Also Known As...

Do you think this is hanging in a post office some where?

WANTED:

Qaddafi, Muammar

Alias:

Al-Gathafi, Muammar

al-Qadhafi, Muammar

Al Qathafi, Mu'ammar

Al Qathafi, Muammar

El Gaddafi, Moamar

El Kadhafi, Moammar

El Kazzafi, Moamer

El Qathafi, Mu'Ammar

Gadafi, Muammar

Gaddafi, Moamar

Gadhafi, Mo'ammar

Gathafi, Muammar

Ghadafi, Muammar

Ghaddafi, Muammar

Ghaddafy, Muammar

Gheddafi, Muammar

Gheddafi, Muhammar

Kadaffi, Momar

Kad'afi, Mu`amar al- 20

Kaddafi, Muamar

Kaddafi, Muammar

Kadhafi, Moammar

Kadhafi, Mouammar

Kazzafi, Moammar

Khadafy, Moammar

Khaddafi, Muammar

Moamar al-Gaddafi

Moamar el Gaddafi

Moamar El Kadhafi

Moamar Gaddafi

Moamer El Kazzafi

Mo'ammar el-Gadhafi

Moammar El Kadhafi

Mo'ammar Gadhafi

Moammar Kadhafi

Moammar Khadafy

Moammar Qudhafi

Mu`amar al-Kad'afi

Mu'amar al-Kadafi

Muamar Al-Kaddafi

Muamar Kaddafi

Muamer Gadafi

Muammar Al-Gathafi

Muammar al-Khaddafi

Mu'ammar al-Qadafi

Mu'ammar al-Qaddafi

Muammar al-Qadhafi

Mu'ammar al-Qadhdhafi

Mu`ammar al-Qadhdhāfī 50

Mu'ammar Al Qathafi

Muammar Al Qathafi

Muammar Gadafi

Muammar Gaddafi

Muammar Ghadafi

Muammar Ghaddafi

Muammar Ghaddafy

Muammar Gheddafi

Muammar Kaddafi

Muammar Khaddafi

Mu'ammar Qadafi

Muammar Qaddafi

Muammar Qadhafi

Mu'ammar Qadhdhafi

Muammar Quathafi

Mulazim Awwal Mu'ammar Muhammad Abu Minyar al-Qadhafi

Qadafi, Mu'ammar

Qadhafi, Muammar

Qadhdhāfī, Mu`ammar

Qathafi, Mu'Ammar el 70

Quathafi, Muammar

Qudhafi, Moammar

Moamar AI Kadafi

Maummar Gaddafi

Moamar Gadhafi

Moamer Gaddafi

Moamer Kadhafi

Moamma Gaddafi

Moammar Gaddafi

Moammar Gadhafi

Moammar Ghadafi

Moammar Khadaffy

Moammar Khaddafi

Moammar el Gadhafi

Moammer Gaddafi

Mouammer al Gaddafi

Muamar Gaddafi

Muammar Al Ghaddafi

Muammar Al Qaddafi

Muammar Al Qaddafi

Muammar El Qaddafi

Muammar Gadaffi

Muammar Gadafy

Muammar Gaddhafi

Muammar Gadhafi

Muammar Ghadaffi

Muammar Qadthafi

Muammar al Gaddafi

Muammar el Gaddafy

Muammar el Gaddafi

Muammar el Qaddafi

Muammer Gadaffi

Muammer Gaddafi

Mummar Gaddafi

Omar Al Qathafi

Omar Mouammer Al Gaddafi

Omar Muammar Al Ghaddafi

Omar Muammar Al Qaddafi

Omar Muammar Al Qathafi

Omar Muammar Gaddafi

Omar Muammar Ghaddafi

Omar al Ghaddafi

Some Fortune Cookie Bullshit

for·tune/ˈfôrCHən/Noun

1. Chance or luck as an external, arbitrary force affecting human affairs: "some malicious act of fortune keeps them separate".

2. Luck, esp. good luck

When did we start accepting the bullshit that the Chinese have been putting in our fortune cookies?  

There was a time, when you'd get an honest to goodness fortune.  "The next time you walk through a door frame, your dick will fall off."  BAM!  That's a fucking fortune!  That's some one who has the BALLS to prognosticate coming events in your life.  That's a good goddamn cookie!

Now fortune cookies are watered down bullshit that won't hurt anyone's feelings.  They tell you  "you have a winning smile" or "the early bird gets the worm."  Who wants a worm?  I don't even fish asshole!

By far the worst "fortune" I ever got was one which read "Maybe you can live on the moon in next century."  What?  Maybe.  That's it?  Kind of hedging your bets there aren't ya?   and I like that it doesn't say "in the next century" but rather the less than atypical Asian stereotype of neglecting to include articles in a sentence.  

*Side note, I always think of Asians when I hear the word "stereotype," because they invented stereos.

I want a fortune to predict coming events.  I don't care if they actually happen.  

"You will be raped by Wilfred Brimley."  

Odds are I don't WANT it to happen!

OK...maybe.

