Real or Fake

Lately, with a slight influx of new readers, people have been asking me "what is real and what is fake" on my blog...

...my advice, if you doubt the "reality", give it a squeeze.

Thanksgiving Day Parade (the continuing Saga)

http://lickrosco.livejournal.com/2005/11/26/
http://lickrosco.blogspot.com/2009/11/blog-post.html

You may want to read the two previous entries above for some back story...

Wednesday night Julie and I went out to Pizza By Elizabeth's in Wilmington, DE to wish our good friend Brian (who is moving to San Francisco) a "bon voyage." It's a cute pizza place where the theme is ALL things Elizabeth. Famous Elizabeths throughout time adorn the walls and even have pizzas named after them. It was a very enjoyable evening. Afterwards, everyone in our party seemed to be going to a local watering hole, Public House for more festivities. I assume that means drinking. I wasn't feeling right and decided sleep would be the best thing for me, so Julie and I decided to head home. A quick and quiet 20 minute drive saw us pulling down our "one way" street. It was then that we both saw the brake lights in front of our house.

"A little late for visitors," I spoke out loud. Julie asked me if I was expecting anyone.
I joked, "Well, tomorrow is the Macy's Day Parade."

Just then the door opened to a vintage, blue truck, with the California tags. I saw a boot step out of the drivers side and knew I wouldn't be sleeping this night. Scott stepped out, turned around and threw his arms up in the air. Kind of like he was hugging us while we were still in the car. For a split second I thought of ramming him. I pulled the car up and stopped. I rolled the window down as he walked to my side of the car.

"I thought you were sending a limo." I said as it dawned on me Scott had told me a couple of nights ago he'd be sending a limo to pick Julie and I up. I had completely forgot, or blocked it out of fear. Scott reached out something in his hand. It was only now I realized he had been holding a couple of cups of what appear to be Wawa coffee.

"I didn't think you'd come if I sent anyone else." He has his father's charm, but is definitely his own man. There's something about him that keeps me from being able to say "no" and making it stick. He pushes the cup towards me. "I don't drink coffee." I say smiling slightly, figuring I might have derailed his plans just a little bit. His smile grows wide and he pushes the cup a little more forcefully. "Hot Chocolate champ. It makes any situation easy to handle." I take it and drink it while softly saying, "You suck." Because he's right. He's always right.

"This is Izzy." Scott tells Julie and I as her we realize there is someone else present also holding a pair of coffees.
She hands one to Julie. "Scott says you're a vegan too. I used soy milk."

I am two parts shocked. The first part, that Scott knew Julie went Vegan in April, and the second that Izabella Miko from Coyote Ugly is standing in my driveway along with Scott Caan. But since it was the night before the Macy's Day Parade, I shouldn't have been surprised at all…and for those keeping score at home, Izabella is a Spanish Variant for the name Elizabeth.

We pile into Scott's vintage Ford Truck (which only seats 2 comfortably) and we head to NYC.

The drive seems to take no time at all. We get out and it's a little past 1 am. We are met by Scott's right hand man Leo. I still have never gotten Leo's last name. To be honest, I'm not sure his age or his ethnicity. But he reminds me of Q, the guy who makes weird gadgets for James Bond. That is, if Q looked exactly like Inspector Poirot from Agatha Christie. We were quickly ushered up to the ritzy penthouse at the SOHO Grand. Scott informs me his apartment was being sublet while he has been off filming Hawaii 5-O over the past 4 months.

Izzy takes Julie off to a corner of the room where I swear Kylie Minogue is standing.

"Kevin Regan," Scott's booming voice brings my focus back, "This is John Piper, vice president in charge of Macy's Parade." I shake hands with the executive.
"Mr. Regan. You're the one who caused all the trouble back in 2005." Piper smiled. But I think that was just because Scott was standing there. Otherwise, he'd probably be spitting venom. 5 years earlier, Scott lied and told everyone I was a balloon wrangler. That lie resulted in a rather "hairy" incident at the parade. It's been well documented if you'd like to look into it.
"Yes. I have stayed far away from all balloons since." I tell him somewhat embarrassed.
"This is Matt Hannifin. He'll be leading one of our prized floats this year." I notice the way Piper says "floats." It leads me to believe my use of the word "balloons" has not endeared me any more to this stuffed shirt.
Matt puts out his hand, "Buzz Lightyear."
"Uhhh….Kevin…Regan?" We shake.
"No," He laughs, "I mean, I'll be handling Buzz Lightyear."
"Oh! That makes more sense."

