There's No Such Thing As Halloween Music

Let me ask you a question, Halloween Music or Christmas Music?
*Keeping in mind, there has only ever actually been one Halloween song, "The Monster Mash."

What's that? You disagree? Well then, read on...

According to the leading authority on various genres of music, "Drew's Famous Party Music," the following tracks are on the original Halloween mix:

1. Monster Mash (we spoke of this already).
It was a graveyard smash. Not much else to say...though this bit over the course of 5 years on ComedyBang Bang is worth checking out:

2. Ghostbusters.
No. No. No. No. No!!!!!!
First of all, the original Ghostbusters was released in June of 1984, so it's not even a Halloween movie! If you want to watch it at Halloween, I'll support it. In fact it's a terrific movie, so you can watch it every single day of the year! BUT, that song is not a Halloween song. It's not even an original piece!

We all know that Ray Parker Jr. was sued for ripping off Huey Lewis and the News, and therefore Huey is a de facto co-writer on the tune.

3. The Time Warp.
Come on! Just because YOU didn't watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show two, sometimes three times a day when you were a junior in High School, doesn't automatically relegate it to your label of being a Halloween movie. Therefore its most famous song can't get dragged down that road either.

It's a great song, every day!

4. Macho Man.
The Village People! Look, other then being a band of walking Halloween costumes (some racially intensity by today's standards), there's not much else about them that reeks of All Hallow's Eve.

That said, "Macho Man Randy Savage" is ALWAYS as killer Halloween costume.
*Maybe not a literal killer Halloween costume. If you're looking for that might I suggest Jimmy Superfly Snuka.

5. Bad Moon Rising.
Don't be an April Fool. Written by John Fogerty and recorded by Creedence Clearwater Revival, this song came out on the 4th month of 1969, not the 11th. Just because there's a moon doesn't make it Halloweenie.

6. Purple People Eater.
Sounds like it's about "S'ing a D," but it's merely about aliens. If pushed hard enough, I'd say OK this can be a Halloween song. But can that really be considered a win?

7. Rock Lobster.
What the fuck! How the hell did this B-52s ditty end up labeled a Halloween song? Because it opens up with "We were at a party..."? Seriously, there are other parties than Halloween parties.

This song is an amazing song. Sorry Halloween, you don't get to randomly stake claims to it.

8. Hot Hot Hot.
Another party. Another NON-Halloween song.

9. Soul Man.
What in the fucking hell?!?
Did some one confuse Samhain with Sam & Dave?
The answer is NOT HALLOWEEN!

10. Let's Go Dancin'
Do you know what this is? No? Me either.
Kool & The Gang isn't writing Halloween songs.

11. Disco Inferno
Because of "inferno?" You could make the argument that this is more of a 4th of July song. Not Halloween.

12. Twilight Zone.
Wait! The theme song to a show? You can't just co-opt a song and label it a Halloween song.

Oh, it's NOT the theme song? It's a random dance song that has nothing to do with anything? OK...that too.

13. Don't Leave Me This Way
More disco...was Halloween invented in the 70s? I mean, I was invented in the 70s, so maybe it was too...I have no frame of reference before then.

This weird Thelma Houston song isn't a Halloween song... I mean,  not even the way the songs that came before this aren't, this is just a freebie that Drew is tossing at you. Like his sister's demo or something. Don't be fooled. NOT HALLOWEEN!

14. Super Freak.
Super NO!

15. Stayin' Alive.
The title has NOTHING to do with what you think it does if you're calling this a Halloween song.

16. Spooky.
Jesus.

Look. I'd consider having a debate about Halloween vs Christmas, but when it comes to the music part...there's no contest.

💘"I'm Wild and Looking To Hookup Tonight"💖💋💘💘

"I'm Wild and looking to Hookup Tonight"

While continuing to clear my "SPAM" folder (now with quotes as to put emphasis on the fact that a "SPAM" folder is not completely filled with SPAM), I came across not one, not two, but THREE emails from Jessica.

How I picture Jessica typing to me.
(As well as all of you who comment)

In Jessica's first email she simply states the following (and previously mention) in her email subject line:

"I'm Wild and looking to Hookup Tonight"
(NOTE: pink coloring added by Editor)

OK... a few things:

1. Is "hookup" one word? 
2. It's odd that the words "Wild," "Hookup," and "Tonight" all begin with capital letters, however "looking" can go right ahead and fuck itself!
3. Based on the random capitalization, perhaps the lack of putting emphasis on the work "looking" implies Jessica is in fact blind and asking for help "hookingup" (still one word?) something. Oh, maybe they got the new X-finity voice command remote control. Personally, I love it.
4. WAIT! Where else do we see "rando-caps?" Yep, ransom notes! Maybe Jessica is being held captive against her will! (NOTE: abbreviating "random" to "Rando" saves absolutely NO time and just ends up looking like a typo. Signed your friendly Edito) <--- Actual Typo

The body of the email goes on to say:

"To UNSUBSCRIBE please Click Here"

OR 

Reply to this mail

(NOTE: font and color exactly as presented in email. Hey, it's me the Editor again)

I gotta say, pretty limiting on the options here. 