And when did fortune cookie start putting lottery numbers on the back?  There are like 8 numbers.  What fucking lotto game uses 8 numbers?  And which day should I play them?  Damn you Chinese food, I have no fortune!  I don't know my lottery numbers!  AND I'M HUNGRY AGAIN!

Eliminating Whatever Irks You

So as I mentioned previously, the Improv class I had hoped to enroll in, sold out before my funds became available.  I attempted to work some "inside deals," but much like our Nation's budget meetings, nothing took.  I was told I was #2 on the waiting list.  Then it occurred to me, my friends Jim & Bill are enrolled.

My wife suggested I kill them, thus opening the 2 spots necessary for me to make the cut.  OK, she probably didn't.  But she did tell me to make a list of Pro's & Con's before running off to "eliminate whatever irks me."

So here we go.  Why and should/shouldn't kill Bill & Jim:

First, Sweet William -

Pro #1 (aka, why I should kill Bill) - the man has 20/20 vision.  Yet he mocks those of us who don't by wearing an EYEronic eye patch!  Also, he made me make an "ironic" spelling pun.

Con # 1 (aka, let my people go) - He reads comic books.  He's a hugh Batman fan.  That might be reason enough to let him live.

Pro # 2 - He's clearly already suicidal.  You'd be helping put him out of his misery.

Con # 2 - He's clearly already suicidal.  Don't waste your time, he'll do it eventually.

Pro # 3 - He's learned how to fly and that's some bullshit!

Con # 3 - He's protected by turtles.

Next, Jimmy Burns -

Pro # 1 (aka, burn baby Burns!) - He was in The Water Horse:  Legend of the Deep & didn't get me a free ticket.

Con # 1 - He was in The Water Horse:  Legend of the Deep & did get me a VHS bootleg.

Pro # 2 - He drinks & drives

Con # 2 - He's got a wicked ride!

Pro # 3 - He's got a better 'stash than me.

Con # 3 - He looks like Freddie Mercury.

But alas dear readers, the lives of these fine fellows have been saved.  Because last night I got some inside information that I am not at liberty to discuss at this time.

I can reveal however that it does involve this man...

...sometimes the world just has a way of balancing itself out, doesn't it?

USA is Closed

Why is the government going to shut down tonightat midnight ?  Because the new speaker of the house is fucking with Jed Bartlet!

OK, I admit for years I wanted The West Wing to come true, but I meant the Sorkin years, not the garbage John Wells wrote.  Seriously, Donna is going to blow up and Leo is going to have a heart attack in the woods.  Someone do something!

But the reality is the USA is closing up shop.

The government will shut down tonight at midnight to save money for the fine American tax payers.  What a great bunch of people that govern us.  I’m sorry what’s that?   It will actually cost taxpayers money to shut down?  And it will cost even more money to start back up again?  Then why the fuck are these twats shutting down?

The answer:  because my political party has a bigger dick than your political party.

"There is absolutely no way this saves money. Zip," said Bo Cutter, former director of the National Economic Council and a senior fellow at the Roosevelt Institute (also, I would speculate, a Sorkin fan).

Though the White House says it will cost tax payers money, it has yet to produce an estimate of how much that bill will be.

"When you have to shut something down, that costs money, and ramping something back up costs money," said Jeffrey Zients, deputy director of the Office of Management and Budget (and owner of a “Wells SMELLS!” t-shirt).

So it will actually cost money to shut things down, then will cost additional money to start them back up.  But that’s not all, those costs will increase the longer a shutdown lasts.

"The longer a shutdown is in place, the more extensive the costs become," said John F. Cooney, a partner at law firm Venable (and an avid hater of John Wells)

But here’s the real kick in the teeth to everyone filing their income taxes by April 14th, when Congress eventually passes a spending bill ending the self imposed shut down, the "essential" workers who were kept on the job will automatically be paid for the time they worked during the shutdown.  I have no problem with this.  If you work, you should be paid.  But that’s only half of the story, the 800,000+ other federal employees, will very likely get back pay, even for days they didn't work.  Meaning, enjoy the vacation folks.  It’s on Joe Public!

There is no guarantee that this back pay will happen, however in every previous government shutdown, Congress has authorized it. 

Once a dickbag always a dickbag.

I know it’s not the fault, and likely not the wish for those government workers to be temporarily booted to the curb during the shut down, but if they do receive their back pay for “time off,” the work they should have been doing during that time will have piled up.  Meaning overtime will be issued when their back. 

Again paid for by tax payers like you and me and Aaron Sorkin.  And even John Wells.

Suicide is Painless, but How About a Fucking Light Show?

My "title" has nothing to do with this blog.  I just liked it...

I have always been and will always be broke.  My whole life I have paid for other people.  Not because I’m kind and certainly not because I’m rich, but instead because I’m impatient. 

I can’t stand around waiting for you to you buy your ticket at the movies after you show up 10 minutes late.  So I buy it.  Then I watch you get in line for fucking popcorn.  This is about the time I started seeing movies alone.

I hate people doing mathematic calculations to figure out exactly how much they owe on a dinner bill, down to the last penny. 

