Monday, September 8, 2014

Sharks vs. Kayaks

Sharks vs. Jets er...Kayaks.

Jabberjaw in Top Gun would have been AWESOME!
NBCNews reports a story about two kayakers who's vessel was attacked by a Great White Shark in Massachusetts last week. A few of things:

  1. The word "vessel" always sounds like a penis to me. 
  2. Massachusetts sounds like "massive two shits," which, if I was attached by a Great White, you can be certain I'd release into my vessel.
  3. Who the fuck is taking a kayak into the ocean?
Yep. Two shits = MASSIVE!
According to George Burgess who maintains the International Shark Attack File at the Florida Museum of Natural History (some title!),

Folks in kayaks tend to be out there for ecotourism, and as a result, kayakers tend to be among concentrations of biota - including seals, and sharks."

Well, at least it answers the question "Who the fuck is taking a kayak into the ocean?" The answer, "Folks."

This guy is definitely going to get his own reality show.
Look, I'm as curious as the next guy. And I can totally appreciate wanting to explore The Ocean.

FULL CONFESSION HERE: I thought it would be clever to use a nickname for the ocean here, like the Great Pond. So I Googled "popular nicknames of the ocean." And what came up was a yahoo answers type page called "Cha Cha." These are the nicknames suggested:
  • Blue Water
  • The Liquidfier
  • Aqua Man
  • Rolling Tide

Blue Water. This sounds like an un-inventive product name for something you put in your toilet. "Get 5000 flushes with Blue Water." Yeah right! You get about 25 flushes before the color is back to a golden yellow because you're dehydrated.

The Liquidfier. I could imagine this as a last resort product you use to get your bowels moving. Something you find in the checkout aisle at the Dollar Tree.  Sure it'll be messy, but it'll clear you out - if it even works. Though I still recommend Kayaking in the ocean where Great Whites tend to feed to make yourself shit.

Aqua Man. Seriously? How in the fuck is the ocean named after one of the crappiest superheroes of all time? I'd sooner pick up a comic book with the title of The Liquidfier. Especially if his powers are based on the description above.

Rolling Tide. This is a Classic Rock Cover band. They play shows in between their lead singer's dialysis treatments.

I have a MUCH safer AND cheaper way to check out the "biota." It's called, "GET THE FUCKING DISCOVERY CHANNEL!"

It's part of your basic cable programming.
I found a kayak on LL Bean's website for $695.20. That's A LOT of money for something that is going to sit in your garage until you die and your kids sell it for $120 thinking that it's a fair price.

Hmmm...a quick glance at some upcoming shows on The Discovery channel reveal Overhaulin', Highway Thru Hell, and Fast N' Loud. All reality TV Show. Looks like my prediction about Kayak Folks isn't that far fetched an idea.

Well..okay, so based on the fall of The Discovery Channel, personal exploration is probably required. But can't you charter a boat instead? Surely it's much safer than a puny little kayak...

Fuck it. Just sit at home and read Aquaman comics...

...or a book.

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