Once...(Because Who'd Want To Go Through THAT Again?)

When it was announced that Arthur Darvill (Rory Williams, AKA Rory Pond of Doctor Who fame) was taking over the lead role in the Broadway musical, Once, Julie and I immediately knew we had to see it.  She loved the film and I...bought it for her.  I actually liked the film too.  I don't remember loving it, but I am a fan of Rory...er, I mean Arthur.  OK, I'm a bigger fan of his Doctor Who wife, Amy Pond...but she wasn't performing in New York this weekend. 

Julie looked into tickets and instantly put the kibosh on the whole shebang.

"It's too expensive."  

We have seen a few shows on Broadway.  They are expensive, but always worth it.   

"We are about to have a child," she reminds me.  I don't need the reminder.   
"That's exactly why we SHOULD go!" I reply.   

We know these opportunities will be few and far between when our little Pond gets here.  So Julie happens to mention our situation to our dear friend and jet setter extraordinaire, Tara.  Tara sends Julie a link for a "buy one get one free" offer the next day.  BAM!  Tara is what I call "an enabler."  And I love her! 

So Julie & skipped out of work early on Friday and caught a train to New York City.  

Right in the middle of Fashion Week!  Holy Traffic!!!  Thank God we decided to take the train and not drive.  Who knows what time we'd end up getting home with all of this mess. 

(That's called "Foreshadowing" kids)

We had dinner at a very nice Vegan restaurant called, Blossum 

(W'oh!)

After dinner we walked about 30 minutes to The Bernard B Jacobs Theatre.  It was a hell of a hike for a pregnant lady...and for an out of shape Dad to be.  We knew that the walk back to the train would be about 15 minutes. 

The show was as amazing as we'd hoped it would be.  Our seats were in (about) the 9th row, I think the tickets said 11th, but there were only about 8 rows in front of us.  The cast was phenomenal, all playing their own instruments, while singing and dancing.  The use of the minimal set and the space was perfect for this show.  Darvill and Joanna Christie, who plays "The Girl" (opposite Darvill's "The Guy") were incredible together.  I highly recommend running out and seeing this show.      

Afterwards we met our Doctor Who star.  I took Julie's picture with him and got another fan to take one of all three of us together.  Artie, as I call my new buddy, couldn't have been nicer.  "You are amazingly tall!" I said to him.  He laughed and thanked me.  We told him how great his performance was as well as the overall show.  He spent time talking to everyone, taking photos with them and signing autographs. 

We looked at the time and realized the train left in 20 minutes, if we missed it we'd have to wait a WHOLE hour for the next one.  So we left Artie with the intention of catching up with him again soon.  It was our intention, not necessarily his.  We headed through the theater district and ran smack into the middle of RUBE CENTRAL, Time Square.  It was PACKED.  We decided to duck back down the next street (44th) to cross back to Madison Square Garden with less traffic.  As we were booking ass down 44th, we noticed Kinky Boots and Annie were both letting out.  I wasn't sure if there we any other Doctor Who cast members who might be lingering about in these shows (John Barrowman in Kinky Boots would be killer, right?), but we had no time to stop. 

We made it to the train station with a handful of seconds to spare.  We still had to buy tickets and we both needed to pee.  There was no way we were making that train, and that was fine.  We had our memories of Artie to talk about and carry us through to the next train in an hour.  Julie bought a lemonade from Nathan's and we just hung out talking about the show.  I also googled Annie and Kinky Boots to make sure I didn't need to high tail it back to catch up with anyone. 

The hour flew and we boarded our train which would eventually take us back to our car in Hamilton, NJ's train station parking lot.  The train was pretty packed for this time of night, because the Yankees game let out late, which meant a bunch of drunken, disappointed fans were on the train with us.  Oh yeah, the Yankees lost.  The commuters included two girls who's voices could not have been any more annoying.  The one girl would say "fuck this" and "fuck that" in a high pitch squeaky voice, while the other one just talked about how she was going to "throw up" starting the second she sat in her seat.  I pointed these girls out to our unborn daughter and immediately grounded her to make sure the lesson sunk in. 

After sitting on the track for what seemed like an hour (it was about 10 minutes), the train start chugging towards our destination. 

Something seemed wrong as the train lumbered along, and never seemed to get to full speed.  The train's interior light began acting weird and it took forever for us to get to the first stop, Secaucus.  Once we were in Secaucus an announcement came over the speakers that there is a power issue and they we going to "reset" something on the train.  None of us were engineers, but everyone knew this was some bullshit.  The air conditioning didn't work during this entire time either, so it grew hot, QUICKLY.  After much more bitching, drunk girls #1 & #2 got off the train.  The rest of us rejoiced silently, but remainder on the motionless train.  About every 10 minutes there would be an announcement that basically said, "We don't know what's wrong."  Because, that's what you want to hear from a high speed train you're currently inhabiting. 

