Friday, February 12, 2016

Want $232,000? Become an Actor (Preferably a Good One)

How long will it take you to make $232,000?

According to MyBudget360.com, taking information gathered from the Census, Social Security Dept, and the Internal Revenue Service, the median wage in the US per person is $26,695.

That is approximately $513.37 per week (I rounded up because you deserve a raise).

That means it would take 452 weeks for you to make $232,000 or just under nine years.

This is all important to keep in mind while you watch the Oscar telecast on Sunday February 28th.  According to The Hollywood Reporter, every nominee this year is receiving a “gift basket,” which is worth, you guessed it, $232,000.

Now sure, you could become enraged at the idea of these, “all-ready-well-paid-individuals” receiving such an elaborate gift for nothing more than “acting while white," but you’d be wrong...the Directors get them as well.

Maybe we should examine the contents of the basket before judging the recipients so harshly.

*It should be noted that these baskets are NOT actually from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, but instead from a Los Angeles based niche marketing company called Distinctive Assets. Of course they’d want their client’s wares in the hands of the Hollywood elite.

So what are these wares you ask?

I feel like a comma is needed in the phrase “Vampire Breast Lifts”…perhaps 2 or 3.

Of the 25 nominees, 15 of them likely don’t need these, though Eddie Redmayne could have used them “pre nomination.”

(Value: $1,900 which breaks down to $950 a boob)

Because receiving this gift basket didn’t make you a big enough of a douche bag.

(Value $249.99)

My M&M’s Personalized Chocolate Candies
After all, those little heart candies taste like a piece of caulk’s asshole.

(Value $300)

A Year Supply of Fully-Loaded Audi A4 Rentals From Silvercar
If DiCaprio loses (again), maybe he can test the waters of Uber driving.

(Value: $45,000)

Walking Tour of Japan For Up To 15 days

 (Value $54,000)

10 Day All Expenses Paid Trip To Israel
This includes (but likely is not limited to) 
  • first class airfare
  • five-star hotel accommodations
  • private security escort. 
That last perk is sweet, usually security is BYO. 

(Value $55,000)

3-Day Stay At Golden Door Resort & Spa in San Marcos, CA
3 days only? I guess you have to find somewhere else to go at night...maybe Italy.

(Value $4,800)

3-Night Stay At The Grand Hotel Excesior Vittoria in Sorrento, Italy 
Occupant must provide their own security...presumably. But at least you get to stay here at night.

(Value $5,000)

3-Night Stay At The Grand Hotel Tremezzo in Lake Como
Oh, a pool!

(Value $5,000)

Jesus, that's a lot of places. Let’s just put a picture of the earth from the International Space Station.

 (Value of this view = Priceless)

*The Space Station isn’t a vacation destination this year, but hey…maybe next year (the DiCaprio mantra)

Lifetime Supply of Lizora All-In-One Pu-erh Tea Inspired Skin Nourishment

Not sure how they determined the value of this one. I mean, Saoirse Ronan is a mere 21 years old while Sly Stallone is like 142. While I agree his skin is in desperate need of this nourishment, he could only possibly live another 20 or 30 years. Ronan is likely to go another 150 based on my math.

(Value $31,200)

Caolion Pore Care Sets and Dr. Jane 360’s Proprietary Healing Saint Hair Follicle Stimulant and Halo (*That's a lot of words!)

I don’t have a fucking clue what this is, but when I Googled it a picture of David Bowie came up, so we’ll assume they’re his ashes.

(Value $134)

Purely For Pets’ Charity Opportunity To Provide 10,000 Meal Donations (made in a nominees name to an animal shelter or rescue of their choice).

You pick the charity, but you don’t get to pick the meal. Personally, I’m pulling for spaghetti.

(Value $6,300)

Personal Training Sessions With Celebrity Trainer Alexis Seletzky

Presumably one of the two people pictured below. Not sure what he/she trains you to do. I hope magic!

(Value $900)

Belldini Women’s Apparel

Because no one knows fashion like Roberto Benigni.
Oh it's Belldini? Whatever.

(Value $300+ you had me at “+” - Life really Is Beautiful)

Chocolatines’ Drunken Fig Cake Bites.

This is the “I forgot to buy you something for Christmas and the only things that was opened was the gas station by the Hooters” gift.

(Value $35)

Dandi Patch Underarm Sweat Patch

1.       Buy deodorant
2.       This looks a bit too much like the Rosetta Stone packaging
3.       If by using this you learn to speak another language from the info seeping into your skin, you should charge more than $21 for it!

(Value $21)

Delovery Personalized Luxury Gift Baskets

THERE’s A GIFT BASKET IN YOUR GIFT BASKET? Are these like Russian Nesting Dolls?


(Value $2,000)

Farm Wife Style Druzy Earrings

Subtle. Not to flashy. You don’t want to take away from the focus of your Vampire Boobs.

(Value $25)

The Ultimate Fitness Package From Fit Club TV: Live in Fitness VIP Retreat + Fit Culture Fuel Performance

WHOA! The “ultimate” fitness package? Then what the fuck do I need Alexis Seletzky for? He better be teaching me magic!
The first rule about Fit Club, do NOT talk about Fit Club (or how expensive it is!)