• I can't actual confirm I'm interested in said "hookup."
• I can't confirm an arrival time to make sure it's not an inconvenient time for "hookingup."
• In fact, I can't even find out where this "hookup" is to take place.
  
  All I can do is unsubscribe by clicking the link or mailing a personlized letter (to an address I have not been provided).

Oh well. Sorry Jessica. Best of luck with your X-finity voice command remote.

******************************

But wait...there's another email from Jessica:

"Do not message me - Move On I WILL REPORT YOU..!!"

Wait, WHAT?!?

This hardly seems fair! Is it because I was a bit slow in my response regarding the "hookup?" I'm sorry. It was in my SPAM...er, my "SPAM" folder!

Also, these two emails were a mere 2 days apart. I mean, if you're asking me for a favor, you have to allow me a bit of control on the time table, right?

The email continues:

"Please stop emailing me your photos. I am engaged now.

We broke up a long time ago. MOVE ON!
You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche
F***k You..!!"

What photos? And you're engaged since two days ago when you wanted to "hookup?" WTF, Jessica?

"We broke up a long time ago."

So long, I don't even remember you. That's what happens to the mind as we get older I suppose.

"You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche
F***k You..!!"

Hold on a second, haven't I heard this some where before? Wait, is this Riley?!? Or Erina? Let me check that email address...

FvVOlegQ@vbwhfdyj.yd via onlinedrugclass.com

Huh, I don't remember taking an online drug class...Well, my apologies on the missed opportunity for "hookingup." Hope everything works out well with the remote. Also, congrats on the engagement.

******************************
But finally, one last email from Jessica:

"Hey You! I am so lucky to find you."

So we're cool? I'll admit, I was worried there for a minute, but I guess we can remain friends.

How are you doing today?

I'm good. A little tired to be honest.

My name is Jessica. I am 22 years old . 

Oh. Okay. I knew you're name was Jessica because you wrote it in all your emails. I'll be honest, I didn't know that you were 22. I'm not being ageist or anything, but shouldn't a 22 year old be pretty equipped to set up her own remote control? Oh wait, are you blind? Was I right the first time?

I got your email from one of the mutual friends in facebook. 

Oh, I'm not sure I like people just giving out my email in such a rando fashion...random, I mean random.

I think you're cute and very brutal,

Well, that's nice...I think. What do you mean "brutal?" Are you referring to some of my posts "in facebook?" I know, I can get carried away. I just am not a fan of Donald Trump and feel like his policies do more to drive this country apart than pull it together. I guess I could clean up my language a bit...but hey, I'm glad you like it.

I like that kind of guys.

Oh...cool. I'm into grammar, but hey, whatever I guess.

I just looking to know you more, maybe start with whatsApp ?
Please don't let me without answer.

Oh. My. God. Elon Musk is right! You're a robot! A robot is trying to fuck me!!! Johnny-Five alive!!!!

Wait, why the fuck doesn't a robot know how to hook up their X-finity?

"I WILL REPORT YOU. YOU PIECE OF S***..."

"I WILL REPORT YOU. YOU PIECE OF SHIT..."

Got your attention, right? Me too! That's was the title of an email in my SPAM folder. I like to clear my SPAM folder every so often (as well as spell "SPAM" in all CAPS). Admittedly, I rarely look at the emails...but sometimes I wonder, hat if they're important, as this one clearly is!

I had to dig deeper into the email sent from:
Riley Johnson 💘 erina@xioylkk.cnyuioncop.it

"Stop stalking me and my friend or I will report you."

Wow! I'm stalking someone? I mean, sure I check Paul F. Tompkin's Twitter account just about every day (sometimes multiple times), but I wouldn't call that stalking.

As for this lady and her friend, I've never heard of them before...

"You piece of shit, cock-sucker douche. I do not know why you are doing this!"

A piece of shit, a cock-sucker, AND a douche? That's the trifecta! I must have wronged these ladies in the most grievous fashion...

"You slept together once, only once. It does not mean anything."

Hello! Now we're getting to the good stuff. But wait...I know I have never slept with anyone named Riley or Erina...by the way, is Riley using Erina's email? Does Erina know? I don't want to pry, but that seems a bit inappropriate.

Also, why would you say only sleeping together once doesn't mean anything?

Look, the Phillies have only won 1 World Series since the 80s, I assure you it's QUITE meaningful to me! 2008 Forever!

"Have not you heard of hook up?"
Wait, what the hell just happened? Did William Shakespeare just start using Erina's email address? Like can anyone use it?

"So, f*** off and leave us alone
F*** You."

OK, fine. Jeez! I get it...I'll just delete this email.

I would, however, like to thank you for using f*** as opposed to spelling out the word F-U-C-K.

Shit, cock-sucker, and douche I can handle, but an F-word would have been untoward.

(*I'll continue to post as I clear my SPAM folder)