Friday, February 11, 2011

Cover Your Cough

This poster hangs through out my office.  It was issued by the CDC, so odds are it hangs around yours as well.  I see it everyday because there is one posted above the copier/scanner.  Today was the first time I ever actually looked at it. 

It might make sense for this to hang in a children’s doctor’s office, or even a pre school.  But once a child learns to tie his shoes, he should have the process of disposing of boogers down.  Which is what makes it so odd that this poster hangs in the offices of many Fortune 500 companies through out the world.

The world?  Probably…

The CDC has produced this poster in English, Spanish, Portuguese, French, Vietnamese, Chinese, Hmong, Khmer, Tagalong, Arabic, Samoan (great girl scout cookies by the way), Burmese, Farsi, Kirundi & Somali.  This seems to indicate that either Germans know how to properly blow their noses with out CDC instruction, or they’ve completely done away with the need to sneeze all together.

I do find some of the images a bit disturbing.

Like this guy…

…what is he doing exactly? 

The poster would have us believe he is sneezing into his arm…but he’s not!  First off, his eyes are open.  It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.  They’d pop out of your head and roll around on the floor.

I think it’s more likely he is pretending he has a VERY large mustache.  Maybe he’s at a Tom Selleck convention.  Or he’s trying to disguise himself as Tom Selleck to break into the house that Magnum PI bought.  He might have a plan to accost Selleck, shave off his mustache and ransom it to the highest bidder.  I’m thinking it would go for about $250 on the open market.  Not too shabby when you consider Tom could just grow another one.

Or maybe he’s smelling his armpit.  Sure it’s not to scale, but neither is his face!  Where are the ears buddy?  And what’s with the bald noggin? 

But the most probable thing happening here is the young man has discovered the deliciousness of cannibalism.  The elbow pit is a delicacy in France !

This fellow seems to be covering his mouth to disguise his voice. 

Perhaps he’s about to make a lewd phone call to Tom Selleck?  Maybe he’s in cahoots with the first guy.  They do look similar.  Brothers or even cousins?  Male pattern baldness runs in the family!  The aforementioned phone call is meant to distract Selleck while cannibal boy sneaks by security using is shrewd makeshift costume.

It’s possible this guy figured out a way to huff glue in intimate social gatherings.

But, I like to think he really is just sniffing underwear before buying a gift for his beloved for Valentine’s Day!  My grandmother always said, “If you can squeeze the melons in a supermarket, why not smell the drawers in a department store!”  She also believed German’s never sneezed, so let’s not just assume she’s crazy like ALL other old people…

This move is called “the fake out.” 

Note that at no time are his hands coming in contact with the soap OR the water!  He puts his hands to the sides of the water, but not actually in it.  Kind of lazy.  If you’ve gone that far why not just stick your hands under?  Unless it’s because they are auto faucets, but the paper towel dispenser’s not!  Smart!  One can’t leave any finger prints behind for the lead detective on the Selleck case to find.  This guy is pretty ingenious.

So the next time you do have to sneeze, do it into your fake mustache, use a pair of dirty underwear to wipe away any remaining fluids and finish up by mimicing hygiene. 

Or you can do what I do…

Think of Quigley Down Under.