Thursday, January 26, 2012

The Plague Has Many Victims

Yes Virginia, I am a mere mortal.

After, miraculously, avoiding catching Julie's Plague like flu, I got sick last week. Tuesday I started feeling more and more run down throughout the day. In the evening I went to get my hair cut (insert your lame ass bald joke here) and like Samson, found myself weaken in the aftermath. I called out of work on Wednesday and slept for about 12 hours. I caught up on movies I have missed over the years, including The French Connection (I was WAY behind).

I was feeling a bit better by Wednesday night so I went back to work on Thursday, against my wife's advice. I felt awful all day and was told I could go home at 1pm. However I was so busy, I ended up staying, skipping lunch and even staying late. What a dumbass! So I had NO problem calling out Friday. I slept 14 hours this time and picked up where I left off in my movie watching on Wednesday (I should have watched The French Connection 2).

Friday night I decided to stay it. This was a really tough decision because my friend Ben Smith had an album release party that night and The Big Lebowski was playing at The Colonial Theater. But I was still felling rundown and thought it best to "take it easy for all us sinners". Then I called my buddy Jim. I talked him, and myself, into not only doing one of these funtime things, but both of them! I warned Jim I was sick, but he didn't mind. So we met at Milkboy Cafe in Ardmore to celebrate Ben's CD dropping. We only got to stay for about 30 minutes of his set, but enjoyed it nonetheless. Then we headed for The Big Lebowski in Phoenixville in my car. Unfortunately, this flu I had was to display all sorts of unforeseen symptoms, such as getting pulled over by the fuzz!

Now some of you may remember, in a previous blog, I have been a bit lax in getting my license renewed. 5 years lax in fact. I have been busy! Christ I only just saw The French Connection. OK, this isn't entirely true. My license had been renewed, I just never got around to having the photo and the new license made. This often caused issues in bars (insert your lame ass drunken Irish joke here). I handed the copper my 5 year expired license and my registration. I didn't have my updated insurance card so he had to look them both up. He ended up giving me a warning and a notice to present the DL & insurance to the Lower Merion PD within the next 5 days. Doesn't he know I had planned to watch Birth of a Nation? Fine.

I got my DL photo. I was told you're no longer allowed to smile by friends before I went in for the photo. Apparently the people at this DMV didn't know that (or about technology past the 8 track). They let me smile while proudly wearing my Gryffindor scarf. I probably could have gotten away with wearing the goddamn sorting hat for all they cared. I am so pale in my photo I ended up looking like Russell Edgington, the vampire king of Mississippi, from True Blood. Although, I suspect old Rusty would have been a Hufflepuff (they are lazy and have everyone else do their work-but they are allowed to smile!) Julie had our insurance company fax my current insurance card (ironically I had the new card which doesn't go into effect until February). So I was all set!

On Tuesday I drove to the police station arriving about 5:30 pm. They were closed. The police station was closed. Apparently Popeye Doyle's got himself a cushy job. Their hours 8:30-4:30pm Which means as long as you keep your crime spree between 5-9am, you're golden! So, I called the police. Their receptionist instructed me to call back the next morning. I did. And I spoke to a gruff cop.

Gruff Police Employee: "Lower Merion Police Department."
Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "Hi, perhaps you can help me. I received a notice to present my driver's license and current insurance card to your station. Can I fax them?"
Gruff Police Employee: "No. You have to bring them in."
Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "You're hours are 8:30am-4:30pm correct?"
Gruff Police Employee: "Yes."
Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "Hmmm. That's tough for me as a Law Abiding Citizen with a job."
Gruff Police Employee: "Well, as a Gruff Police Employee, I don't give a shit."
Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "Fair point. Can I take the information to a notary public and mail it in?"
Gruff Police Employee: "What would a notary public do?"
Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "Publically note that I have this stuff?"
Gruff Police Employee: "No."
Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "You don't wish to expound on that answer?"
Gruff Police Employee: "No, asshole."

Yesterday, I left work at 3:30pm. I got to the police department about 4ish (I speed - take that fuckers!). A nice woman copied my DL, insurance and the citation. She stamped the citation and handed it back.

Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "That's it?"
Nice Woman With Access To A Copier: "That's it!"
Law Abiding Citizen Regan: "Where's Gruff Police Employee?"
Nice Woman With Access To A Copier: *"He died of AIDS."
*Events may have not occurred exactly as reported.

I am no longer a scofflaw. I still have a cough. Goddamn Plague.

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