I also can’t stand shitty tippers.  In my life, there has been ONE time I “stiffed” a waiter on a tip.  And it was because he abandoned us.  Literally.  He never came back.  My brother was choking on something and had been waiting for his drink to be refilled for what seemed like a half hour.  I picked up his cup, walked into the kitchen and filled it.  The bus boy looked at me.  I said, “S’up.”  What else is there to say?  Free fucking refills bitches! 

Rather than wait for you to do calculus or make sure I can never show my face in an establishment because of your bad tipping technique, I pay the bill.  Not always, and definitely not as much lately.

Am I looking for people to pay it forward?  No.  Maybe for the tiniest bit of instant karma to hit me?  That’d be nice.

I got a text message from my friend, Emma Lee last week.  She was telling me about an Improv class that was coming up.  SWEET!  And on Tuesday nights!  Possibly the ONLY night I could swing an 8 week class with out disrupting this stupid artist lifestyle I juggle with my 9-5 (which is actually 8:30-5:30 – that’s how they getcha!).

Saturdays are always difficult, but will be made impossible because we’ll be shooting the second season of The Clink.  Even Sundays are a trick for the same reason.  So how perfect was this?  I jet from my 8:30-5:30 and show up with some time to spare for a 7pm Improv class throughout the Spring in Sunny Philadelphia!  What could possibly derail this genius plan?  I even have a few friends who have already inked their deal.

Unfortunately, I had to wait for pay day.  There was a time when putting $200 together wasn’t difficult.  Now some days it seems impossible.  So I sat down ready to sign up.  I even marked the class time off on my calendar.  Don’t want to double book myself after all. 

Nothing, in the English language, stings as much as the words “Sold Out.”  Maybe “malignant tumor,” but not much else.

All because I’m eternally poor.  This is why I haven’t been able to take my wife on a real vacation since our honeymoon 9 years ago.  This why another year of comic con comes and goes with many of my friends in attendance, but me sitting home pretending I don’t care. 

I hate being an artist. 

I hate not being able to just work.  Come home.  Eat dinner.  Watch TV.  And go to bed.

I hate having this…whatever it is.  Drive?  Non existent bank account?

I hate being an artist.

This is no way to live.

Also, I have just been outed as the Mayor of “The Blue Route.”  This is a bad week.

Everyone’s a Critic…Even the More Than Slightly Deranged!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20110404/ap_on_en_ot/us_painting_attacked_4

WASHINGTON – A woman accused of pounding on a painting by Paul Gauguin and trying to rip it from a wall at the National Gallery of Art told police the post-Impressionist artist was evil and the painting should be burned, court documents show.

How can a painting be evil?  Even John Wayne Gacy’s work isn’t evil...

…awful?  Sure, but evil?

Susan Burns, 53, of Arlington, Va., has been charged with attempted second-degree theft and destruction of property following the attack Friday.

This broad is 53 years old?  Are you telling me her critique of Gauguin’s painting, "Two Tahitian Women," is the first CRAZINESS she’s exhibited?

(The painting) valued at an estimated $80 million, was not damaged and will go back on view Tuesday, the National Gallery said in a statement. The picture is on loan from the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York for an exhibit titled "Gauguin: Maker of Myth."

This is not Wal-mart honey!  This thing actually has fucking value! 

The painting depicts two women standing next to each other, one with both breasts exposed and the other with one breast showing.  "I feel that Gauguin is evil,” said the batshit crazy bitch, “He has nudity and is bad for the children. He has two women in the painting and it's very homosexual. I was trying to remove it. I think it should be burned."

What child doesn’t love naked women?  Seriously, I’d take a poll if I was allowed anywhere near children. 

And what is she holding?  Pasta?  No one who eats pasta can be bad. 

Burns also said, "I am from the American CIA.  I have a radio in my head. I am going to kill you."

This brings me to my advice for the day:  Keep an eye on people using three short declarative sentences in a row...

...and be thankful nobody said "she has nudity"

Science vs. Humor

When I was in high school, I won 2 awards. 1 was perfect attendance my senior year (they must not have counted/known about ditched classes) the other was for “academic excellence” in Environmental Science. I actually off set the curve in Environmental Science on the final exam. It would be the first and only time this Regan did that (I’m sure “Brainiac” Erick did it on a regular basis).

When I looked at colleges, I actually looked at a school (though I don’t remember which one) that had a great Marine Biology program. I could have been a great oceanic explorer like Jacques Cousteau or James Cameron. But instead I decided I wanted to be a film maker like…well, Jacques Cousteau or James Cameron actually.

I even took an Environmental Science at Temple to satisfy a science requirement I needed. I went to 3 classes all year. The first, the midterm & the final. I got an A. I even helped a fellow film student, who was also enrolled in the class, study for the final. I don’t know what she got.

So here I am. Oh so many years later, trying to make people laugh at AIDS jokes and perfectly timed fart humor. I’ve yet to figure out how to make any money doing this, and the world is falling apart, so it’s very possible I made the wrong decision. But wouldn’t be crazy if the 2 ended up being each other’s solutions?

Perhaps my idea of using the AIDS quilt to sop up all that oil in the Gulf isn’t such a bad idea after all.