(Value $6,250)

Supplements + Fit Culture Threads Designer Workout Apparel

So you’re saying drugs and crazy clothes? Is this a trip to the 80s?

(Value = It’s the 80s. It’s only valuable to those who didn’t live through it)

Gleener On The Go Smart Fabric Care Solutions

Oh sweet. A gift for “the Help.”

(Value $11.99) 

Greenhill Winery & Vineyards Blanc de Blancs

Wine connoisseurs agree, it’s the perfect wine with personalized M&M’s.

(Value $39)


I found this on the Hollywood Reporter list, but NOT on the Town & Country list, leading me to believe it’s actually someone named Harriet’s cheesecake. You stole Batman’s Aunt Harriet’s cheesecake!

(Value = it was VERY valuable to Harriet you prick) 


As if the Hollywood elite need diet supplements. They all have eating disorders!

(Value $19.88)

Full Kitchen Sweep and Workout Program with Fitness Expert Jay Cardiello

WAIT! Jay Cardiello is going to come to my house and make my junk food disappear? Fuck Alexis Seletzky, Jay Cardiello is REAL magic!

(Value $1,400)
AND HE CAN FUCKING FLY!

Joseph’s Toiletries "The Welcomer" Gift Box

Various outlets report this is toilet paper. Which means this should be “The Fareweller” Gift Box.

(Value $270) 

Lat & Lo Customized Sterling Silver Necklaces

They even customize the latitude and longitude for you. Might I suggest 13.9500 S, 33.7000 E. No it’s not your Lexus Dealer’s vacation home to silly goose, it’s the country of Malawi. Considered to be the poorest country in the world with a GDP per capita of $226.50, which is slightly less than the toilet paper in this basket.

(Value $150)

Memobottle Slim Reusable Water Bottles

Thin bottles for your diet water. AND they’re reusable, which is pointless seeing as you wouldn’t wipe your ass with anything under $270.

(Value $47)


They come in black and white, unlike this years nominees.


(Value $75.00)

Mission1 Clean Protein Bars

This one actually fell in the basket accidentally. It was what the Chinese slave laborer was eating while filling the gift basket. Yours now!

(Value $5.64)

Nuelle Fiera Arouser For Her

Looks like a new high-tech mouse. I guess a guy could use it, but it’s marketed to women, so ladies, go ahead and click your mouse.

(Value $250)

Phantom Glass iPhone Screen Protector

“But I have an Android!” Exclaimed perennial Oscar loser Leonardo DiCaprio.

(Value $49.95-$59.95)


Did anyone else assume “organic protein” was semen? And “purely inspired” means with straight from the memory banks, no P.A. (“porn assistance”). Christ, even the ad looks like the guy just jerked off.

(Value $19.97)


This is the gift your whole office went in on this Christmas for your boss. The one you gave $20 towards and thought, “What’s Rouge Maple Gourmet Fine Foods?”

(Value $99)

Sedona Lace Synthetic Vortex Brush Set

These brushes are some of the finest brushes money can’t buy (because they are being given to you). Also, trade secret, each brush head is a different hair style as worn by Lady Gaga over the years at The Grammy’s.

(Value $109.95)

Ultra Premium Signature Vodka

Booze. I recommend it during the Costume Designer’s acceptance speech.

(Value $70)

Slimware Portion-Control Plates

Look, we’re all getting concerned Bryan Cranston. It’s called portion control. Seconds and Thirds aren’t necessary. Totally kidding. Heisenberg can have the whole goddamn buffet!

(Value $29.95)

Steamist Total Sense Home Spa Collection

No idea. I assume it’s a shower.

(Value $5,060)

SunDial Powder Coating

This is potentially the strange of all items in the lot. I guess you can have things painted? They should have added a $20 off coupon for you next gutter cleaning (print out this blog and use it the one attached)


(Value $500 or $20 depending on which one we’re referring to)

Tools by Gina Pure Infrared Professional Hair Styling Tools (Blow Dryers & Flatirons)

For all your Barbershop needs, By Gina…I mean BYE GINA!

(Value $250)

A Concierge Tribute

This one is disputed by various sources. Some have called it a “Tribute Video,” which might be all of the Hunger Games DVDs signed by Jennifer Lawrence (at least 1 nominee doesn’t need them)

(Value $125)

Zekkle Edge Metal Front Pocket Wallet

A wallet, just in case we over stuffed your previous one.

(Value $125)

740 Park MD Ultherapy

So…plastic surgery. Old school.

(Value $5,530)


So just remember, it doesn’t matter who takes home the trophy, everybody is a winner! Except for black people, who were not nominated.


I thank THR for the list of the items in the basket, Town & Country for the value amounts, and Google images for all the photos of this expensive crap.

2 comments:

Matt Lichtenwalner said...

Ummm. I did a 30 day walking tour of Japan, and I'm here to tell you that it cost me... well, a good deal less than $50k.

Also, I've used those Hydroxycut Gummies.

What am I trying to say? Clearly I'm EXACTLY THE SAME as all those actors and actresses.

The same, I tell you.

Kevin Regan said...

Did you GroupOn your 50 Day walk?

I think their's includes airfare, hotel accommodations, and possible Geisha girl for "nighttime needs."