Then the announcements came every 15 minutes.  "Still no idea what is happening, however there's a low voltage issue on all of the trains through the entire Northeastern Corridor."  HOLY SHIT!  IT'S THE TERRORISTS!!  

Here's a tip, your trains run like SHIT!

Seriously...it is the fucking Terrorists, because we as a country have funneled so much freaking money into chasing the bogeyman that we have let the infrastructure of the nation fall to shit.  Be careful on bridges ladies and gentlemen, because they are just going to start falling into the abysses they stretch across (my predication for 2014). 

They called in the cops in case we became unruly. 

This looks like a Michael Jackson video is about to happen.

Luckily, I have a penchant for whining on Facebook, this resulted in a couple of friends offering to help us with our current predicament.  One of those friends, Amy, was only about 6 or 7 or 8 or...well she was in Freehold.  Which is about an hour away.  Did we want her to come get us?  OF COURSE!  But, how do you ask a friend to do this?  I'm looking at the clock, which now is past 1am and I know I have to be on site filming somewhere at 8:30am.  Finally at about 2am, the train is still not moving and the announcements have slowed to once every 25 minutes or so.  Amy says, "Screw this, I'm on my way."  Actually, this is not how Amy talks, as she is a lady...though a lady from New Jersey, so she probably said "Fuck this, I'm on my way." 

At 2:45 am Julie and I have exited the train and are now sitting in the Secaucus Terminal.  Where we find: 

-a Sbarros that is closed.  Dammit, I wanted that black & white cookie...I could probably reach my hand in... 

-a Pepsi machine where everything is "SOLD OUT"

-a Coke machine that is fully loaded...but not working for some reason 

-a crappy piece of art 

-a statue of two dudes "bro'ing out" 

-and of course Edward Snowden.   

Jesus, that really is Edward Snowden!  Or a guy I thought looked like him so I made Julie take our picture together.  

She gets the "Boy Who Waited", 

I get the "Dude Who Summers In Russia." 

Finally Amy is here...well, not HERE exactly.  It seems there is road construction and the exit to get to us is closed.  BUT, Amy has heard on the radio that the trains are running again.  We run to our platform (Announcements have become nonexistent). 

"There's a train going to Hamilton behind this one" we are told.   
"Wait, what happened to our train?"  We wonder out loud. 
"It already left.  I think they made an announcement."   

FUCKERS.  They didn't.  I bet the drunk girls are already home.  I extend the grounding of my unborn daughter another week. 

FINALLY!  We are on the train.  And exhausted.  It's about 3:30am and an announcement comes:  "If you fall asleep and miss your stop, the next train leaves Trenton at 4:45am"  Eff you Jersey! 

Still, the night was worth it. 

I love Arthur "Artie" Darvill, Rory Williams, Rory Pond, Amy Pond, Amy Martin, Tara Bennett, Joanna Christie, Joey Lawrence, Bernard B Jacobs, John Barrowman, Edward Showden, The random guy who let me take his photo because I told him he looked like Edward Snowden at 2:45 in the morning, my unborn daughter and of course my lovely wife Julie.  If I had to be in this mess, I"m glad she was there with me.   

We got home and into bed around 5:30am.  I had to be in Wilmington, DE (30 minutes away) at 8:30am giving me the possibility of about 2 and half hours of sleep.  Julie woke me up at 8:37am.  SHIT!   

Well, at least we weren't in Trenton. 

DON'T Fart In The Batmobile!

Diminished Numbers

In 2009, I wrote a mere eight blog entries.  It was the year after the Phillies won the World Series, so it's possible I spent much of the year in drunken celebration.

In 2010 I had 30 entries.  Double digits!  Most of these were posts around Christmas.  Clearly, I didn't feel like working.

In 2011, 43 entries.  If my blog was a publicly traded company, these "upticks" would be a very good sign of potential growth.  There was an entry titled, "Rashes, Ticks & Chicks Who Perform Surgery."  I don't remember what it was about, but I'm sure it's sexy and barely safe for work.

2012 would see 51 entries!  WOW!  Even I am impressed.  Almost 1 a week.  I must have taken off while I was on vacation.

So I assume 2013 was quite the boondoggle, right?  Nope.  Seven.  Seven fucking blog entries!  Well, eight including this one.  I have reverted back to my 2009 numbers, and the Phillies haven't done a goddamn thing.

I keep telling myself, it's because I'm busy.  I wrote and produced a musical this year...and other stuff too.