After some quick pleasantries and long introductions, we all hit the parade. Julie with Izzy and their new friend Kylie. I won't see any of them until long after Santa Claus has made his much awaited annual appearance on 34th St.

Once outside it starts to snow and I hope I'm dressed warm enough.

I am one of 56 people on Matt's "Buzz" crew. I am holding onto my reign as if my life depended on it, which based on Piper's earlier attitude, it did. I feel something slip into my back pocket. Scott whispers to me, "Hold on to that. I'll need you later." I turn as much as I can to see where Scott is going while the Pixar icon forces my motion forward. I lose Scott in the crowd. I have no idea what Scott slipped in my pocket, and I don't dare remove my hands from the reign to find out.

About two hours into the parade down 34th St, a fellow named Manny relieves me from the reign. I quickly pull out my camera and shoot the site I have been enjoying for much of the day.

As I attempt to bring my arms down, I realize they are almost floating away. I'm not in pain, but find it difficult to actually bring my arms to my side.

I see Matt give orders to the other wranglers and we make eye contact. He smiles and I know I did okay this year. He nods to me as my pants begin to vibrate. I pull my phone out to answer it and realize its not ringing. However my pants continue to vibrate. I stick my hand in my back pocket having completely forgotten that Scott stuck something in there a couple hours ago. It's a cell phone. I answer it.

"Yo Philly! Get to Taxi Cab float ASAP!" The voice commands.

It's not Scott and it's not Leo. I've met SO many new people today (as is always the case with Scott) but I can't place the voice. "Piper?" I ask. But the line is already dead.

I see the Taxi Float which has yet to start it's route. I make a bee line for it cutting through the crew wrangling the Smurf Float.

I take a quick shot since I still have my camera in hand. I am careful not to bump any of the wranglers as I seem to be throwing a perfect game with the floats so far.

"Kevin!" I turn camera in hand and snap off a shot of the person who just called my name. it's Jimmy Fallon.

Weird! I slowly walk towards him thinking he must be talking to someone else.
He shakes my hand and says, "We need you to keep an eye on him. He's a handful, but Scott says you can keep him in line."
I'm star struck but also curious as to what the hell the Late Night host is talking about.
"Who?" I turn as Jimmy points.

"Kanye."

Oh. Hell. No!

"Seriously, he was going on earlier about how Santa Claus hates black people," Jimmy says. I can't tell if he's kidding or not. But he doesn't laugh or even break a smile.
"How the fuck do I keep Kanye West in line?" I ask.

Fallon shrugs.

Just then I see a hot chocolate vendor. I smile and wonder if Scott had every detail planned from when I met him out front of my house all those hours ago. He really is part Jedi.

Kanye was well behaved the rest of the day...I think the marshmallows helped.

New Profile Photo

Please note my new profile photo. I name it either:

"Bored at the theatre" (note the pretentious spelling)

or

"Kerry will hate this!"

Busy Weekend, Crazy Holiday Approaching

So the weekend started off with Julie and I watching 2 of our neighbors being put into the back of the Medical Examiners truck. I'll assume this wasn't a drill that was being run and assume there's a house down the street going on the market real soon...that sounds a bit callus I know, but it's also inaccurate, the house is already for sale.

Last night I went to see my friends TS & Daryan in a play directed by another friend, Todd. The play was "Coyote on a Fence" and it was amazing. It presents both sides of the death penalty argument, and really makes you think deeply about the subject matter long after you've left the theater. From there Julie and I cruised to Tattooed Mom's on South St for some late night vegan food.

This morning I put the Christmas lights on the house as the weather was a bit warm. I figured, I'd put them up and leave them off as opposed to waiting until the freezing temps roll in and then loose a couple fingers decorating the house. I then watched Harry Potter movies the rest of the day. I jumped on the computer to find out a concert I wanted to go to next weekend is sold out. I was buying tix for me and 2 other people, so I had to wait until I had enough $ to do it. Unfortunately I have the $ and no tix. I also have been fighting with a website for post cards for "the Clink," my web series...it's been a pain in the ass.

