Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Some Fortune Cookie Bullshit


1. Chance or luck as an external, arbitrary force affecting human affairs: "some malicious act of fortune keeps them separate".
2. Luck, esp. good luck

When did we start accepting the bullshit that the Chinese have been putting in our fortune cookies?  

There was a time, when you'd get an honest to goodness fortune.  "The next time you walk through a door frame, your dick will fall off."  BAM!  That's a fucking fortune!  That's some one who has the BALLS to prognosticate coming events in your life.  That's a good goddamn cookie!

Now fortune cookies are watered down bullshit that won't hurt anyone's feelings.  They tell you  "you have a winning smile" or "the early bird gets the worm."  Who wants a worm?  I don't even fish asshole!

By far the worst "fortune" I ever got was one which read "Maybe you can live on the moon in next century."  What?  Maybe.  That's it?  Kind of hedging your bets there aren't ya?   and I like that it doesn't say "in the next century" but rather the less than atypical Asian stereotype of neglecting to include articles in a sentence.  

*Side note, I always think of Asians when I hear the word "stereotype," because they invented stereos.

I want a fortune to predict coming events.  I don't care if they actually happen.  
"You will be raped by Wilfred Brimley."  
Odds are I don't WANT it to happen!


And when did fortune cookie start putting lottery numbers on the back?  There are like 8 numbers.  What fucking lotto game uses 8 numbers?  And which day should I play them?  Damn you Chinese food, I have no fortune!  I don't know my lottery numbers!  AND I'M HUNGRY AGAIN!

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