Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Treats from Dunkin Donuts

The Treats from Dunkin Donuts

So I am in line at Dunkin Donuts…you know, getting “health food.”  There is this woman’s voice to my right.  I am forced to turn and look at The Source because it sounded half cartoon/half “Real Housewives of Some Random Bumkinfuck town.”  She is, of course, deck out in a velour jogging outfit which she must have just bought recently since neither it, nor her “shape” looked well exercised in.

I order an everything bagel.  And why not?  When given a choice between everything and nothing, who wouldn’t take everything?  I then wait…patiently.  As I wait The Source is given what I assume is an ice coffee. 

“No.  Too much milk.  That looks like a glass of milk.”  She demands through her enormously oversized sunglasses.
It didn’t look like milk by the way.  Unless this “milk” is from the lake in Willy Wonka’s world where the Oompa Loompa’s defecate (it’s not, I asked).

The woman working behind the counter, kindly removes the drink and leaves to fix the situation.  Just then another employee says “Everything Bagel.”  The Source’s friend, we’ll call her Mary, takes the bag.  I realize, since I ordered first, that is probably my bagel.  But no big deal.  I’ll get hers.  See, patience. 

“It’s too big,” blurts out Mary (I assume she was referring to the bagel and not The Source’s velour covered bottom).

“Make the cut it in half.”  The Source recommends rather forcefully.

Really?  “Make them.”  Why not, “Kindly ask if one of these fine people would mind cutting the bagel, you stole from the guy next to us, in half so your big fucking mouth but rarely cared for teeth can better handle the girth.”  OK, she didn’t have to say “girth.”

Mary thrusts the bag back towards another person behind the counter without saying a word.  There are always SO many people working at a Dunkin Donuts at a given moment.  Why is that?  Luckily this person either overheard everything happening, or SOP at DD is to cut something in half when handed back to you in a rude manner.

As the DD employee starts to perform surgery on the bagel, I am handed my “uncut” bagel, which reminds me Yom Kipper begins Friday at sundown folks!

I thank the employee and turn to leave when the first woman comes back with the correctly made ice coffee.

“Did you just dump it out and use the same cup?  No!  I want a new cup.”  The Source turns to toothless Mary and says, “Huh, some people, right?”

“Yep they can be real cunts!”  I say to them as I leave.


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