So that was my weekend and my night...until...my phone rang.

Not my cell phone, but my house phone.

Not a big deal you'd say, but here's the thing, about 4 months ago (maybe more) we got a new land line. We got a package deal with our cable and internet service, but couldn't keep our old number. We saved enough that it was worth while to ditch the old number. There is no forwarding number so no one has the new number. I mean NO ONE! OK, not no one. Joel, Bosco & Jim all have it. If you check your caller ID you might too (if I've called you). Neither my, nor Julie's parents have it. Just an oversight we'll soon correct.

So when the phone rang tonight, I figured it is one of a few people or a wrong number. But the area code was a "323" area code. Got to be a wrong number:

Me: "Hello?"
Voice: "Are you naked?"
Me: "Oh fuck!"
Voice: "I'm usually naked when I fuck." (Laughter)
Me: "How did you get this number?"
Voice: "I have my ways. Why did you change it?"
Me: "To avoid you."
Voice: "Didn't work."
Me: "Apparently not. What do you want?"
Voice: "What are you and Julie doing next Thursday?"
Me: "No!"
Voice: "What?"
Me: "We're not doing it?"
Voice: "You don't even know what I'm going to ask."
Me: "The fuck I don't, Scott. We are not coming to New York again."
Scott Caan: "I'm sending a car. You won't even have to drive."
Me: "Don't send a car, because we aren't fucking coming."
Scott Caan: "That's fine. If you don't want to come you just tell the driver you're not coming. The driver who drove ALL The way from New York City the night before Thanksgiving. Tell him he wasted his time and he can turn around and head on home. I hope you'll be kind enough to let him use the bathroom before his long drive back."
Me: "You fucker!"

(nothing)

Me: "Hello?"

(nothing)

Me: "Goddammit!"
Scott Caan: "Did you think I hung up?"
Me: "I hate you!"
Scott Caan: "See you next Thursday!"

CLICK

To be continued...

Lossing Friends Everyday

Mom always told me I should tell AIDS jokes. Which is weird, because she was saying it in '79, WAY before the epidemic was public. Am I claiming my mom had a hand in creating the virus? Not in this post...but stay tuned...

I can't help myself. I make fun of horrid things. NOt sure why. I'd like to think my attempt is to take the piss out of such scary things as AIDS, Cancer or Fatty Arbuckle's coke bottle collection. But the truth is, I'm just a hateful soul. If there is a Heaven, I'm fairly certain I won't be going there. I don't think I'll end up in Hell either, but rather haunting the vagina or a lonely 60 year old woman living out her days on Long Island. So based on that I should care what people think of me or the things I say...but I do. Sorta...

I don't regularly count how many friends I have on facebook, but I do notice once in a while. More so I notice a decrease of numbers and sometimes I even notice a particular person who has abandoned the home of my rants which often feature some choice four letter words (such as boob).

It's weird because I recent came up with what I thought would be a great idea of losing EVERY single friend I have. Someone (I think Julie) said it would be like a modern day Brewster's Millions. I can't get rid of friends, but I have to force them al away...but the problem is I'd lose them forever. And as much as I pretend to not care, I really get excited by people I know only causally, reading my blogs or watching a short film I've made, or just "liking" a clever jab I might take at a retarded kid on the side of the road (even my acquaintances are shitty people).

I do say "fuck" & "cunt" a lot. So I do understand when people drop me...especially if they don;t have a lot of friends or at least a lot of friends who regularly update their accounts. You're likely to have an entire page of me sounding off on people masturbating in the stall next to me, or hoping Michael Vick accidentally sits on his nuts.

I'll continue to be the rude prick my mother raised, and hope some day she gets on facebook. Because no one's Mom would unfriend them...right?

Halloween? More like SWALLOWeen...am I right?

Year after year, I hear more and more people getting pissed off about the increasing SEXINESS of Halloween. These "people" are usually "fatties" who likely aren't fitting into the "sexy" costumes that have become all the rage with 14 year old girls...er, wait...

Personally, I am a huge fan of the trick/treat look Halloween has adopted. You like a good scare on Halloween? Well then nail one of these minimalist self esteemed ladies without a condom...seriously, you'll trade that "sexy nurse," for the real thing while your unit is dripping puss in hospice.

