“Will my nano’s name be on a quilt?”

“Will my nano’s name be on a quilt?”

Yesterday, my iPod nano lost its battle against AIDS. Well, kind of…
In October 2005, AIDS Warrior & U2 front man, Bono announced a special edition red iPod during The Oprah Winfrey Show. This was part of the “Product RED” initiative aimed at battling AIDS. The special nano was priced at $199, with $10 of each sale going to the Global Fund to support AIDS programs in Africa.

Wow! 5%? Pretty charitable!

By the way, in case you missed it, Steve Jobs salary in 2010 was $1! He’s been paid $1 annually since returning to Apple in 1997. That’s a mere thirteen dollars! So let’s not bitch about the price of gas when Mr. Jobs is trying to make due with a little less than 3 sawbucks in a little over a decade.

“How does an iPod battle AIDS?” you ask? Dude, the technology is so fucking advanced man! But I have little doubt that putting my iPod in shuffle mode and stumbling upon DVDA’s “What Would Brian Boitano Do,” had more than a little to do with Magic Johnson’s remarkable cure.

Any way…back to my dead iPod.

Yesterday I decided to do some house cleaning. It has been a while. I put on my iPod (“Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson”) as is part of my ritual and I went to town. Everything went well and I made pretty decent time. Afterwards I figured I’d keep my clean streak going and do a quick load of laundry. As I put all of the clothes in the washer I noted mentally that we were out of laundry detergent. Seeing as I have been mentally “out of it” lately, I forgot to tell Julie, so hopefully she’s reading this.

With the laundry started, we attempted to watch Mad Men Season 1 on BluRay which Julie had never seen. The first disc was broken, so I have to return that today before the snowstorm comes through. I mean, if we’re going to be snowed in it’ll be with Donny D & the buxom redhead that haunts the halls (& men’s pants) of Sterling/Cooper.

Instead we settled on Coffee & Cigarettes, a Jim Jarmusch DVD I bought Julie about 3 Christmas’ ago. Roughly around the time I got the AIDS curing RED iPod nano. While watching the DVD we heard a loud sound coming from the laundry room. I was tired and decided without looking, that it was the washing machine. I thought it was possible it was an intruder, but if I looked I’d exert a lot of energy. It made more sense to conserve the energy in case I needed to go into attack mode. Perhaps I could use my iPod to give the intruder AIDS? Surely if it can cure it, it is capable of giving it too.

After Coffee & Cigarettes, which we never officially got through because Julie fell asleep, I went to put the wash in the dryer. I was nervous opening the door to the laundry room, because the intruder from earlier was likely folding clothes. I opened the door and lying on the ground was a box I had piled on other boxes next to the washing machine. Suddenly it made sense. The banging we heard was this box being shaken from its place on the pile and thrown to the floor, by the vibrations of the washing machine. I put the box back and was relieve to know I would likely not be raped and killed on this night. It is a nice feeling, I highly recommend it.

I emptied the wash into the dryer, making sure to remove all of Julie’s clothes that could shrink (which means ALL of Julie’s clothes). I have given up on drying them. I throw them in the opposite corner from my box collection. The get moldy & musty and then Julie has to rewash them. She has yet to figure out my ruse.

I throw the last pair of my hole-ridden socks into the dryer. At this point they look more like a half length leg warmer or as I call it “an ankle bra.” Its then I notice something else is in the washing machine. Something RED, that can cure AIDS and until very recently (the spin cycle I’d imagine) could play music.

My iPod nano.

“Will my nano’s name be on a quilt?” you ask. No. For 2 reasons: one, I never named it. If I had to now I’m thinking “Carlos the Dwarf” (anyone?). And two, it’s a piece of electronics, not a real person. Please! It did cure AIDS though, that part is true.

I’m sure I’ll get another iPod somewhere down the road and I’ll put all of my less than legally obtained music back on it. But for now, I’m bummed because I really was happy that $ went to AIDS research (even though I was the second owner of this iPod). I also just liked the color.

I had an incident this Autumn where the iPod’s earbuds got snagged while I was raking leaves. It somehow ended up getting thrown over the hill into my compost pile. I never would have found it if it hadn’t been a bright RED beacon just calling out to me. So I guess I am lucky to have gotten a few extra months to spend with it, before its AIDS conquering came to an end.

I’ll miss you Carlos the Dwarf.
2007-2011

Oh and I forgot to mention this earlier, thirteendollarsaire Steve Jobs owns 5.5 million shares of Apple, Inc. stock valued at $333 per share. That’s 1.8 billion in case you don’t feel like doing the math.

I’ll concede that 5% of 1.8 billion dollars probably wouldn’t cure AIDS, but it’s damn sure enough to replace my fucking iPod