 

*You know what? Fuck You! They can't all be gold!

19. Zac Effron.

Football not included. 

20. Orlando Bloom.

His past problems with dwarfs aside, I could see how cupid's arrow would pierce Lindsay's heart. (OK, even I admit I'm not even trying anymore)

21. JT. 

He...(don't do it, Kevin!)...He (don't do it!)...He put a (LOOK! You know it's obvious. And it's probably been done a million times. DON'T!!!) Ok... 



DAMMIT! I'm sorry guys. 

22. Brian @ GPH

Joey NO Pants as Cypher

No one seems to know what this means. In fact, it may be a cypher, which once figured out, explains the (BLANK) names as well. There's a TON of speculation on line. Was it supposed to say Brian @ NPH meaning Brian at Neil Patrick Harris's? Probably not. That's just kind of stupid. So I'll assume it should read "Brian @ Gram Parson's House." Still not sure who the fuck Brian is. 

23. Josh Mond.

The Robert Downey Jr cloning machine has almost been perfected. My guess is it'll rival Google Glass by Christmas. 

24. Colin Farrell.

Ladies, the truth is he's hideous...but he hypnotizes with his eyes! 

25. Heath Ledger.

It's rumored they swapped make up tips. 

26. Ryan Rottman.

He's a LOST fan. I can dig it. 

27. Max George.

That's two first names there Mr. Selfish. I dare you to find a photo of him online where he's NOT giving a "thumbs up." 

28. Guy Berryman.

The bass player from Coldplay. Couldn't get a guitarist, could ya? 

29. James Franco.

Never heard of him. 

30. Adam Levine.

I hear the ladies think he's gorgeous. I'm as skeptical as you are Lil Rock. 

31. Garrett Hedlund.

Seen here being held by a model. Word is he is 12 inches long and has 30 points of articulation. 

32. Riley S. 

Again, lots of speculation on this one. 
No one can agree who it is, but I'd like to point out that Riley is also a chick's name! YOOWZAA! 


34. Petey Wright.

He lives in constant fear of his hair going missing. I hear ya, pal. 



So there are 6 people who's names haven't yet been revealed (and 2 more who are vague at best). Here's my attempt to unravel the missing 6. TMZ, feel free to run with these:

2. Eric Cantor.

This guy's name is everywhere today. Is it because he slept with Lindsay? Let's assume yes.

7. World B. Free.

Everyone is talking about World's Cup. Including Lindsay? You betcha!

16. BLANK.

No really, it's Mel Blanc. The voice of Bugs BunnyDaffy Duck & Porky Pig to name a few. Unfortunately, he died in 1989 and born in that makes Mel...HEY! ALLOW ME TO DIRECT YOU BACK UP TO #8. Lucas was pretty Awkward.

33. El Nino.

Lindsay has said that El Nino has gotten her wet in the past. So...

35. Goose.

Not A. E. guys (Anthony Edwards to his close friends), but the actual Top Gun character, "Goose." I don't know how to explain it exactly. Maybe it was a rip in the fabric of reality or perhaps just some scintillating Slash Fiction, but he was definitely in a 4G inverted dive with her MIG 28.

And finally...

36. Herbert Buggington

He rear ended her, and the rest is history!

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