I decided (strictly for research) to type "sexy halloween costume" into our old friend google image. And these are the fine selection they gave me:

#1
First off, how is this sexy? Since I don't see an open wound, I'll assume this is supposed to be someone else's blood. Either way, not the definition of sexy to most. It is possible this girl just got her period out of her belly button, but I'll assume this is part of the costume. Not a very good one...unless she's a "cutter." Then this is the best costume I've ever seen.

#2
This one is weird, because there are 2 girls in it. I like "couples" costumes...but am failing to see the theme here. The one girl looks like poison ivy. Not the character from the Batman comic, but just the weed that grows in my side yard. Which would make sense as I am certain that anyone rolling around in this will wake up with a wicked itch and possibly a burning sensation when they urinate. The girl with her seems to be a girl scout. She knows the pratfalls of poison ivy, so will likely avoid prolonged contact. Also, I am interested in her cookies. And before anyone gets upset by that comment, I don't mean her actual cookies a girl scout sells out from of every supermarket across America come Spring time...I mean her vagina.

#3
This one is not sexy at all. The inside of a woman? Wait...that is came out wrong. I fail to see how the skeleton can be sexy...though I do like the measuring tape revealing a torso that would make Tracy Gold jealous. I notice the Xray like outfit reveals the "important parts" of this young lady. Clear made by a man, as there is no indication that females have brains.

#4
Pacman Fever! You get 200 points if you eat the cherry. I got news for you...this chick ain't had those points to give since this costume was relevant.

#5
This is sexy? Of course if you look closely, you can see Bin Laden's cave.

So that's the sexy Halloween. But still, there is the inappropriate Halloween. That could consist of a tit hanging out, though it's more likely to make that a "sexy" costume. I mean the, "let's cash in on a recent tragic event for a cheap laugh, and a photo on Facebook that will eventually cost me that House of Representative seat" type costume. Here are a selection of those bad boys:

#1
Let's get Hitler out of the way up front. There's always some asshole who thinks it's funny to dress their kid up like a guy who killed over 6 million people. I look at this kid and think, "well he's going to community college." Mostly because he comes from a gene pool that would do this in the first place. Though I do think the glass of water is a nice touch. Sure he's a tyrant, but he's thirsty.

#2
The suicide bomber costume has become a popular way to loose your children to Child Services as of late. This kid does look like he's having a great time though. I wonder if this is what a real suicide bomber does before blowing himself up...you know, besides shitting his pants. I will admit, I have wished I had a incendiary device strapped to myself on many Halloween when some asshole neigh felt a Zagnut bar was appropriate. "Do you have any idea how long my Mom sewed this outfit pal? Let's make with a couple 3 Musketeers, stat!

#3
This cunt will end up making more $ than any of you reading this. If that doesn't piss you off I don't know what does. But look on the bright side ladies, she has very small breasts.

#4
I'm a vegetarian, but this kid is fucking cute!

#5
The concept on this doesn't even offend me, but the laziness does. Seriously, 2 boxes and a model airplane? Where are the action figures jumping out of the windows. You failed boys!

#6
I like this one. I look at it and think, "Hey, if you can get away with it." That in fact was the Catholic Church's official policy at the time...

So finally, I found a couple of WTF or just weird costumes I had to include:

I know what you're thinking, "Use a glass!" But I say don't judge her! After all, she's in college and going down on some box is a right of passage!

This dude looks like he's tapped a box of wine or two in his day...his day being 5 minutes ago. Seriously dude, are they VHS Disney movies behind you?

This guy says it all. I felt weird and uncomfortable seeing this sign as I did in fact masturbate to pictures #2 & #5 on the "sexy" list above.

New Computer, Same Old Porn

Here I sit at my new iMAC. Still getting used to a lot of it, like the lack of a backspace key.

I thought to myself, "what is should the first thing I do with my MAC?" I know what you're thinking, PORN! Well me too. But I didn't. I figured that is too obvious. And besides there will be plenty of time for that later (ie when I hit post on this blog).

So I did some light facebooking (is that a word? Spell check doesn't seem to think so). Now I am blogging. My hope is to write more and edit video. But let's face it, in 2 weeks, it'll just be a faster way to look a porn. Of course now I run the risk of accidentally taking a photo of myself and sending it to everyone I know.

Which reminds me, please send me your email addresses.