Recently I have been suffering from a crisis of
conscience. In my desire to create, I have become less and less interested in “deconstructing”
other people’s work. Meaning, I no longer feel like “talking shit” on McG (among
others). I just no longer enjoy criticizing.
So much so, that I have put a temporary distance between myself and the hate
platform known as Social Media.
Facebook, the racism “metal detector.” (ß Okay, apparently I don’t
mind criticizing Mark Zuckerberg’s work).
I used to LOVE to watch events such as award shows and
Tweet pretty much everything that comes to my mind (grammar be damned and spelling
errors aplenty). It was like being in a writer’s room with the potential of
1000s of other writers. The thing is, that writer’s room is getting more and
more crowded all the time. It seems everyone has decided to add Live Tweeting
to their resume in the past couple of years.
After Tweeting the Grammy’s I felt rather empty (fill in “terrible
state of music joke” and then make sure to tell the neighborhood kids to get
off your lawn). I also realized I wasted almost 4 hours of my life watching
something I knew I had predisposed myself to hating, which of course fueled my vitriolic
Tweets.
Since the Grammy’s left me feeling so low, I decided to
watch the Saturday Night Live 40th Anniversary broadcast while barely
glancing at my phone. I found I enjoyed it because I wasn't hunting and pecking all of the flaws I
saw during a 3 and a half hour live event (how could there NOT be a few?)
Then, a couple of days before the Oscars I started to
think, “Should I even watch them this year?”
I wasn't nominated for anything (again). So what was the
draw for me?
“Don’t you
love movies?”
Of course I do. I loved movies SOOOO much, that I wasted
tens of thousands of my parent dollars going to film school (I finally work in
the field – THANKS Mom & Dad). But what do the Oscars have to do with
movies? Wouldn't it make MORE sense to actually go SEE a movie during the
Oscars?
So I watched the opening number to the Oscars. I thought
it was very nice. Then I decided to turn off the TV and go see a movie.
What to see?
I had seen a lot of the nominated films already
throughout the year. I wasn't looking for anything super deep, just something
to sit and be entertained. Perhaps a comedy? I looked to see what was playing
nearby.
Hot Tub Time Machine 2. Of course! Why not? I LOVED the
first Hot Tub Time Machine. And I equally love Adam Scott. This is a home run,
right?
editor’s note:
it wasn't. More like a broken bat single
into right field during Spring Training without any runners on base…but hey, it’s
in the ball park
Another editor’s note: I realize the
previous editor’s note is in complete conflict to the argument above, however it
was written AFTER the rest of the piece…SPOILERS!
But alas, this story isn't about HTTM2. It’s about the
experience of trying to GET there.
Over the past month, the East Coast is been bombarded at
night with subfreezing temperatures. So much so, that the city of Boston has
all but put out a hit on a weather predicting rodent who resides in
Pennsylvania, and South Carolina has incarcerated one of Disney’s newest and “coolest”characters.
The temperatures during the day, rise high enough to melt
the endless barrage of snow that has been piling up, and then freeze all over
the roads at night. So my usual 10 minute drive to the movie theater took about
20 minutes, and included as much sliding as pleading with Isaac Newton to keep
my car from staying in motion through red lights.
I finally got to the theater and parked.
I had NO idea what kind of crowds the theaters would draw
during the Oscars. Would it be like the movies at Christmas in 2014? Everybodypiles into the car to swamp the theaters. Or would it be like the movies at
Christmas in 1994? A secret kept by the few who knew how easy it was to get in
and out with plenty of arm room.
I walked in to the AMC Theater and a heavier Man in a
cardigan, who doesn't look like he passes up a lot of cookies, and a young Woman
on a headset were behind the counter. The Woman was having a conversation with
someone on the headset. The Man was looking at her as I approached them.
The Man, never taking his eyes off of the Woman said, “Can
I help you?”
I waited a beat, wondering, “Is he talking to her or me?”
The beat went on too long so I asked, “Excuse me?”
He finally turns his gaze towards me and repeated, this time in a less than sincere tone, “Can I help you?”
He finally turns his gaze towards me and repeated, this time in a less than sincere tone, “Can I help you?”
“Oh. Yes, I’d like 1 ticket to Hot Tub Time Machine 2,
please.”
“Sold out.”