There actually has been a lot of "other stuff," but I am finding that "Facebooking" takes up WAY more time than it should.  Clearly it's cutting into my blogging.  This can't happen!  I need to keep up the blog entries, as my laziness will eventually see me turn a bunch of old blog posts into a book, who would buy a book of a bunch of stupid Facebook posts?

"Chapter one, What The Fuck Is With All Of This Traffic?"
"Chapter nineteen, Look At What I Had For Fucking Dinner."
Finally, "Chapter Twenty Six,  FUCK (fill in political figure, party and/or agenda)!"

Apparently, I say "Fuck" a lot on Facebook.

So I admit, 2013 is a wash.  Like the current Phillies season, there's no coming back from this mess.  Instead I'll just attempt to keep sharp for my comeback in 2014.

Silly Russia and It's Gay Olympic Mascots

The 2014 Winter Olympics will be held in Sochi Russia with the Opening Ceremonies scheduled to kick off February 7, 2014.  Russia beat out Austria and South Korea to be the Winter Olympics 22nd host.  When they placed their bid with the international Olympic Committee in 2007, Russia proposed to spend $12 Billion dollars.  This proposed budget has since been abandoned for a new seven year plan to turn Sochi into a "mountain resort."  According to The Economist.com,"most of the money is coming from the public purse or from state-owned banks."  

This makes sense.  I mean, why not pass the cost on to a people who are struggling economically and a banking system that couldn't possibly fail, right?

Currently, the 2014 Olympics have already cost over 50 billions dollars, that's 1,645,500,000,000 rubles.  Overruns for the Olympics are not uncommon.  In fact, Allison Stewart, of the SAID Business School at Oxford, says that Olympics tend to have cost overruns of about 180% on average.  This particular overrun however is now at 500% and counting.  Most of which is blamed on corruption.  Russian statesman, and Vladimir Putin critic, Boris Nemtsov claims, "The Sochi Olympics are an unprecedented thieves’ caper in which representatives of Putin’s government are mixed up along with the oligarchs close to the government." 

Now I know what you're saying.  "Kevin, the Olympics are meant to build 'Good Will' between ALL nations.  Sure there may be SOME corruption, but can you put a price tag on the demonstration of human excellence?"  Yes.  Apparently a trillion and a half rubles.

In June, Russia passed a law that bans "propaganda of non-traditional sexual relations," simply put, it makes it illegal to support gay rights in public.  This is not shocking.  Anti-gay sentiment runs high in Russia.  Homosexuality was illegal during the Soviet Union and has only been decriminalized since 1993. Until 1999, a Russia law sent homosexuals to psychiatric wards. Russia's sports minister Vitaly Mutko stated athletes and spectators attending the Olympics will face fines, arrest and deportation if they violate the country's so-called gay "propaganda" law.  

However, it seems Russia is doing an "about face" with regards to these sentiments.  On Friday, Igor Ananskikh, deputy chairman of the State Duma's Physical Culture, Sport and Youth Policy Committee said, "The Olympic Games is a major international event. We need to be as polite and tolerant as possible. That is why a decision has been made not to raise this issue during the Olympics."  And even before that, Russia held an election for its 2014 Olympic Mascots...and they're pretty fucking gay!

The contenders:

1. Santa Claus.  

OK, not a gay icon per se, more of a Bi Icon (Bi-con *TM - I trademarked this fuckers)  He's into boys AND girls.  He seems obsessed with the "north pole," but that can be said about most men.  

2. A Bear.  

Really?  You know what a bear is, right?  This little dude is just missing a leather vest to complete the stereotype.

3. A Little Boy and Girl.  

That could be neutral, right?  His name is Fire Boy and he's described as having "sparks in his wide eyes and hair that looks just like flame."  So he's a "flamer."  Her name is "Snow Girl," no word on whether she "snow balls" or not.

4. Polar Bear.  

OK.  That's fine.  Nothing gay about that.  Scarf?  Pretty questionable accessory.  Possibly a big Doctor Who fan, which my older brother says is gay.

5. Snow Leopard.  

Nice physique.  He must go to the gym.  The scales are starting to tip in the "non straight" direction.  "He is a cheerful character who enjoys the company of others and loves to go dancing."  I swear to God this is the description they gave him!

6. Bull Finch.  

A bird.  When you talk to your kids about the birds and the bees with modern interpretation, homosexuality is bound to come up.  

7. Dolphin.  

Look at those gorgeous eyelashes.  Either he's gay or I am...I'm going with HIM!

8. Little Sun.  

This is the younger sister of the sun.  I'm not saying her design is meant to make her look like Ellen DeGeneres, but it helps my argument and I'll be damned if I'll be derailed at #8! 

9. Matryoshkas.  

You know, those wooden dolls that are placed one inside the other.  Ummmm...yeah.