“Really?”
“Yes. In fact everything is sold out.”
“Oh, Wow!” I guess the Oscars has become the new
Christmas.
I was very surprised. I thanked them and walked out the
door.
Towards the parking lot.
Where my car was parked.
In the amazingly…
unfilled…
parking lot.
Carpooling perhaps?
Something seemed “off.” So I pulled out my phone. I went
to Fandango. I typed in the movie and theater. This particular theater (AMC
Painters 9 Unit 0598 as listed on my eventual ticket), is one of those new fandangled
“Dine-in” theaters. Which means you can pick your actual seat when
you purchase your ticket online. So I opened the seating chart and realized the
parking lot wasn't the only thing that was empty.
When this Man said “sold out,” was he commenting on ME
for NOT watching the Oscars?
I bought my ticket from Fandango and got this message:
So far, the automated computer response had been kinder
to me than 2 actual people.
I turned around and went back in the theater. I was in
full view of Man and Woman the entire time I stood outside. When I turned
around, they must have realized what I had done.
“Oh, we just had a returned ticket.” Said Woman.
“That’s convenient, ‘cause I just bought one.” Said Me.
“They shouldn’t be selling any more tickets! They need to
update the system.” Said Man. To Woman. While looking at Me.
Okay…it’s now occurred to me, he might have been a faulty
robot who enjoys cardigans and cookies.
They ripped my ticket and I was on my way.
 |
| Those are some sexy nails, am I right ladies? |
I walked into the theater half expecting it to be packed
with patrons having to sit on the floor because of a computer error that
continued to sell tickets to a sold out show. Instead, 1 minute before the
previews were to begin, I asked the ONLY other person in the theater if he too
was told the show was “Sold Out.” He said, “No, but the 7pm was.” Having this
info means this guy either came to the 7 and was turned away, or attempted to
buy tickets online for the 7pm and had to do the 9pm instead. From this I
deducted he also bypassed the purchasing from Man-o-bot and WomanLady.
I took a picture of the empty theater.
 |
| Having taken a photo in the theater, I'm sure I'm on an F.B.I. watch list for pirating movies now. |
It should be noted that during the previews another
couple came in and sat a few rows behind me. I’ll wager a guess that they too bought
their tickets from Fandango before coming.
This would be an excellent time to tell you that according
to Box Office Mojo, Hot Tub Time Machine 2 made $5,963,324 in its opening
weekend. That is NOT a good number. And yet, it could have been higher, had the
100+ seat theater I was sitting in, not been “sold out.”
I don’t tend to complain. I worked in retail for 15
years, and I get that things happen. But the Man’s unprompted rudeness and the Woman’s
lie pissed me off. A LOT! MY CRITICIZING
BONE HAS BEEN HEALED!!!
Did the woman think I was so dumb that I wouldn't realize
there was only one other person in the theater?
I complained. To the writer’s room.
AKA - I used Twitter to contact AMC Theaters:
And now we wait…
Well that didn't take long. Hmmm…I can’t help but notice
there seems to be no apology of any kind in this response. Perhaps they’ll send
it with some free movie tickets or a fruit basket…
See I'm reasonable...
Okay. Not THAT reasonable, I guess...
“Bad info.” So they are simply saying, “Sorry you were
lied too, asshole. However, that’s our company policy. It’s just most people
don’t actually complain. And why the fuck aren’t you at home watching the
Oscars? – Brien”
Also, no fruit basket.
Will-fucking-do? Pretty casual Brien.
So, no apology.
No offer of free tickets implying, “We’ll do better next
time.”
No fruit basket.
Not even a couple cookie crumbs off RobotDick’s over stretched
cardigan.
Sunday night, I realized a few things:
1. I should have stayed in and watched the Oscars
2. I won't be going back to that movie theater
3. I’m a critical mother fucker! (for example, see review of Hot Tub Time Machine 2 above)
2 comments:
On Christmas day when I bought tickets there, the front 4 rows were not available online. So I bought 4 in row 5. The first 4 rows stayed empty. Guess they just don't want to work too hard at that theater. You done good, the management of that theater needs a wake up call!
I assumed, once they upgraded to this "Dine-In," that it would get better. Apparently not.
The only time I didn't have a problem, was when I got there late and Adam Wahlberg already bought my ticket.
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