10. A bunny.  

Yeah, I got nothing for this one.

So here are your 2014 Finalists:

...Looking mighty Gay to me Russia!

*CARROTS!  Bunnies eat carrots!  Pretty phallic...COUNT IT!

We Didn't Start The Fire (AKA I'm sure your rape and Lil Jon)

I have tried to use the "speech to text" feature on my phone. Especially while driving to cut down on "fingers on the phone" and "eyes off the road". But the problem is...well I mumble a lot. I find I spend more t ime proof reading then I do actually looking while writing a text. I rarely send or read texts while driving. But if the feature exists...
So yesterday, while driving, I decided to see how well my "speech to text" feature really is. Below is how my phone interpreted me saying the lyrics to Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire." Like most 30+ year olds, I know all the lyrics, although I admit, yesterday I learned that "Homeless Vets" are referred to, not "Homeless pets."
I left the refrain as is to help better understand where you are in the song.

If you don't know them, the lyrics are available here:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/we-didnt-start-the-fire-lyrics-billy-joel.html

Here is MY ANDROID's version of "We Didn't Start The Fire."

Harry Truman, Dr East, Cambridge China, Chinese race, South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joda Maggio.
Joe McCarthy, Richard Nixon, Studebaker, television, North Korea, South Korea, Marilyn Monroe.

Rosenberg, I'm sure your rape and Lil Jon, Brando, The King and I, and The Catcher in the Rye.
Eisenhower, back and got a new queen, Maggiano's, Liberace said Diana goodbye.

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it
Just dial in on cop siren for a copy of Rockefeller, Pappa Miller, communist bloc.
Roy Klein want to run the skinny DDTank on hand in blue balls, rock around the clock.

I'm Stein 17, Brooklyn's got a winning team, Davy Crockett, Peter Pan, Elvis Presley is the last,
bomb go to the past Alabama cruise chest is great, Peggy great trouble did you.
We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Little Rock, passing knock, Mickey Mantle, para lax but nick yellow light Bridge on the River Clyde,
Killed in on Lebanon, California baseball, start weather homicide, children of the atom I

Buddy Holly, fan her, space monkey, mafia, to look into trouble as a listen no go,
To do sit in rain hail with kennedy, Chubby Checker, site go, Belgian Congo.

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Hemingway, I mean, strangers in a strange land, deal in, Berlin, Dave days.
Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania, Ole Miss, John Glenn, Mr Patterson.
Hope all mathematics, British politician, JFK blown away what else do I have to say...

We didn't start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world's been turning
We didn't start the fire
No we didn't light it
But we tried to fight it

Birth control, hoochie man, Richard Nixon back again, shot Woodstock, Watergate, punk rock.
Taking Reagan, Palestine, tear on the airline, ayatollahs in Iran, brushes in Afghanistan,
Wheel of Fortune, Sally Ride, heavy metal, suicide, porns at home, instead 8 track, Bernie get hypothermia,
On the shore, China's under martial law, Rock n Roll, the Cold War...I can't take it anymore

***********************************

My top 5 favorite lines:

1. I'm sure your rape and Lil Jon (I either want to hear this Lil' Jon song or want to know the restr of the sentence).
2.  Liberace said Diana goodbye (looking like he beat Elton to it by a few years)
3. Roy Klein want to run the skinny DDTank on hand in blue balls?  (Clearly a rhetorical question, at least it is if you know Roy Klein).
4. Porns at home (Where else woudl they be?)
5. hoochie man.  (That guy fuck things up throughout the 60s and 70s!)

Preview to PHOTOS of Wrestlemania 29...

This is about 5 minutes after arriving in New Jersey/New York for Wrestlemania 29:

Andrew. 

Kevin, with a brilliant idea.

 Kevin in mid air.

Kevin landing on Andrew.

Perfect weekend.

***************************************************

Tomorrow night, I'll update with my top 29 photos of Wrestlemania 29 weekend.  

Return To Sender (Get it? It's an Elvis song about mailing shit)

Three things a kid never says they want to be when they grown up:

1. A Maintenance Man
2. An Elvis Impersonator
3. A conspiracy theorist who sends Ricin to The President of the United States of America

Paul Kevin Curtis hit the trifecta as ALL three!

In honor of this BOZO, here's Elvis Presley's REAL T.C.B. Oath:

More self-respect, more respect for fellow man.
Respect for fellow students and instructors.
Respect for all styles and techniques.
Body conditioning, mental conditioning, mediation for calming and stilling of the mind and body.
Sharpen your skills, increase mental awareness, for all those that might choose a new outlook and personal philosophy.
Freedom from constipation.

That last line says it all doesn't it?